Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?
Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.
Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.
Martin Riggs: Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked.
Roger Murtaugh: Guess what?
Martin Riggs: What?
Roger Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!
Martin Riggs: Hey, don't.
Roger Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both been fucked!
Martin Riggs: Terrific.
Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.
Martin Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.
Roger Murtaugh: Okay, clown, no bullshit! You wanna kill yourself?
Martin Riggs: Oh, for Chriss-...
Roger Murtaugh: Shut up! Yes or no - you wanna die?
Martin Riggs: Oh, I got the job done! What the hell do you want?
Roger Murtaugh: JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Martin Riggs: Well, what do you wanna hear, man? Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet? Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it? This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it? The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!
[after stopping Riggs from shooting himself]
Roger Murtaugh: You're not trying to draw a psycho pension! You really are crazy!
[Picking up a young prostitute]
Young prostitute: What have you got in mind?
Martin Riggs: Well, I want you to come home and watch television with me.
Young prostitute: You serious?
Martin Riggs: Yeah. "The 3 Stooges" are on in 20 minutes.
Drug Dealer #3: [Riggs is in a Christmas tree lot, and pretends to sample some coke for a buy] Good, huh? Tasty? Smooth?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, that's good...
Drug Dealer #1: [walking up with a beer] Here ya go, pal...
Martin Riggs: Thanks. Okay, so let's do it. How much?
Drug Dealer #3: How much for how much?
Martin Riggs: For all of it.
Drug Dealer #3: You want it all. He wants it all.
Drug Dealer #1: He wants it all, beautiful. Congratulations!
Drug Dealer #3: All right!
Martin Riggs: Maybe a nice six footer to put it under, huh?
Drug Dealer #2: You want a tree? I'll tell you what. I'll give you the best tree I got on the lot, for nothin'. But the shit's gonna cost ya... a hundred.
Martin Riggs: What, that much?
Drug Dealer #3: Hey, you said you liked it, that's a fair price.
Martin Riggs: Yeah... yeah! Hell, you only live once... get this together here...
[takes out his wallet, starts counting out a hundred dollars]
Martin Riggs: Twenty, forty, sixty, seventy...
Drug Dealer #1: Hey, what the fuck...
Drug Dealer #2: Hey, man... Hey!
Martin Riggs: C'mon, shut up man, I'm losin' count... Ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety...
Drug Dealer #2: Forget it, you dumbshit. One hundred THOUSAND. One hundred THOUSAND, DOLLARS!
Martin Riggs: A hundred thousand?
Martin Riggs: I'm sorry, I can't afford that, not on my salary. But I'll tell ya what, I got a better idea, here. Let me say I take the whole stash of your hands for free, and you assholes can go to jail.
[takes out his badge and puts it on the table in front of them]
Martin Riggs: What do you say about that? Now I could read you guys your rights, but ah, you guys already know what your rights are, don't you?
Drug Dealer #2: [drug dealers stare, then start to laugh] This badge ain't real. YOU ain't real.
Drug Dealer #1: No, but you sure are a crazy son of a bitch!
Martin Riggs: [They all laugh] You think I'm crazy? You call me crazy, you think I'm crazy? You wanna see crazy?
[Riggs starts slapping him self on the head, Stooges style, then pokes their eyes and slaps them, and pulls out his gun]
Martin Riggs: . Now that's a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real fucking gun!
Drug Dealer #2: [menacing] Okay, pal...
Martin Riggs: Hey, noses in the dirt, asshole...
[And the guns start blazin']
Martin Riggs: The guy who shot me! The same albino jackrabbit son of a bitch who did Hunsacker.
Roger Murtaugh: You sure?
Martin Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an asshole.
Roger Murtaugh: [discussing a theory] That's pretty fucking thin.
Martin Riggs: That's very thin.
Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin's my middle name.
Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
[fires his gun several more times]
Roger Murtaugh: What? What?
Martin Riggs: Nothin'.
Roger Murtaugh: Remarks like that will not get you invited to Christmas dinner.
Martin Riggs: My luck's changing for the better every day.
Martin Riggs: I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get, all by themselves.
[Riggs is captured by General McAlister]
Martin Riggs: You're General Peter McAlister, Commander of Shadow Company.
McAlister: I see we've heard of each other.
Martin Riggs: Yep. It'll almost be a shame when I nail you.
Sergeant McCaskey: You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't tough. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and shit like that. I think I'm an '80s man...
Roger Murtaugh: How do you figure?
Sergeant McCaskey: Last night I cried in bed. So how is that?
Roger Murtaugh: Were you with a woman?
Sergeant McCaskey: I was alone. Why do you think I cried?
Roger Murtaugh: Sounds like an '80s man to me...
[Repeated line in all 4 movies]
Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit!
Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this...
Martin Riggs: Maybe there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department.
[When Joshua is panting on the lawn after the title-fight]
Roger Murtaugh: Get that shit off my lawn!
Martin Riggs: You know you're not the first guy to thinnk of this you know. A lot people have got problems especially during the silly season like now.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You know shit.
Martin Riggs: No, you're wrong, pal, you're wrong.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You don't know nothing. Don't touch me!
Martin Riggs: Take it easy.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Look, I didn't don any thing wrong.
Martin Riggs: I know that. It's not like your murdering anyone or anything.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: That's right.
Martin Riggs: That's right.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: The only one I hurt was me. Me!
Martin Riggs: Same way I feel. I know you're hurting. I get it. OK now, come on.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Don't come near me!
Martin Riggs: Come on. Give me a break, will ya guy. My boss is down there and he's watching us and I gotta make it look like I'm at least trying to save you. Come on. Im just gonna stand here and talk to you. That's all.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You won't try nothing.
Martin Riggs: No. I'm square with you. I won't try a thing. I won't try a thing.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Really.
Martin Riggs: What, do you think I want to fall off? I promise, I'll just talk to you.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: [easing] OK. Alright.
Martin Riggs: [showing him a cigarette] Here, do you want a cigarette. Come on, lets smoke, OK.
Martin Riggs: Go on, take it yeah. If we take our time we will both die of cancer.
[lights his own cigarette]
Martin Riggs: Here.
[shows him the lighter but tricks him and cuffs the two of them together]
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: Hey, what are you doing.
Martin Riggs: See this key? Bye-bye.
McCleary, Attempted Suicide Jumper: You're crazy!
Martin Riggs: Now you can jump if you want to, but you'll be taking me with you and that makes you a muderer.
Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Martin Riggs: Well, I haven't killed you yet.
Martin Riggs: You don't trust me at all, do you?
Roger Murtaugh: Well, I'll tell you what. You make it through tomorrow without killing anybody, especially me, or yourself, then I'll start trusting you.
Martin Riggs: Fair enough.
Martin Riggs: I do it real good, you know.
Roger Murtaugh: Do what?
Martin Riggs: When I was 19, I did a guy in Laos from a thousand yards out. It was a rifle shot in high wind. Maybe eight or even ten guys in the world could have made that shot. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Well, see ya tomorrow.
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, see you.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs! You really like my wife's cooking?
Martin Riggs: [fixing him] No. See you tomorrow.
Roger Murtaugh: See how easy that was? Boom, still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn't shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.
Martin Riggs: Hey, that's no fair. The building guy lived.
Martin Riggs: You know they're going to kill her, don't you?
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah.
Martin Riggs: So if you want her back, you're going to have to take her away from them.
Roger Murtaugh: I know.
Martin Riggs: You do this my way. You shoot, you shoot to kill, get as many of them as you can. All you got to do is just not miss.
Roger Murtaugh: I won't miss.
Martin Riggs: We're going to get bloody on this one, Rog.
Roger Murtaugh: Are you really crazy? Or are you as good as you say you are?
Martin Riggs: You're just gonna have to trust me.
Mr. Joshua: [Riggs is tied up and struggling] Why don't you save your strength? You're gonna need it.
Martin Riggs: Who's the chin?
Mr. Joshua: Endo, meet Mr. Martin Riggs. Endo here has forgotten more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know.
Martin Riggs: Terrific.
Mr. Joshua: See, Martin, we have a problem. Since we have Murtaugh, we don't really need you. But I believe in being thorough.
Martin Riggs: Yeah, I've heard that about you.
Mr. Joshua: Yeah. Well, our problem, and yours too, is we have a shipment of merchandise to deliver.
Martin Riggs: Why don't you guys just call it heroin?
Mr. Joshua: It's rather large, this shipment. It would be unfortunate, however, if we showed up to deliver our HEROIN, and were surrounded by fifty cops.
Martin Riggs: That would be too bad.
Mr. Joshua: Yes it would be. So, it's essential for us to find out all the cops know.
Martin Riggs: Hey, we don't know shit. You- you did Hunsaker before he could say...
Mr. Joshua: No, no! I wish I could believe you. But unfortunately, I don't... Now if you would kindly tell me everything you know, I promise I'll kill you quick.
Martin Riggs: I've told you everything I know.
Mr. Joshua: Endo...
[gestures to Endo to 'start the pain']
Martin Riggs: Wha- what the hell is that?
Mr. Joshua: I'll tell you what it is. It's called electric shock treatment.
Martin Riggs: Well, I guess we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit.
Mr. Joshua: We'll see. Endo...
Beat Cop: Had a jumper here last night, Dixie was walking by, saw the whole thing.
Roger Murtaugh: You got a statement from her, send her home.
Dixie: Oh, thanks, I'm beat. You know how it is...
Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, yeah, sure. All dressed up and no one to blow.
Dixie: You're hilarious. God, I don't believe this...
[after rescuing Roger and Rianne]
Martin Riggs: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let's get the flock out of here!
Martin Riggs: How about it, Jack? Would you like a shot at the title?
Mr. Joshua: Don't mind if I do.
Martin Riggs: What did he mean when he said you owed him?
Roger Murtaugh: We served together in '65. Ia Drang Valley. Saved my life. Took a bayonet in the lungs.
Martin Riggs: That was nice of him.
Mr. Joshua: General, Mr. Mendez is here.
McAllister: [turns around to greet Mendez] Ah, Mr. Mendez. How are you?
Mendez: Hey, I'm fine.
[motioning to Mr. Joshua]
Mendez: Where the hell did you get him? Psychos 'R Us?
McAllister: I don't think you're funny.
Mendez: I don't think this whole goddamn setup's funny. You're using mercenaries, for chrissake, tell me I'm wrong.
McAllister: No. You're not wrong.
Mendez: And you expect me to trust these fuckin' bozos?
McAllister: My people are loyal, Mr. Mendez. They are loyal to me.
Mendez: Ohhh, bullshit...
McAllister: Do you smoke?
Mendez: What the hell does that got to do with anything, do I smoke...
McAllister: Do you smoke?
McAllister: Give me your lighter.
Mendez: My... my lighter?
McAllister: Your lighter!
Mendez: Yeah, okay right here... here, take it...
[thugs grab his arm, General McAllister grabs Mendez's hand, still holding the lighter]
Mendez: Hey, man, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Aw, Jesus...
McAllister: Shut your mouth! Shut up! And don't move.
[flicks the lighter on]
McAllister: Mr. Joshua, your left arm, please...
[Mr. Joshua bares his arm, and allows the lighter to be held under his forearm, which starts to burn]
Mendez: Hey, you guys are fuckin' gone... you know what I'm sayin'?... Aw, Jesus Christ!
[looks disgusted, as Joshua's arm continues to be burnt]
Mendez: You guys are fuckin' crazy, man. Come on!
McAllister: [clicking the lighter off] Have Endo look at that, Mr. Joshua.
Mr. Joshua: Yes, sir.
[gives Mendez a look, and walks off]
McAllister: [to Mendez] You wish to do business with us, yes? You wish to make a purchase, yes?
Mendez: Yes, yes, Jesus Christ, yes... Ya know, you guys are out there like fuckin' Pluto, man. You're gone!
McAllister: The bulk of the heroin will be here Friday night, we'll make delivery at that time. Have the money ready, and no tricks. If you try anything... you'll have to talk to Mr. Joshua. Merry Christmas.
Police Officer: [cops drive up after the drug dealer shoot-out] Whaddaya got, Riggs?
Martin Riggs: There's three down, and one loose in here, he's got black hair and a red shirt...
Police Officer: Okay, let's go! I'm coverin' the left side...
[Riggs weaves around through Christmas trees, and the 3rd dealer jumps him]
Drug Dealer #3: Freeze! Freeze! Gimme the gun!
[to Riggs, holding a gun to his head]
Drug Dealer #3: How's it feel, sucker?
Martin Riggs: Hey... shoot 'im!
Police Officer: Drop it, prick!
Martin Riggs: Hey, shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot him! Will somebody shoot this prick? Shoot 'im! Shoot 'im!
Drug Dealer #3: Shut the fuck up!
Policewoman: [drawing a bead on the dealer] Freeze!
Martin Riggs: Shoot him! Shoot him! Somebody shoot this prick? Shoot 'im! Shoot 'im!
Martin Riggs: [to drug dealer] Shoot me! Shoot me! Shoot me! Ohhh...
[in frustration, Riggs head-butts him, grabs the gun away from him, and holds it to the dealer's throat]
Mr. Joshua: [stealing a woman's car] Mind if I test drive your Audi?
Roger Murtaugh: General McAlister. Time for you to die.
[aiming his gun at Mcalister's oncoming car]
Roger Murtaugh: No way you live. No way.
Martin Riggs: [Riggs and Murtaugh go to a bust at a "rich house"] Think I saw this house on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless...
Martin Riggs: [holding his wife's wedding photograph, crying, after deciding not to kill himself] See you later, babe.
[Endo shocks Riggs with a device]
Mr. Joshua: Hit him again!
Martin Riggs: [Endo does]
[Martin groans as his body shakes violently]
Mr. Joshua: [soft but enthused] Hit him again.
Martin Riggs: [Endo hits him again for longer]
Mr. Joshua: C'mon, tell me about the shipment!
Martin Riggs: [yells and spouts giberrish, then spits at Endo, tries to reach Joshua] I swear I'm gonna fucking kill the both of you.
Mr. Joshua: Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what about the *shipment*?
Culprit: [punches Murtaugh in the mouth] The shipment, Mr. Murtaugh.
Roger Murtaugh: [blood and sweat dripping] Go spit.
Roger Murtaugh: I was driving before you were a itch in your daddy's pants!
Martin Riggs: Maybe we'll stay alive long enough for me to buy you a present.
Roger Murtaugh: What do you do, sleep with that thing under your pillow?
Martin Riggs: I would if I slept.
[Riggs and Murtaugh pull up outside Dixie's house to check out a theory]
Roger Murtaugh: Like I said, thin.
Martin Riggs: Probably nothing.
[the house explodes, knocking them both to the ground. Murtaugh throws himself on Riggs]
Martin Riggs: What are you, a fag?
Roger Murtaugh: Your coat's on fire!
[Riggs throws it off, then both of them look at the burning house]
Martin Riggs: Probably nothing!
Roger Murtaugh: Thin, very thin!
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs, you really like my wife's cookin'?
Martin Riggs: [after an especially long pause] Nope, I'll see you tomorrow.
[Riggs is having doubts]
Roger Murtaugh: Why is there a problem?
Martin Riggs: There's no problem.
Roger Murtaugh: We got one dead girl and one dead guy. The dead guy kills the dead girl, we kill the dead guy 'cause he wanted us to be dead guys - it's pretty easy to me.
Roger Murtaugh: Listen, sorry about all that shit I was in your face about earlier... you saved my life. Thank you.
Martin Riggs: Oh, I'll bet that hurt to say.
Roger Murtaugh: [chuckles] You'll never know.
Roger Murtaugh: Hey, Riggs.
Martin Riggs: Yo!
Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, if you think I'm gonna eat the world's lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you're crazy.
Martin Riggs: Well, I got news for you, Rog: I'm not crazy.
Roger Murtaugh: I know.
Martin Riggs: Well, good. Let's eat.
Martin Riggs: Hey, you know what?
Roger Murtaugh: What?
Martin Riggs: Well, I think your daughter kinda likes me.
Roger Murtaugh: If you touch her, I'll kill you.
Martin Riggs: Ha! You'll try.
Roger Murtaugh: [about Rianne's date] The one with the pits in his face?
Rianne Murtaugh: Those are dimples!
Roger Murtaugh: Those are pits. When he smiles, I can see through his head.
Martin Riggs: Do you really wanna jump? Do you wanna? Well, that's fine with me. Come on, I wanna do it, I wanna do it.
[Joshua blasts his way into Murtaugh's house and finds it empty. In the living room, 1951's "Scrooge" is playing on the television]
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Tell me, what day is it?
Mrs. Dilber: What day?
Mr. Joshua: [shoots the television] Goddamn Christmas!
Roger Murtaugh: 50 years old, what a birthday, goddamn 50 years old, been on the force 20 years, not a scratch on me, not a scar, got a wife, kids, a house, a fishing boat, but I can kiss all that goodbye because my new partner has a death wish, my fucking life is over
Martin Riggs: [looks at Roger] I was...
Roger Murtaugh: Just shut up you hear, why are you talking to me anyway, I'm a dead man, yeah fuck it, you're looking a dead man here
[oncoming traffic honks at them and swerve to get out of the way]
Martin Riggs: [points at oncoming traffic] watch, watch, WATCH...
Roger Murtaugh: Don't worry, I was driving before you were itching in your daddy's pants