Blair Litton: Except for socially, you're my role model.
Aaron Altman: I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil.
Jane Craig: This isn't friendship. You're crazy, you know that?
Aaron Altman: What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around?
Jane Craig: God!
Aaron Altman: Come on! Nobody is going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail! What's he gonna sound like?
Aaron Altman: No. I'm semi-serious here.
Jane Craig: You're seriously...
Aaron Altman: He will be attractive! He'll be nice and helpful. He'll get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation. He'll never do an evil thing! He'll never deliberately hurt a living thing... he will just bit by little bit lower our standards where they are important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he'll talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.
Aaron Altman: I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell.
Aaron: I say it here, it comes out there.
Bill Rorich: This is a brutal layoff. And all because they couldn't program Wednesday nights.
Paul Moore: You can make it less brutal by knocking a million or so off your salary... Bad joke, I'm sorry.
Aaron Altman: [at the television] A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!
Aaron Altman: Pretty peppy party pal.
Blair Litton: Oh, you think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
Aaron Altman: No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their bosses buttocks and then *smooches* is an ass-kisser.
Blair Litton: My gosh... and for a while there I was attracted to you.
Aaron Altman: Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!
Tom Granick: It's not that I'm down on myself. Trust me. I stink.
Aaron Altman: And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense... and it's you.
Jane Craig: Oh, Bubba.
Aaron Altman: I'm going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like *so much*!
Aaron Altman: Let's never forget, we're the real story, not them.
Aaron Altman: I just wanna be alone this time.
Ernie Merriman: It's ok. I'll go with you.
Aaron Altman: Thanks.
Paul Moore: It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room.
Jane Craig: No. It's awful.
Aaron Altman: Ok, I'll meet you at the place near the thing where we went that time.
Aaron Altman: Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?
Aaron Altman: [singing (and reading)] I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading both.
Aaron Altman: And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lead.
[after Paul fires one of his workers]
Paul Moore: Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.
Aaron: [as Arnold Schwarzenneger] See ya in da lobbies.
[Playback on monitor]
Reluctant Interviewee: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Can you use that?
Aaron Altman: Depends on how slow a news day it is.
[Reacting to the playback]
Jane Craig: I can't believe you said that!
Aaron Altman: I'm very proud of that.
Aaron Altman: Hi, Elli. Remember me? I've been to your house...
Ernie Merriman: And Aaron was on that 14-day rafting trip we took.
Elli: Oh, yeah...
Aaron: It was raining... I had a hood on...
Elli: Oh, yeah!
[Aaron smiles and walks away]
Aaron: She remembers me!
Aaron Altman: You really blew the lid off of nookie
Tom Grunnick: What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
Aaron Altman: Keep it to yourself.
Jane Craig: No, no, no it wasn't just the speech, the same thing happened with this guy. I have passed some line, some place. I am beginning to repel people I'm trying to seduce.
Aaron Altman: He must've been great looking...
Jane Craig: Why do you say that?
Aaron Altman: Because nobody invites a *bad* looking idiot up to their bedroom.
Tom Grunnick: I'm going to miss you... you're a prick in a good way... I'm sorry.
Aaron Altman: No, I liked how that made me *sound*.
Jennifer Mack: [pointing at Tom's penis' shadow] Do you do bunny rabbits?
Aaron Altman: Can I watch the news?
Aaron Altman: Sorry... sex, tears... this must be the news.
Aaron Altman: If anything happens to me, you tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
Jane Craig: Just what do you want from me anyway, permission to be a fake? Stop whining.
Jane Craig: I-I can't help you. Sorry, I'm not here to teach remedial reporting.
Jane Craig: People called in complaining about your sweating?
Aaron Altman: No, NICE calls, worried that I was having a heart attack.
[On Aaron's sweating incident on the air]
Jane Craig: [on phone] It wasn't UNPRECEDENTED, was it?
Tom Granick: [on phone] Not unless you count "Singin' In the Rain".
[Watching Aaron's flop sweat attack]
News Producer: This is more than Nixon ever sweated.
Jane Craig: So you like me, huh?
Tom Granick: I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an asshole.
Aaron Altman: Can you believe it? I just risked my life for a network that tests my face with focus groups.
Aaron Altman: I don't feel good.
Aaron Altman: Six years from now, I'll be back here with my wife and two kids. And I'll see you, and one of my kids will say, "Daddy, who is that?" And I'll say it's not nice to point at single fat women.
Aaron Altman: Just how noticeable is this, huh?
Aaron Altman: A lot of alliterations from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!
Aaron Altman: The pointers were great, I'll study the tape.
Tom Granick: Just remember that you're not just reading the news, you're narrating it. Everybody has to sell a little. You're selling them this idea of you, you know, you're sort of saying, trust me I'm, um, credible. So when you feel yourself just reading, stop! Start selling a little.
Tom Granick: You're an *amazing* woman - what a *feeling* having you inside my head!
Jane Craig: [smiling] Yeah - it was - an unusual place to be.
Tom Granick: It's like - indescribable - you knew *just* when to feed me the next line, you knew the m... second before I needed it. There was like, a *rhythm* we got into - it was like - *great sex*!
[he pulls her toward him while she laughs]
Aaron: Here's a good one. They allow us to have cameras at an execution in Florida. Do you broadcast tape of the guy in the chair when they turn on the voltage?
Martin Klein: Sure.
Jennifer Mack: Why not?
Ernie Merriman: Absolutely.
George Wein: You bet.
Aaron: Nothing like wrestling with a moral dilemma, is there?
Martin Klein: OK. What about this? Here's a tough ethical one. Would you tell a source that you loved them? Just to get some information?
Aaron Altman: Yes.
George Wein: Yes.
Ernie Merriman: Me too.
Jennifer Mack: Sure.
George Wein: You bet.
Aaron Altman: Jennifer didn't know there was an alternative.