The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
Captain Manzini: [handing Dodger something to replace his dirty clothes] Here, try this on.
Dodger: A dress?
Captain Manzini: Only to western eyes. This is a dashiki, given to me by the great African leader Um-Tuh-Tuh, in gratitude for making his mother-in-law disappear.
Dodger: You were in Africa?
Captain Manzini: Actually, I was on my way back from Egypt. I was doing a split week, Cleveland and Cairo. But that's a long story.
Valerie Vomit: [Valerie Vomit, finds her hamburger wrapper empty] Ali, you ate my burger!
Ali Gator: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Valerie Vomit: I can't, you ate the evidence.
Captain Manzini: Did you get the blood of a toad and the eye of a newt?
Dodger: Nope. The pet shop's out of unicorns, too.
Captain Manzini: No wonder there's no magic in the world today. You can't get the ingredients.
Ali Gator: [looking at stuffed alligator, gasps] My God! It's Cousin Charlie!
Dodger: [starting work unloading a crate] Do you sell much of this stuff? We've only had two customers and they didn't buy anything.
Captain Manzini: Patience is a bitter vine, dear Dodger, but it bears sweet fruit.
Captain Manzini: That's from the Greek. It loses a little something in translation. Now, let's add a little sparkle to our merchandise.
[hands Dodger a feather duster]
Captain Manzini: Funny people should call this junk, isn't it? When every piece is a diary of the human spirit.
[holds book, looks at inside cover]
Captain Manzini: Take this, for instance. "To my darling Mary, from Herbert." This is more than a book. It's a testimony to love.
Dodger: [holds up teddy bear] And this?
Captain Manzini: Ah, did the child who slept with this grow up to shake the world?
Dodger: [hands Manzini a fold-out fan] Tell me about this, Captain Manzini
Captain Manzini: Ah, an early form of air conditioning.
[waves folded-out fan in Dodger's face]
Captain Manzini: Also, a tool of romance. It could beckon...
[holds fan up to own face and waves toward it]
Captain Manzini: ... or rebuff.
[folds up fan, taps Dodger on the shoulder with it]
Dodger: Did you ever get beckoned?
Captain Manzini: Yes. I also got rebuffed. But like me, this is a relic from a simpler age, when good and bad was black-and-white. And a man could settle all his differences with one of these.
[holds up fencing sword, hands it to Dodger]
Captain Manzini: Then some damn fool invented gunpowder, and a bigger damn fool split the atom. That's when I decided to leave mankind to it's folly and retire here. Into this world of memories
Captain Manzini: [coming up with a spell to get the kids back in the garbage pail] "Rats and thunder, wind and hail \ Send the kids back in the pail."
[it fails to work]
Captain Manzini: I don't understand it. It's your basic Mary Poppins and it's not working.
Captain Manzini: [to Dodger, as the kids leave] Perhaps it would have been safer to lock them away from the world. But as you've taught me, Dodger, you can't change the world by locking yourself away from it.