Eddie Murphy Raw (1987)
Eddie Murphy: I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
Eddie Murphy: Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."
[Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act]
Eddie Murphy: Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!"
Eddie Murphy: Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And
Eddie Murphy: y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherfucker.
Eddie Murphy: [imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics] If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...
["If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy"]
Eddie Murphy: White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthafuckas." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
Eddie Murphy: The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"
Eddie Murphy: "Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and shit. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a fuck, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."
Eddie Murphy: Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherfuckin'* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' shit like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherfucker, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!
Eddie Murphy: I was disgusted.
Man in Audience: Half!
Eddie Murphy: [gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!
Little Eddie: [demonstrating] Then he kicked him in the ding-ding.
Eddie Murphy: She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"
Eddie Murphy: [as Bill Cosby] Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!
Eddie Murphy: And I said, "I never said no filth flarn filth! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm offended that you called! Fuck you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!
Eddie Murphy: [as Bill Cosby] That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... fuck!
Eddie Murphy: [imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?
Eddie Murphy: [Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.