Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1988–1998)
Clive Anderson: This is me, Clive Anderson, saying "Good night," good night!
Ryan Stiles: [to Mike McShane] If you got a duck blowing on one of your bladders, you're in deep trouble, my friend, deep troubles.
Colin Mochrie: [Vasectomy Hoedown] I fight fires in Germany/they really are the worst/I will now sing German/in my next verse
Colin Mochrie: [In German] Ich Leiber duch, dict, der mansion der exploden. Okatlot, Okadat, oh der trampolinen
Clive Anderson: Take it away, Greg!
Greg Proops: You got it, Clive!
Clive Anderson: You sing it, Greg!
Greg Proops: Alright, fresh funkmiester!
Greg Proops: Sing before my funk gets stale!
Greg Proops: [Motorway Hoedown] Once I was in England/I met a man/He was shining bald, his name was/Clive Ander-san/I got a little nervous/shouted "Where is the freeway", he said/"No you silly twat it's called a mo-tor-way!
Clive Anderson: Olympic sports we'd like to see...
Tony Slattery: And now the-
[Steve Steen starts humping him]
Tony Slattery: Oh, God!
Mike McShane: Yes sir, the Humping the Tony event!
Clive Anderson: I think Humping the Tony is actually in the Olympics
Mike McShane: You ought to see the synchronized humping the Tony!
Colin Mochrie: "Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie!"
Clive Anderson: Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the improvisation show which, if you haven't seen it before, is the very best programme on the television. Or, if you have seen it before, you know it's one where I start off with a very big lie.
Rory Bremner: Welcome to 'World Leaders', my name is David Frost. I bring you world leaders, no matter what the cost.
Rory Bremner: I'm a sort of world leader, I'm a pleasant kind of a feller.
Rory Bremner: But I'm an even nicer bloke, my name's Nelson Mandella.
Niall Ashdown: Last Halloween there were terrible blizzards, This was caused by a nasty old wizard. He looked out his window, and cast a fearful spell. And when I woke up in the morning I did smell.
Mark Cohen: Now I watch the trains, Lord, rolling down the track, I'm gonna get myself on that train, and I ain't going back. I'm gonna go from the top to the bottom, go down to the funnel, And then I'll be, can't see nothing, 'cause I'm in the train tunnel.
Chip Esten: I have a little boy, you know his name is Tom. I was his daddy, but now I am his mom. I was a tough one, as tough as old Charles Bronson, Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson.
Ryan Stiles: [balancing a sphere on his shoulder] Do you have a table for Atlas?
Karen Maruyama: Well having a baby should be given to men, 'Cause when I have mine I killed my O.B. - G.Y.N. Hey, having a baby, it makes me want to beg, 'Cause nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your legs. Ow!
Jim Meskimen: If other hobbies leave you in the lurch, You can always break out your chisel, and carve yourself a perch. That's right, you can carve a marble or a granite, Just go ahead and have at it.
Chris Smith: You may spend a couple of hours cleaning off the sediment, From that age old fallen pediment. But once you have done it you will notice with ease, That it's one of them Grecian frieze.
Ryan Stiles: Well you know, carving is lots of fun. It's cheaper to buy rocks by the ton. I like it when I'm carving when I'm alone, But I find it's a lot easier when I'm stoned.
Josie Lawrence: Everybody chisel your marble, chisel with ease. Chisel your marble please. Chisel your marble, chisel it right down, When you're sculpting you won't wear, you won't wear a frown. Chisel your marble, thats all I can say. Hit the stone and hit it every day. You can make most everything you want, Chisel your marble, chisel it right down.
Greg Proops: When's it gonna end, huh? The aggression.
Clive Anderson: When you give us our colonies back.
Greg Proops: His colonies. Clive's colonies.
[as a trendy vicar]
Stephen Fry: Dick. Call me Dick. Well, I would invent a sort of outreach, a sort of sharing...
Brad: We must kill that monster!
Ryan Stiles: His name's Gary!
Mike McShane: Gary!
Colin Mochrie: Gary, Gary!
Clive Anderson: Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? The improvisation show that has been compared to Titanic. Not the film, the sinking ship.
[Party Quirks - Tony Slattery, as host, answers the "door" to Ryan Stiles]
Ryan Stiles: [running in with his hands flapping behind his back like a sperm's tail] Where's the women? Where's the women? There's no women here!
[World's Worst - Defence Lawyer]
Colin Mochrie: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, it's not as if the sheep was under age.
Clive Anderson: Try it in the style of horror.
Tony Slattery: [to Merton] What a horrible suit!
Paul Merton: Oh, that's rich, coming from someone who's dressed like Doc Holliday!
[hoe-down about sex]
Greg Proops: Oh, I'm a randy bugger; I really get around/I like to have a shag with everyone in town/I have lots of fun, I'm happy as can be/And that's cause my name is Tony Slattery!
Paul Merton: This is no ordinary fruitcake. This is the Fruitcake of Doom!
Colin Mochrie: Salami is the breadth of life.
Ryan Stiles: Salami is my world I live in.
Colin Mochrie: I am your bread.
Ryan Stiles: Yay for salami! Yay for salami!
[as old men in a nursing home]
Colin Mochrie: I've got a big date tonight.
Ryan Stiles: Oh really, ya going out for puddin'?
Josie Lawrence: [planning a prison break] Have you got the guns made out of soap?
Paul Merton: Oh God, I wish I'd known. I've been making soap out of guns!
[indignantly, after John Sessions mimes urinating on the wall]
Tony Slattery: That was a genuine Chagall! And it's marginally better now!
Colin Mochrie: [during a "Star Wars" Whose Line, as Luke Skywalker] I read the Jedi handbook you gave me. I was a little confused by page one, where it says,
[reads paper with line]
Colin Mochrie: , "My shorts are on fire".
Ryan Stiles: [as Obi-Wan Kenobi] Yes, it helps you to use The Force.
Clive Anderson: [Clive Anderson is picking a Superhero role for Colin Mochrie in the game "Superheroes". So far someone has suggested "Constipation Man"] I think we can be a bit more elevated than that.
Person in the Audience: No-Hair Man!
Clive Anderson: No-Hair Man...
[Colin Mochrie angrily walks towards the person in the audience]
Greg Proops: [Let's Make A Date. Greg Proops is the contestant, and Steve Frost is a bachelor acting as a German U-Boat captain] Contestant number one...
Steve Frost: [pulls off one of his shoes] Das Boot!
Colin Mochrie: [Number of Words. Colin can only speak in four words, Steve can only speak in three] Here's your omelette, sir.
Steve Frost: I don't want!
[laughter from audience]
Niall Ashdown: [Number of Words. Ryan can only speak in one word, Steve Frost can only speak in five, Niall can only speak in three] Are you new?
Steve Frost: No, I'm just... a little...
[tilts his head]
Ryan Stiles: Inebriated?
Steve Frost: Yes! You've seen through it!
Greg Proops: [doing the voice on the tape for 'Mission: Improbable' where the mission is to 'get dressed'] All three of you get dressed individually. Otherwise, if you don't get dressed, you'll go outside and you won't have any clothes on. The government cannot be held responsible for the ramifications of this. If the secretary sees you without clothes he'll become aroused... and deny that he knows you. This tape will self-destruct in three or four days so use Royal Mail and make sure it goes nowhere.
Steve Frost: [Bungee Jumping Hoedown] I was at the Eiffel Tower/Just the other day/ I jumped off/my braces they would sway/ I went down and I went up/ and down and up again/ I had so much altitude/ I ended up in Big Ben!
Greg Proops: [Dating Service Videos- Wearing a Greek Ruler hat] I am Vishnu, the destroyer
Greg Proops: Come with me or perish.
Greg Proops: Date me or face the bald man!
[Clive is really mad; Greg finally walks off]
Clive Anderson: A Jimmy Stewart convention.
[everyone goes up an starts doing an impression of Jimmy Stewart]
Clive Anderson: A convention of Cheese Makers. Wait, is it cheese markers or something...
Chris Smith: [Jim, Chris and Ryan go up] Well gentlemen, how's business.
Jim Meskimen: Full of holes, as usual.
Ryan Stiles: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-Oh, I'm sorry, I'm at the wrong convention!
Tony Slattery: [World's Worst things to see while flipping through channels] It's Anne Diamond!
Ryan Stiles: [in a trance] No, I won't turn the channel Satan
Greg Proops: [as an Alien] Citizens of Earth, remain in your homes
Greg Proops: send me-
Ryan Stiles: They're nipples, identical nipples!
Mike McShane: It's the OJ Simpson trial, year 2550!
Greg Proops: [goes up as Clive, immediate buzz] OHHHH!
Mike McShane: Hi, welcome to the serial killer home shopping network, and look at these knives!
Tony Slattery: Oh, it's that show where Clive patronizes everyone!
Clive Anderson: Don't bring Clive James into this!
Tony Slattery: No, I meant Clive Anderson!
Mike McShane: It's the OJ Simpson trial- Hey, he's being defended by Clive Anderson! Ha!
Clive Anderson: [scenes from a Hat] Elephants preparing to go on holiday.
[Paul Merton walks on]
Clive Anderson: Packing their trunks, I suppose!
[Paul walks back off]
Greg Proops: [after a scene in a bathtub] I think we've learned something from this, Delbert!
Ryan Stiles: We sure have! Number One- never take a bath with another man!
Clive Anderson: [Superheroes] Junkman. So, Greg is Junkman. What's a crisis that junkman can solve?
[Someone calls out "English Television" and everyone boos]
Greg Proops: [laughs hysterically]
Clive Anderson: So, Junkman has got to solve English Television's problem. Although it's obvious that Junkman would just turn it into American Television!
[the audience boos]
Clive Anderson: Oh, that'll get the crowd on my side...
Greg Proops: Bad call, homeslice!
Clive Anderson: [Superheroes, someone has just called out Useless Man] Oh, Caterpillar man! That gives you more to play with, because Useless Man... is kinda what he is. Now what sort of crisis will he have to deal with?
Person in the Audience: Pants are too small!
Clive Anderson: Funny thing... have we ever done that?
Greg Proops: If we have, I'm sure it was frought with hilarity!
Clive Anderson: So, with that challenge, let's go ahead. So pants are getting too small...
Greg Proops: Which one am I?
Clive Anderson: You're Captain Caterpilar.
Greg Proops: Captain Caterpilar.
Clive Anderson: And you can bring the elements of Captain Useless as well.
Greg Proops: Look, I'll be Captain Caterpilar and you can just sit there and be Useless Man like you usually are.
Clive Anderson: Oh, you're winning tonight, as I can see. So, you might metamorphose into something...
Greg Proops: Is it about time to make some sort of inappropriate American reference?
Clive Anderson: Not yet, you do the show.
Greg Proops: Thanks.
Clive Anderson: The yakker.
Greg Proops: I can take a few hits, if you want to...
Clive Anderson: Get on with it Greg!