Dr. Greenbush: Nice wedding. You know, Jack, next week, I'd like you to swing by the office. I have some new tests I'd like to run on you...
Wendy: Jack, I think we should try dating. Maybe not exclusively at first, at least for me, but...
Mr. Wormwood: Jack, since you're not going on the cruise, I sure could use you at the store on Monday
Jack Putter: [realization dawns on him] That was the Cowboy.
Lydia's Editor: Who's the Cowboy?
Dr. Niles: It's um... classified.
Jack Putter: [stops and turns around - to Doctor Greenbush] Doc, I'm cured!
Jack Putter: [to Wendy] Wendy, not a chance!
Jack Putter: [to Mr. Wormwood] And Mr. Wormwood, thank you! And I quit.
[runs and jumps into Tuck's car]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: We're gonna drink this one to Ozzie. A good man who tried to save my ass by injecting me into yours.
[Jack hears Tuck talking to him in the doctor's office]
Jack Putter: Did you hear that?
Waiting Room Patient: Hear what?
Jack Putter: You didn't hear that then?
Waiting Room Patient: Noooo, I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything. Are you feeling all right?
Jack Putter: Would I *BE* in a *DOCTOR'S OFFICE* if I *WAS* feeling all right?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [instructing him to get his jacket/car keys out of his locker] See that door?
Jack Putter: Yeah.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Use it.
[Jack turns away from it]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Well what are you waiting for?
Jack Putter: Look, don't rush me, okay? Just... just be quiet for a second, let me think this through.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, excuse me, but I want you to factor this into your thinking, alright? You heard the man! My air supply's running out! If you don't help me, you're going to wind up with this miniaturized submersible pod floating around your insides with this teeny tiny human skeleton at the helm.
Jack Putter: [very disgusted] ... ugh.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Not a pretty thought!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I'm right here, INSIDE you INSIDE YOUR BODY!
Jack Putter: [stands up] Oh God! Somebody help me! I'M POSSESSED!
Dr. Greenbush: Uh, good news Jack! I think we can rule out demonic possession right off the bat.
Jack Putter: But, the little voice from inside was talking to me.
Dr. Greenbush: See, that proves it: demons talk THROUGH you - not TO you.
Jack Putter: [Regarding the "theistic hysteria" Jack seems to be suffering from] H-how do you treat that?
Dr. Greenbush: Well the medieval remedy was to flay the skin off your body with brands of fire. I have no idea what the current technique is.
The Cowboy: Women love me. But you know that.
[Into a mirror]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: The Tuck Pendleton machine: zero defects.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: When things are at their darkest, pal, it's a brave man that can kick back and party.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [Getting nauseated by the sight of Igoe's skeleton] Jack... it worked. You just digested the bad guy.
Mr. Wormwood: You've got a great future in front of you in Retail Food marketing, and I just hate to see you throw it all away by going psycho on us.
Victor Scrimshaw: In lieu of champagne, how about some real pain? Propane?
Victor Scrimshaw: Nuclear weapons, Jack. They mean nothing. Everybody's got 'em, nobody has the balls to use 'em. Am I right?
[Jack shrugs, then tries to say something]
Victor Scrimshaw: Space, you say? Space is a flop. Didn't you know that?
[Jack shakes his head]
Victor Scrimshaw: An endless junkyard of orbiting debris. Ah, but! - miniaturization, Jack. That's the ticket. That's the edge everybody's been looking for. Who will have that edge Jack? What country... will control miniaturization?
[takes a puff of his cigar]
Victor Scrimshaw: Frankly, I don't give a shit. I'm only in this for the money. And that's why, Jack, we've got to get that little pod out
[prods Jack's side]
Victor Scrimshaw: from inside of you!
[laughs maniacally around his cigar]
[Scrimshaw, shrunk down to half his normal size, is grappling with Jack inside a speeding car]
Victor Scrimshaw: You insignificant little pipsqueak, I'm in charge here!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [after Tuck shorted out the TV in Jack's apartment to get his attention, setting it on fire] Oh, Jack.
[Jack jumps at the sound of his voice, accidentally setting off the fire extinguisher in his hands]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: You do see that I am real. You do believe me now, don't you? Huh?
Jack Putter: [weary] I... I don't know what to believe.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Believe it, Jack. Believe it because it's true. Now I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen good. Because we're in this together. And we've gotta' help each other out. Alright?
Jack Putter: Yes.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Right. You don't work at the lab, do you?
Jack Putter: Lab? No, I work at Safeway.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: And you don't know anything about the experiment?
Jack Putter: What experiment?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [to himself] Oh, God. The miniaturisation experiment.
Jack Putter: No.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Alright. Jack, my name is Lt. Tuck Pendleton. I've been miniaturised. I was supposed to be injected into the body of a laboratory rabbit and somehow I got inside you instead.
Jack Putter: What do you mean somehow? How?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: All I know is I was inside a syringe, and now I'm inside you.
Jack Putter: [to himself, thinking back to his encounter with Ozzie at the mall] Syringe.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Of course, the most fun I've ever had is tryin' to land a crippled F-14 with a stubborn nose gear on the deck of a rolling flat-top in zero visibility...
Rusty: And give that 'crippled Tomcat' story a rest. We've all heard it!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Oh, gosh, Rusty, you're right. 'Course, when MY moment of glory came, I didn't take a dump down the leg of MY flight suit!
[reading from computer, how to enlarge a person]
Jack Putter: Eat me, drink me? What is that? From The Exorcist? No, Alice in Wonderland! Alice she drank something to be big and ate something to be small.
Jack Putter: We've got the chip!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: All right!
Jack Putter: We're on the way to the lab!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: All right!
Jack Putter: But I think they put someone in there with you!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: All... what?
[Margaret prepares to inject a miniaturized Igoe into Jack]
Victor Scrimshaw: Now, wait a minute. What happens once Igoe's taken control of their pod?
Dr. Margaret Canker: Mr. Igoe will pilot the pod out through a tear duct or a sweat gland.
Victor Scrimshaw: Why chance that? Once he's gotten control of the pod and takes the chip, let's re-enlarge.
Dr. Margaret Canker: While it's still inside Mr. Putter?
Victor Scrimshaw: Why not?
Dr. Margaret Canker: Have you any idea what kind of mess that would make?
Man in Restroom: [Jack is talking while urinating in a urinal] Play with it, pal. Don't talk to it.
Stewardess: [seeing the cowboy lighting up his cigar] I'm sorry sir, but you're gonna have to extinguish that cigar.
The Cowboy: [extinguishes his cigar in his hand and sniffs his hand] Mmmmmm. There's nothing like a good cigar. Eh? Partner?
[puts his cigar in the man's suit pocket]
Dream Lady: Listen sweetie, I don't carry that kind of cash around with me.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [while fighting Mr. Igoe]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Make a pull on this Pal!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [about to dump Mr. Igoe into Jack's stomach] Ok pal. Here's how I spell relief.
Victor Scrimshaw: [trapped in the miniaturizer with Canker] We're in here!
Cop: Who's in there?
Dr. Margaret Canker: The green button!
Scrimshaw's Henchman: Dr. Canker?
Victor Scrimshaw: [to the henchman] Press the green button, you fool!
Dr. Margaret Canker: He'll never find it!
Victor Scrimshaw: The man's a high school graduate! The green button, you fool!
[Jack and Lydia encounter a henchman in the stairwell; Lydia aims a gun at him]
Scrimshaw's Henchman: Hold it!
Lydia Maxwell: You hold it!
Scrimshaw's Henchman: I bet it ain't even loaded!
Lydia Maxwell: Oh yeah?
[she aims the gun at the ceiling and fires; it clicks emptily]
Jack Putter: What exactly are we doing here?
Lydia Maxwell: We're waiting for someone.
Jack Putter: oh, who are we we waiting for?
Lydia Maxwell: The Cowboy. I've been tracking his movements for months and he got to the airport about an hour ago and he always stays here.
[points to the hotel]
Lydia Maxwell: I have a feeling he's gonna lead us right to that chip we need.
Jack Putter: Why do you think that?
[looking at her legs]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: [noticing Jack is ogling Lydia] Hey, knock it off!
Lydia Maxwell: 'Cause he's a fence. He deals in stolen technology, Western technology almost exclusively, which he then sells overseas to the highest bidder. Who do you think introduced Velcro to the Persian Gulf?
Jack Putter: Really?
Lydia Maxwell: [nodding] Mm hmm.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: It was the night we first met. You were doing that article about me... we had dinner and talked until 3:00 a.m. I got drunk and threw up, and fell down a manhole walking you home.
[Lydia herds Scrimshaw and his thugs into the miniaturizer at gunpoint, while Jack is fiddling with the control panel]
Dr. Margaret Canker: Don't worry, they won't know how to close it.
[the door closes over them]
Victor Scrimshaw: Certainly not. I'll get you for this, Margaret.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I read the note. It's your standard farewell address. I know it by heart.
Lydia Maxwell: Excuse me.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Lydia. Look, don't leave. You know you love me, huh? Look, I know you're crazy about me. I mean, in a week or two I'm going to call you, you're going to call me, and we're going to be back together again.
Lydia Maxwell: No, we won't.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I don't get it. I get a little drunk, I make an ass out of myself... What's the big deal?
Lydia Maxwell: Things are different now, Tuck. It just hurts me too much to be with you.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Hey, Jack, Jack! Go to the mirror in the bedroom, will ya?
Jack Putter: Why?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I just realized I don't know what the hell you look like.
Jack Putter: Sure.
[He gets up tipsily and hiccups]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Are you drunk?
Jack Putter: No, no, I just got up a little too fast, that's all.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Sure.
[Jack face-plants into the mirror]
Jack Putter: How's this?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Little too close, Jack.
Jack Putter: [leans back] Too close, how's this?
[Tuck gets a good look at Jack's face]
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: You know what? We're gonna need a lot more help.
Dr. Niles: [on Pendleton] He had the right qualifications.
Pete Blanchard: Such as?
Dr. Niles: He was the only one crazy enough to do it.
Pete Blanchard: Let me tell you about Pendleton: he could have been one of the best, but he hates authority, can't take orders, and likes to make up his own rules.