Zed: Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart.
Captain Harris: Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking!
Zed: People just don't understand me.
Laura: Maybe if you talk slower...
Zed: No, I mean who I am. Man, now I gotta worry about my diction too?
Tackleberry: [Hands over gun to Mrs. Feldman] Now remember, that's a 44 Magnum and it's quite a...
[Mrs. Feldman shoots target and the blast catapults her to the lodge]
Mrs. Feldman: Damn, that was fun!
[Mahoney talking to Captain Harris, who just ripped his pants trying to get over a fence]
Mahoney: Did anyone tell you what a great tailor you have, Sir?
Proctor: I mentioned that, just last week.
Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry: You want to become one with the gun. Feel the gun, caress the gun until it's a living, breathing, vibrating extension of yourself.
Mahoney: I look for the same in a woman.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for Proctor?
Proctor: No sir what?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Collection Of Pissants.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: That's not funny Proctor.
Proctor: No sir.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, this is an alley.
Proctor: I know sir but these are the directions Mahoney gave me.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney?
Proctor: Yes he says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Well it damn sure better have!
[they go inside]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, I don't see a salad bar.
Proctor: [sees the name of the restaurant, "The Blue Oyster"] Look sir. Maybe they serve seafood.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Not funny you idiot!
Proctor: Gee, sir, I thought you could only get contempt of court for opening your mouth!
Zed: [singing along] It's getting to the point now when I'm with you, I no longer want to have something stuck in my eye... Your mother, my mother ain't never looked like Florence Henderson...
Captain Harris: [finding Zed and Laura by the pool] This is not a spawning pool!
Sgt. Moses Hightower: Yamma, yamma, yamma, yamma, yahhhhma. Fools! They think they can kill the brother of Medula!
Cadet Tommy 'House' Conklin: I never thought that.
Sgt. Moses Hightower: Oh, if I could reach into the belly of a yak and rip out its heart...
Kyle: That would bring him back to life?
Sgt. Moses Hightower: No, man. I'm hungry!
[Jones enters the cadets' room, making the sound of a creaking door]
Sgt. Larvell Jones: [Transylvanian accent] Good evening, gentlemen. I congratulate you on another good day. Sleep vell...
Cadet Tommy 'House' Conklin: Hey, Count, getting worried we're gonna be taking over soon? We're ready!
Sgt. Larvell Jones: You're improving, guys, but you're still way down on the food chain. As we vampires say, "lights out, suckers!"
[leaves, making a wolf howl]