David: Michael wants to know what's going on. Marco, what's going on?
Marko: I don't know. What's going on, Paul?
Paul: Wait a minute. Who wants to know?
Dwayne: Michael wants to know.
David: How are those maggots?
Michael Emerson: Huh?
David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?
Edgar Frog: Listen, just so you know, if you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake you without even thinking twice about it!
Sam Emerson: Chill out, Edgar.
Edgar Frog: [coming to his senses] Right.
Grandpa: Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my rootbeers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me.
Sam Emerson: Wait, wait. You *have* a t.v.?
Grandpa: No. I just like to read the T.V. Guide. Read the T.V. Guide, you don't need a t.v.
Max: Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless.
Sam Emerson: Did you know that?
Edgar Frog: Of course. Everyone knows that.
Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach, all the damn vampires.
David: What, you don't like rice? Tell me Michael, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?
David: Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!
Sam Emerson: [about Star] It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?
[Star floats up]
Sam Emerson: She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike.
Alan Frog: [after Laddie vamps out] Holy shit! It's the attack of Eddie Munster!
Max: It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big, happy family. Your boys... and my boys.
Edgar Frog: Great! The Bloodsucking Brady Bunch!
Sam Emerson: So where're we going?
Michael Emerson: Nowhere.
Sam Emerson: So what's the rush? You're chasing that girl aren't you? Come on, admit it. I'm at the mercy of your sex glands, bud.
Sam Emerson: Got a problem, guys?
Edgar Frog: Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.
Sam Emerson: Pretty cool, huh?
Alan Frog: For a fashion victim.
Edgar Frog: Where the hell are you from? Krypton?
Edgar Frog: You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something, you don't know shit, buddy.
Alan Frog: Yeah? You think we just work at a comic book store for our folks, huh?
Sam Emerson: Actually, I thought it was a bakery.
Edgar Frog: This is just a cover; we're dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for truth, justice, and the American way.
Grandpa: Hey, anything around here that might pass for aftershave?
Sam Emerson: How about some Windex, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Yeah, yeah, let me try some of that.
Michael Emerson: You have a big date tonight, Grandpa?
Grandpa: I'm going to drop my handiwork by the widow Johnson.
Michael Emerson: What'd ya stuff for her? Mr. Johnson?
Sam Emerson: Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night Michael, just like out of a comic book! You're a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!
Edgar Frog: You did the right thing by calling us. Does your brother sleep a lot?
Sam Emerson: Yeah, all day.
Alan Frog: Does the sunlight freak him out?
Sam Emerson: Uh, he wears sunglasses in the house.
Edgar Frog: Bad breath, long fingernails?
Sam Emerson: Yeah, his fingernails are a little bit longer, um, he always had bad breath, though.
Alan Frog: He's a vampire all right.
Edgar Frog: All right, here's what you do: get yourself a good sharp stake and drive it right through his heart.
Sam Emerson: I can't do that; he's my brother.
Alan Frog: OK, we'll come over and do it for you.
Sam Emerson: No!
Edgar Frog: You'd better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy, or it's your funeral.
Sam Emerson: And then his dog started chasing my mom like the hounds of hell in "Vampires Everywhere."
Edgar Frog: We've been aware there's some very serious vampire activity in this town for some time.
Alan Frog: Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead.
Edgar Frog: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.
Alan Frog: Kill your brother, you'll feel better.
Alan Frog: Holy shit, Vampire Hotel.
Alan Frog: Aaaaaah! Flies!
Edgar Frog: We're on the right trail. Flies and the undead go together like bullets and guns. Come on.
Alan Frog: We blew it, man, we lost it!
Edgar Frog: Shut up!
Alan Frog: We unraveled in the face of the enemy!
Edgar Frog: It's not our fault, they pulled a mind scramble on us! They opened their eyes and talked!
Alan Frog: We don't ride with vampires.
Sam Emerson: Fine, stay here.
Edgar Frog: [Looks around, clearly scared] We do now.
Alan Frog: Yeah.
Edgar Frog: Come on Sam, let's get out of here. Burn rubber!
[the car accelerates, almost driving over a cliff]
Edgar Frog: Christ!
Sam Emerson: Burn rubber does not mean warp speed!
Edgar Frog: I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it's never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode, but all will try to take you with them.
Sam Emerson: Death by stereo!
Edgar Frog: Are you OK?
Sam Emerson: I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow.
Alan Frog: All right, Sambo!
Edgar Frog: We trashed the one that looks like Twisted Sister.
Alan Frog: Totally annihilated his night-stalking ass!
Edgar Frog: Well, Nanook helped a little.
Alan Frog: Death to all vampires!
Edgar Frog: Maximum body count!
Edgar Frog: We're awesome monster bashers!
Alan Frog: The meanest!
Edgar Frog: The baddest!
Alan Frog: Notice anything unusual about Santa Carla yet?
Sam Emerson: No, it's actually a pretty cool place... if you're a Martian!
Edgar Frog: Or, a vampire!
Sam Emerson: You guys sniffin' on newsprint or somethin'?
Michael Emerson: Looks like he's dead!
Sam Emerson: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
Sam Emerson: There's no TV! Have you seen a TV, Mike? I haven't seen a TV. Do you know what it means when there's no TV? - No MTV!
Sam Emerson: Are you freebasing, Michael? Inquiring minds want to know.
Grandpa: [the boys come in carrying Laddie and Star, who are sleeping. Grandpa is totally ignoring the unconscious Laddie in Edgar's arms, and Star in Michael's] Do you know the rule about filling up the car with gas when you take it without asking?
Michael Emerson: [Hoping he says nothing about Laddie and Star] No, Grandpa.
Grandpa: Well, now you do.
Alan Frog: There's our number on the back. And pray you never need to call us.
Sam Emerson: I'll pray I never need to call you.
Michael Emerson: Look, this isn't a comic book, Sam, these guys are brutal killers.
Sam Emerson: So are the Frog brothers!
Sam Emerson: Don't kill me, Mike. I'm basically a good kid.
Paul: You killed Marco!
Edgar Frog: Yeah, and you're next!
Paul: No, you're next!
[Paul sees garlic in the bathtub]
Paul: Haha! Garlic don't work, boys!
Edgar Frog: TRY THE HOLY WATER, DEATH BREATH!
Michael Emerson: [looking inside Grandpa's work-room] Talk about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Edgar Frog: [in background] I'm the head Frog here.
[Max changes into a vampire]
Max: I still want you, Lucy.
[he flashes his tongue out and Sam and Lucy scream while the rest gasp]
Max: I haven't changed my mind about that.
David: [offering Michael a drink of blood] Come on, be one of us.
David: Initiation's over, Michael. Time to join the club!
Max: [reaches for Lucy's hand while strangling Sam] Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight.
Sam Emerson: Mom! Mom, no! Don't do it, Mom! Mom, don't do it!
Lucy Emerson: Sam...
Sam Emerson: Mom, no!
[Lucy reluctantly decides to abandon her humanity by taking Max's hand]
Sam Emerson: Mom, no!
Lucy Emerson: Sam!
[Max attempts to bite her]
Dwayne: [standing up after almost getting hit by bow and arrow] You missed, sucker!
Sam Emerson: Only once, pal.
Grandpa: Ouch, my hair!
Sam Emerson: I bet you hate garlic, dontcha!
Max: No, I like garlic! It's just a little much! It's raw garlic.
Michael Emerson: What's happening to me, Star?
Star: Oh, Michael. Michael, I can't tell you. I don't know how to help you.
Michael Emerson: What's happening?
Star: [whispers] I can't.
Grandpa: Lucy, you're the only woman I ever knew that didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
David: They're only noodles Michael.
Grandpa: Well, now, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once, we'd have one hell of a population problem.
Michael Emerson: I can't beat your bike.
David: You don't have to beat me, Michael. You just have to try and keep up.
Dwayne: [In the cave, talking to Laddie] Grab the rock box, kid!
Michael Emerson: [Sam comes out of the bathroom, Michael's hand is cut up, and bloody] Nanook.
Sam Emerson: What about Nanook? What'd you do to my dog, you asshole?
Sam Emerson: You're a vampire! I knew it!
Michael Emerson: I am not!
Sam Emerson: So what are you? The Flying Nun?
Lucy Emerson: You got carried away by a comic book?
Sam Emerson: It was a scary comic, mom. I'm sorry.
Sam Emerson: [Sam gets in bed with her] Have you been eating pizza?
Sam Emerson: No. Why?
Lucy Emerson: Phew. You smell like garlic.
[Sam opens his robe, he is wearing a garlic necklace]
Alan Frog: Santa Carla's become a haven for the undead.
Edgar Frog: As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and werewolves occupy high positions at city hall.
Sam Emerson: [yelling out the window to Star] Don't kill anyone until we get back to you!
Michael Emerson: [the Frog Brothers are talking about killing Star] Don't you touch her!
Edgar Frog: [to Alan] Come on. Vampires have such a rotten temper.
Alan Frog: First come, first staked.
Sam Emerson: What was that? A little vampire humor? Well, it wasn't funny!
Edgar Frog: [the Frog Brothers walk in the room, carrying loads of stakes. To Sam] Okay, where's Nosferatu?
Sam Emerson: Who?
Edgar Frog: The prince of darkness.
Alan Frog: The night crawler. The bloodsucker.
Edgar Frog: El Vampiro.
Sam Emerson: Mike! They're here!
Star: [after Max is killed] It's over. It's over.
Laddie: [Runs down the stairs] Star! Star!
Edgar Frog: How much do you think we should charge them for this?
Sam Emerson: [bursts into the video store where his mom is working] Mom, listen, I gotta tell you something - it's real important. Shh! Santa Carla is crawling with vampires.
Lucy Emerson: [to customers] Um, excuse me...
Sam Emerson: Mom, I'm serious! Listen, Edgar staked one, it was screaming and fizzing. Look, Mom, there's evidence on my sweater.