Young Josh: I wish I were big.
Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. Gosh.
Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are ?
Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!
Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!
Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?
[Turns to leave]
Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE!
Susan: I'm not so sure we should do this.
Josh: Do what?
Susan: Well, I like you, and I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well, yeah.
Josh: OK... but I get to be on top.
Josh: It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost.
Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.
Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
Josh: Wow, thanks.
Interviewer: Where did you go to school?
Josh: It was called George Washington.
Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?
Josh: Yes. Every morning.
Billy: I'd use the chain if I were you.
Josh: [checking Billy's baseball cards] Got it, got it, need it, got it...
Susan: It happened again. David, the girl is absolutely useless. You've gotta get me someone who knows what she is doing. Excuse me. I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed. Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster.
Personnel Director: You know, she came so highly recommended.
Susan: She spent the last three months writing down her married name. "Mrs. Judy Hicks", "Mrs. Donald Hicks"; "Mrs. Judy Mitchellson Hicks", sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen. Sometimes, she spells the hyphen.
Susan: All he said was he didn't get it.
Paul: [Mimicking Josh] "I don't get it." "I don't get it". "Let's make it a bug".
MacMillan: You can't see this on a marketing report.
Josh: Um, what's a marketing report?
Motel Clerk: Hey Angel, get out of that bathroom now.
Young Josh, Billy: The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.
Josh: What's this?
Scotty Brennen: Pay day.
Josh: [Opens up the envelope and looks at his check] A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN DOLLARS?
Scotty Brennen: Yeah. They really screw you don't they?
Josh: [playing racketball] That was under the line.
Josh: That was under the line. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.
Paul: No, I didn't.
Josh: Yeah you did. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.
Paul: No I did not, now give me the goddamn ball!
Josh: Well that's cheating.
Paul: Give me the Goddamn ball, will you?
Paul: Give me the ball, you little shit.
Josh: It's my serve.
Paul: Give me the ball! GIVE ME THE GODDAMN BALL! I never said that!
Josh: Yes you did.
Paul: Give me the...
[Josh starts to run, Paul gives chase]
Paul: Give me the... Give me the ball. Give me the ball!
Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
MacMillan: Boss needs to be knocked on his ass every once in a while.
Susan: [talking work at the office party] I thought if we could get everyone together.
MacMillan: Susan, have a drink. Have a couple of drinks. It's a party.
Josh: [inputting toy orders] The Dinky Link... Jimmy's Toy Box...
Scotty Brennen: [in the next cubicle] Psst, hey, I'm Scott Brennan.
Josh: I'm Josh Baskin.
Scotty Brennen: Listen, what're you tryin' to do, get us all fired? You gotta pace yourself, slowly, slowly.
Josh: It's my first day.
Scotty Brennen: I know!
Billy: [noticing a dingy hotel that says "St. James"] This one looks all right.
Josh: No, it doesn't.
Billy: St. James, Josh! It's religious.
Bank Teller: [cashing Josh's first paycheck] Okay, so how would you like that?
Josh: [he and Billy discuss it privately, then return to the window] Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones.
Bank Teller: [pause] Okay...
[takes out stack of $1 bills]
Bank Teller: One, two, three, four...
Man with beard on street: FINE! Fine. Fine. Fine, fine! Kill the bitch. Kill the bitch. Kill her with a knife. Kill the bitch. Put it in. Bitch! Kill the bitch! Kill her!