C.D. Bales: [challenged to think of twenty jokes better than "Big Nose"] Let's start with... Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: all right, Delbman, your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: you know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's IN IT that matters. Humorous: laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it's goodbye, Seattle! Commercial: hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: uh, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody. He's got...
Everyone: [singing] The whole world in his nose!
C.D. Bales: Sympathetic: aw, what happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: whoa! I'd hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it. Inquiring: when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: saihr, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! How many is that?
Dean: Fourteen, Chief!
C.D. Bales: Religious: the Lord giveth... and He just kept on giving, didn't He? Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Paranoid: keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: it must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped.
[he pauses, pretending to be stumped, while the crowd urges him on]
C.D. Bales: All right. Dirty: your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
C.D. Bales: [to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose] I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.
C.D. Bales: [shouting through the front door] Ten more seconds and I'm leaving!
Roxanne Kowalski: [opening the door] What did you say?
C.D. Bales: I said, ten more seconds and I'm leaving! Wait a second! What did you think I said?
Roxanne Kowalski: I thought you said, "Earn more sessions by sleeving."
C.D. Bales: Well, what the hell does that mean?
Roxanne Kowalski: I don't know. That's why I came out
[Roxanne Kowalski is walking behind a hedge because she is nude]
Roxanne Kowalski: Nobody had a coat?
C.D. Bales: I thought you said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne Kowalski: Why would I not want a coat?
C.D. Bales: You said you didn't want a coat!
Roxanne Kowalski: I was being ironic.
C.D. Bales: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.
C.D. Bales: I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.
Mayor Deebs: I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world.
Chris McConnell: [after Chris accidentally insults C.D.'s nose] Aren't you going to kill me? The guys said...
C.D. Bales: Oh, ordinarily, yeah, but not today.
Chris McConnell: How come?
C.D. Bales: Because yesterday... she didn't. But today... she does.
[They laugh together, as the guys come back in]
Chuck: So you finally got a sense of humor about your nose.
[C.D. grabs his tie and slams him against the wall, causing the guys to run out again]
C.D. Bales: I, uh, notice you don't have any tattoos. I think that's a wise choice. I don't think Jackie Onassis would've gone as far if she'd have had an anchor on her arm.
C.D. Bales: Well, every job has a perfect tool. Let's see... Uh, this lock doesn't accept Master Card.
Chris McConnell: What am I afraid of her for? She's no rocket scientist.
C.D. Bales: Well, actually, she is a rocket scientist.
C.D. Bales: [about Roxanne's comet] So what do you get if you're right about this thing?
Roxanne Kowalski: Well, I graduate, that's for sure. And I get to name it.
C.D. Bales: Oh, that'd be great, kind of historical.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah. "Comet Kowalski."
C.D. Bales: "Kowalski"? Why? You've got a chance to give it a beautiful name!
Roxanne Kowalski: That's my name.
C.D. Bales: It is? Roxanne Kowalski? Oh, heh-heh... sorry.
Roxanne Kowalski: By the way, I named the comet.
C.D. Bales: Oh oh yeah, oh yeah, good ol' Comet Kowalski.
Roxanne Kowalski: No, Comet Charlie.
C.D. Bales: Oh, hey... that's nice.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah, it's my dad's name.
C.D. Bales: Oh... oh. Well, he'll be so happy.
Dixie: What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: Huh?
Dixie: It's a riddle. What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
C.D. Bales: I don't know.
Dixie: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
C.D. Bales: What's the point?
Dixie: The point is that sometimes the answer is so obvious, you don't even realize it. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You should tell her!
C.D. Bales: Tell who, what?
Dixie: Tell Roxanne that you love her.
Dixie: So, why don't you ask her out?
C.D. Bales: Sometimes I take a walk at night and I see couples walking, holding hands and I look at them and I think: "Why not me?" Then I catch my shadow on the wall...
Roxanne Kowalski: You know, I've been thinking about what attracted me to Chris. It wasn't the way he looked. Well, that's not true, at first it was the way he looked. But it was how he made me feel. He made me feel romantic, intelligent, feminine. But it wasn't him doing that, was it? It was you. You and your nose, Charlie. You have a big nose! You have a beautiful, great big, flesh-and-bone nose! I love your nose! I love your nose, Charlie. I love you, Charlie.
Roxanne Kowalski: Well?
C.D. Bales: Are you kidding?
[he somersaults off the roof of the house]
C.D. Bales: [the first time Chris sees C.D.'s nose] It's hypnotic, isn't it?
Chris McConnell: It's huge! It's enormous! It's gigantic! I mean, they said it was big, but I didn't expect it to be BIG!
C.D. Bales: It's not the size of the nose that matters, it's what's inside that counts!
Roxanne Kowalski: I have nothing against cute. I just wish I could meet someone with half a brain this time.
Roxanne Kowalski: Maybe you'd like some wine with your nose? Cheese.
[after C.D. opens the door to her house]
Roxanne Kowalski: Do you want to come in...?
[She comes in, and sees he is already in the kitchen, preparing some cheese and vegetable cutlets]
C.D. Bales: Uh, I sort of already did. I figured you must be starving, so I just made us some cheese and vegetables, au naturel...
Roxanne Kowalski: Maybe you'd like some wine with your nose...
[C.D. cuts a piece of cheese, unusually forcefully]
Roxanne Kowalski: ...cheese.
[unable to sip from a narrow-mouthed wineglass, C.D. sticks his nose into the glass and snorts it]
C.D. Bales: Party trick. Ah, well, a nose by any other name...
Roxanne Kowalski: Would smell as sweet.
Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.
Roxanne Kowalski: When you're getting love letters, you don't go around trying to compare the signature to the handwriting.
C.D. Bales: You wanna know why? Cause you wanted to believe it. You wanted it all. All the romance and emotion, all wrapped up in a cute little nose and a cute little ass!
Jim: Heard you're tough.
C.D. Bales: I am.
[C.D. stands, begins to walk away]
C.D. Bales: But, uh, if you used a little tenderizer, I might cook up pretty good.
[C.D. keeps walking, waves dismissively]
Jim: Hey, where you going, Big Nose?
C.D. Bales: [the whole bar goes quiet, C.D. stops and turns around] Pardon me?
Jim: You heard me... Big Nose!
C.D. Bales: You must know about M31.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah.
C.D. Bales: Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.
Roxanne Kowalski: Do you know how many objects are up there?
C.D. Bales: Well, I know it's over fifty.
C.D. Bales: When you're reaching for a star, there's a long way to fall.
Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don't stare.
Chris McConnell: Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.
Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.
Ralston: Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap."
Chris McConnell: [laughs] Thanks guys, all right.
Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.
Roxanne Kowalski: Well, if I do change my mind, you'll know because my breasts will be heaving and moist with perspiration.
Roxanne Kowalski: You even got me in bed.
C.D. Bales: Yeah. Yeah, what about that? You went to bed with him on your first date.
Roxanne Kowalski: Only because you seduced me. I would have never gone to bed with him otherwise.
C.D. Bales: You still went to bed with him awfully fast! A few frilly words and you're counting ceilling tiles.
Roxanne Kowalski: I don't even consider that I went to bed with him!
C.D. Bales: Well, somebody was up there, and it's for goddamn sure it wasn't me!
Mayor Deebs: I want something that says action with style. Kind of a GQ firefighter.
Chris McConnell: [Roxanne spies Chris in a bookstore] Hey, did that copy of 'Being and Nothingness,' by Jean...
Stationery Clerk: Jean-Paul Sartre? Yes, it did. I got it right here! It's all paid for.
Chris McConnell: Great! Okay, thanks a lot.
Stationery Clerk: De rien. Il n'y a pas de quoi.
Chris McConnell: All right, okay...
Stationery Clerk: It ain't nothing, bro!
Chris McConnell: [reading as he exits bookstore] "... therefore my body is a conscious structure of my consciousness..."
Andy: Yeah. Thanks, Chris. I was too embarrassed to go in there and ask for it myself.
Chris McConnell: A little light reading, huh, Andy?
C.D. Bales: Yes, I have a friend who is looking for a cosmetic, or wondering if one exists, that's sort of a shading type of arrangement. Do you have anything like that, that would be in a... er, shading area?
Cindy: Well, we have lots of lots of blushes and things. What specifically is it for?
C.D. Bales: She has this... feature, that she would like to, uh, you know, de-emphasize.
Cindy: I see. She has this - extra large feature? And, uh, she wants something to make it look a little smaller?
C.D. Bales: Exactly.
Cindy: Well, I think a dark contour would be fine.
C.D. Bales: Great, great. Now, how would she go about, you know, applying this... thing?
Cindy: Well, she would... she would just shade the area of the, uh, feature, to make it appear that there were more shadows, and less actual - well, less actual acreage - I mean area.
C.D. Bales: I'll take it.
[C.D. is helping Chris with his first letter to Roxanne]
C.D. Bales: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris McConnell: I think it's really good!
C.D. Bales: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."
C.D. Bales: [coaching Chris by radio as he woos Roxanne] Reach out your hand.
Chris McConnell: My hand, out reaching to - car 3, car3! Proceed to the 279.
Roxanne Kowalski: What?
[C.D. drops from a tree in front of the ladies]
C.D. Bales: Where am I?
Nina: You're in Nelson.
C.D. Bales: Nelson? Why, I'm home. They brought me home!
[waves to sky]
C.D. Bales: Bye! What day is it?
Nina: Friday. "Dallas" is on.
C.D. Bales: Friday? Then it took no time! It didn't exist in time!
C.D. Bales: The spacecraft! I was walking along, and a spacecraft landed right in front of me.
Lydia: I read about this in the Enquirer. Did it have lights on it?
C.D. Bales: Lights? You never saw so many lights! It was like Broadway! Then this door opened. A creature came out, had big suckers on his palms! He walked like this:
[makes pucker sounds]
C.D. Bales: Then he took his palms, put them right on my face. Took me over to Roxanne's house, because they wanted to observe me.
Dottie: At Roxanne's house?
C.D. Bales: That's where they are right now!
Dottie: Ah, this is bullshit. We'll miss "Dallas", come on, girls, let's go.
C.D. Bales: You think I'm nuts, don't you? They wanted to ask me about older women.
C.D. Bales: Because they wanted to have sex with them.
C.D. Bales: Here! Right here in Nelson. They wanted to start a colony of supermen who would have sex with older women because they said, and I quote, "they really know what they're doing."
Lydia: We do!
Sophie: It's been so long!
Dottie: Oh, girls, girls! Do you actually believe that there are creatures from outer space who want to have sex with older women?
Dottie: Let's go and check it out!
Roxanne Kowalski: So why did you say those things?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid.
Roxanne Kowalski: Of me? Afraid of what?
C.D. Bales: Tell her you were afraid of words.
Chris McConnell: What?
C.D. Bales: Words.
Chris McConnell: Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!
[after Roxanne shows up naked outside the firehouse]
Trent: Who's at the door?
C.D. Bales: Someone locked out of their house.
Andy: Need any help, chief?
C.D. Bales: Nah, it looks pretty boring, I'll handle it.
C.D. Bales: I've got a two o'clock, and a five o'clock, and the women are just lined up around the block, mostly because of the old saying.
Dixie: What old saying?
C.D. Bales: You know, about the size of a man's nose relating to the size of his...
Dixie: Of his what?
C.D. Bales: Oh, you know.
Dixie: Come on.
C.D. Bales: Hey, Sophie?
Sophie: [turns around at the next table] Yeah?
C.D. Bales: You know that old saying about a man's nose?
Sophie: Oh, you mean how a man's nose relates to the size of his...
[she stops as all the old ladies at the table gasp; they burst into excited chatter]
Sophie: Oh, my God...
C.D. Bales: I love doing that to them.
C.D. Bales: Dixie! Hi, how you doing, girl? Yeah, I'm on my way. I'll be there in about five minutes. I'm bringing it! I've only had it a year and a half, I told you I'd return it. OK. So long. Talk to you later. All right. All right. Bye.
[last lines before credits]
C.D. Bales: Oh, it's locked! It's locked! Oh! Oh. Thank god I have a key.
C.D. Bales: You see, I am and I will always be the one who loved you without limits.
C.D. Bales: I almost never let this moment happen. And now I feel sorry for people for whom it never comes.
C.D. Bales: I love you. I have breathed you in and I am suffocating.
Kid on Roof: They call me Porky at school.
C.D. Bales: Ah, why do they have to do that, goddammit. Sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you.
Kid on Roof: [pause] Bastards! Oh, sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of you. Do I have to go down now?
C.D. Bales: No, no let's just stay up here for a while.
C.D. Bales: I'm tired of having a magnificient, fabulous, interesting nose. I want a cute little, petite, little button nose. Give me the American Beauty, Dave.
C.D. Bales: Here's your racket.
Dixie: Thanks. What's this stuff on it, Vitalis?
C.D. Bales: Oh no, it's blood.
[banging the counter]
C.D. Bales: Where's my tea?
Dixie: Bernie! You want to tell me about it?
C.D. Bales: You're too young.
C.D. Bales: [after Mayor Deebs tells him about his idea to use a cow as the Oktoberfest mascot] I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's, it's, dare I say... genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...
Andy: That's our new computer. We can pinpoint any fire in town with that. It's perfect for us, because, you know, we're the fire department.
Chris McConnell: Your breasts, they're like melons. No, no, they're like pillows. Can I fluff your pillows?
C.D. Bales: [talking to his doctor] I wanna look like... Diana Ross!
Roxanne Kowalski: Just get out! Go on, get out!
C.D. Bales: Wait a second, I am out. You get in!
Roxanne Kowalski: No, get out!
C.D. Bales: Get in. Go on, get off the porch. Go on get off the porch.
C.D. Bales: But my point is you can't run a fire department with the seven banana Brothers. You need professionals.
C.D. Bales: [C.D is helping Roxanne move her extremely heavy telescope up a huge flight of stairs at the back of her house] You know, my aunt once knitted one of these, it was a lot lighter.
Andy: [wearing boxing gloves, as Ralston tries to revive an unconscious Jerry] Hey, he owes me fifty bucks.
Ralston: You animal.
C.D. Bales: I am in orbit around you, I am suspended weightless over you like the blue man in the Chagall, hanging over you in a delirious kiss.
Cosmetic Surgeon: What you need is psychotherapy.
C.D. Bales: I can hear it now. 'Get used to it! 500 dollars, please.' Can I see some of those nose cards for a while?
[All the nose cards look the same]
C.D. Bales: [walks into the fire station and the trash can is on fire] God dammit we're supposed to put them out! I have a dream, it's not a big dream it's a little dream. My dream, and I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, is that the people of this community would think that, God forbid there were a fire, calling the Fire Department would be a WISE THING TO DO! You can't have people when their houses are burning down, saying "Whatever you do, don't call the Fire Department!" That would be bad!
[puts out the trash fire]