Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)
Tom Servo: I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.
Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.
Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichÈ. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?
Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.
Tom Servo: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!
[a character looks directly at the camera]
Crow T. Robot: What do you, the viewers at home, think?
Mike Nelson: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo.
Mike Nelson: The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.
Mike Nelson: Cambot, give me rocket number nine.
Judy: [as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, evidently.
Mike Nelson: [about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair
[hearing a door closing]
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
Crow T. Robot: Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, my God!
Crow T. Robot: Hmmmm. Qualified. Qualified? Hmmmm. Wow, what a question! Me, Crow T. Robot, what do I think? Am I qualified? Wow! That's a heavy burden. How can I make a difference? CAN I make a difference? Oh surely, I'm but a single bot, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing. Maybe I can change the world.
Crow T. Robot: Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down. Hmmmm. Hey Cambot! Move it in a little and, uh, cue that uh moody music. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this? No, no, nope nope, no, uh. I've got to learn to think for myself. To stand on my own two foot-like apendages. Seize the day. Yes. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by god, I can do it! Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign, yeah, that would help. And, uh, I could organize a bake sale. Or, uh, hey! We could ALL help! Come on friends, run to your window and shout, "I'm really cheesed and I'm not gonna hang around 'till this thing gets better!" Uh, why organize a, uh, improv group and do gorilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here's an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don't snap judge me. And then, watch that - uh, uh, I know! Put a drop of vanilla behind each ear and youÌll smell like a cookie all day!
[Getting more excited]
Crow T. Robot: Or, eat an apple: nature's toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It's easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!
Crow T. Robot: I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision! I'm no good at this sort of thing!
Crow T. Robot: It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign.
[as Dr. Smith]
Crow T. Robot: Oh, the pain. The pain.
[a character finds an old drunk in a barn]
Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?
Sister Ann: Let's do this thing.
Tom Servo: What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW!
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: What do you *want* from us? We're *evil*. Evil!
[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show.
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.
[Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer]
Crow: Hey, Mike. Want a try?
[Mike samples the snack]
Mike Nelson: Mmmm, that's pretty good.
Crow: Try it with my special dipping sauce.
[Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]
Mike Nelson: Not bad.
[Tom comes in with his dome missing]
Tom Servo: Hey, that looks good! What is it?
Crow: Your head.
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!
Tom Servo: Yes I do. Remember, little boy: if I can leave you with one birthday message, it is... Greet each day with a mighty roar. And always know what time it is. And wear Old Spice. Walk briskly to and from your job, and remember: neatness counts. Fill your head with candy. You are how you look. Me? I'm a gumball machine! I embrace that and my colleagues respect me for it. Heed this advice and maybe, just maybe, you'll grow up to be like me, Tom Servo.
Tom Servo: Hi, everyone, kind of a tough moment. We just tapped into earth's geneology records and discovered the cause of this simian holocaust. You see, virtually every single one of Mike's decendants married apes!
Mike Nelson: Come on, all my grandkids?
Mike Nelson: What about great grandchildren?
Crow: Checking... yes! Francis Nelson married a macaque, otherwise they all married great apes.
Tom Servo: You can see why he's upset folks.
Crow: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Mike Nelson: Thomas Ryan Nelson married a slow lorus. Kevin R.W. Nelson, probably a great great grandchild, who married a ruffed lemur... Yep! Your family liked its monkeys Mike!
Crow: Oh it was quite unusual... hey hey hey hey, here's a Wilburt H. Nelson who married a Sara Thompson of Oak Park Illinois. Uh Ohhh... seems he kept an aye aye in an apartment downtown. Ha hoo hoo, this is not pretty stuff. Here's a W.D. Nelson who married eight times... silverbacked gorilla, one two and three, then he picked up a penchant for a bonobo and married those four times before wedding a japanese snow monkey on a day before...
Mike Nelson: OK, OK Crow, I think everyones heard enough. I think we all get the point.
Crow: Mike I think I speak for all of us when I say... GOOD ONE NELSON!
Tom Servo: I'm locking up my sock monkey, I'll give you that much for free.
Crow T. Robot: Yes?
Gypsy: I don't get you!
Crow T. Robot: Oh.
Gypsy: Are you mad?
Crow T. Robot: [gruffly] NO!
Crow T. Robot: No.
Gypsy: Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
Crow T. Robot: Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.
Gypsy: Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.
Crow T. Robot: Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?
Gypsy: Uhh... No.
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?
Gypsy: Uhh... I guess that's a start...
Crow T. Robot: Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?
Gypsy: Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?
Gypsy: Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?
Gypsy: Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy... Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!
Crow T. Robot: [losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.
Joel: MOVIE SIGN!
Crow T. Robot: This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.
Dr. Forrester: It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
Dr. Forrester: When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry? Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! And why is that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case,
[Lawrence is about to speak]
Dr. Forrester: Larry!
Crow: [Crow's defense testimony] This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % f - -ing not guilty. And if you bastards don't goddamn find him innocent, then you can just f - -ing kiss my fat f - -ing ass. And that f - -ing goes for your bulls - - court system, too! Mike, I'm so motherf - -ing sorry I couldn't f - -ing be there for this f - -ing s - -ty really bogus trial, man. But let me goddamn tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd f - -ing kick everyone's fat stupid motherf - -ing behinds and then cram it up their f - -ing ass. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this s - - helps. Take care, Mike.
Bobo: [pause] I'm sitting next to a free man!
Dr. Forrester: In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.
TV's Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?
Dr. Forrester: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
TV's Frank: Clear.
[they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]
Dr. Forrester: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
TV's Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.
Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.
[after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster]
Tom Servo: What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?
Flora: No, Edward! Don't do it!
All: DO IT, EDWARD, DO IT!
Tom Servo: I'm Popeye the sailor man; I've got a guy's head in my hand
Michael: See? You're feeling better already.
Joel: Rolling in the filthill do that for you
Mr. Parkins: See you when I can.
Crow T. Robot: Is that vague enough for you?
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!
Scientist in movie: Can I show you something?
Tom Servo: It's under my uniform...
Tom Servo: This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...
Crow T. Robot: Hey, knock it off!
Tom Servo: [as different images of Gypsy are shown] Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...
Crow T. Robot: Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!
Tom Servo: Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.
Crow T. Robot: [as Gypsy enters] I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.
[both see Gypsy]
Crow T. Robot: I gotta go clean my room now.
Tom Servo: I gotta go clean his room too.
Yuri: Are you calling me a psychopath?
Crow: I'll kill your whole family if you call me that!
Mike Nelson: Please do not surcumb to the urge to eat each other.
General: Did you know flying a plane is like making love?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you have to pay?
Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.
Dr. Forrester: Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.
Gary: Uh, the plot?
Dr. Forrester: The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?
Doug: I liked the plot, it was just too short.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.
Dr. Forrester: Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...
Tony: A mild reaction.
Dr. Forrester: A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...
Cindy: I don't like soup.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...
Pearl Forrester: Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.
Dr. Forrester: would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?
Dr. Forrester: Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.
[Mike appears in the theater after trying to strangle Bobo]
Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Mike Nelson: Because I... hey.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Is it working for you?
Dr. Forrester: Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?
Dr. Forrester: Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.
[characters pile into a car]
Mike Nelson: We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!
Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Tom Servo: NOT THE RECIPE!
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.
TV's Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester: Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester: Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel: Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester: Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
Kathy: My father's dead.
Tom Servo: That's too bad. Now PICK UP!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy
Crow T. Robot: I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.
Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot: It was this long.
[after a character has strangled another character]
Tom Servo: There, now can we get some sleep?
Tom Servo: Why do we have to pray for the mads?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. Forrester: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!
Dr. Forrester: Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
TV's Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
TV's Frank: Oh, bite me Frodo!
Dr. Forrester: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
TV's Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. Forrester: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
TV's Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.
Crow T. Robot: On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.
Scientist in movie: You are a cynical, suspicious man.
Crow T. Robot: No I'm not! Who told you that?
[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!
Joel: Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel!
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together, either.
Joel: Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo: Why?
Joel: 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo: Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel: No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo: Will it hurt?
Joel: Of course not.
Tom Servo: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel: think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
Crow T. Robot: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Tom Servo: To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!
Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike Nelson: I knew I had some rub left.
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...
[Mike begins nodding head along with the list]
Hamlet: ... The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin!
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike Nelson: Fardels.
Dr. Forrester: Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester: I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'll change!
Dr. Forrester: Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I've changed.
Dr. Forrester: Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester: Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel: Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester: How long have you been listening?
Joel: Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thurs- My casserole!
Crow: Oh, Gypsy, we're giving you a shower.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, she's surprised. Isn't that darling?
Gypsy: Well, I'm not getting married. Am I pregnant?
Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.
Tom Servo: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
Tom Servo: Thoughts of sex distracted me and now I have to immolate myself to subdue the buzzing in my head.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?
Crow: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.
Crow: Thrill as they listen really hard.
Tom Servo: Marvel as they listen even harder.
Tom Servo: I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me.
Mike Nelson: You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.
Tom Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least successful werewolf.
Crow: Ooo. I bet that would taste great with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own HEAD with drawn butter.
Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel: What do you mean, Servo?
Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel: Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!
Tom Servo: Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!
Crow: The ONLY end, my friend.
Mike Nelson: Ya, and the children are all insane, right?
Crow: They withheld all the interesting people 'till the end of the movie...
Tom Servo: Gee, even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog.
Crow: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."
Tom Servo: [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.
[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...
[gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.
Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.
Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.
[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene:]
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Launch Controller: Six...
Launch Controller: Five...
Mike Nelson: I think controlling her will might involve a sloe gin and a Corvette.
[Off to the left side of the screen, a car rolls off camera]
Tom Servo: Boy, the car will do anything to get out of the movie.
Pearl Forrester: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl Forrester: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. Forrester: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl Forrester: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. Forrester: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow T. Robot: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Pearl Forrester: Huh.
Dr. Forrester: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow T. Robot: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Mike Nelson: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Mike Nelson: Alright, yeah.
Pearl Forrester: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow T. Robot: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl Forrester: Well, again guys, this is the big time.
Tom Servo: Well whaddaya know, a random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass.
Tom Servo: Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?
Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Tom Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo: Huh.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot: No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Crow: Well, I suppose I could just eat the boat and spit them out.
Crow T. Robot: Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.
Crow: So, the only effect of his complete immolation is... minor irritation and redness?
Crow: White Beer, there's a trailer park of taste in every bottle.
Mike/Joel and Robots: We've got movie sign.
Crow: I felt a disturbance, like a million monkeys cried out at once, then all were silenced. The world... is no more.
[the lights and sirens go off]
Tom Servo: And even worse... WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGNS!
Dr. Forrester: These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here
TV's Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. Forrester: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
TV's Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. Forrester: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
TV's Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. Forrester: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. Forrester: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
TV's Frank: Meatloaf?
Crow: It wasn't amnesia I had... it was Ambrosia.
Crow: Make a wish, baby...
TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from apartment 4B is going to give us a religious insight.
[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.
Mike Nelson: You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.
Crow T. Robot: You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.
[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.
Mike Nelson: You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: But Captain Mike...
Mike Nelson: Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?
Mike Nelson: It's right there on your belt.
Crow T. Robot: No. No, that's not it.
Mike Nelson: It is, too.
Crow T. Robot: Nope...
[a chase scene ensues on lethargic go-karts]
Crow: Put your helmet on; we'll be reaching speeds of 3.
Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.
Gypsy: Tom, I don't get you.
Tom Servo: Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.
[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]
Joel: Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.
Teenage boy: Mr. Miller, is something wrong?
Crow: Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.
[a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"]
Crow: Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.
Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.
Crow T. Robot: I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"
Joel: Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Gypsy: Call in with your answer!
Joel: Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV?
Gypsy: Let us know what you think!
Joel: Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner?
Gypsy: Give us a call! Tell us your answer.
Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number...
TV's Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.
Dr. Forrester: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
TV's Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".
TV's Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.
Tom Servo: Is the FILM grainy, or are these GUYS just kinda grainy?
Mike Nelson: You know, even when stuff happens in this movie, stuff doesn't happen.
Phantom of Krankor: What a fool.
Tom Servo: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? HA.
Mike Nelson: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
Mike Nelson: I've never known more about what isn't happening in a movie.
Scientist in movie: Oh no...
Crow: The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...
Cook: They give you a thousand bucks to join, and a thousand bucks when it's over.
Tom Servo: That's at least a thousand bucks.
Zak: NATALIE. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Mike Nelson: No, she thinks you're saying "BWLABLILEE."
Crow: So, anyway, guys, who did they think this movie would appeal to? Elderly squirrels?
Tom Servo: People without heads?
Mike Nelson: Used napkins?
Mike Nelson: Crow. That's getting off the point.
Crow: You're right. Uhh... Germans?
Tom Servo: Hey, Mike, is that Satan's butt? Oh, no, wait, it's that guy's face.
Grandpa Borgnine: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow: You are sick, old man.
Japanese reporter: I got pictures of your spaceship.
Tom Servo: MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.
Tom Servo: Hey, they threw Alanis Morissette in prison.
Mike Nelson: Finally.
Crow: Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
Tom Servo: Vacation.
Tom Servo: In the Forbiden Zone.
Tom Servo: The sad thing is, they're trying to tap dance. Hahahaha. Kill me.
Crow: Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?
Mike Nelson: The doctor dresses like an off-duty Denny's manager.
[Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching]
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Tom Servo: Me too.
Crow T. Robot: I accuse you, Joel. Now, carefully, hand over the hamburger sandwich.
Tom Servo: Don't let him forget the french fries potato garnish.
Tom Servo: Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
Tom Servo: Well, anyway, got that out of my system.
Lisa: It looks like there was a war.
Tom Servo: You'll have to take my word for it, we can't afford to show it.
Mike Nelson: You know, it's possible they're making an electric Santa Claus.
Tom Servo: At this point, they could be doing anything.
Tiger: Pretty weird, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.
Tom Servo: So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?
Joel: No, actually it's only about a minute.
Tom Servo: No.
Peg: Oh, Liz, everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy.
Crow: Besides, you're a Romulan.
Reverend: George wanted to go to the funeral...
Crow: But Baywatch was on.
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a college student writing something] Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."
Tom Servo: This is very moving... in that it makes me want to MOVE out of the theater.
Tom Servo: So, anyway... you can see how this all adds up to a movie.
Tom Servo: So what if your clone is a hard-drinking, hard-living clone?
Crow: We need your liver to keep your CLONE alive.
Crow: This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.
Mike Nelson: Bobo, we have to do something. Please tell me you're not a pod.
Bobo: Oh, me? Noooo. Everybody else is down here - not me. You know why not me? Because the monkey isn't good enough... AGAIN. Should we assimilate the monkey? Noooo. The monkey's got a red butt. Stupid monkey's got a red butt. Does the monkey want a BAH-NAH-NAH?
Bobo: It takes its toll, Mike.
Girl: That's a great stew. What's in it?
Johnny Longbow: Oh, a lot of things.
Tom Servo: Rattlesnake, Velveeta.
Johnny: Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...
Mike Nelson: Hair...
Johnny: Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.
Tom Servo: Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.
[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Z'no.
[as a character drives off in a tiny cart]
Crow: Herve Villechaize's death car.
[during the opening credits]
Crow: I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
Tom Servo: So the rest of the movie is just watching them all get shot one by one?
Crow: We may enjoy it.
Tom Servo: It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.
Akronas: When you seem to have reached the ends of the Earth...
Crow: ...ask for Earl.
Crow: Hey hotshot, you ever used a tranquilizer gun RECTALLY before?
Tom Servo: And so the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying RAT.
Mike Nelson: Is their any way we could stay alive AND evade the police?
Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.
Tom Servo: And now the king rips off his skin and becomes a dinosaur from Mars.
Crow: Here comes Mike, destroyer of worlds.
Tom Servo: O god of fire and vengeance, stay away from me.
Crow: This is how I go fishing guys, with a flash light and a flamethrower.
Mike Nelson: The movie that dares to graphically depict seeing peacocks and sometimes NOT seeing peacocks.
Tom Servo: [Describing his funeral] Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.
Crow: The Queen Mother could heat up a room more than this.
Tom Servo: Yea. I've seen sexier girdle ads.
Tom Servo: Her coffee table was purchased with the souls of young girls. About eight I think.
[In his Groucho Marx voice]
Crow: Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.
Crow: After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.
Joel: Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.
Tom Servo: Hey Lord of the Pants. Can you tear yourself away from yourself for a minute?
Crow: M is for the many time you beat me. O is for the other times you beat me.
Mike Nelson: So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys.
Nastinka: Have mercy on me o rising sun.
Tom Servo: And you are?
Mike Nelson: This is the early version of "Snow White" called "Snow White and the One Normal Sized Guy".
[Father Mushroom appears]
Mike Nelson: so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?
Crow: I think they lick toads.
Ivan: You must have a very wicked stepmother.
Mike Nelson: Yep, standard issue.
Mike Nelson: Ever since he got back from the Crusades, he's been weird.
Tom Servo: The director's vision: Confusion racked with ambiguity.
[Mitchell punches through a sheet of aluminum foil]
Tom Servo: [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice] Liquid metal.
Crow: Proving once again that slightly unattractive people are evil.
Crow: WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.
Tom Servo: I hope they don't pick up the pace, this movie is relentless.
Mike Nelson: You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.
Crow T. Robot: And now we are.
Detective: Now what can we do for you Mr Romaine?
Crow: Make me a salad.
Mike Nelson: Well I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.
Narrator: He's the champion calf roper of senior high.
Crow: And next year's janitor.
Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel: Life is awful hard.
Crow T. Robot: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
Tom Servo: Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot.
[Ten minutes into the movie]
Crow: Oh, it's over, did that movie seem really long to you?
Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.
Crow: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...
Tom Servo: A man was snapped at by a force-perspective puppet today...
Tom Servo: So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?
Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
[after a movie's vain attempt at humor]
Crow: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
Tom Servo: Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
CIA director: [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.
Joel: It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.
Tom Servo: Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.
Pearl Forrester: Can I rule you?
Tom Servo: Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.
Tom Servo: Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?
Mike Nelson: Why you're a freak. A super freak. You're super freaky.
Crow: Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?
Crow: Hundreds of dancers are loaded into a C-31 transport and dropped on Singapore.
[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"]
Tom Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
Crow: I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character. This is great, though.
Tom Servo: [singing] I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.
Mike Nelson: Were we supposed to do some readings for this movie?
[Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself]
Crow: Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.
Mike Nelson: Talk, or there won't be an unpeeled orange in this place.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: No. I want my money back.
Dr. Forrester: Forceps, Frank. Pain.
TV's Frank: I don't care. I want my money.
Dr. Forrester: Electro shock, Frank.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: THE BOX, FRANK.
TV's Frank: I'll push the button...
[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
[as Joe Esteveze stands guard]
Mike Nelson: If you see Martin, shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.
Tom Servo: Sam Elliot is Ted Turner in 'The Gregory Peck Story'.
Mike Nelson: The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience.
Tom Servo: I can't believe people call me a psycho, I'm gonna take those people's heads and carve em' into ashtrays.
Tom Servo: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.
Joel: By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.
[a plane is seen landing]
Mike Nelson: Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.
Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.
Narrator: This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.
Tom Servo: Any questions so far?
Mrs. Snow: Poor Mickey...
Tom Servo: You're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, poor Mickey.
Mike Nelson: Okay, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.
Tom Servo: Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear.
Mike Blackwood: There's no reason to fear the worst. All we know is that the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.
Mike Nelson: But there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
Mike Nelson: Ray Dennis Steckler may have had some issues with women.
Tom: Maybe this is a chick film and we just don't get it.
Akronos: When it seems that nature herself is unwilling to accompany you any further, then you'd have reached the domain of Ator.
Tom Servo: Canada?
Tom Servo: So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent. We're outta here.
Tom Servo: You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, that way you can just film people saying stuff.
[finding an old chest on her ranch]
Flavia McIntyre: Gold, it must be gold.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.
[Little boy rides away]
Driver: Take Care.
Joel: Don't forget to ride towards traffic.
Mike Nelson: You know, I'm a little vague on what you are talking about.
Dr. Forrester: I don't want to talk about it
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. Forrester: You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester: Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: There are hundreds!
Dr. Forrester: I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. Forrester: No, the... the Austin.
Mike Nelson: Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.
Crow T. Robot: Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."
Mike Nelson: If you're done degrading the human race, could we get on with the movie?
Tom Servo: It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"
Tom Servo: All right, we've seen his crotch, his pits, up his nose, the inside of his mouth, WHAT'S NEXT?
Tom Servo: He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.
Crow: I'm going to read you parts of "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and I want you to be honest with me.
Thug: They are aware of our plans.
Crow: I got... sort of... chatty.
Tom Servo: Well, there's a lot of congestion on the highway, so you might want to consider an alternate route. Like, down the side of a steep mountain.
Tom Servo: Where are you going, General?
Crow: I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.
Joel: This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.
Crow: Let's see... Boys life, Highlights, Popular Sceince... My own autopsy report.
Tom Servo: Well, guys, I guess no matter how hard you try, there's just no way to make parallel parking exciting.
Crow T. Robot: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Dr. Forrester: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. Forrester: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
TV's Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.
Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
Tom Servo: Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.
[Servo has a flame-thrower for an arm]
Crow: What matter of bot' are you, who can summon up fire without flint or timber?
Badool: My name is Badool
Crow: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Badool: Can you say "Badool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't
Mike Nelson: [during a dance number] I think this is a can-can't.
Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"
Joel: Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
TV's Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank
Dr. Forrester: Why's that Frank?
TV's Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. Forrester: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
TV's Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. Forrester: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!
TV's Frank: [Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. Forrester: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
TV's Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.
TV's Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
TV's Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. Forrester: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
TV's Frank: The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...
Dr. Forrester: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
TV's Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. Forrester: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV's Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
Tom Servo: Geeze, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat.
[two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false]
Mike Nelson: The wall didn't bend, ignore that.
Tom Servo: Bending metal doors, no problem, subduing stocky senior citizens, that's another story.
[an image of a large man circles in the sky]
Mike Nelson: Really, REALLY Big Brother.
Tom Servo: Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.
[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.
Mike Nelson: When confronted by a werewolf, this is important, immediately leave your car and run out in the open.
Joel: [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?
Crow: He looks like a cross between Jerry Mathers and James Dean.
Tom Servo: "Beaver Without A Cause".
Tom Servo: Two different kinds of plaid? Ew. I'm a naked robot and even *I* know that's a Fashion Don't.
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank: What do you WANT from us? We're EVIL. EVIL.
[looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief]
Joel: You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.
Max keller: I guess you can't respect what you can't understand.
Tom Servo: I don't respect why this movie was made.
Tom Servo: 35 minutes into the movie, we hit the first plot point.
Tom Servo: Let's recap the action so far.
Joel: Uh, nothing really.
Tom Servo: Okay, moving on.
Professor Bobo: Well, now we're all on the same page. Apes have taken over the world. Humans are an inferior species. Everything you have ever known or loved is no more... Well, your movie this week...
Pearl Forrester: Mike, your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing.
[Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog]
Crow: Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".
[watching women's wrestling]
Mike Nelson: Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.
Crow T. Robot: Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...
Tom Servo: Uh, can I have that back? I kinda' need it, it's my neck.
Docter: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in...
Tom Servo: Because he got me as his doctor.
Dr. Darwin: The computer sucked everything in.
Crow: "Sucked", Let's go with that word, movie.
Crow: Oh, that'll go nice in his "fury, mutant Hell-beast from space" collection.
Joel: Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!
[a particularly cheesy special effect is shown]
Crow T Robot: Special effects by Billy!
Tom Servo: Audiences won't soon forget when the thing-that-we-didn't-know-what-it-was was put into a helicopter by a guy we didn't know.
Jody: Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?
Crow: Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?
Mike Nelson: Wow, this is weird, this happened to me. I was on a first date with a girl and her grandma killed someone. Dated the girl for a while though!
Crow: He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!
[after a man breathed fire]
Mike Nelson: Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!
Tom Servo: This is something Hitchcock would be proud of... his pet chimpanzee directing!
Tom Servo: At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said "Oh I just don't know"
[During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker]
Tom Servo: Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!
Tom Servo: (singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!
Teacher: At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
Tom Servo: Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.
Tom Servo: Here, be sure to drink it all, sometimes the poison is on the bottom.
Mike Nelson: Leon Leon?
Crow: He had the laziest, most unimaginative parents in the WORLD.
Joel: Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...
[zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus]
Crow: [dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
TV's Frank: That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.
[the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault]
Tom Servo: That was supposed to open the van door!
Mike Nelson: Damn.
Suddenly the Twist and Crc
Pearl Forrester: I'll send him cheesy movies... The worst, I can find! He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!
Dr. Forrester: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.
Mike Nelson: [the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane] Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!
Pearl Forrester: You're out of order.
Bobo: I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!
Pearl Forrester: Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.
Dr. Forrester: No, that's just an extra one he kept around.
Crow: [Watching an obviously gay character in a short] Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.
Mike Nelson: [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero] Too bad they set their phasers to miss.
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?
Crow: You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.
Mike Nelson: Huh.
Crow: No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.
Mike Nelson: Oh, thank you...
General: War, is such a waste of life.
Tom Servo: You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!
Krankor: My monster obeys my every command
Crow: Like wander around aimlessly and gain weight.
Crow: Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.
Crow: [to a peaceful bit of folk music] My anaconda don't want none less you got buns hon.
MC: Let's give a big hand for Mr. Don Snyder
Mike Nelson: Don Snyder, that's his stage name. His real name's Dan Swanson.
Drunk: You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.
Mike Nelson: But could you try?
Joel: [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.
Tom Servo: Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!
Joel: [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.
Tom Servo: As for these phantom 'breasts' Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say 'Phooey-Kaflooey!' Perhaps he has been in space TOO long!
Crow T. Robot: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!
Crow T. Robot: Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo: Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel: Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.
Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
[after a dinosaur has been killed]
Mike Nelson: I came to warn you... an asteroid.
Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Mike Nelson: Hey, everyone! You know, Tom, Crow, and I were talking about how the kids today don't know squat about sodium.
Crow: Yeah. I couldn't of put it better myself, Mike. Why, the shocking lack of sodium taught at schools today is shocking.
Tom Servo: That's right, Crow. So we asked ourselves: How, how, do we reach kids today about sodium?
Crow: How? How? How?
Mike Nelson: Through the Rock N' Roll Music that the kids seem to like.
Crow: ['50s-era music begins] Hit it!
Tom Servo: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Crow: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Yeah! Sodium! There is Sodium. Yeah! It's Sodium, baby! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
[the music stops]
Crow: [spoken] Sodium.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!
Dr. Forrester: It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!
Joel: Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...this Clay.
Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. Forrester: It's supposed to hurt. It's science!
Dr. Forrester: [planning on injecting Lawrence] Now, let's see... It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit... Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?
Dr. Forrester: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Infamous!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. Forrester: I only did that once!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh- humph!
Dr. Forrester: Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It was three times!
Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
Dr. Forrester: Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester: I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel: That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thanks
Dr. Forrester: Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
Dr. Forrester: Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. Forrester: By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: What do you think Joelrini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!
[Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie]
Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
TV's Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
TV's Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
TV's Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. Forrester: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
TV's Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. Forrester: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. Forrester: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TV's Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. Forrester: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
TV's Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
TV's Frank: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!
TV's Frank: [strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!
Dr. Forrester: And no drooling this time!
Dr. Forrester: Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.
Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.