Andrew: [Andrew hands Joanna her earrings after they've drank tequila shots below decks with the crew] You best not lose these again, madam.
Joanna: [perplexed] Again?
Andrew: You will forgive me, madam.
[clearly mocking her]
Andrew: "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between 64th and 68th street, find them."
Joanna: [geniunely contrite] I've behaved so badly. I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
[Andrew raises his eyebrows]
Joanna: You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you.
Joanna: I'm sorry.
Andrew: [embarrassed] Apology accepted, ma'am.
[he turns away and to the sink]
Joanna: [following him] Everyone thinks I'm crazy around here. Do you think they're right?
Andrew: [turning around to face her] Oh no, madam. Oh no. You... most of us go through life with blinders on, madam. Knowing only that one little station to which we were born. But now you, madam, on the other hand, had the... rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell. To see life from an entirely new perspective. How you choose to use that information, madam... is entirely up to you.
Annie: Mrs. Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment? Has it *escaped your attention* that these children have head to toe poison oak?
Adele Burbridge: Well no, I... well yes, but...
Annie: But WHAT? My children are in need of medical assistance! And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests? Tests which exist to pigeonhole childrens potential, a thing which cannot *possibly* be measured, least of all by anal compulsive HUNS! And my husband may be a "large child," but that's none of your business! And my children may be rotten, but they're MINE. And I think that they're bright, and sensitive, so I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence. I do however have *serious* doubts about YOURS.
Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God.
Dean Proffitt: But baby, we LIKE you.
Dean Proffitt: You know what your problem is? You are so goddamn bored, you have to *invent* things to bitch about! You don't have a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair! The closet was fine, you just needed something to fill up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!
[From the engine room, the crew, who have heard all of this, start cheering]
[after Joanna leaves her husband and Dean finds out all the money is hers]
Dean Proffitt: What could I possibly give you... ever... that you don't already have?
Joanna: A little girl.
Joanna: [on her yacht; she's about to call for caviar when Andrew brings it in] Well! I *almost* had to wait.
[she tastes it and makes a sick face]
Joanna: What is this gelatinous MUCK? Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples, must I specify that you are to pack *good* caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait? Caviar should be round, and hard, and of adequate size, and should burst in your mouth at *precisely* the right moment.
[Dean & Billy see Joanna's mugshot on TV]
Dean Proffitt: That's her
Billy Pratt: Who?
Dean Proffitt: THE BITCH!
Billy Pratt: [Seeing Grant leaving the hospital on TV] I can't believe he's skipping out on her
Dean Proffitt: Of course he's skipping out on her, it's his shot at freedom.
Billy Pratt: Maybe you should go down to the hospital and see if you can get some of your money back?
Dean Proffitt: Look, he's gone.
Billy Pratt: Not him, her.
Dean Proffitt: She doesn't even know who she is, you think she's gonna know who I am?
Dean Proffitt: [Dean turns around to walk away only to turn right back when he thinks of an idea]
Dean Proffitt: Billy, there is a God and he loves me!
Billy Pratt: You're not gonna shave your head, are you?
Dean Proffitt: No, i gotta go home and talk to my kids...
Billy Pratt: [interrupts] Dean, don't do this
Dean Proffitt: ...and I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army!
Billy Pratt: Dean, it's illegal... Dean you're crazy, you know that!
Annie: Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.
Dean Proffitt: Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,
Dean Proffitt: and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman.
Andrew: [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: No, I'm still tacky.
Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.
Annie: A falsetto child?
Dean Proffitt: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.
Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.
[Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]
Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey guys, look who's home
Greg Proffitt: Hi Mom!
Travis Proffitt: Hi Mom!
Charlie Proffitt: [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!
Greg Proffitt: Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!
Dean Proffitt: [Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]
Annie: They aren't mine...
Dean Proffitt: Oh I was sure you'd remember them!
Annie: I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...
Dean Proffitt: ...FOUR honey, don't forget little Joe!
[Joe sticks his head out the window and Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]
Grant Stayton: [brandishing a bow and arrow] Halt. You treasonous tramp. Conspiring with the enemy at sea is MUTINY.
[kicks Grant overboard]
Andrew: [to Grant] I am giving my notice, sir.
Grant Stayton: [to Annie] I suppose we're on our way back to the jungles of Oregon?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I want to go back, Grant.
Grant Stayton: To him.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Yes. I'm sorry.
Grant Stayton: You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!
[Joanna is about to jump off the yacht and swim to Dean]
Andrew: [grabs her hand] Oh no Madam. I cannot let you do this.
Andrew: Not without a life jacket.
Doctor at Hospital: [on TV] ... If any of you know the identity of this woman
[the amnesiac Joanna]
Doctor at Hospital: , please contact the hospital. I'll put up the reward myself... She's drivin' us crazy.
Dr. Norman Korman: Joanna, what motivated you to rise and get the serving tray?
Annie: I thought you might be hungry.
Dr. Norman Korman: That's excellent, excellent!
Grant Stayton: What's excellent about it?
Dr. Norman Korman: I was hungry.
Joey Proffitt: Are you gonna leave?
[the other boys stare]
Annie: No, I'm your mommy.
Joey Proffitt: Sometimes moms leave.
Annie: Well I suppose that's true, but I'm not going anywhere.
Joey Proffitt: Good.
[takes a necklace out of his overalls and hands it to her]
Annie: Ooh! Is this a present for me?
Joey Proffitt: Yes, I did it with macaroni.
Annie: I love this, I'll always wear it.
Edith Mintz: But darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.
Dean Proffitt: You jumped my bones the first night we met!
Annie: We did it on the first date?
Dean Proffitt: Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven
Annie: I'm a slut
Dean Proffitt: What did you say?
Joanna: Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR.
Dean Proffitt: [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I'm not a bitch. ANDREW. Are you going to bring me my lemon or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
Joanna: What's my name?
Dean Proffitt: Mrs. Annie Proffitt
Joanna: Well what's my maiden name?
Dean Proffitt: Annie Goolaheey
Joanna: ANNIE GOOLAHEY... Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch?
Dean Proffitt: No, not there honey over in Goober, Idaho but it's a nuclear waste dump
Coast Guard Spotter Lucas: It's a helluva day at sea, Sir!
[to Dr. Korman]
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Grant's having another nervous breakdown, he thinks he's God. Keep him busy.
Dean Proffitt: [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?
Annie: Travis found a girlfriend.
Joey Proffitt: Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!
Annie: [sarcastically] Very funny!
Dean Proffitt: Their making out their Christmas lists
Annie: Oh already?
Travis Proffitt: How do you spell Porsche?
Dean Proffitt: Well, they got me thinkin' though what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?
Annie: A little girl
Annie: Oh, and give my regards to Schwartzman and Heineken!
Billy Pratt: Annie, those are my underwear.
Billy Pratt: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.
Annie: But what about Gertie?
Billy Pratt: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.
Dean Proffitt: [comes up to them] What's going on?
Billy Pratt: I confess. The jig is up!
Dean Proffitt: The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
Billy Pratt: I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?
Annie: [smiles] No, no
Annie: I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!
Joey Proffitt: [watching Joanna ride away] YOU SAID MOMS DON'T LEAVE.
Dean Proffitt: [singing] Zippedy Doo-Dah. Zippedy Yay. My, oh my, I got a wonderful slave.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [aboard her yacht, Joanna is on the phone] ... I KNOW it will cost me, but it's the CUTEST little painting. I simply MUST have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction? $1,700,000.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Grant, I'm on the phone!
Grant Stayton: I can't hear you, Tea Rose! I'm shooting skeet!
[goes back to firing]
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [Grant has just arrived at the hospital; she doesn't know he's right outside, behind a one-way mirror] ... You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse...?
Grant Stayton: Can she see us?
Cop at Hospital: Not unless she's got x-ray vision or something.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: ...Well, what DO you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible.
Doctor at Hospital: You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia...
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: How TEMPORARY is it?
Doctor at Hospital: We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Listen to me, medical people. As of now, I have a life history of a DIRTY garbage scow and a breakfast of EXTREMELY RUNNY eggs-over-easy. Now I REFUSE to be INCARCERATED in this semiprivate room -
[turns to the only other patient in the room]
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: You SNORE! - while there are no efforts being made by anyone to try and locate...!
Cop at Hospital: [to Grant, still outside Joanna's room] ... Is that your wife, sir?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: ...I DEMAND you do something! Do you hear me...?
Grant Stayton: [to the Cop] ... No, I never saw her before in my life.
[He leaves; later, back on Joanna's yacht "Immaculata"]
Grant Stayton: ... Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!
Doctor at Hospital: Now, Miss X... we have a safer, more comfortable, private room... where you'll be a lot more comfortable, and we'll all be a lot safer.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses. I was prepared to sue you. I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.
Joanna: Thank you Dean! Thank you for bringing me here and making a wife, and a mother and WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
Travis Proffitt: [Dean knocks on the boys' clubhouse door] Who is it?
Dean Proffitt: Doctor Death, let's go!
Travis Proffitt: We're gonna go get her!
Dean Proffitt: Come on guys! Billy's friends are gonna help us!
Capt. Karl: What're you doing?
Annie: I'm turning the boat around.
Capt. Karl: Why?
Annie: I'm going home.
Capt. Karl: You're turning that wheel around too fast!
Grant Stayton: [Drunkenly listening to his voice echo into a large vase after Joanna's return] Tofuuuuuuuti... Tofuuuuti Klein!
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Try to understand,Grant, I don't love you anymore.
Grant Stayton: What's love got to do with marriage?
Dean Proffitt: The best thing the doctor is to do is to take a bath and...
Dean Proffitt: GUYS GET THE TURTLE OUT OF THE BATHTUB... and I will look for the pictures first thing in the morning.
Andrew: Champagne for everyone.
Joanna: Andrew, I'd like a beer.
Edith Mintz: A beer?
Joanna: [takes a swig from a bottle] Mmmmm, good stuff.
Dean Proffitt: I can't talk to you with you pulled away from me. Will you please get your head out of there and look at me?
Dean Proffitt: Why?
Annie: [turns over, covered in Calamie lotion] Because I'm so ugly, I got poison oak too.
Dean Proffitt: Nobody cares what you look like, normally you look really pretty, you just don't now.
Annie: [continue sobbing] I dont even have a wedding ring.
Dean Proffitt: What?
Annie: I lost my wedding ring in the sea.
Annie: Joey don't, don't get that near your eye. See it says right here on the bottle, 'don't get it near your eye'.
[Joey throws the bottle away and goes to bed]
Annie: What's going on here?
Greg Proffitt: He's upset because he can't read.
Annie: Well he's a small child.
Greg Proffitt: He can't read for a small child either.
Charlie Proffitt: The teacher makes fun of him.
Annie: I speak French! Do I know what I said? Yes I do. I must've learned in Paris. When was I in Paris? In the Navy.
Annie: You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.
Dean Proffitt: Yeah and they've got Calamie lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?
Annie: I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.
Dean Proffitt: I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.
Annie: Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can never get him out of the bathroom.
Dean Proffitt: Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.
Annie: They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.
Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.
Annie: They have enough pals, they need a father.
Grant Stayton: Can she see us?
Cop at Hospital: Not unless she's Superwoman
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [on the other side of the one way window] Listen to me, medical people!. As of now, I have a light history of a dirty garbage scow and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over easy. I refuse, REFUSE
[throws an object]
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: to be incercerated in this semi-private room while there are no efforts being made.
Cop at Hospital: Is that her?
Grant Stayton: No, I've never seen her before in my life!
Dean Proffitt: I can't believe you did that.
Annie: Oh! I saw you jump so I jumped...
Dean Proffitt: No I don't mean that. I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
Annie: I didn't.
Dean Proffitt: What? What do you mean?
Annie: Well the truth of the matter is it's all mine, the boat, the money, everything is all mine.
Annie: Dean! Dean, it's okay!
Dean Proffitt: This one's flat, give me another one Billy!
Billy Pratt: I only got six.
Dean Proffitt: Well, I guess we better send the ol' ball and chain out to buy us more.
[the officer at the hospital pulls out the photos and Joanna's panties from a parcel envelope]
Cop at Hospital: Nice panties! J.S., she didn't know what that meant?
Dean Proffitt: See she wouldn't, I bought them for her at a garage sale.
Cop at Hospital: Yeah, I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale once too.
Dean Proffitt: I'm sure you did.
Dr. Norman Korman: You're overwrought, Grant. I want you to take a Valium. Here, take one of mine.
Annie: [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?
Dean Proffitt: [thinking fast] Oh, cause your dad showed up shit faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we gotta throw him out.
Annie: Hey mister, what was I doing out in the ocean?
Dean Proffitt: That's something you like to do, go fishing for oysters at night
Annie: Oysters in a cold ocean at night, doesn't sound like me!
Joanna: You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.
Dean Proffitt: So were thumbs.
Joanna: What did you say?
Dean Proffitt: Nothing. It was... my stomach.
Joanna: Well try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.
Travis Proffitt: Are you sure this is gonna work?
Charlie: My ideas ALWAYS work. I'm gifted.
Travis Proffitt: I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
Joanna: Captain Karl?
Capt. Karl: Yes madam?
Joanna: We've never really had time to talk.
Capt. Karl: No, we haven't.
Joanna: Well, there's no time now.
Annie: You... and the closet.
Dean Proffitt: That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet.
Annie: Something's familiar.
Dean Proffitt: Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet.
Annie: Oh stop with the sex stories.
Adele Burbridge: Is anyone at your home?
Charlie Proffitt: Yeah, our mom is.
Adele Burbridge: [dumbfounded] You boys have a mother now?, your father re-married?
Travis Proffitt: Yeah, we got ourselves a new mom now
Adele Burbridge: Well good, then I'm calling BOTH YOUR PARENTS.
Joey Proffitt: [talking in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I'm itchy and i want to go home.
Adele Burbridge: You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy.
Billy Pratt: Back in the day he was known as Mean Dean Proffitt and me I was Bad Billy Pratt
Edith Mintz: [from her NYC penthouse] ... Joanna, why do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I'm surely just premenstrual.
Edith Mintz: Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days...
[to her maid, who's been feeding Edith's small dog]
Edith Mintz: ...Inga! You don't shove the food down Shitake's throat. You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?
Dean Proffitt: [Arriving home from his disastrous experience working for the Staytons, he finds Burbridge running out of his house. She is covered with toilet paper and being chased by his dogs] ... You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did, what happened to you?
Adele Burbridge: Monday is their first day of school and I came here to WELCOME your family! And WHAT do I get in return? I get TOILET-PAPERED by your children! They were about to douse the toilet paper in GASOLINE and strike - !
Dean Proffitt: Wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie are twins, right?...
Dean Proffitt: ... They're goin' through this arson period. They don't know this, but I'm way ahead of them. I got two fire extinguishers ready to go. I didn't catch your name?
Adele Burbridge: Adele Burbridge, principal of the Elk Cove School... Your children are MONSTERS!
Dean Proffitt: Oh, you won't think that when you get to know them.
Adele Burbridge: Where is Mrs. Proffitt while all of this is going on?
Dean Proffitt: She died three years ago
Adele Burbridge: Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision!
Dean Proffitt: Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.
Adele Burbridge: Fine, you can joke around about it all you want, but if you don't do something, I will notify the proper authorities.
Dean Proffitt: Hey I have had babysitters in here by the dozen, I'm low on cash, I'm new in town but if I have the chance I'll hire a housekeeper!
Adele Burbridge: I'll believe it when I see it, good day Mr. Proffitt!
Dean Proffitt: [yelling] ... I'M A GOOD FATHER!
Grant Stayton: [on Joanna's yacht, the "Immaculata"] ... Joanna, I want you tonight - How can you have your period EVERY WEEK?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [they're shown in bed together; Grant is glued to "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"] ... Must you watch that THING incessantly?
Grant Stayton: Yes, I must. It has a tawdry, escapist quality that sooths my nerves.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: What YOU have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine... Grant, I left my wedding ring on the deck.
Grant Stayton: Well, what can I do?
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Go and get it.
Grant Stayton: It's after midnight.
Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I don't care. I want it now.
Grant Stayton: Let me just see who's in the Top Ten Luxury Yachts. This is the Big League of the Seven Seas, the one purchase that separates mere millionaires from MULTI-millionaires.
[Disgusted, Joanna goes to get it herself]
Gertie: Hey Billy, who are you talking to?
Billy Pratt: Nobody!
Gertie: Hey is that Dean? Hey Dean! Whats going on? Why dont you come in?
Billy Pratt: Honey, go back to bed.
Gertie: HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE THAT! I'M GOING HOME!
Annie: Get up, go to the bathroom, do what you normally do.
Travis Proffitt: Will you squirt us with the hose again?
Annie: That's up to you.
Doctor at Hospital: Look, if it were up to us, we would be glad to give her to you, but she's right we are gonna need some verification.
Dr. Norman Korman: Joanna's memory is almost completely restored. Why, she even recalled the session where I wrote *this*:
[Plays piano and sings]
Dr. Norman Korman: 'I love you madly even though you treat me sadly... '
Dean Proffitt: What's going on here?
Charlie Proffitt: We're gonna get Mom back.
Joey Proffitt: We miss her.
Greg Proffitt: Yeah, she cut the crust off the bread.
Travis Proffitt: She doesn't take any of my shit either, I need discipline.
Greg Proffitt: We've got three dollars and four cents.
Charlie Proffitt: Yeah, we're gonna go rent a fishing boat and we're gonna get her back.
Dean Proffitt: Well no fishing boat's going to catch a yacht, especially at that price.
Greg Proffitt: Maybe she'll change her mind and come back.
Travis Proffitt: Oh right, doofus, she's on a yacht heading to New York!
Joey Proffitt: This is a job for Dr. Death!
Greg Proffitt: Yeah! Dr. Death could do it!
Travis Proffitt: We've got to do something, *right*, Dad?
Dean Proffitt: [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?
Greg Proffitt: [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!
Charlie Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!
Travis Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.
Dean Proffitt: Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.
Annie: [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.
Joey Proffitt: [Annie is near catatonic] She needs food!
[throws grapes at her, to his brothers]
Joey Proffitt: And this is fun!
Dean Proffitt: [finds Annie near catatonic] What's wrong with her?
Charlie Proffitt: She's been like that for an hour now!
Travis Proffitt: She's getting better though.
Dean Proffitt: Better?
Charlie Proffitt: Yeah she's not going
Dean Proffitt: Why'd she do that?
Travis Proffitt: She destroyed the scarecrow, Dad, she ripped that sucker's head off!
Joey Proffitt: [Pee Wee Herman voice] And now she just goes bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.
Dean Proffitt: [waves hand in front of her eyes] Hey, baby doll? What's for dinner?
Annie: [distantly] Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo.
Dean Proffitt: Alright, I got it from here. Get upstairs.
[picks Annie up]
Travis Proffitt: Dad, you think we should trade her in for a new one?
Dean Proffitt: Nah, she'll be alright.
[takes her out to the rain barrel and dunks her in]