The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
Sukie Ridgemont: What scares me isn't how short life is, no, it's the pain, all the pain. I don't understand why there has to be any pain.
Daryl Van Horne: I like women. I admire them. But, if you want me to treat you like a dumb twit I will. What's the point? You have brains Alex, more than brains, and you don't even know it do you? Well most women do not.
Alexandra Medford: Are you married?
Daryl Van Horne: Good question! You see, brains! The answer is no, I don't believe in it. Good for the man, lousy for the woman. She dies, she suffocates. I've see it! And then the husband runs around complaining that he's fucking a dead person, and he's the one who killed her!
[bursts into laughter]
[Trying to remember Daryl Van Horne's name]
Mrs. Biddle: It's right on the tip of my tongue. Well... isn't that diabolical?
Daryl Van Horne: I see men, sixty, seventy years old breaking their balls to stay fit! What for? When I die, I want to be sick, not healthy.
Alexandra Medford: I don't think that men are the answer to everything.
Sukie Ridgemont: No.
Jane Spofford: Then why do we always end up talking about them?
Daryl Van Horne: I see men running around trying to put their dicks into everything, trying to make something happen... but it's WOMEN who are the source... the only power. Nature, birth, rebirth. Cliche? Cliche... sure... but true.
Alexandra Medford: I think... no, I am positive... that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together, you have demonstrated EVERY loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick.
Daryl Van Horne: Men are such cocksuckers aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.
Daryl Van Horne: Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?
Sukie Ridgemont: You're terrible!
Alexandra Medford: No I'm not. I'm fabulous.
Daryl Van Horne: You may think me crazy, but I know music. It's the one thing that makes me humble.
Alexandra Medford: Who are you?
Daryl Van Horne: Just your average, horny little devil.
Daryl Van Horne: Of course, I wouldn't know a snowy egret if I were pissing on one. Lunch?
Alexandra Medford: I think it's a little late in the season.
Daryl Van Horne: For lunch?
Alexandra Medford: No, pissing on birds.
Daryl Van Horne: Well, if that's how you feel about it, then that's how you feel about it. Is that how you feel about it?
Mrs. Biddle: This man out of absolutely nowhere, this man appeared. Heh! So charming. Not really handsome, but... riveting. Yes, that's the word. I was riveted. I was looking into his eyes, and I found myself thinking thoughts I hadn't entertained since World War II. I think I actually... blushed.
Felicia Alden: [Felica speaking to Clyde while being fed oatmeal in the hospital] You know, you sit there in that pathetic excuse for an office, reporting gossip, while under your very nose, evil is doing its worst. You have no spine, Clyde. Not one ounce of morality. Versed, even common sense. Nuclear holocaust, rape, murder, apartheid. Why these words they mean nothing to you.
Clyde Alden: It's a local newspaper, Honey.
Felicia Alden: It's local turpitude. You are a failure, Clyde. You know you should be strung up with that son-of-a-bitch who bought that house.
Felicia Alden: [Felicia speaking to Clyde after being dragged out of the church] There once was a paradise, and then a serpent came into that garden.
Clyde Alden: Oh, for christ sakes, Felicia, would you stop? Please, just stop, stop.
Felicia Alden: Oh, Clyde, I have nothing against a good fuck, but there is danger here and somebody has to do something about it.
[constructing their ideal man]
Sukie Ridgemont: Huge.
Jane Spofford: I prefer small.
Sukie Ridgemont: Oh, yeah, right...
Jane Spofford: No, no, no, Sam was huge, and there were times when I just could not face it.
Alexandra Medford: Really? Well, I'm sort of in the middle myself. But hey, as long as it works, it's in.
[they clink glasses]
Carol Medford: You don't have to come today, you know, I mean, if you don't want to.
Alexandra Medford: No, sweetheart, I want to, it's just that I have a million things I have to do first.
Daryl Van Horne: [on video] Take it easy. We don't want the whole household in here, do we, boys? That's it. Good boys, we're gonna do just fine. Now come on, come on to daddy and gimme a big kiss. Come on, good boys, come on. Come on, come to daddy, cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo.
[sounds of babies overlapping]
Daryl Van Horne: That's it, come on, come on. come on.
Daryl Van Horne: Aw ladies, come on.