Frank Phillips: You don't have the authority to declare Happy Birthday!
Mike Brady: Now maybe, just maybe, we're dealing with a mutant form of slug here, a kind that eats meat!
Kim Brady: Did you hear? About Harold and Jean Morris?
Mike Brady: Nope, why?
Kim Brady: They're dead.
Mike Brady: Ah, come on now...
Kim Brady: Yeah, I heard it on the news. There was some sort of explosion in their greenhouse. They were both inside.
Mike Brady: Wha-Wait a second, how'd this happen?
Kim Brady: No one knows.
Mike Brady: Ah, Jesus. They were nice people. I liked them a lot.
Kim Brady: I know, I did too.
Mike Brady: [long pause as Brady looks down at the garden] So what are you doing out here anyway?
Mike Brady: After I've dealt with these slugs, what do you say to we get naked and crazy?
Mike Brady: Sheriff, you don't mind if I smoke do you?
Sheriff Reese: I sure as hell do, Brady. You can muck up your own lungs if you want but don't mess with mine, goddammit.
Sheriff Reese: [Brady throws his cigarettes out the window] Today's your lucky day, Brady.
Mike Brady: Oh really, why's that?
Sheriff Reese: Littering's a $500 fine in this state, don't let me catch you doing it again.
Mike Brady: Sheriff, you know what they found in those candies you're eating? Rat shit and maggot's eggs!
Sheriff Reese: [Sheriff spits the candy out the window] Pfffttt!
Mike Brady: Oh, now sheriff... littering! That's a $500 fine!
Sheriff Reese: Son of a bitch.