The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
Girl #2: You wanna see a dog wanking off into a garbage pail?
Foul Phil - Suit: My tummy hurts!
Greaser Greg - Suit: What did you eat?
Foul Phil - Suit: Everything!
Greaser Greg - Suit: That makes sense!
Valerie Vomit: [Valerie Vomit, finds her hamburger wrapper empty] Ali, you ate my burger!
Ali Gator: Oh, yeah? Prove it.
Valerie Vomit: I can't, you ate the evidence.
Captain Manzini: Did you get the blood of a toad and the eye of a newt?
Dodger: Nope. The pet shop's out of unicorns, too.
Captain Manzini: No wonder there's no magic in the world today. You can't get the ingredients.
Dodger: [starting work unloading a crate] Do you sell much of this stuff? We've only had two customers and they didn't buy anything.
Captain Manzini: Patience is a bitter vine, dear Dodger, but it bears sweet fruit.
Captain Manzini: That's from the Greek. It loses a little something in translation. Now, let's add a little sparkle to our merchandise.
[hands Dodger a feather duster]
Captain Manzini: Funny people should call this junk, isn't it? When every piece is a diary of the human spirit.
[holds book, looks at inside cover]
Captain Manzini: Take this, for instance. "To my darling Mary, from Herbert." This is more than a book. It's a testimony to love.
Dodger: [holds up teddy bear] And this?
Captain Manzini: Ah, did the child who slept with this grow up to shake the world?
Dodger: [hands Manzini a fold-out fan] Tell me about this, Captain Manzini
Captain Manzini: Ah, an early form of air conditioning.
[waves folded-out fan in Dodger's face]
Captain Manzini: Also, a tool of romance. It could beckon...
[holds fan up to own face and waves toward it]
Captain Manzini: ... or rebuff.
[folds up fan, taps Dodger on the shoulder with it]
Dodger: Did you ever get beckoned?
Captain Manzini: Yes. I also got rebuffed. But like me, this is a relic from a simpler age, when good and bad was black-and-white. And a man could settle all his differences with one of these.
[holds up fencing sword, hands it to Dodger]
Captain Manzini: Then some damn fool invented gunpowder, and a bigger damn fool split the atom. That's when I decided to leave mankind to it's folly and retire here. Into this world of memories
Captain Manzini: [handing Dodger something to replace his dirty clothes] Here, try this on.
Dodger: A dress?
Captain Manzini: Only to western eyes. This is a dashiki, given to me by the great African leader Um-Tuh-Tuh, in gratitude for making his mother-in-law disappear.
Dodger: You were in Africa?
Captain Manzini: Actually, I was on my way back from Egypt. I was doing a split week, Cleveland and Cairo. But that's a long story.
Captain Manzini: [coming up with a spell to get the kids back in the garbage pail] "Rats and thunder, wind and hail \ Send the kids back in the pail."
[it fails to work]
Captain Manzini: I don't understand it. It's your basic Mary Poppins and it's not working.
Captain Manzini: [to Dodger, as the kids leave] Perhaps it would have been safer to lock them away from the world. But as you've taught me, Dodger, you can't change the world by locking yourself away from it.
Dodger: [to the Garbage Pail Kids] I don't think you're ugly, exactly.
Valerie Vomit: You wanna suck face?