Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that's too bad.
Ronny Cammareri: You're gonna marry my brother? Why you wanna sell your life short? Playing it safe is just about the most dangerous thing a woman like you could do. You waited for the right man the first time, why didn't you wait for the right man again?
Loretta Castorini: He didn't come!
Ronny Cammareri: I'm here!
Loretta Castorini: You're late!
[Loretta accepts to marry Ronny instead of Ronny's brother Johnny, her ex-fiancé, in front of her family. Loretta's grandfather, the Old Man, starts to cry]
Cosmo Castorini: What's the matter, Pop?
Old Man: [crying] I'm confused!
Johnny: In time you will see that this is the best thing.
Loretta Castorini: In time you'll drop dead and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress!
Rose: Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food and I'm gonna kick you 'til you're dead!
Old Man: [uncomfortable silence at kitchen table] Someone, tell a joke...
Ronny Cammareri: You ruined my life.
Loretta Castorini: That's impossible! It was ruined when I got here! *You* ruined *my* life!
Loretta Castorini: [after seeing La Boheme] That was so awful.
Ronny Cammareri: Awful?
Loretta Castorini: Beautiful... sad. She died!
Ronny Cammareri: Yes.
Loretta Castorini: I was surprised... You know, I didn't really think she was gonna die. I knew she was sick.
Ronny Cammareri: She had TB.
Loretta Castorini: I know! I mean, she was coughing her brains out, and still she had to keep singing!
Ronny Cammareri: Everything seems like nothing to me now, 'cause I want you in my bed. I don't care if I burn in hell. I don't care if you burn in hell. The past and the future is a joke to me now. I see that they're nothing. I see they ain't here. The only thing that's here is you - and me.
[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny Camareri]
Cosmo Castorini: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
[She looks at Cosmo]
Rose: When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.
Loretta Castorini: You ruined my life!
Ronny Cammareri: No, I didn't.
Loretta Castorini: Oh, yes, you did! Oh, yes, you did! Y'know, you got them bad eyes, like a gypsy, and I don't know why I didn't see it yesterday. Bad luck! That's what it is. Is that all I'm ever gonna have? I should have taken a rock and killed myself years ago!
Rose: I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else.
Cosmo Castorini: Thank you, Rose.
Rose Castorini: You... you got a love bite on your neck. He's coming back this morning, what's the matter with you? You're life's going down the toilet! Cover up that damn thing! Come on, put some make-up on it!
Old Crone: You have someone on that plane?
Loretta Castorini: Yeah, my fiancé.
Old Crone: [angry] I put a curse on that plane. My sister is on that plane. I put a curse on that plane that it's gonna explode, burn on fire and fall into the sea. Fifty years ago, she stole a man from me. S'aprese il mio uomo! Today she tells me that she never loved him, that she took him to be strong on me. Now she's going back to Sicily. Ritorna in Sicilia! I cursed her that the green Atlantic water should swallow her up!
Loretta Castorini: I don't believe in curses.
Old Crone: [shrugging] Eh, neither do I.
Ronny Cammareri: Chrissy, over on the wall, bring me the big knife. I want to cut my throat.
Rose: Have I been a good wife?
Cosmo Castorini: Yeah.
Rose: I want you to stop seeing her.
[Cosmo rises, slams the table once, and sits down again]
Cosmo Castorini: Okay.
Rose: [pauses] And go to confession.
Cosmo Castorini: A man understands one day that his life is built on nothing, and that's a bad, crazy day.
Rose: Your life is not built on nothing! Ti amo.
Old Man: La bella luna! The moon brings the woman to the man. Capice?
Ronny Cammareri: I ain't no freakin' monument to justice! I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?
Cosmo Castorini: I can't sleep any more. It's too much like death.
Loretta Castorini: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two months since my last confession.
Priest: What sins have you to confess?
Loretta Castorini: Twice I took the name of the Lord in vain, once I slept with the brother of my fiancee, and once I bounced a check at the liquor store, but that was really an accident.
Priest: Then it's not a sin. But... what was that second thing you said, Loretta?
Rose: Would anyone like some oatmeal?
Ronny Cammareri: Yes, Mrs. Castorini, I would LOVE some oatmeal.
Loretta Castorini: No, we don't want any oatmeal!
Rose: Nice to meet you.
[lifts back Ronny's collar]
Rose: . Got a love bite on your neck. Your mother's recovered from death.
Ronny Cammareri: Oh, great. We're not close, so I'm not really moved.
Rose: No, I think the house is empty. I can't invite you in because I'm married. Because I know who I am.
Ronny Cammareri: Aw, Johnny, you're 42 years old and she's still runnin' your life!
Perry: We could go to my apartment. You could see how the other half lives.
Rose: I'm too old for you.
Perry: I'm too old for me; that's my predicament.
Cosmo Castorini: You'll have your eyes opened for you, my friend.
Johnny: I have my eyes open.
Cosmo Castorini: Oh yeah? Well, stick around. Don't go on any long trips.
Johnny: I don't know what you mean.
Cosmo Castorini: I know you don't. That's the point. I'll say no more.
Johnny: You haven't said anything!
Cosmo Castorini: And that's all I'm saying.
Loretta Castorini: [after spending the night with Ronny] I'm gonna marry him.
Ronny Cammareri: What?
Loretta Castorini: Last night never happened, you hear me? I'm gonna marry him anyway and last night never happened, and you and I are gonna take this to our coffins!
Ronny Cammareri: I can't do that.
Ronny Cammareri: Son of a bitch!
[he lifts Loretta into his arms]
Loretta Castorini: Wait a minute! Where are you taking me?
Ronny Cammareri: To the bedroom.
Cosmo Castorini: There are three kinds of pipe. There's what you have, which is garbage - and you can see where that's gotten you. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.
Cosmo Castorini: It looks stupid. It's a pinky ring. It's a man's ring!
Loretta Castorini: It's temporary!
Cosmo Castorini: Everything is temporary! That don't excuse nothin'!
Rose: [about the hickey and the doorbell is ringing] Put some make up on!, Cover up the damn thing, your life is going down the toilet! Answer the damn door!
Perry: Pardon me folks. That was just a very attractive mental patient.
[Cosmo is trying to wake up his wife Rose]
Cosmo Castorini: Rose. Rose. Rose! Rose!
[She wakes up]
Rose: Who's dead?
Loretta Castorini: What am I going to tell him?
Cosmo Castorini: Tell him the truth. They find out anyway.
Loretta Castorini: I'm getting married.
Cosmo Castorini: Again?
Loretta Castorini: Yeah.
Cosmo Castorini: You did this once before, it didn't work out.
Loretta Castorini: The guy died!
Ronny Cammareri: I have a feeling this is going to be just delicious.
Chrissy: This is the most tormented man I have ever known. I'm in love with this man, but he doesn't know that, 'cause I never told him, 'cause he could never love anybody since he lost his hand and his girl.
Rose: Why do men chase women?
Johnny: Well, there's a Bible story... God... God took a rib from Adam and made Eve. Now maybe men chase women to get the rib back. When God took the rib, he left a big hole there, where there used to be something. And the women have that. Now maybe, just maybe, a man isn't complete as a man without a woman.
Rose: [frustrated] But why would a man need more than one woman?
Johnny: I don't know. Maybe because he fears death.
[Rose looks up, eyes wide, suspicions confirmed]
Rose: That's it! That's the reason!
Johnny: I don't know...
Rose: No! That's it! Thank you! Thank you for answering my question!
Ronny Cammareri: I looked the wrong way and I lost my hand. He could make you look the wrong way and you could lose your whole head!
[as Cosmo listens to "It Must Be Him" in the next room]
Rose: Now he's going to play that damn Vikki Carr record, and when he comes to bed he won't touch me.
Ronny Cammareri: This was painted by Marc Chagall. And, as you can see, he was a very great artist.
Loretta Castorini: It's kind of little gaudy, don't you think?
Ronny Cammareri: Well, he was havin' some fun.
Perry: Now, Patricia, please don't leave!
Patricia: So what do you think I am, some sort of talking dog?
Perry: I was just making a point about the way you said... the way you stated your aspirations.
Patricia: Yeah? Well you can kiss my aspirations, Professor!
Perry: Kiss my aspirations? Oh, very clever! Yeah, the heighth of cleverness! Waiter!
Ronny Cammareri: They say bread is life. And I bake bread, bread, *bread*. And I sweat and shovel this stinkin' dough in and out of this hot hole in the wall, and I should be *so* happy! Huh, sweetie?
Johnny: [Bobo shows up with the dessert cart] Would you like some dessert?
Loretta Castorini: [looks at the cart] You know I really shouldn't.
Johnny: Will you marry me?
Loretta Castorini: Bobo, take the cart away.
Bobo: Veddy good, miss.
Loretta Castorini: [on the phone with Johnny] Call me after you tell her... and uh, don't stand directly under the sun - you got a hat, use your hat.
Johnny: Ok, I got my hat, all right.