Otho: [seeing an office and not seeing Barbara decapitating Adam] Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
Charles: Delia Deetz, welcome home.
Delia: [being kissed] Charles...
Charles: It's okay, there's no damage. See? It's okay. A good sturdy comfy craftsmanship. And look at that kitchen. You're finally gonna be able to cook a decent meal.
[Evaluating her new home]
Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?
Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
[Adam takes the book and closes it]
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
Barbara: [after the Deetzes moved in] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?
Adam: Well, we tried.
Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all. Get them out yourselves. It's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.
Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.
Juno: [knowingly] I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
Adam: We should start more simply then?
Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice. You should've been studying those lessons since day one.
Betelgeuse: Go ahead... make my millenium.
Betelgeuse: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
[why he can't tell Lydia his name]
Betelgeuse: Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.
[In the afterlife waiting room]
Receptionist: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
Charles: Pumpkin, sweetheart...
[kisses her and forces her out his study room]
Charles: Go help your mother.
Lydia: Maybe *you* can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Juno: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!
Adam: Handbook? When?
Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.
Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
[about the house]
Otho: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough.
Delia: I noticed that too; it's like a giant... ant farm.
Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.
Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!
Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?
Delia: [smiles] Okay.
[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]
Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.
Lydia: [Lydia is writing a suicide note] I am alone.
[throws paper away and starts over]
Lydia: I am *utterly* alone.
Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
Otho: Why not?
Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a dark room in the basement, okay?
Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.
Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia: Of course I can see you.
Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Betelgeuse: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Betelgeuse: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Lydia: Are you a ghost too?
Betelgeuse: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
Adam: Cabin fever, hon?
Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
Delia: [talking to a workman] If you tell me what you do I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
Betelgeuse: [as a snake] We've come for your daughter Chuck.
Betelgeuse: [after Lydia says his name three times] It's showtime.
[Head spins wildly and begins shrieking]
Betelgeuse: Don't you hate it when that happens?
Adam: You've read our book?
Adam: You can follow it?
Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Delia: [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost] This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real.
Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
[Bernard slams the door as he leaves]
Charles: Drive carefully!
Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.
Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in '72.
Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset, because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
[in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line]
Betelgeuse: Pardon me. Did you do that?
[points to explorer with shrunken head]
Betelgeuse: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
[as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
Betelgeuse: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
[the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking]
Betelgeuse: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! *Whoa!*... Hey, this might be a good look for me.
Dumb Football Player: Coach. Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno: I'm not your coach! *He* survived.
Dumb Football Player #2: Wait, coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! 'Men's room'! Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
Betelgeuse: Let's see, business section...
[he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper]
Betelgeuse: Ooh, la la! What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
Betelgeuse: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
Betelgeuse: Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs.
[he plants a kiss on Otho]
Very Dumb Football Player: [the football players have re-entered Juno's office] Coach?
Very Dumb Football Player: [looking disturbed] I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno: [sarcastically] How did you guess?
[reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]
Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
[Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
[a head sculpt of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
[Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpt up and smiles]
Delia: He likes it.
Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam: We're ghosts!
Lydia: What do you look like under there?
Adam: Aren't you scared?
Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam: Night of the what?
Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Charles: Nice building... bad roof... goooood parking.
Delia: This is my art, and it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this?
Preacher: Do you take this woman do be your wedded wife?
Betelgeuse: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it.
[Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
Betelgeuse: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
Betelgeuse: [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember...
[sings and hops back and forth]
Betelgeuse: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!
Betelgeuse: [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!
Betelgeuse: [finds a brothel in the model] Hey, Adam, nice move!
Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?
Adam: I didn't!
Adam: [In a decomposed state and trying to say Beetlejuice's name three times] BEH...
[his mouth falls out]
Betelgeuse: [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fucking model!
Betelgeuse: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
[hands Barbara a rat]
Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
Betelgeuse: There. There ya go.
Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
Betelgeuse: Ah, Possession! Good.
Barbara: [Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
Otho: Oh, you family types, you got other things to worry about. Maxie Dean's coming up here tonight. You got to figure out a way to sell these ghosts. I can only do so much.
Charles: What are you gonna do, Otho, viciously rearrange their enviroment?
Otho: I know just as much about the supernatural as I do about interior design.
Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.
Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.
Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!
[Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them]
Barbara: [crying, hugs Adam] Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!
[Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]
Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this?
Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.
[he closes the shade of the room]
Janitor: Keep moving.
Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
Adam: Fine, you look fine.
Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.
[he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]
Betelgeuse: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little *action*.
[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]
Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?
Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?
Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?
Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.
[Snaps book shut]
Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
[in the waiting room of the afterlife]
Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
[points at a gaunt man smoking]
Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
[shows her slit wrists]
Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
[the dead people laugh]
Betelgeuse: [to Charles and Delia] Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad.
[Hands Charles a load of snakes]
Otho: I have a feeling there's something very interesting behind that door.
Delia: [sarcastically] Yeah. Ghosts. The people who died in this house and they want us OUT of here. Well, let's do them a favor...
Delia: Oh look, an indoor outhouse
Barbara: [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away.
Barbara: [to Adam] Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.
Barbara: What about the guy in the flyer, you know Betel...
Juno: Shh... Don't even say his name. You don't want his help.
Barbara: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse: You want to somebody out of your house. I want to get somebody out of your house.
Adam: Can you be scary?
Betelgeuse: Oh, I know what you're asking me. Can I be scary. What do you think of this? You like it?
Betelgeuse: Oh yeah. Here I am come, baby.
Betelgeuse: Attention K-Mart shoppers.
Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.
Adam: She's got photos, Barbara.
Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!
Betelgeuse: *That* is why I won't do two shows a night anymore, I won't.
Lydia: They wanted me to dissect a frog, I told them it was against my religion.
Lydia: [while eating Cantonese food] I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
Betelgeuse: [Trying to get Lydia to say his name three times] No, you don't need
[Exaggerating the syllables]
Betelgeuse: ta-talk-ta-Barbara, just SAY IT!
Preacher: Do you Lydia...
Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...
Betelgeuse: [Covers Lydia's mouth] Excuse me, she's a little nervous, allow me
[speaks in Lydia's voice]
Betelgeuse: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind; my answer is yes, I love that man of mine.
Betelgeuse: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How're ya doin?
Lydia: [Gasps] Ah B-Beetle!
Betelgeuse: Yes! Now for part two...
Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Beetle... Breakfast... Orange... Liquid... Beetle Juice?
Betelgeuse: Yes! You said it!
Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
Betelgeuse: You said it two times, come on. Say it one more time!
Lydia: Wait a minute... it was you, you were the snake.
Betelgeuse: What are you talking about a snake?