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Real Men
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Synopsis for
Real Men (1987) More at IMDbPro »

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The movie opens with a secret U.S Agent walking through a forest holding a map and a glass of water. He is shot and the government thinks it was an inside job and without the agent to meet the requirements, the person with the package the government wants will be out of their reach. This is because the person who was shot is the only one who they will trust. The captain says there is only one other man who can help but they dont like him because he is a loose cannon. The action cuts to a market where the man that they are speaking about Nick Pirandello is in working on the fish stall. During his undercover work, he spies a rival agent who he chases after and traps him in truck. The rival agent is impressed that Pirandello has caught him trying to flatter Pirandello to let him go. Pirandello doesnt fall for this and tricks the agent by saying he has swallowed a poison pill and hell be dead in 2 mins if he doesnt tell Pirandello where the stolen map is. The agent finally cracks and tells him that the map is at the room 505 at the Highway Hotel. Pirandello then walks and the agent begs him for the antidote. Pirandello shouts back that the agent didnt swallow a pill at all, what he did swallow was a button from his shirt before punching him unconscious. While Pirandello is I the room at the hotel, the KGB pull up outside the room armed with shotguns. Pirandello finds the map in an alarm clock. Pirandello manages to evade the murderous KGB by using his shoelaces to make a crude version of a rope to swing from the firescape and through another window. A KGB agent kicks down a door and sees a man and woman having sex. The man cannot be seen as he is under the covers. It turns out to be Pirandello who turns around and shoots the KGB agent through the shoulder. Pirandello finally gets the map to his captain named Cunard but it is intercepted at the last moment by an assistant of the captain who throws it out of the window and it gets picked up by another rival agent. He briefly says that he is with the other side before being carried away. Once he has gone, Pirandello tells captain Cunard that the mole didnt just throw the map out of the window but a note saying to the rival agents to give themselves up. Cunard tells Pirandello that a look-alike of the original agent who was shot in the forest is sought after. They want the look-alike to pretend to be the dead agent and make the exchange in the forest like what was supposed to be done originally. Cunard says to Pirandello that his job is to convince the look-alike to accept the mission. A job that isnt going to be so easy. The look-alike is named as Bob Wilson. Wilson is driving his car and nearly collides with a passing milk truck. The milkman gives Wilson a sly wink and drives off. Wilson pulls into his garage, gets out of his car and set a bunch of ducks/ swans on the lawn back to their rightful places. He walks in the house to find himself confronted by his wife and children. His wife tells him that their daughter and son have been bullied. The daughter has had foul abuse screamed at her and the boy has had his bike stolen. Wilson goes down to the place where his sons bike is supposed to be and finds a group of delinquents spray painting it. One of the youths says to Wilson that the bike is going to be sold on at a profit and if Wilson is prepared to pay for it, then he can have it. Wilson asks to inspect the bike as it says a unique serial number on it that will determine whether or not that is in fact his sons bike. The youth confronts him as do the rest of the gang. He tells Wilson to give him $250 and he can have the bike. Wilson tries to take the bike and is hit in the face by one of the gang whose name is Oaf with his elbow. The leader Buddy asks Wilson if he wants a hand, after which Buddy steps on Wilsons foot and pushes him over into a empty box filled with Styrofoam. He returns from a broken man and falls asleep on the sofa in his house. The white noise from his TV wakes him up and he pulls himself from the sofa. He hears a noise in his house. He thinks its a burglar. He goes into his garage and picks up a rake. Seeing a light on the other side of the door, he bursts in and flails around with the rake, knocking things over as he searches the cupboards. Pirandello eventually makes himself known and tells Wilson that he needs his help. Wilson waits until Pirandello turns his back to him before trying to hit him with the rake. He fails however when he cant pull it out and falls to the floor. Pirandello turns around and gives him his gun to prove that he can trust him. Wilson takes the gun and tries to shoot Pirandello again while his back is turned but Pirandello is no fool. He made sure that the bullets were not in the gun when he gave it to Wilson. Pirandello then playfully threatens Wilson with his own loaded gun. He tells him that the house is surrounded by men wanting to kill Wilson. Pirandello says that they have to be in Washington by 8.00am on Monday as time is of the essence. Wilson says he doesnt want to go. By now Pirandello is getting enraged with Wilson, wondering why he wont go. Wilson says he has a lot of work to do and that his boss wont let him go. Pirandello tells him that he will square it away with Wilsons boss when he returns from the little trip. Pirandello makes a nail gun from some items in Wilsons garage before both he and Wilson sprint outside to cover after taking out the guy with the machine gun hiding up a tree. Pirandello tells Wilson not to worry about his family as he has already left them safely with the neighbours. The rest of the men shoot and destroy Wilson beloved ornamental ducks which Wilson is furious about. One of the men shoot at Wilson with a rocket launcher, luckily it misses Wilson and makes a large hole in his garage. The man then repeats the shot several more times and completely misses Wilson. However he does not miss the house and the rockets proceed to blow it up. Having had enough of the shooting, Wilson screams to the men that he isnt with Pirandello. They dont care about his pleas and continue to shoot at Wilson. Wilson runs away and is clothes lined at an agent, knocking him to the ground. The agent is then shot by another pair of rival agents over the road upon a roof. Pirandello manages to scare off the other rogue agents and picks up Wilson from the ground. Wilson is having difficulty speaking as the agent smacked him in his throat. Pirandello tells him that he was brave drawing the other agents fire. He leads him into another house. Pirandello helps himself to a snack and finds a 3 day old milk in the fridge. Pirandello tells Wilson that his fridge was full of milk and not just one or two cartons. He tells Wilson that the milkman has been making extra stops at his house to have sex with Wilsons wife while he is out slaving the day away at work. Wilson is upset by this and again tries to hot Pirandello. Foolishly he has chosen to tango with one of the best agents in America. Pirandello counters Wilsons punch and punches back right back, knocking him into the kitchen top. Pirandello then jumps on top of Wilson and restrains him. Seething with anger, Wilson squirms under Pirandellos grip. Pirandello then goes into detail about what the milkman and his wife are doing while he is at work before helping Wilson back up. Wilson again tries to punch Pirandello and yet again Pirandello counters it with a gut punch, winding Wilson. Pirandello then asks if Wilson has got the notion of punching him out of his system. Wilson nods and they walk out of the house. Pirandello helps Wilson through a wire fence but Wilson repays the favor by simply running away. However Wilson is greeted by an agent with a sharp knife. Though luckily for Wilson, Pirandello sneaks behind the agent and hits him over the back of the head with his gun, knocking him unconscious. Pirandello says to Wilson that he was selfish for not holding the fence open for him rather than trying to distract the agents. He also tells Wilson that he is doing a good job before hitting on the head with his gun to stop him running away again. Wilson wakes up to broad daylight as he is lying in the back of Pirandellos car. The screen read LAS VEGAS Tuesday. Wilson pulls himself out of the car seat. Winking in the sun, he looks around for Pirandello. Seeing that the coast is clear, he gets out of the car to again make another run for it. He runs down the street and gets to a pay phone. He calls up his daughter and tells her that he is Las Vegas. The family think he is in a mental hospital because that was what Pirandello told his family in order to throw them off about Pirandello taking Wilson. Wilson tells his family that he has been kidnapped by Pirandello. He turns around to find Pirandello looking straight at him with an annoyed look on his face. He takes the phone off of Wilson pretending to be a doctor and tells Wilsons wife that he shouldnt be talking to anyone yet and that he is fine and should be coming home soon. Pirandello then tells him that they had to change cars, this is due to the fact that the other agents are looking for Pirandellos car. Wilson then tries to steal a car but it wont start. The reason for that is because Pirandello has taken out the main cable to the engine. Pirandello tells Wilson nicely to get out of the car and Wilson tells him that he isnt going anywhere with him. Pirandello says fine and walks to the boot of the car. He pulls it open and pulls out a can of Gasoline which he starts to tip all over the car. Pirandello tells Wilson that he knows that hes upset about the mission but he will feel much better when they finally arrive in Washington D.C. Wilson still doesnt want to go so Pirandello puts the gasoline can on the hood of the car, showing Wilson what he just covered the car in. Pirandello strikes a match and Wilson quickly gets out of the car and blows the match out. Pirandello then tells Wilson about the mission that they have to get the big gun from the aliens before its too late. Wilson doesnt believe him and tells him to drive him back home. To convince Wilson, Pirandello shows Wilson a gift he got from the aliens, a special pen that works as a beacon for the UFOs. Pirandello hammers the pen into a baseball. Wilson finally understands and believes that what he saw was real but just as he is about to agree to the mission, a shot takes out the cars back windscreen and Pirandello pushes Wilson to safety. Wilson and Pirandello run into a house and several men are shooting at them. Pirandello throws Wilson to the floor to protect him while he reloads his gun. Wilsons asks Pirandello who is trying to kill them. Pirandello replies its the KGB who want the map so they can get the sacred big gun from the aliens and they would kill just to talk to the UFOs. The men outside surround the house block any means of escape the two of them. Pirandello asks Wilson if he has any special abilities that might help them in this situation. Wilson tells him that he was an alternate on the debating team in the high school. Pirandello then makes a quip about going out there to argue with them. The car that Pirandello was going to take to escape in is unfortunately blown up leaving the escape plan void. Suddenly a black car pulls up outside the window. Pirandello says the KGB is sending in their top negotiator to draw them out. Pirandello greets the Russian negotiator and calls her Dolly. Dolly tells Pirandello that not even his own government will allow him and Wilson to arrive at Washington D.C alive. Dolly insults Wilson and Pirandello tells him to pay no notice to the insult once he tells him what it means. Dolly says that if Pirandello hands over the map then both he and Wilson will get to walk away alive but theyd need a guarantee that Wilson wouldnt talk to the police or government about them. Pirandello asks her what guarantee does she want. She tell Pirandello that they want Wilson dead therefore their original bargain was a lie. Pirandello asks her what the terms of the surrender of Wilson are. She tells him a million dollars in cash and other compensations. Pirandello takes her into the back room to talk while a hysterical Wilson stays out in the firing line of the front of the house. After what seems like hours, Pirandello emerges from the back room with a smile on his face. Dolly emerges and tells Pirandello that the stock he bought is going to crash and they are going to crash it. Pirandello says that it will cripple him financially if that happens. Pirandello tries to find a way out and gets ambushed by the KGB hanging out in the backyard. He runs back to Wilson and asks Wilson if he wants the good news or the bad news first. Wilson asks for the bad news first to which Pirandello tells him they wont make it out alive. Wilson then asks whats the good news to which Pirandello replies that it dont look like they will survive for long. Pirandello tells Wilson they only have one chance but Wilson will have to stay close to him and do whatever he does. Pirandello shoots an agent and Wilson tries to do it with his hand as an imaginary gun. He shoots an agent and kills him. What he didnt know was the agent slipped and fell back onto a piece of sharp wood sticking out of the tree which impaled him in his back. Wilson then thinks that the little men in the UFO are helping them. Pirandello says thats good because they are going to need all the help they can get. He run to a phone box and Pirandello takes out the remaining agents left. Pirandello asks Wilson if he has a quarter for the phone to which Wilson tells him no. Pirandello then runs out towards some ground to try and find one that he thinks he sees lying on the ground. He is shot at and finds out that the quarter he thought he saw was an aluminum bottle cap. A couple of shots from the rogue agents obliterates the coin box in the pay phone, showering Wilson with change. He shouts to Pirandello that he has a quarter now. Pirandello runs back screaming for Wilson to cover him and takes the quarter from Wilsons hand. He shouts Wilson about not covering him. Wilson shouts back that he only has two hands. Pirandello places the coin in the payphone and calls his friend telling him to sell his stock as quick as can. He sighs that he out of bullets and looks to see no-one is on the rooftops. Wilson asks him where they have all gone to which Pirandello tells him they have gone to lunch. Wilson stares at Pirandello in disbelief, the agents have gone on lunch? Pirandello tells Wilson that the KGB isnt as dedicated at their job as the Americans are as they have no incentives or motivation to finish a task. They run away and Pirandello helps Wilson over a high wooden fence. Wilson asks Pirandello what are the aliens negotiating with the Americans to get the big gun, that if he is going to agree to the mission just what is he risking his life for. Pirandello asks him to write down what he about to tell him. Wilson asks Pirandello if he has something to write with. Pirandello tells Wilson that he used to have a pretty good pen (the pen that he used to convince Wilson in the first place). Wilson pulls his own pen from his pocket and begins to write. He basically tells Wilson that all life on planet earth will be dead in five years if they dont succeed with this deal. He tells Wilson they need a safe place to go and Pirandello takes Wilson to his own mothers house. Pirandello introduces Wilson to his mum. Mrs. Pirandello asks him to help her in the kitchen, leaving poor Wilson alone in the hall. Wilson encounters a beautiful woman coming down the stairs who takes an instant liking to Wilson. The woman tries to make out with Wilson on the sofa but to his horror finds out that the woman is in fact Pirandellos Dad who has had a sex change. Pirandello asks his mother if he may borrow the car which she allows. They stop off in NEW MEXICO on Wednesday and buy some items from the petrol station. Wilson points out a copy of the National Enquirer which has the headline Earth dead in Five years. That was exactly what Pirandello was talking about in Vegas. Reading through it while they are driving, Pirandello points out that half of the news in the paper is top secret information that CIA have tried to keep secret. Pirandello drives the car down a corn field encased road because he needs to pee. Getting out of the car, Wilson tells Pirandello that he has changed his mind about the mission. Pirandello tells Wilson that if he walks away now that he will have no choice but to shoot him because of the secrets he now knows. Pirandello goes in the corn field to pee and once again Wilson tries to run away. He falls down and pulls the note he wrote on from his pocket. But it isnt a note at all, its the real map. Wilson runs out of the field to find Pirandello has gone with the car. He sprints up the road looking for the car. Finally collapsing from exhaustion, Pirandello appears above him. Wilson is now very furious. He screams at Pirandello about where he has been. Pirandello smiles and says he just moved the car to a spot it cant be found. Wilson argues with Pirandello calling him an imbecile and that he has jeopardized the whole mission by giving him the map. Wilson orders Pirandello to get in the car, teeth gritted as he does so. Pirandello does what Wilson tells him and walks back to the car. They drive to Indianapolis for Thursday and stop off behind an old warehouse. Pirandello reaches under a dumpster and pulls out the glass with the White house insignia that the CIA agent who looked like Wilson was carrying at the start of the movie. They are about to walk out of the alley where the dumpster is but they get ambushed by clowns. Well actually they are the top agents gone rogue disguised as clowns to hide their identities. But Pirandello knows each and every one of them even with the makeup on. Wilson starts crying because the whole mission and these clowns is really getting to him. Pirandello tells Wilson to stop crying. To stop him crying Pirandello tells Wilson that he is an undercover Russian agent working with the United States. Wilson doesnt believe him and Pirandello says that he was hypnotized to remain undercover but one word would reenact him back to duty of the United States. Believing this Wilson rushes at the clowns, only to be knocked unconscious by one of them. Pirandello fights off the rest of them and Wilson awakes from his sleep. Pirandello lies down on the ground and pretends to have been beaten in the fight. He tells Wilson that he took on all the clowns and survived. Wilson cant remember anything and after some boasting, Pirandello tells him that he is no Russian agent and that he lied to him to make him man up. However Pirandello does tell Wilson that he still did fight and win against the clowns. This gives Wilson the confidence boost he needs. Then as he is talking, the clown who knocked him out go to hit him again but this time Wilson punches the clown in the face and knocks him out. Pirandello cant believe what he just saw. Wilson punched out a top agent with one punch. They arrive at Pittsburgh that night. They stop off at a bar as Pirandello thinks they deserve a little fun before arriving in Washington D.C on Friday morning. Pirandello sees a god looking blonde woman with glasses and goes over to chat her up. While hes gone Wilson finds his seat at the bar taken by some redneck. Thinking he still has the power to knock a guy out, he foolishly confronts the man sitting in his seat. However this works in his favor as his eyes scare the men who take off. Pirandello tells Wilson that he has scored with the woman and that he is going back to her place to have sex. However for the first time, the joke is on Pirandello because the woman turns out of be a dominatrix who enjoys S&M. Pirandello doesnt like this one bit. Wilson outside, takes out a few shifty men while he is at it. Pirandello tells Wilson that he has fallen in love with the dominatrix. Pirandello says that he should get off the mission. Wilson tells him to get out of the car and that he has an important job to do. The roles are now reversed instead of Pirandello telling Wilson what to do, now its Wilson who is telling Pirandello what to do. While shopping Wilson finds a note in the windscreen. Its from Pirandello and he has chosen not to go through with the mission as his new love for the woman has now made him change his reckless life. Wilson drives to Washington D.C by Friday morning. He takes a gun from the glove box and walks up a hill. He is startled by a clown who he thinks is one of the clowns he encountered earlier. He pulls the gun on him but it turns out to be a clown at a kids party who proceeds to walk away back to the party. While walking in the forest Wilson hears a noise and drops all his bullets on the ground. As he is picking them up, he sees a foot stepping on a branch. He looks up to find Pirandello looking down at him. Wilson asks what he is doing there. Pirandello tells Wilson that he was worried about him and sorry for running off. He also tells him that Wilson should never hold his weapon in his left side of his pants just in case his right arm is shot off and that he must always carry a loaded weapon in case he is shot at by someone else. They both venture deep into the forest but are shot at by more rogue agents. A friendly agents tries to help them but is shot down before he can truly help them. Pirandello then shoots the branches of the trees causing the rogue agents to fall out of them and thud onto the ground. They then have to find a tree that gives the water they need for the glass. Pirandello finds the perfect tree. It has a cool water tap in it. Pirandello fills up the glass with the water from the tree and walks on with Wilson to the designated spot where they are rendezvousing with the aliens. Pirandello is shot in the arm by an unknown assailant which turns out to be Captain Cunard. He tells the two to throw their weapon on the ground. They do so unwillingly. Pirandello knew that Cunard was behind the operation the whole time. Cunard orders Wilson to go to the point and rendezvous with the aliens for the big gun. Wilson tells Cunard to pretty much go to hell as he will comply with Cunards order. Cunard warns him if he doesnt do what he is asked, he will kill Pirandello. Wilson calls a bluff and tells Cunard to shoot Pirandello. Pirandello is horrified by what Wilson has just said and tells Cunard that Wilson was kidding. Wilson says that Pirandello can take it and Pirandello says back because he is now in love that his reckless streak is over. Cunard says to Wilson that he thinks hes bluffing. Wilson snaps back that he doesnt care what Cunard thinks. So Cunard shoots Pirandello again in the arm. Wilson tells Cunard that if he kills Pirandello then he still wont get the big gun. Pirandello pleads with Wilson to stop the mind game with Cunard. Luckily the agent who came to help them earlier shoots Cunard just as Wilson shoots him with his hand gun. Cunard is shot in the chest and falls into a tree truck before sliding to the floor. Pirandello cant believe what he just saw. He thinks Wilson took out Cunard with his hand gun. Pirandello asks Wilson how he did that. Wilson tells him not to make a big deal out of it. Suddenly a big white light shines down on the spot for the meet. Pirandello tells Wilson to go and make the exchange. Wilson walks off towards the light but not before giving Pirandello a friendly pat on the arm, too bad it was the one he was shot in twice. He walks into the light with the glass of water in his hand. He is met by one of the aliens who smiles at him. The alien looks like a human being. Wilson tells the alien that it is amazing how they are just like the human race. The alien tells him that all life in the universe is like the human race. He asks Wilson does he want the good package or the big gun. Wilson decides on the good package instead of what he was ordered to get. The alien tell him that on behalf of the human race that was a wise choice to make. He hands him a white package and Wilson hands the alien the glass of water. The alien drinks the water while Wilson stares at him in awe. The alien says to Wilson that they got the baseball that he sent them (he is referring to the baseball that Pirandello hammered the pen into to convince Wilson about the mission) and that they are learning to play the actual game of baseball. He tells Wilson that they love the game and to think Pirandello for it. The alien give Wilson his very own pen and hands him Pirandello original pen too to give back to Pirandello. The alien tells Wilson thank you and the ship takes off leaving a bewildered Wilson looking up at the night sky. Wilson tells Pirandello that the encounter was amazing and Pirandello tells them you never forgot your first time you save the world and the thrill that comes with it. Upon arriving home in the presidential Limo, Wilson steps out a new man having just saved the world. He is greeted by his wife and kids and the house is completely rebuilt. He walks into the house and then into the living room and tells his wife that he has been thinking that they have been getting too much milk lately. The wife confesses that she cant stop the milkman to stop delivering to their house. She wasnt having an affair with the milkman after all. She then tells him that the milkman has been making a lot of sexual advances and suggestive remarks. Wilson tells her that he will take care of the situation. She begs him not to do anything violent and Wilson tells her that only a word or look is all it takes to right a wrong. He walks with his kids to Buddys house to get back his sons bike that they stole. Buddy tells Wilson that he has decided to pay for the bike after all. Wilson tells him that he hasnt come to pay for the bike but to take it back. Oaf gives him some abuse and Wilson beats up the thugs. He even hits Oaf with his own elbow exactly the way Oaf hit him earlier. Buddy finally decides to get his son the bike back and Wilson repeats what Buddy did to him earlier by stepping on his toe and sending him into the box of Styrofoam. He also says that Buddy will have to pay to get it re-sprayed the original colour. The kids are now proud of their Dad. Wilson asks Pirandello if he was a little too forceful. Pirandello tells him that he used the right amount of force and it was also well controlled. He tells Wilson that he has to go because he has a date. A rope ladder descends and Pirandello gets on it. It turns out his new girlfriend is flying a helicopter just above them. She smiles down at them in her glasses she was wearing in the bar when Pirandello picked her up. He says goodbye and is hoisted into the air still hanging onto the rope ladder. Pirandello shouts down that Wilsons house looks great from where he is standing. The sleazy milkman returns to Wilsons house to deliver yet more milk. He opens the gate only to be caught out by Wilson hiding behind it. He punches the milkman who falls to the ground. Wilson looks down at him and tells him to "try and be more sensitive".
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