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Tom Servo: I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.
Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.
Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichÈ. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?
Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.
Tom Servo: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!
[repeated line]
Joel: What do you think, sirs?
[repeated line]
[a character looks directly at the camera]
Crow T. Robot: What do you, the viewers at home, think?
Mike Nelson: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo.
Mike Nelson: The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.
Joel: Uh, genocide has a "C" in it.
Paul Anka: [singing] I'm just a lonely boy...
Mike Nelson: Why does that not surprise me?
[repeated line]
Mike Nelson: We've got movie signs!
[repeated line]
Mike Nelson: Cambot, give me rocket number nine.
Judy: [as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, evidently.
Mike Nelson: [about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair
Tom Servo: Hey, they're doctors, but they do puppet shows, too!
Joel: What do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
Mike Nelson: This sounds like video poker music!
[hearing a door closing]
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
Joel: Uh, genecide has a 'C' in it.
Joel: Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir.
Crow T. Robot: Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money...
[shouts]
Crow T. Robot: Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, it does my heart good to see Cro burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange.
[Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, accept the pain, Frank!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough.
[Frank does so]
Dr. Forrester: [points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it.
[points to another one]
Dr. Forrester: This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil.
TV's Frank: [shouts] Terry, no!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets.
[with evil glee]
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and the children?
TV's Frank: [shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw!
Dr. Forrester: The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank...
[Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintsone vitamin]
Dr. Forrester: ... life-size, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel!
Dr. Forrester: [after Joel gives a horrible invention exchange. TV's Frank is crying in the background] I think you die, Joel! Heh-heh-heh... Well, your experiment this week is going to be hard to keep down. It's called The Unearthly and it stars John Carradine and Tor Johnson, plus two stinky shorts.
[shouts]
Dr. Forrester: Frank, shut up!
[Frank cries louder in defiance]
Dr. Forrester: Enjoy!
Crow T. Robot: Hmmmm. Qualified. Qualified? Hmmmm. Wow, what a question! Me, Crow T. Robot, what do I think? Am I qualified? Wow! That's a heavy burden. How can I make a difference? CAN I make a difference? Oh surely, I'm but a single bot, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing. Maybe I can change the world.
[more positive]
Crow T. Robot: Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down. Hmmmm. Hey Cambot! Move it in a little and, uh, cue that uh moody music. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this? No, no, nope nope, no, uh. I've got to learn to think for myself. To stand on my own two foot-like apendages. Seize the day. Yes. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by god, I can do it! Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign, yeah, that would help. And, uh, I could organize a bake sale. Or, uh, hey! We could ALL help! Come on friends, run to your window and shout, "I'm really cheesed and I'm not gonna hang around 'till this thing gets better!" Uh, why organize a, uh, improv group and do gorilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here's an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don't snap judge me. And then, watch that - uh, uh, I know! Put a drop of vanilla behind each ear and youÌll smell like a cookie all day!
[Getting more excited]
Crow T. Robot: Or, eat an apple: nature's toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It's easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!
[Agitated]
Crow T. Robot: I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision! I'm no good at this sort of thing!
[Quietly]
Crow T. Robot: It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign.
[as Dr. Smith]
Crow T. Robot: Oh, the pain. The pain.
[a character finds an old drunk in a barn]
Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?
Sister Ann: Let's do this thing.
Tom Servo: What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW!
Tom Servo: YEAH! WHY AM I CHEERING, I DON'T KNOW, BUT YEAH!
Mike Nelson: I'm gonna Willem Dafoe all over you!
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, no.
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Tom Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow T. Robot: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Tom Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner.
[both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]
Tom Servo: Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Tom Servo: Yikes!
Mothra: Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Crow T. Robot: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?
Tom Servo: I'll bite... I don't know.
Mothra: The Titanic had entertainment.
Tom Servo: I don't think I'll be able to get to *slee* tonight!
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank}: What do you *want* from us? We're *evil*. Evil!
[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show.
[notices Crow]
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.
[Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer]
Crow: Hey, Mike. Want a try?
[Mike samples the snack]
Mike Nelson: Mmmm, that's pretty good.
Crow: Try it with my special dipping sauce.
[Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]
Mike Nelson: Not bad.
[Tom comes in with his dome missing]
Tom Servo: Hey, that looks good! What is it?
Crow: Your head.
Tom Servo: [during a short on General Motors] This is a rebuttal to "Roger and Me".
[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank.
[steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!
Tom Servo: Yes I do. Remember, little boy: if I can leave you with one birthday message, it is... Greet each day with a mighty roar. And always know what time it is. And wear Old Spice. Walk briskly to and from your job, and remember: neatness counts. Fill your head with candy. You are how you look. Me? I'm a gumball machine! I embrace that and my colleagues respect me for it. Heed this advice and maybe, just maybe, you'll grow up to be like me, Tom Servo.
Mike Nelson: Please be careful, this will be boring.
Tom Servo: I could prove these guys don't exist!
Tom Servo: Hey! I've got it! We could just shot 'em!
Crow T. Robot: It just so happens I've written a topical, satirical review that we call...
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: Supercalafragalistic-expialawacky!
Crow T. Robot: Ha ha ha he he hoo!
Tom Servo: Go, go, go! I got it, I got it, I got it! Okay, get out of the way!
Mike Nelson: [Mike enters dressed as Uncle Sam] I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm filled with bloats and perks. I'm the government, I'm the government, I'm the reason nothing works.
Tom Servo: [with money in head and reading script] Boy I tell you, it's not easy bein' the working man, but at least I've earned an honest day's wage and I can...
Mike Nelson: Thank you!
[steals money]
Tom Servo: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: I'm the crime bill: bang-bang! I'm the crime bill: bang-bang! I get shot at every day. I'm the crime bill: bang-bang! I'm the crime bill: bang-bang! I'm opposed by the NRA. Bang, Bang! ack, ahh
Mike Nelson: [now wearing baseball cap] Hello Mr. Senator. My daddy's out of work, and he says it's because of the deficit. So I saved some money in my piggy bank, and I'm going to give it to you to lower the deficit. If an 8 year old kid can save money, how come the government can't?
Tom Servo: Honk, honk.
Crow T. Robot: Beep, beep.
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: Government gridlock!
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: Honk, honk!
Crow T. Robot: Beep, beep...
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: Government gridlock!
Tom Servo: There's a traffic jam at the Congress intersection,
Crow T. Robot: But the light is red unless there's an election!
Mike Nelson: Government sure can get tacky,
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot: It's Supercalafragalistic-expialawacky!
Dr. Forrester: [the Mads giggle, but Bridget and Mary Jo leave in disgust] Oh, ho ho ho! Ho, ho, was that a funny one. That was a stitch!
TV's Frank: Is nothing sacred you guys?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, well Mike, your movie this week is called The Sword and the Dragon. We won't be watching it 'cause, uh, we're on a date.
TV's Frank: Yeah, we're on a
[notices the girls are gone]
Dr. Forrester: [sighs] Pass me "The Punisher"...
Tom Servo: You can look me in the bubble and say that?
Tom Servo: Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!
Mike Nelson: Come on, all my grandkids?
Crow: Yep.
Mike Nelson: What about great grandchildren?
Crow: Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.
Tom Servo: You can see why he's upset folks.
Crow: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Mike Nelson: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Crow: Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...
Mike Nelson: OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.
Crow: Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!
Tom Servo: I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.
Gypsy: Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Yes?
Gypsy: I don't get you!
Crow T. Robot: Oh.
Gypsy: Are you mad?
Crow T. Robot: [gruffly] NO!
[normal]
Crow T. Robot: No.
Gypsy: Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
Crow T. Robot: Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.
Gypsy: Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.
Crow T. Robot: Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?
Gypsy: Uhh... No.
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?
Gypsy: Uhh... I guess that's a start...
Crow T. Robot: Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?
Gypsy: Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?
Gypsy: Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?
Gypsy: Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy... Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!
Crow T. Robot: [losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!
Joel: If you don't understand it, shoot it.
Dr. Forrester: I'm a scientist, I don't think, I observe.
Dr. Forrester: Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? HMM? Well, that's right - the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH!
[He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed]
Dr. Forrester: The ReComfy Bike!
[Frank enters wearing pyjamas and a bike helmet]
TV's Frank: Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?
Dr. Forrester: Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...
TV's Frank: Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.
Dr. Forrester: Well, try harder you LOAD!
TV's Frank: Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.
Dr. Forrester: [in whiny voice] Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank?
[forcefully tucks Frank in]
Dr. Forrester: Back up to you, Margot.
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.
Joel: MOVIE SIGN!
Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is excercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen the amazing collosal man: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen the amazing collosal man: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen the amazing collosal man: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen the amazing collosal man: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!
Crow T. Robot: This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.
Dr. Forrester: It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
[they chuckle]
Dr. Forrester: When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry? Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! And why is that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case,
[Lawrence is about to speak]
Dr. Forrester: Larry!
Crow: [Crow's defense testimony] This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % f - -ing not guilty. And if you bastards don't goddamn find him innocent, then you can just f - -ing kiss my fat f - -ing ass. And that f - -ing goes for your bulls - - court system, too! Mike, I'm so motherf - -ing sorry I couldn't f - -ing be there for this f - -ing s - -ty really bogus trial, man. But let me goddamn tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd f - -ing kick everyone's fat stupid motherf - -ing behinds and then cram it up their f - -ing ass. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this s - - helps. Take care, Mike.
Bobo: [pause] I'm sitting next to a free man!
Mike Nelson: Hey, no problem. Our invention is... YOU!
Crow T. Robot: [the bots appear dressed as the mads] I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester.
Tom Servo: And I'm Tv's Frank.
Mike Nelson: See?
Dr. Forrester: Cute, but I don't quite understand the...
Crow T. Robot: I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, the one with the weak chin. I'm going to hit TV's Frank because of my deep resentment at my own limitations.
Tom Servo: I'm TV's Frank and I'm going to take it 'cuz I have NO self-confidence! Ow! Ow! OW!
Mike Nelson: Huh? Huh?
TV's Frank: Well, you do have kind of a weak chin...
Dr. Forrester: Forget the chin, Frank! Don't you see what's happening? We're losing their respect! It's all on the line here, man. We've got to do something, and fast!
Mike Nelson: Hey, we're just funnin' ya!
Crow T. Robot: Shall I hit you again, TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: Oh, please do! Ow! OW! Not so HAWD!
TV's Frank: All right, Frank, let 'em have it.
[Frank has a bubble on his head and Forrester has a beak strapped on]
TV's Frank: I'm Tom Servo, and I'm a cute little guy with a round head. Hahahahaha! And I've got these little adorable arms! Haha!
Dr. Forrester: And I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm gold and I'm trapped in space! What a stupid color gold is! Oh hohoho!
[taking off the costume, Frank tries to take his off but is stuck]
Dr. Forrester: Well, I trust you can see that two can play at that game, Nilsson.
[Frank is jumping up and down, trying to pull off the fogged up dome]
Dr. Forrester: Anyway, your movie this week is called "The Atomic Brain". Plus, there's a short about the golden age of juvenile delinquency.
[Turns to see Frank flailing about]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank, that's very good! You've almost got Tom down. Keep flapping those arms.
[Frank passes out]
Dr. Forrester: You keep practicing, I'll get the button.
Crow T. Robot: I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and I've got my head stuck WAAAY...
[sirens go off]
Tom Servo: Ohhh! Movie SIGN! I'll harm you!
[repeated line]
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank!
Crow: Old guy, there's another old guy to see you.
Dr. Forrester: In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.
TV's Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?
Dr. Forrester: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
TV's Frank: Clear.
[they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]
Dr. Forrester: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
TV's Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.
Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.
[after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster]
Tom Servo: What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?
Dr. Forrester: Wait! I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is! Oh, this sucks!
Dr. Forrester: [music starts] Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I... Who will I kill?
Dr. Forrester: [singing] I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him Now I'm a bully with no victim No adrenaline thrill no screams that are shrill Who? Who will I kill? I've crushed his head a few times Memories like nursery rhymes No one died like my TV's Frank No sweet blood to distill No cute tummy to drill Who? Who will I kill? When I look upon the first evening star I remember when I hooked his liver to the engine of my car I could pickle my Aunt Lil Give my dog a cyanide pill But what Frank-shaped void could they possibly fill? Here's my money. You can bank it. I'm no good without my Frank; it Seems he could die Without batting an eye Now it seems I must take my own bitter pill Tell me who? Who will I kill?
Tom Servo: He's going to fly into the commercial!
Flora: No, Edward! Don't do it!
All: DO IT, EDWARD, DO IT!
Crow: This looks like it was filmed in Mordor.
Crow T. Robot: Ah, this is one of those "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" movies.
Crow T. Robot: This is a job for... regular guy.
Boss: I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me...
Crow T. Robot: Was Harry.
Tom Servo: You... little pan woman!
Crow T. Robot: Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.
Tom Servo: I'm Popeye the sailor man; I've got a guy's head in my hand
Michael: See? You're feeling better already.
Joel: Rolling in the filthill do that for you
Mike Nelson: It's fun when it's fun.
Mr. Parkins: See you when I can.
Crow T. Robot: Is that vague enough for you?
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
[Chuckle]
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel: Really?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!
Scientist in movie: Can I show you something?
Tom Servo: It's under my uniform...
Tom Servo: This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...
Crow T. Robot: Hey, knock it off!
Tom Servo: [as different images of Gypsy are shown] Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...
Crow T. Robot: Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!
Tom Servo: Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.
Crow T. Robot: [as Gypsy enters] I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.
[both see Gypsy]
Crow T. Robot: I gotta go clean my room now.
Tom Servo: I gotta go clean his room too.
operator: Welcome and thank you for calling our award winning 24 hour technical support service for... ”Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... Please be prepared with a specific problem regarding... ”Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... in order to facilitate assistance from one of our skilled... ”Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... technicians.
Mike Nelson: Oh yeah. I'm prepared for some specific problems about 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' alright, dont worry about that.
tech support: 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' technical support. This is Mandy. How can I help you?
Mike Nelson: Well, uh, first of all... lets see...
tech support: Sir, let me take care of some common troubleshooting possibilities right away. Are you in fact watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'?
Mike Nelson: Yes.
tech support: We do find that people new to our 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' family viewers can make a simple mistake in actually be watching another movie. If that is the case, then we would urge you to call the appropiate technical support service for we are legally unable to provide support for other...
Mike Nelson: Look Look, were watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.' The credits are rolling right now.
tech support: So it's not complete yet?
Mike Nelson: Well, No but I mean...
tech support: We strongly advise our customers to view the entire film. It's impossible for us to gauge the accuracy of any confusion or complaint...
Mike Nelson: Look, how are the credits gonna help the fact that we have no idea what was going on with... anything... what was the "I'm interface" thing. What was the skinny woman doing when she was licking her watch?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Hey, why the pinch mouth cockney creep and
[in voice]
Mike Nelson: "The guy just reverses the access code"... that was well crafted...
tech support: SIR!
Mike Nelson: and the music was the most insipid...
Tom Servo: ...banal...
Mike Nelson: Banal noodling I've ever heard in my life.
tech support: Sir, those are unfortunate design flaws which we do acknowledge.
Mike Nelson: Well, what can I do about it?
tech support: When did you Purchase your version of Overdrawn at the Memory Bank?
Mike Nelson: ...Uhh I didn't purchase it... I just ahh...
tech support: Ummph, so you are an unauthorized viewer of 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'? I am legally required to report this violation of all...
Crow, Tom Servo: HANG UP!
Yuri: Are you calling me a psychopath?
Crow: I'll kill your whole family if you call me that!
Mike Nelson: Please do not surcumb to the urge to eat each other.
General: Did you know flying a plane is like making love?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you have to pay?
Crow: Rock 'em sock 'em archeologists.
Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.
Dr. Forrester: Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.
Gary: Uh, the plot?
Dr. Forrester: The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?
Doug: I liked the plot, it was just too short.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.
Cindy: Mike.
Dr. Forrester: Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...
Tony: A mild reaction.
Dr. Forrester: A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?
Tony: Yes.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...
Cindy: I don't like soup.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...
Pearl Forrester: Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.
Dr. Forrester: would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?
Doug: Saltine?
Dr. Forrester: Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.
Mike Nelson: And the plot thinnens.
[Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo]
Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Mike Nelson: Because I... hey.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Is it working for you?
Dr. Forrester: Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?
Dr. Forrester: Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.
[characters pile into a car]
Mike Nelson: We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Joel, the stories I could tell you of... frenzied bachelor parties, and exotic dancers jumping out of cakes... sounds exciting? Sure... but around midnight, there you are, frustrated and disappointed with a fake cake you can't eat and a dancer named Candy who has to leave to drive her baby-sitter home! What've you got?
TV's Frank: Nothin'
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've combined dessert, *and* objectifying the human body. In one easy cake mix: Cake n' Shake! A real exotic dancer included!
TV's Frank: That's right, Clay! Now gluttony and exploitation serves eight! And just think: Now even mom, dad, and the kids can enjoy a Chippendale dancer at little Jimmy's seventh birthday! Oh, Clay! Can I tempt you with some dessert?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank, this looks wonderful! You've outdone yourself! Just a sliver...
TV's Frank: Oh, it was nothing! I merely followed the easy to read instructions right on the box! And hey, here's a tip: Just fold the exotic dancer right into the cake, that way you save a step! You don't have to wait for the cake to finish baking!
Dr. Forrester: I'll remember that for my cake for the next bake sa-... You what? You baked a person in it? An hour at 350?
Joel: DO SOMETHING!
Tom Servo: I've decided. I'm gonna do something really stupid
Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... ”
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Tom Servo: NOT THE RECIPE!
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.
TV's Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester: Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester: Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel: Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester: Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
Kathy: My father's dead.
Tom Servo: That's too bad. Now PICK UP!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy
Crow T. Robot: I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.
Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot: It was this long.
[after a character has strangled another character]
Tom Servo: There, now can we get some sleep?
[the movie suddenly goes black]
Crow: Are we dead, Mike?
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...
TV's Frank: Died.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.
TV's Frank: Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.
Dr. Forrester: But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...
TV's Frank: Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.
Dr. Forrester: You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen.
Tom Servo: Why do we have to pray for the mads?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. Forrester: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!
Pearl Forrester: Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?
Dr. Forrester: Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
TV's Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
TV's Frank: Oh, bite me Frodo!
Dr. Forrester: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
TV's Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. Forrester: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
TV's Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.
Mike Nelson: All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.
Tom Servo: You know, beer and porn DO make the shift go faster.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.
Crow T. Robot: On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.
Observer: I'm not THAT omnipotent.
Scientist in movie: You are a cynical, suspicious man.
Crow T. Robot: No I'm not! Who told you that?
[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!
Joel: Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel!
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together, either.
Joel: Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo: Why?
Joel: 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo: Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel: No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo: Will it hurt?
Joel: Of course not.
Tom Servo: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel: think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
Crow T. Robot: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button Frank.
TV's Frank: I *am* the button.
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Tom Servo: To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!
Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike Nelson: I knew I had some rub left.
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...
[Mike begins nodding head along with the list]
Hamlet: ... The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin!
[giggles]
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike Nelson: Fardels.
Dr. Forrester: Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester: I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'll change!
Dr. Forrester: Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I've changed.
Dr. Forrester: Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester: Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel: Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester: How long have you been listening?
Joel: Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thurs- My casserole!
Crow: Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?
Gypsy: Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?
Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.
Tom Servo: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
Tom Servo: Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.
Crow: It's hard to be menacing when you're dressed like Maude.
Crow: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke.
Joel: Iowa State College... the high school after high school.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?
Crow: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.
Mike Nelson: Man, infants are such babies.
Mike Nelson: In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.
Crow: Thrill as they listen really hard.
Tom Servo: Marvel as they listen even harder.
Crow: Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?
Mike Nelson: Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.
Tom Servo: I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me.
Crow: The only response to this film is pure, unbridled hate.
Mike Nelson: You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.
Tom Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least successful werewolf.
[Tom's dressed as a candy-striper]
Tom Servo: Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.
Crow: Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.
Tom Servo: You know, just because you CAN edit doesn't mean you SHOULD.
Tom Servo: Please, God, say "The End".
Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel: What do you mean, Servo?
Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel: Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!
Tom Servo: Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!
Crow T. Robot: You're a man playing a woman playing a man.
Crow: The ONLY end, my friend.
Mike Nelson: Ya, and the children are all insane, right?
Crow: They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...
Tom Servo: Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.
Crow: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."
Tom Servo: [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.
[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...
[gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Joel: Tom...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Joel: HEY.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.
Tom Servo: Is he a turnip that grew a face?
Crow: Five hours of staring at a window finally pays off.
Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel: Huh?
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.
Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.
[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene:]
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Crow: One.
Launch Controller: Six...
Crow: One!
Launch Controller: Five...
Crow: ONE!
Mike Nelson: I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.
Tom Servo: He always offers me beef.
[Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera]
Tom Servo: Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.
Crow T. Robot: What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?
Pearl Forrester: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl Forrester: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. Forrester: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl Forrester: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. Forrester: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow T. Robot: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Pearl Forrester: Huh.
Dr. Forrester: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow T. Robot: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Mike Nelson: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Mike Nelson: Alright, yeah.
Pearl Forrester: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow T. Robot: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl Forrester: Well, again guys, this is the big time.
Mike Nelson: Okay, hold it. Everyone go up a shirt size.
Tom Servo: Well whaddaya know, a random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass.
Tom Servo: Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?
Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo: Huh.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot: No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!
Crow: Well, I suppose I could just eat the boat and spit them out.
Henchman: We will not fail you again, Tundra.
Crow T. Robot: That's Permefrost to you!
Crow T. Robot: Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.
Crow: So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?
Crow: White Beer, there's a trailer park of taste in every bottle.
[repeated line]
Mike/Joel and Robots: We've got movie sign.
Crow: I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.
[the lights and sirens go off]
Tom Servo: And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!
Dr. Forrester: These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here
TV's Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. Forrester: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
TV's Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. Forrester: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
TV's Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. Forrester: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. Forrester: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
TV's Frank: Meatloaf?
Crow: It wasn't amnesia I had... it was Ambrosia.
[sings]
Crow: Make a wish, baby...
TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.
[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.
Mike Nelson: You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.
Crow T. Robot: You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.
[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.
Crow: He died gargling.
Tom Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare.
Joel: Visit beautiful Ground Zero.
[the hero kisses the heroine]
Crow: Oh, just drape a piece of liver over her face; it'd have the same effect.
Mike Nelson: You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: But Captain Mike...
Mike Nelson: Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?
Mike Nelson: It's right there on your belt.
Crow T. Robot: No. No, that's not it.
Mike Nelson: It is, too.
Crow T. Robot: Nope...
[a chase scene ensues on lethargic go-karts]
Crow: Put your helmet on; we'll be reaching speeds of 3.
Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.
Gypsy: Tom, I don't get you.
Tom Servo: Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.
Tom Servo: Okay, I'm nude and I'm still trapped in the castle.
Tom Servo: Believe in magic, or I'll kill you.
[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]
Joel: Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.
Teenage boy: Mr. Miller, is something wrong?
Crow: Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.
[a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"]
Crow: Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.
Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.
Crow T. Robot: I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"
Crow: This film DARES you to watch it.
Joel: Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Gypsy: Call in with your answer!
Joel: Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV?
Gypsy: Let us know what you think!
Joel: Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner?
Gypsy: Give us a call! Tell us your answer.
TV's Frank: Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!
Dr. Forrester: That's right.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank... with shark attacks...
TV's Frank: I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die
Dr. Forrester: ...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank.
TV's Frank: And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!
Dr. Forrester: I have you now!
TV's Frank: Die! Die! Die!
Dr. Forrester: I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.
TV's Frank: You are going to... Ahahah...
Dr. Forrester: Endure the film, Joel, if you can.
TV's Frank: I will kill you!
Dr. Forrester: Goodbye Frank. And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!
Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number...
[sings]
TV's Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.
Dr. Forrester: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
TV's Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".
TV's Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.
Mike Nelson: The movie lapped itself.
Tom Servo: Is the FILM grainy, or are these GUYS just kinda grainy?
Mike Nelson: You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen.
Phantom of Krankor: What a fool.
Tom Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? HA.
Mike Nelson: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
Mike Nelson: There is not an appealing spot in this town.
Mike Nelson: I've never known more about what isn't happening in a movie.
Scientist in movie: Oh no...
Crow: The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...
Joel: Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY.
Tom Servo: The Pony Express: When it absolutely HAS to be there in three or four months or so.
Cook: They give you a thousand bucks to join, and a thousand bucks when it's over.
Tom Servo: That's at least a thousand bucks.
Tom Servo: Yep, that first morning beer is always the best.
TV's Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
TV's Frank: Coming, sir!
[hushed voice]
TV's Frank: I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about Manos: the Hands of Fate .I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.
Zak: NATALIE. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Mike Nelson: No, she thinks you're saying "BWLABLILEE."
Crow: So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?
Tom Servo: People without heads?
Mike Nelson: Used napkins?
Crow: Italians?
Mike Nelson: Crow. That's getting off the point.
Crow: You're right. Uhh... Germans?
Crow: That was an official thing I just did.
Tom Servo: Hey, Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh, no, wait, it's that guy's face.
Grandpa Borgnine: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow: You are sick, old man.
Japanese reporter: I got pictures of your spaceship.
Tom Servo: MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.
Tom Servo: Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.
Mike Nelson: Finally.
Crow: Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
Tom Servo: Vacation.
[deep voice]
Tom Servo: In the Forbiden Zone.
Tom Servo: The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance. Hahahaha. Kill me.
Crow: Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?
Mike Nelson: The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.
Gypsy: Remember, my gumball-headed young friend...
Tom Servo: She went on the beach not expecting to be abducted by a mexican wrestler.
Crow: My breasts led me here.
[Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching]
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Tom Servo: Me too.
Crow T. Robot: I accuse you, Joel. Now, carefully, hand over the hamburger sandwich.
Tom Servo: Don't let him forget the french fries potato garnish.
Tom Servo: Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
Ryder: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Tom Servo: Well, anyway, got that out of my system.
Lisa: It looks like there was a war.
Tom Servo: You'll have to take my word for it, we can't afford to show it.
[the title of the short is "Are You Ready For Marriage?"]
Mike Nelson: Uh, yeah, sure. I'm sick of sex, anyway.
Batwoman: Stay where you are.
Rat Fink: All right, I will.
Mike Nelson: Ah, the compliant villain. Can-do.
Rat Fink: Never mind the monsters, Leon.
Crow T. Robot: Here's the Sex Pistols.
Mike Nelson: You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.
Tom Servo: At this point, they could be doing anything.
Tiger: Pretty weird, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.
Mike Nelson: What'd I miss?
Crow: Only the best credits ever.
Tom Servo: I should be sternly disciplined. Oh yes.
Crow: Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.
[Mike asked the bots to do a report on cheating]
Gypsy: Cheating. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good.
Tom Servo: So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?
Joel: No, actually it's only about a minute.
Tom Servo: No.
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a junky old truck with laundry hanging from it] Oh, and who says there aren't any nice homes in Canada?
Peg: Oh, Liz, everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy.
Crow: Besides, you're a Romulan.
Reverend: George wanted to go to the funeral...
Crow: But Baywatch was on.
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a college student writing something] Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."
[watching "The Creeping Terror", in which no one will run away from a slow walking monster]
Mike Nelson: Did anyone know how to run in the '50s?
Tom Servo: This is very moving... in that it makes me want to MOVE out of the theater.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters right out of nowhere!
Mike Nelson: Man, this film really has it in for anteaters.
Crow: Here's two bucks baby, cause that's all you're worth.
Tom Servo: So, anyway... you can see how this all adds up to a movie.
Tom Servo: This movie stops at nothing... and stays there.
Crow: Dr. Who... the hell cares.
Tom Servo: So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?
Crow: We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.
Crow: This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.
Crow: I seem to have died, is that a problem?
Dr. Darwin: OK, let's keep this short.
Crow: Oh, why start now?
[Starts snowing in movie]
Mike Nelson: This is how much pure cocaine you'd need to enjoy this movie.
[as a fat man pulls out a gun]
Mike Nelson: Draw... me some butter.
Tom Servo: Joel, you magnificent bastard, I read your menu.
Troy: Rowsdower, have you always been a...
Tom Servo: Hopeless drunk?
Troy: Drifter?
Mike Nelson: Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.
Bobo: Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH?
[Sniffle]
Bobo: It takes its toll, Mike.
Girl: That's a great stew. What's in it?
Johnny Longbow: Oh, a lot of things.
Tom Servo: Rattlesnake, Velveeta.
Johnny: Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...
Mike Nelson: Hair...
Johnny: Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.
Mike Nelson: That was a very bad and confusing movie.
Tom Servo: Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.
[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Z'no.
[as a character drives off in a tiny cart]
Crow: Herve Villechaize's death car.
[during the opening credits]
Crow: I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
Crow: This makes "Driving Miss Daisy" look like "Bullitt".
Joel: [reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens?
Joel: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...
Crow T. Robot: He's a cop!
Tom Servo: So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?
Crow: We may enjoy it.
Crow: Mike, my apathy is palpable at this point.
Tom Servo: [singing] You must remember this, my liver has been pierced.
Mike Nelson: It's Winston Churchill's mobbed up brother Vito.
Crow: Come on Metamucil. Work your magic.
Tom Servo: It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.
Akronas: When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth...
Crow: ...ask for Earl.
Joel: Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down.
Mike Nelson: My wonderful discovery. Let's kill it.
Crow: Hey hotshot, you ever used a tranquilizer gun RECTALLY before?
Crow: You've got monster.
Tom Servo: And so the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.
Tom Servo: I sure do love the yelling channel.
Mike Nelson: Is their any way we could stay alive AND evade the police?
Mike Nelson: Shoot the film first, ask questions later.
Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.
Tom Servo: Peter Pan, antichrist.
Tom Servo: Oh God, here we go. The old "I could have been a dancer" story.
[singing]
Tom Servo: It's the devil's theme, his stupid little song, even though he's the embodiment of evil he's still got a goofy song, in his tights he brings death, despair, destruction and disease, now let's all join him. Devil.
Tom Servo: And now the king rips off his skin and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.
Crow: Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.
Tom Servo: O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.
Crow: This is how I go fishing guys, with a flash light and a flamethrower.
Mike Nelson: The movie that dares to graphically depict seeing peacocks and sometimes NOT seeing peacocks.
Tom Servo: [Describing his funeral] Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.
Crow: The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.
Tom Servo: Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.
Tom Servo: Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight I think.
Crow: C'mon photo. I'll cut ya. I'll cut ya real good.
[In his Groucho Marx voice]
Crow: Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.
Tom Servo: Killed by a pencil.
Crow T. Robot: Killed by a tether ball.
Tom Servo: Insert knife A into girl B.
Crow: After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.
Crow: I toast your sleaziness.
Joel: Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.
Crow: Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance.
Tom Servo: Hey Lord of the Pants. Can you tear yourself away from yourself for a minute?
Crow: Arsenic sucker, that should do it.
Tom Servo: Why is the coat rack on fire?
Crow: Lets go cream some fish.
Crow: M is for the many time you beat me. O is for the other times you beat me.
Mike Nelson: So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys.
Nastinka: Have mercy on me o rising sun.
Tom Servo: And you are?
Tom Servo: Damn. Hobbits.
Mike Nelson: This is the early version of "Snow White" called "Snow White and the One Normal Sized Guy".
Crow: Did someone drop some femurs over here?
Mike Nelson: You didn't tell us you were mythical.
[Father Mushroom appears]
Mike Nelson: so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?
Crow: I think they lick toads.
Mike Nelson: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
Crow: The movie that dares to ask, will he find the dwarf?
Crow: Heckel and Jeckel in the Ten Commandments.
Mike Nelson: My destiny sucks, it's a swamp.
Crow: I have terminal enchantment right now.
Ivan: You must have a very wicked stepmother.
Mike Nelson: Yep, standard issue.
Mike Nelson: Ever since he got back from the Crusades, he's been weird.
[watching Deathstalker break into a castle]
Mike Nelson: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
Tom Servo: The director's vision: Confusion racked with ambiguity.
[Mitchell punches through a sheet of aluminum foil]
Tom Servo: [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice] Liquid metal.
[dozens of peasants are fighting to aid Deathstalker]
Crow: We are still fighting bravely for our vague goal.
Mike Nelson: The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard.
Crow: Proving once again that slightly unattractive people are evil.
Crow: WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.
Crow: What did he say? Fart and get some sleep?
Joel: I'd love an open sewer.
Tom Servo: I hope they don't pick up the pace, this movie is relentless.
Crow: Oh no Klein, Don't take off you clothes.
Mike Nelson: You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.
Crow T. Robot: And now we are.
Detective: Now what can we do for you Mr Romaine?
Crow: Make me a salad.
Mike Nelson: You could shave with her voice.
Mike Nelson: Fonzi ace of spies.
Mike Nelson: Well I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.
Crow: His face never really came together.
Tom Servo: There is no God, there's just Dude.
[after a bad edit results in a character suddenly appearing mid-scene]
Tom Servo: I'm back.
Mike Nelson: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow: C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.
Crow: Natural born cheapskates.
Mike Nelson: Apparently the story is none of our business.
Narrator: He's the champion calf roper of senior high.
Crow: And next year's janitor.
Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel: Life is awful hard.
Crow T. Robot: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
Tom Servo: Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot.
[Ten minutes into the movie]
Crow: Oh, it's over, did that movie seem really long to you?
Crow: Put a sock in it, Legolas.
Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.
Crow: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...
Tom Servo: A man was snapped at by a force-perspective puppet today...
Tom Servo: So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?
Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
[after a movie's vain attempt at humor]
Crow: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
Crow: You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?
Crow: Soylent Green is made from people.
Tom Servo: Everyone! Soylent Green is made from chickens!
Tom Servo: Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
CIA director: [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.
Joel: It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.
Tom Servo: Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.
Pearl Forrester: Can I rule you?
Tom Servo: Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.
Tom Servo: Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?
Mike Nelson: Why you're a freak. A super freak. You're super freaky.
Mike Nelson: Your everyday annoyances should not be filmed.
Crow: Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?
Crow: Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped on Singapore.
Mike Nelson: The town that's ALL outskirts.
[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"]
Tom Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
Crow: He never fought that big a puppet before.
Crow: I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though.
Tom Servo: [singing] I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.
[Upon seeing Coleman Francis in "Red Zone Cuba"]
Mike Nelson: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in "The Fugitive".
Crow: [as Curly] Hey, Moe.
Tom Servo: The sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches.
Mike Nelson: Were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?
[Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself]
Crow: Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.
Mike Nelson: Talk, or there won't be an unpeeled orange in this place.
Tom Servo: [singing] You must remember this, this movie really sucks.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: No. I want my money back.
Dr. Forrester: Forceps, Frank. Pain.
TV's Frank: I don't care. I want my money.
Dr. Forrester: Electro shock, Frank.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: THE BOX, FRANK.
TV's Frank: I'll push the button...
Dr. Forrester: Accept the pain Frank! Accept the pain!
[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
[as a vampire woman attacks]
Tom Servo: So, she comes, she sucks on your neck, you live forever, she's super-hot, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
Mike Nelson: I must have blood before the night is done.
[as Joe Esteveze stands guard]
Mike Nelson: If you see Martin, shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: Torgo, you're the laziest man on Mars.
Tom Servo: Lucy, I'm hom... LUCY. OH MY GOD.
Tom Servo: Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.
Joel: Eleanor Roosevelt's PISSED!
Andy Henderson: Hi, Santa.
Crow T. Robot: Get the hell out of my shop.
Tom Servo: Sam Elliot is Ted Turner in 'The Gregory Peck Story'.
Crow: Oh my God, please say this isn't happening.
Crow: Come child labor. Kids. I mean kids.
Mike Nelson: The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience.
Tom Servo: I can't believe people call me a psycho, I'm gonna take those people's heads and carve em' into ashtrays.
Troy: Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?
Rowsdower: No.
Troy: What were you before?
Mike Nelson: A Chippendales dancer.
Tom Servo: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.
Joel: By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.
Tom Servo: Something vague this way comes.
[a plane is seen landing]
Mike Nelson: Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.
Mike Nelson: That's not a nose, that's a duplex.
Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.
Narrator: This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.
Tom Servo: Any questions so far?
Mrs. Snow: Poor Mickey...
Tom Servo: You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, poor Mickey.
Mike Nelson: Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.
Tom Servo: Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.
Crow: He's being compelled to hold a skull against his neck.
Mike Blackwood: There's no reason to fear the worst. All we know is that the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.
Mike Nelson: But there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
Mike Nelson: Ray Dennis Steckler may have had some issues with women.
Tom: Maybe this is a chick film and we just don't get it.
[singing to a happy Christmas tune]
Tom: Charles Manson walks the streets, The Zodiac Killer's at large, Charles Bukowski is puking out the window and Santa Claus is on his way.
Joel: We're on a collision course with wackiness.
Akronos: When it seems that nature herself is unwilling to accompany you any further, then you'd have reached the domain of Ator.
Tom Servo: Canada?
Tom Servo: So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here.
[hypnotizing a man]
The Great Vorelli: You're about to be executed by a soldier, who will put a single bullet through the back of your head.
Crow: So you might as well go along with my little act.
Tom Servo: You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, that way you can just film people saying stuff.
[finding an old chest on her ranch]
Flavia McIntyre: Gold, it must be gold.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.
[Little boy rides away]
Driver: Take Care.
Joel: Don't forget to ride towards traffic.
Tom Servo: Is it too early to hate this guy?
Crow: He's Batman.
Mike Nelson: You know, I'm a little vague on what you are talking about.
Dr. Forrester: I don't want to talk about it
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. Forrester: You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester: Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: There are hundreds!
Dr. Forrester: I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. Forrester: No, the... the Austin.
Mike Nelson: Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.
Crow T. Robot: Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."
Mike Nelson: If you're done degrading the human race, could we get on with the movie?
Tom Servo: It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"
Tom Servo: All right, we've seen his crotch, his pits, up his nose, the inside of his mouth, WHAT'S NEXT?
Crow: This guy does not know how to make a normal entrance.
Tom Servo: He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.
Crow: I'm going to read you parts of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and I want you to be honest with me.
Joel: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.
Thug: They are aware of our plans.
Crow: I got... sort of... chatty.
Joel: Action sequences filmed in "Confus-o-vision"
Tom Servo: Well, there's a lot of congestion on the highway, so you might want to consider an alternate route. Like, down the side of a steep mountain.
Tom Servo: The gods do not approve of this inept car chase.
Tom Servo: Where are you going, General?
Crow: I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.
Little Boy: What now?
Tom Servo: Scream, die maybe.
Crow T. Robot: He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know.
Joel: Hertz, don't it?
Tom Servo: A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why?
Joel: He fell him like a mighty oak.
Crow: Note to self: Never vacation on an active volcano.
Joel: This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.
Crow: Oh, my God. The humidifier committed suicide.
Joel: Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell.
Crow: Let's see... Boys life, Highlights, Popular Sceince... My own autopsy report.
Tom Servo: Well, guys, I guess no matter how hard you try, there's just no way to make parallel parking exciting.
Crow: It's the all idiot channel.
Joel: Oh, how I loathe him.
Tom Servo: Hey, Hal is reading your lips.
Mike Nelson: Hey, Hal, why don't you go on break?
Bobo: You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!
Steffi: Why won't you play with the blocks?
Observer: I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.
Steffi: I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.
Observer: No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!
Steffi: Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?
Observer: Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.
Bobo: You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.
Steffi: Hey, did you chew this?
Bobo: Um... yes.
Steffi: No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!
Bobo: Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of antropology from a future where apes evolved from men.
Steffi: No chew! Go lie down!
Bobo: Oh, Ok.
[repeated line]
Crow T. Robot: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Dr. Forrester: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. Forrester: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
TV's Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.
Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... ”Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
Tom Servo: Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.
General: Open Fire.
Crow: Kill indiscriminately.
Tom Servo: Someone can tell Raymond Burr he's late.
Joel: It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.
[Servo has a flame-thrower for an arm]
Crow: What matter of bot' are you, who can summon up fire without flint or timber?
Crow: Monster, 2: Zeros, 0.
Crow: Say, that's a good view of the fiery hell-beast.
Crow: I can fly. I can fly. I can't fly.
Badool: My name is Badool
Crow: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Badool: Can you say "Badool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't
Mike Nelson: [during a dance number] I think this is a can-can't.
Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"
Joel: Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
TV's Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank
Dr. Forrester: Why's that Frank?
TV's Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. Forrester: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
TV's Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. Forrester: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!
TV's Frank: [Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. Forrester: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
TV's Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.
TV's Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
TV's Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. Forrester: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
TV's Frank: The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...
Dr. Forrester: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
TV's Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. Forrester: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV's Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
Tom Servo: Geeze, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.
Tom Servo: Meanwhile, on a plastic set somewhere...
Tom Servo: All right. Disco fighting.
[two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false]
Mike Nelson: The wall didn't bend, ignore that.
Tom Servo: Bending metal doors, no problem, subduing stocky senior citizens, that's another story.
[an image of a large man circles in the sky]
Mike Nelson: Really, REALLY Big Brother.
Tom Servo: Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.
[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.
Mike Nelson: When confronted by a werewolf, this is important, immediately leave your car and run out in the open.
Joel: [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?
Crow: He looks like a cross between Jerry Mathers and James Dean.
Tom Servo: "Beaver Without A Cause".
[the title "High School Big Shot" appears accompanied by a flair of dramatic music]
Crow T. Robot: Big deal, so the big shot's in band.
Tom Servo: Two different kinds of plaid? Ew. I'm a naked robot and even *I* know that's a Fashion Don't.
Tom Servo: [singing along with the song "Hooray for Santa Claus"] S-A-T-A-N, I mean S-A-N-T-A. Hooray for Santy Claus.
Tom Servo: Oh, good, risk the children's lives, Santa.
Tom Servo: It's God roasted for great taste.
[while watching "The Creeping Terror, nothing's happening]
Tom Servo: Now we need a narrator, but he clams up; what's going on?
[while watching "Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm"]
Narrator: Everything seems to be growing. When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high. Now it's taller than he is.
Tom Servo: George is clearly shrinking.
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: What do you WANT from us? We're EVIL. EVIL.
[looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief]
Joel: You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.
Max keller: I guess you can't respect what you can't understand.
Tom Servo: I don't respect why this movie was made.
Crow: [while watching "Angels Revenge"] This was Jim Backus' first film after he died.
Tom Servo: 35 minutes into the movie, we hit the first plot point.
Tom Servo: Let's recap the action so far.
Joel: Uh, nothing really.
Tom Servo: Okay, moving on.
[on "Angels' Brigade]
Crow T. Robot: I bet the words "Where's my cocaine?" were heard a lot on this film.
Professor Bobo: Well, now we're all on the same page. Apes have taken over the world. Humans are an inferior species. Everything you have ever known or loved is no more... Well, your movie this week...
Pearl Forrester: Mike, your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing.
[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now.
[Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...
[Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog]
Crow: Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".
[watching women's wrestling]
Mike Nelson: Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you just invented the rowboat.
Crow T. Robot: Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...
Tom Servo: Uh, can I have that back? I kinda' need it, it's my neck.
Docter: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in...
Tom Servo: Because he got me as his doctor.
Dr. Darwin: The computer sucked everything in.
Crow: "Sucked", Let's go with that word, movie.
Crow: Oh, that'll go nice in his "fury, mutant Hell-beast from space" collection.
Joel: Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!
Tom Servo: Hmm. He's drowning. Neat.
[a particularly cheesy special effect is shown]
Crow T Robot: Special effects by Billy!
Mike Nelson: Oh, man! If you can't trust the Devil!
Tom Servo: Audiences won't soon forget when the thing-that-we-didn't-know-what-it-was was put into a helicopter by a guy we didn't know.
Mike Nelson: Uh, front desk? There's a mummy in my room.
Jody: Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?
Crow: Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?
Mike Nelson: Wow, this is weird, this happened to me. I was on a first date with a girl and her grandma killed someone. Dated the girl for a while though!
Servo: Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.
Mike Nelson: "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."
Nick: Hello, Mrs. Hinez...
Crow: How's your ketchup empire?
Crow: I'll give you a cookie, if you shut up!
Crow: He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!
[after a man breathed fire]
Mike Nelson: Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!
[during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe]
Joel: I'M HUGE!
Tom Servo: This is something Hitchcock would be proud of... his pet chimpanzee directing!
Tom Servo: At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said "Oh I just don't know"
Johnny: Well, why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you!
[During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker]
Tom Servo: Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!
[seeing the title "Why Study Industrial Arts"]
Crow T. Robot: Because you're bad at math?
Tom Servo: (singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!
Crow: Ah, the haunting "bakery" theme.
Narrator: Did Johnny mean to be dishonest?
Tom Servo: Or is he just pure evil?
[upon seeing the title "Cheating"]
Crow T. Robot: A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.
Crow: You see, son, we all die alone and afraid.
Teacher: At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
Tom Servo: Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.
Tom Servo: Here, be sure to drink it all, sometimes the poison is on the bottom.
Crow: Enjoy your (hehe) drink?
[reading credits]
Mike Nelson: Leon Leon?
Crow: He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.
Mike Nelson: What would Liberace do? Uh, I better not do that.
Joel: Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...
Johnny: Oh. I see...
Crow: They found the body, huh?
[zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus]
Crow: [dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
TV's Frank: That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.
[the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault]
Tom Servo: That was supposed to open the van door!
Mike Nelson: Damn.
Tom Servo: Suddenly the Twist and Crcme seemed a much darker place.
Pearl Forrester: I'll send him cheesy movies... The worst, I can find! He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!
Dr. Forrester: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.
Dr. Forrester: Booze really heals!
Dr. Forrester: Prepare yourselves for DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRTINGGGG!
Dr. Forrester: I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!
Mike Nelson: [the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane] Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!
Pearl Forrester: You're out of order.
Bobo: I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!
Pearl Forrester: Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.
Dr. Forrester: No, that's just an extra one he kept around.
Crow: [Watching an obviously gay character in a short] Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.
Mike Nelson: [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero] Too bad they set their phasers to miss.
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?
Crow: You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.
Mike Nelson: Huh.
Crow: No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.
Mike Nelson: Oh, thank you...
Mike Nelson: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.
General: War, is such a waste of life.
Tom Servo: You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!
Krankor: My monster obeys my every command
Crow: Like wander around aimlessly and gain weight.
Crow: Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.
Crow: Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio.
Crow: [to a peaceful bit of folk music] My anaconda don't want none less you got buns hon.
MC: Let's give a big hand for Mr. Don Snyder
Mike Nelson: Don Snyder, that's his stage name. His real name's Dan Swanson.
Drunk: You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.
Mike Nelson: But could you try?
Joel: [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.
Tom Servo: Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!
Joel: [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.
Tom Servo: As for these phantom 'breasts' Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say 'Phooey-Kaflooey!' Perhaps he has been in space TOO long!
Crow T. Robot: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!
Crow T. Robot: Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo: Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel: Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.
Crow T. Robot: You're not my real father, Joel!
Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
[after a dinosaur has been killed]
Mike Nelson: I came to warn you... an asteroid.
Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel: What?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Ohhhhhhhh...
Mike Nelson: Hey, everyone! You know, Tom, Crow, and I were talking about how the kids today don't know squat about sodium.
Crow: Yeah. I couldn't of put it better myself, Mike. Why, the shocking lack of sodium taught at schools today is shocking.
Tom Servo: That's right, Crow. So we asked ourselves: How, how, do we reach kids today about sodium?
Crow: How? How? How?
Mike Nelson: Through the Rock N' Roll Music that the kids seem to like.
Crow: ['50s-era music begins] Hit it!
Tom Servo: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Crow: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Yeah! Sodium! There is Sodium. Yeah! It's Sodium, baby! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Crow, Tom Servo: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
[the music stops]
Crow: [spoken] Sodium.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!
Dr. Forrester: It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!
Joel: Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...this Clay.
Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. Forrester: It's supposed to hurt. It's science!
Dr. Forrester: [planning on injecting Lawrence] Now, let's see... It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit... Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Dr. Forrester: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Infamous!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. Forrester: I only did that once!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh- humph!
Dr. Forrester: Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It was three times!
Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
Dr. Forrester: Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester: I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel: That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thanks
Dr. Forrester: Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
Dr. Forrester: Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. Forrester: By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: What do you think Joelrini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
Tom Servo: Cinematography by Zapuder.
Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!
[Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie]
Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel: "Mitchell"! It's a super-secret spy... has a motorcycle... marooned in space... meets Hercules... or not... uh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank, the movie?
TV's Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
TV's Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
TV's Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. Forrester: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
TV's Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. Forrester: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. Forrester: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TV's Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. Forrester: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
TV's Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
TV's Frank: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!
TV's Frank: [strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!
Dr. Forrester: And no drooling this time!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, today's film is a plotless little peccadillo called "Ring of Terror." It's about some of the oldest medical students in history. Chomp on it but don't choke!
Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.
Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick, and I like Morgan Stewart's "Coming Home".
Dr. Forrester: Afternoon, Joel. Hello, robot super-pals. If you have a moment, and I assume you do, Frank and I would like to demonstrate an amazing new fitness product. It's called the Square Master. You see, the Square Master allows you to maximize your human potential because Square Master uses one of nature's most perfect shapes for your perfect shape. How does it work? Frank? Square Master allows you to utilize complicated principles of inertia and mass. Simply, efficiently, naturally. How? By using nature's perfectly-balanced muscle-resistant: gravity. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout, start with hands on the outside of the square. Then, when you're ready, go inside the square. Put your feet on the square. Sit on the square and simulate rowing. As your workout improves, you can link two squares together to form a rectangle. Now you're really working out. And for full aerobic conditioning, work on your Shemp area.
Dr. Forrester: Joel, speaking of unattractive human bodies, your movie this week, "Eegah", has got Richard Kiel and not much else.
TV's Frank: Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!
Dr. Forrester: Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...
TV's Frank: Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.
Dr. Forrester: Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?
TV's Frank: And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!
Dr. Forrester: That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.
TV's Frank: was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.
Dr. Forrester: [while badly wounded] No... wait... I'm alive... No, I'm dead. No... Yes... No, now I'm dead... Wait... I'm still alive... No... I'm dead... Wait, I can't die. I've got too much to live for! I've got my good friend Frank! I've got things, things that I've gotta do! I gotta live and laugh and love and live and embrace the world... I wanna live!... Oh, Joe! Hi! Wooh-ooh-oooh-ow! Ah, hurt! Aah! Oh, oooh...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he must mean David More.
Tom Servo: No, he's on TV-4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More on 4.
Tom Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More by 4.
Tom Servo: Isn't that an off road truck?
Tom Servo: No, that's a 4 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom Servo: No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.
Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo: What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot: ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...
Crow T. Robot: Put your shoes on, we're at the monster.
Boss: I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different.
[we cut to a meeting on Monday]
Joel: We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Crow T. Robot: Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?
Tom Servo: Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.
Crow T. Robot: Like I said, Mission:Impossible.
Nick: So, are you making dinner?
Lisa: Are you offering dinner?
Crow: No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"
[watching a Mexican movie]
Tom Servo: Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.
[a character starts to strangle another character]
Mike Nelson: It's my incessent droning, isn't it?
Crow T. Robot: I think you're supposed to strangle me 'till I'm dead.
Mike Nelson: [singing] I love tick infested hounds; slaughtering a deer; and beer.
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character!
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character.
[a disgusting character enters a room]
Tom Servo: Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light!
[He turns on the light]
All: AAAGGGHH!
[a character trips]
Tom Servo: Plot hole!
Mike Nelson: Starring Bruce Springsteen's little brother Wayne.
Tom Servo: Oh I hope they end up togther... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!
Mike Nelson: [the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.
Crow: He's like poo alright.
Tom Servo: Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.
Tom Servo: High speed aggressive non-action.
Adam: He's not dead, I have these papers...
Crow: Proving he's not dead!
Adam: He's in a state of suspended animation.
Mike Nelson: Santa came down from heaven and made him better!
Mike Nelson: Look, just cos he's a mutated pile of goo doesn't mean he's dead!
Mike Nelson: [reading the opening credits] Oh dear. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish.
Mike Nelson: [still reading credits] Oh, Ray Dennis Steckler, that explains a LOT.
Crow: [on a freaky nightmare] This is what happened when I took NyQuill and sudafed together.
Crow: Fight direction by William Shatner.
Tom Servo: Lack of muscle beach.
Mike Nelson: [seeing a tree monster] Man, his performance is so wooden.
Crow: [we see a wrecked army base] Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!
Tom Servo: Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.
Mike Nelson: Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention
Crow: You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.
Crow: There is NO way this guy is the hero of the film. Come on movie, movie can I see your supervisor movie, this will not stand!
Crow: [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!
Tom Servo: Please... eat... me!
Phantom of Krankor: Each of you will enter a space capsule...
Scientist in movie: What?
Tom Servo: Oh, for crying out loud!
[shouts]
Tom Servo: Each of you will enter a space capsule!
Tom Servo: Krankor is Mary, Queen of Scots.
Singer: [as a song plays, a greasy cook watches] Everything I touch turns to gold...
Crow: So what happens when you touch gold?
Tom Servo: Everything I touch turns to flies.
Mike Nelson: Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.
General: Don't shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: DON'T shoot to kill?
Crow T. Robot: Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.
Stewardess: Welcome aboard.
Crow T. Robot: You're in the part of the plane that falls off.
Sergi: There's an unidentified object up ahead.
Crow T. Robot: What is it?
Crow T. Robot: There's always a boring shot.
Joel: Yeah.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.
Joel: Thank you, Tom.
Crow T. Robot: Meanwhile, back at the Cody Institute for Scientists Who Get Pummeled...
Crow T. Robot: You know it's gonna be funny, he's wearing corderoy
Joel: Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one?
Gypsy: [Long pause] Richard Baseheart!
Gypsy: Now I understand why he's so sick. Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with bitch!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!
Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!
Crow T. Robot: [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo: That was pathetic.
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo: Maybe for fiction!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. Forrester: Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!
Dr. Forrester: Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Was that when you went mad?
Dr. Forrester: No, it's when I became a scientist.
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.
Crow T. Robot: Joel? Joel?
Joel: Yeah Crow buddy?
Crow T. Robot: Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Tom Servo: They call me Mr Tibbs!
Gypsy: Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!
Magic Voice: From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel: That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.
Dr. Forrester: Frank! Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?
Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?
Gypsy: Jumpsuit...? Fool...? They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! Help! What do I do? What do I do? I gotta get him outta here! They're gonna kill him! Help!... Easy, girl! Take it easy. Calm down, breathe through your nose... Here we go... That does it. Easy does it... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... They're going to kill Joel! Ahhhh!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mikey! 'Botsie-poos! Say, you know what TV's Frank and I have been getting into lately? Voodoo! Yes, it's the safe, economical way to inflict evil on the world!
Crow: Chickens are a cruel people.
Crow: Well Mike, that's just the difference between you and me.
Mike Nelson: You hire deranged psychopaths as caterers and I don't?
Crow: Exactly.
Crow: [his testemony in Mike's trial] Hi. I'm Crow T. Robot, and I'm just letting you know Mike Nelson is
[beep]
Crow: ing innocent, so
[beep]
Crow: you
[beep]
Crow: ers. And that goes for your bull
[bleep]
Crow: court system too. Mike, I'm so
[bleep]
Crow: ing sorry I couldn't be there, so take care you
[beep]
Crow: er.
Bobo: Well Mike, that Gypsy ratted you out, looks like you're going down.
[beat]
Bobo: Do you like pancakes?
Observer: [studying Mike] His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...
Pearl Forrester: [Observer's been trying to send Mike to the planet] Ok Brain guy. I'm going to be very clear. Bring... Mike... Down here.
[a man in a business suit appears]
Mike Down, CPA: Where am I? Oh. Hi, I'm Mike Down.
Pearl Forrester: All and all a pretty nice trip. We used Brainiac here as a fish locator and then he harvested some wild mushrooms with his mind. We sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried rainbow trout. Mmm. It was heaven.
Bobo: I got bit by a rattlesnake in a very embarasing place. Had to suck the poison out myself.
Pearl Forrester: I'll never eat again.
Bobo: Then got stung by a scorpion. Oh, found the motherload of deer ticks. Uh, sat in some sandbur. Say, got mauled by a bear. Buried me so he could eat me later, and I had to dig my way out.
Mike Nelson: Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?
Gypsy: I put them in a safe place.
Mike Nelson: Okay, and where's that?
Gypsy: Some place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.
Tom Servo: So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?
Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
Mike Nelson: Well, again we're doomed.
Mike Nelson: You know Krankor, I want you to leave.
Krankor: Oh, do you? Well, you may be interested to know that I have already conquered your puny satellite and that you have no defense against me.
Mike Nelson: Ahh.
Krankor: [terrified] : Oh, please don't hurt me. Don't hit, don't hit.
Pearl Forrester: Quiet, you fool. I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating. Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1,000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past. What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible. I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you. Ha ha ha ha.
Observer: I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...
Pearl Forrester: Cower, world. Tremble, world. Run and mule and puke in terror, world. Ready. Haaarch.
Adam: How did you know I was here?
Woman: I saw the flash light.
Crow: Plus you were crashing around like a drunk elephant.
Crow T. Robot: She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence
Joel: Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie?
Tom Servo: Someone with a really big butt sat there
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
Crow T. Robot: Let's get the dog drunk next.
Crow T. Robot: Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...
Woman: But you're right, I probably read about it.
Tom Servo: In the script.
Joel: He thinks that ball's one of his pupils.
Tom Servo: He's cleverly disguised as a Hershey's Kiss.
Crow T. Robot: It sure is sunny in space.
Joel: You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break
Tom Servo: Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that.
Edward: It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen
Joel: I put them on at night and dance.
Tom Servo: You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... Alright, I'm lying my butt off...
Crow T. Robot: This is the kind of movie you don't pause when you leave the room
Edward: It's time I revealed something very serious...
Tom Servo: My underwear is a hundred years old.
Tom Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
Joel: Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.
Joel: They're like Klingons without the kling.
Crow T. Robot: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
Tom Servo: No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far.
Joel: You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.
Joel: Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Tom Servo: Hey mom, tell us about hell again.
Joel: [seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case
Tom Servo: Don't point that goat at me, it might go off.
Joel: Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off?
Joel: Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.
Crow T. Robot: In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.
Tom Servo: Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots - please shut us down?
Tom Servo: That blast to the face kinda helped her diction.
Crow T. Robot: Let's go kill something we don't understand.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.
Joel: Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat.
Crow T. Robot: Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, You taste like a fat drunk Russian.
Joel: I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.
Joel: You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.
Tom Servo: Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.
Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?
Joel: Banjo, you're just strung too high.
Crow T. Robot: Citrusville, City of Progress. Where everyone is juiced.
Crow T. Robot: Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead.
Crow T. Robot: I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.
Tom Servo: So I guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Crow T. Robot: Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.
Joel: Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot: That's not my tail.
Joel: They just watched a man get tongued to death
Tom Servo: I'd rather share a needle with Keith Richards.
Crow T. Robot: His Mickey Mouse gloves give him incredible power.
Joel: Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.
Crow T. Robot: Mind if I smell your daughter?
Crow T. Robot: What's his obsession with traffic accidents?
Joel: Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto.
Joel: Help, I'm being whipped into housewares.
Tom Servo: He died as he lived, with jelly all over his face.
Joel: Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin
Joel: Even the Monster's badly dubbed.
Joel: Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
Martian: What is Christmas?
Joel: It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
Crow T. Robot: What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?
Tom Servo: don't suppose there's any chance this guy's going to end up under the wheels of a train, is there?
Joel: This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left
Joel: The plot's starting to make sense, RUN.
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
Crow T. Robot: Nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.
Tom Servo: Since when did NASA paint anything red?
Joel: I AM IRON MAN.
The Great Vorelli: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger, that he may die at any moment.
Crow: Your life is in danger and you may die at many moment. Thank you.
Crow T. Robot: Hey check out Pee Wee's evil brother on the right.
Crow T. Robot: [mocking the hero] I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's
Tom Servo: Nice location for a beating. Real scenic.
Tom Servo: One good thing about the apocalypse - always plenty of parking.
Crow T. Robot: Will you stop being evil over my shoulder?
Joel: Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.
Narrator: Just 2 years ago he was still riding calfs
Crow T. Robot: Now he sells pencils and string on street corners.
Crow T. Robot: Oh I hate when they talk during the movie
Adam: You think this is all there is to America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
Crow: And hula-hoops and dungarees?
Adam: Well it's my job to keep the apple on the table and no-one questions how I do it.
Mike Nelson: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.
Joel: I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter.
Crow T. Robot: It's the newest sport, Grandpa dunking.
Joel: Why is he wearing a bath mat?
Joel: They're giddy with violence.
Joel: It's an army of Porto-potties.
Crow T. Robot: Can we break your hat open now and eat the popcorn?
Crow T. Robot: [watching Hercules struggle] Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?
Tom Servo: Beseech this.
Tom Servo: They're not dead, they're just 'metaphysically challenged'.
Gypsy: Hey get this, they're steam cleaning the horses.
Joel: I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating the film's doctor] Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.
Reggie: It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen
Crow T. Robot: Oh, they're on Comedy Central.
Tom Servo: Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.
Bela Lugosi: [on Lobo] Don't worry, he's as gentle as a kitten.
Tom Servo: Yeah, a big, bald, deranged kitten that could snap your neck like celery.
Joel: Ambiguity is scary.
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious.
Crow T. Robot: Mother Theresa called... She hates you.
Crow T. Robot: So this is Ingmar Bergman's first American film?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
Crow: Nihassi told me I look like a walrus.
Mike Nelson: Now, you see, this is irresponsible. They're encouraging people to go out and drug Kathy Ireland.
Crow T. Robot: She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.
Tom Servo: Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks.
Tom Servo: Evidence that Christ himself created Radar.
Crow T. Robot: Each box has a piece of Sid Melton in it
Mike Nelson: Only radar knows what the hell is going on.
Mike Nelson: Employees must wash tongues before returning to work.
Crow T. Robot: Ah, the classic battle between Evil and the narrator.
Crow T. Robot: [Santa is reading letters] Dear Santa Claus: Please bring me a little brother.' Oh ho ho ho. Can do. Can do.
Mike Nelson: He enjoys pantaloons more than he should
Mike Nelson: You know, if seasonal holiday depression has a sound track, this is it.
Crow T. Robot: Thank you Officer Platitude.
Crow T. Robot: [during teenage crime wave] Go ahead, let it out. Have a teenage cry wave
Tom Servo: Oh, teen-age youth, as opposed to the teen-age elderly?
Mike Nelson: His suit is made of pressed oatmeal.
Crow T. Robot: Chicks love big ducks, let's face it.
Crow T. Robot: I reject Tommy Kirk and all his works.
Tom Servo: Uh, she's tonguing the universe.
Mike Nelson: If it rains much more they will turn into sea monkeys.
Crow T. Robot: Whoo, exploding urinal cakes.
Tom Servo: [the short is called "A date with your family"] A Date With your Family, the Woody Allen Story.
Crow T. Robot: As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.
Crow T. Robot: Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?
Mike Nelson: Look, we've been married for 25 years, at least let me get to 2nd base.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, she's got her hair on sideways.
Mike Nelson: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
Crow T. Robot: Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver.
Crow T. Robot: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film
Crow T. Robot: Frolicking has never been so depressing.
Crow T. Robot: He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant.
Judge Clara: Their answer is summed up in two callous words...
Crow T. Robot: Bor-ing.
Crow T. Robot: Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is WILD.
Crow T. Robot: She died as she lived, failing algebra.
Crow T. Robot: It's a talking wheel chair.
TV's Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses you dink.
Sheriff: What kind of horse did he ride Mr. Cooper?
Dr. Forrester: It was just a head and a stick. It was weird.
TV's Frank: Ha, Ha, Hey you've got webbed toes.
TV's Frank: Eww, look at all the poo.
Crow T. Robot: Come on, kid, get your act together. Just read Catcher in the Rye and deal with it
Crow T. Robot: This is what lonely people did before sci-fi conventions.
Tom Servo: I am a fugative from a slumber party.
Tom Servo: Russ Meyer's Goldilocks.
Crow T. Robot: There isn't a shower cold enough for this man.
Crow T. Robot: How many of God's laws does this violate?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, never let the Devil dress you.
Crow T. Robot: Make sure your parting is gouged into your skull
Crow T. Robot: Could you get your stomach off my desk please?
Crow T. Robot: I'd rather spend a weekend in Robert Bork's underpants than watch more of this.
Crow T. Robot: The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship.
Crow T. Robot: None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required
Crow T. Robot: Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket.
Crow T. Robot: So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.
Crow T. Robot: think they were going for a 'Touch of Evil' feel, but they got a touch of somethin' else.
The Great Vorelli: You'll never win, you'll always lose.
Crow: You're Harold Stassen.
The Great Vorelli: Hugo, walk to the footlights...
Crow: Like an egyptian.
Dr. Darwin: A blank brain.
Crow: [brainwashed] Hooray for socks.
Mike Nelson: [Ortega clumsily throws someone to the ground] Worst Katshu.
Marge: Help.
Mike Nelson: I need somebody.
Marge: Help me.
Mike Nelson: Not just anybody.
Marge: HELP.
Mike Nelson: You know I need someone.
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact
Satoris: Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?
Crow: Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.
Crow: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?
Crow: Yup, when you think of shocking horror, you think of German Oompah band music.
[Joe Estevez looks surprised]
Crow: My nephew made Mighty ducks.
Crow: You know, it's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room.
Mike Nelson: Hey, my butt is drunk.
Tom Servo: So long, non acquaintance who inexplicably gave us rides in your dune buggy.
Tom Servo: [watching a man fishing] Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod.
Tom Servo: He's got double chins on his eye lids.
Tom Servo: It's dangerous for Joe Don to be in the water. Someone's bound to harpoon him.
Crow: Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair.
Crow: Clowns. Terrifying in any country.
Tom Servo: This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Joel: Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: What about "Side Hackers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Cave Dwellers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Catalina Caper"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Pod people"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Hell Cats"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Joel: "Daddy-O"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocket Attack USA"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Earth vs. the Spider"?
Tom Servo: Oh, definitely worse!
Crow T. Robot: "Ring of Terror"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "It Conquered the World"?
Tom Servo: Uh... yeah, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Lost Continent"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Joel: "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo: [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel: "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Joel: "Space Travelers"?
Tom Servo: Much worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo: Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel: "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo: Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo: [pause] It's a ton worse.
Joel: "City Limits"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm... ”Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh... ”Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm... ”Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
Crow T. Robot: They've broken our code! And the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover!
Crow: [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
Narrator: They would be part of the second line of defence. To be used only if necessary.
Mike Nelson: [immitating narrator] Also known as "dessert".
Mike Nelson: Apparently, hoping it would go away didn't work.
Narrator: The monster next appeared in lovers lane.
Mike Nelson: To a sellout crowd!
Narrator: Those who survived its terrifying attack, would never return there again.
Tom Servo: Those who did not survive said attack, also would not return there again.
Tom Servo: [mimicking the hero] Huh, she sucks. Of course, everyone sucks compared to me, I should give her a break.
Mike Nelson: I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.
Narrator: Here in southern Texas, there is an additional problem.
Crow T. Robot: Texans.
Crow T. Robot: I'm thinkin' of tellin' my wife I love her. Naah, forget it, not worth it.
Mike Nelson: What I'm about to say might sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.
Crow T. Robot: Breaker 1-9 for the big booty, we got a spam in the can and we'll catch you on the big bounce around. Over.
Crow T. Robot: I can't deny anything you've said. But you're a big fat liar.
Dr. Forrester: Mother, would you like to kill them or shall I?
Pearl Forrester: A mother has got to support her son no matter what a loser he is.
Crow T. Robot: Booze. It's what's for dinner.
Dr. Forrester: Yippe cay yay, mamajama.
Crow T. Robot: The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!
Crow T. Robot: Like a bird... like a plane! Like an idiot!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, push the button, Judy Garland!
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'll give you 3 seconds to stop licking my face.
Tom Servo: From the director who brought you that earlier stuff, more of the same!
Tom Servo: [watching ice skaters] Beauty, grace and rhythm... you won't find them here.
Crow T. Robot: With all my parts, I could've made an excellent vacuum-cleaner. Instead, it's the movies that suck!
Tom Servo: I'm glad I chose kicking butt as a living.
Joel: ...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth?
Crow T. Robot: Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look!
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow T. Robot: What is this "Coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Mike Nelson: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
Mike Nelson: I've never driven with my blood alcohol under 2 before. It's really easy!
Crow T. Robot: Do not use sharp objects for three weeks after viewing this movie.
Crow T. Robot: I think we've analyzed the plot more than the writers did.
Crow: So, d - do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that could get us through this?
Tom Servo: Oh! I know a song about stock footage; goes like this: Bada-bada-da-da... EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Woah! Woah! Woah!
Tom Servo: TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM...
Crow: Mike, Mike, Mike...? Get...
Tom Servo: ROLL IT UP SOOOO TIGHT...
Mike Nelson: All right...
Tom Servo: AND RAM IT RIGHT UP...
[starts sobbing]
Mike Nelson: [consoling Tom] All right! All right, all right, it's okay, you're okay, it's all right.
Crow: [during a song number] Heck, when they said amateur night they weren't kidding.
Tom Servo: [seeing a bottle of blue liquid] Eugh, Smurf urine.
Tom Servo: [Kalgan runs over Lea Jansen] *That* was for not knowing anything about ancient dentistry!
Tom Servo: Ahhh, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two P.M. beer buzz, ya homesick yet Mike?
Crow T. Robot: This movie means two things to me: Sheet cake and back fat.
Mike Nelson: Thank goodness for internal genitalia.
Mike Nelson: I just want to remind you, this is a Northwest flight, so we'll be sitting in the tarmac for an hour, with no beverages, no air conditioning, and we're out of meals, and the flight attendants are overworked and abusive, and if you complain, we'll throw you off the flight.
Crow T. Robot: He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.
Mike Nelson: Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
Dr. Forrester: I was alone with the world to tame, I was evil but feelin' blue Lookin' around, talkin' to clowns, Never guessin' that I'd find you
TV's Frank: Workin' the fryer I was never a cryer, I had a void in the shape of you
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank.
TV's Frank: Lookin' for love, hopin' for evil, Alls I got was chicken cordon bleu
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Ba-da-been, were livin' in Deep 13 Nobody knows what we mean Rulin' the world with our heads in a swirl and its keen Livin' in Deep 13.
Dr. Forrester: Eat hot salty loads of lead death, you pasty faced morons!
Dr. Forrester: That's fine, Joel. Have you petty little insurrection. Just remember you're trapped in space dressed like happy *kings*, and Frank and I are down here on Earth, free to do whatever we want.
[Frank enters reading TV guide]
TV's Frank: Hey, Dr. F., there's a Matlock marathon on tonight. You in?
Joel: [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot: [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel: Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot: Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel: I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot: Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... ”with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."
[pause]
Crow T. Robot: "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel: This is really confusing.
Tom Servo: Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... ”Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... ”
Joel: Okay, I think that oughtta do it...
[it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot: "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."
Mike Nelson: This movie was like watching Casablanca, while having a small child use your groin as a punching bag
Tom Servo: [during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him.
Crow T. Robot: He went out on a limb with that one.
Joel: Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap.
Tom Servo: Actually I think it's a handbag.
[Crow and Joel groan]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, hello boobie. Say, do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do.
Mr. Duvall: I just thought I'd take my morning constitutional...
Tom Servo: EW! He went on the beach?
Crow: My hair challenges yours to a fight!
Crow: I'm Sheriff Pink.
Tom Servo: Ah, straight into the arms of Shriff Menacing W. Pervert!
Mike Nelson: I'm Sheriff Character Actor.
Crow T. Robot: My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.
Tom Servo: I'm sorry these two didn't end up together.
Mike Nelson: They did.
Tom Servo: Oh, then I'm sorry about that.
Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE
Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.
Little boys: Save us, Gamera! Save us!
Tom Servo: Kill them, Gamera! Kill them!
Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me.
Joel: First things first.
Mike Nelson: I shouldn't have bought a ride for my living room.
Crow: I throw my doll at you!
Mike Nelson: Hey, look, behind Longbone, there's Waldo!
Tom Servo: Ah, they clear cut a virgin forest so people could make out.
Mike Nelson: And with that cryptic comment, I'm going to bed.
Crow T. Robot: It's Edward Scissorhands!
Mike Nelson: And remember that if you are bitten by a bat, you will convulse and turn into one, it is a scientific fact.
Tom Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central and South America.
Nuveena: Well, get bent, you robot-loving turd!
Narrator: Here was a problem civil defense authorities had never faced, and might never face again.
Crow T. Robot: How to end the film.
Shop student: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Shop student: I like the smell of fresh woodchips and sawdust.
Tom Servo: I put them in my underwear.
Shop student: The bright glare of a welder.
Crow T. Robot: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Shop student: The sharp whine of a power tool.
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Shop student: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow T. Robot: Rat-a-tat-tat - I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
[reading opening credits]
Tom Servo: Hm, "story by" so there will be a story, that's encouraging.
Lord Vultiar: It seems...
Mike Nelson: Chilly in here, could you turn down your guy?
Mitchell: That's the first piece of information you've had all night.
Crow T. Robot: How about letting *us* in on some?
Mike Nelson: New Puffs Plus; with strontium-ninety.
Mike Nelson: I'm sorry, clearly you're not a psychopath.
Tom Servo: That's right! Now get out before my dog orders me to shoot the president!
Mike Nelson: This movie is crediting the entire United States person-by-person!
Tom Servo: 'The Ten Commandments" had a smaller cast than this!
Dr. Forrester: [on the electric bag pipes] I love it! Look, Larry's cornias are bleeding!
Dr. Forrester: Sail on, Silver Bird!
[injects Lawrence in the butt]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. Forrester: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester: It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.
Tom Servo: You want surreal? I'll give you surreal: A Very Brady Christmas.
Henchman: We'll make slaves of men with this mask.
Crow: And we'll rule fish, too!
Tom Servo: You know, I'm at least as tense as I was during "A Very Brady Christmas".
Tom Servo: Uh, Bob, I'm on fire.
Tom Servo: The huge, huge, face!
Mike Nelson: [a character is in a tree] A separate piece... of *crap*!
[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'
Manfred: Mind you, everyone blamed Hargrove.
All: We blame you, Hargrove.
Tom Servo: [during a showing of Pietro Francisci's "Hercules"] They came across a pack of Trojans in the road.
Mike Nelson: Some have described me as an ambulatory mound of suet.
Dr. Forrester: Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!
TV's Frank: Yes, that's right. It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.
TV's Frank: It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!
Crow T. Robot: 'Twas beauty fed the beast.
Tom Servo: It was a Big time when Big men drove nothing but Huge Ford Cars!
Tom Servo: I figure he'll get bored and die, and then I will rule!
Griffin: Is that the mountain?
Tom Servo: Let's kill that mountain.
Mike Nelson: C'mon! Dead people know what's gonna happen here!
Crow: [sigh] Surprise ending written and conceived by a tube-worm.
Scientist in movie: The whole mountain is blowing up under us!
Tom Servo: The model doesn't look to good either.
Tom Servo: Meanwhile, on a dry model.
Son: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad: Nonsense.
Joel: He hated you.
Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot: He got sent to jail for it.
Yole: Now that the Golden Fleece is gone, he must officiate.
All: EWWWWWWW!
Mike Nelson: We're goin' campin' and you're gonna watch.
Richie Havens-Sounding Guy: [singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...
Crow: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm *really* sashaying through the sarcasm.
[a woman is being stabbed by a possessed ventroliquist dummy]
Tom Servo: Mortimer Snerd in "Fatal Attraction".
[during an interminable opening monologue]
Dr. 'Z' Leopold: It's been a long twenty years.
Tom Servo: Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.
[reading the list of bands in a movie]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
Joel: What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?
Helicopter Pilot: Until further notice...
Tom Servo: I'm Paul Frees.
Mike Nelson: [looking in book] So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?
Crow: Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"
Mike Nelson: Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!"
[pause]
Mike Nelson: [slightly unsure] Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?"
[pause]
Mike Nelson: [very unsure now] "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... ”
Crow: Oh, geez...
Tom Servo: Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!
Mike Nelson: Oh, Pearl's calling!
Tom Servo: I said, cut it out, Mike!
Mike Nelson: No, see, she is! See?
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah, sorry!
Mike Nelson: So a scientist gets his information from a minimum wage park services guy?
[after the woman suggests treating Paul's injury with antiseptic]
Paul: [enthusiastic] We can go back to my place. I've got all kinds of antiseptics there!
Tom Servo: Dozens, no, *hundreds* of antiseptics!
Woman: Your place?
Paul: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
[a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest]
Crow T. Robot: Luckily this is before death was invented.
[a man is sleeping onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.
Crow T. Robot: Well, the music's awful, but at least it's drowning out the dialogue.
[as an ugly man dances onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!
Tom Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow T. Robot: I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow T. Robot: [imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?
Danny Winslow: I'm Danny. Danny Winslow. What's your name?
Bix Dugan: [mumbling] Bix Dugan.
Joel: Big Stupid?
Mike Nelson: Fabio!
Tom Servo: Fabio!
Crow: Fabio!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: We're Fabio!
Crow T. Robot: I am the lemon zester of destruction.
Noel: At the risk of sounding nuts...
Crow: I've replaced my toes with grapes.
Crow T. Robot: Hot merging action!
Joel: Oh, my goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.
Crow T. Robot: [as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background] Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.
Tom Servo: [pointing out an exhibit at an international fair which resembles France's Arc de Triomphe] Oh, look it's the Arc de Full Retreat.
Joel: [as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

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