Amazon Women on the Moon (1987)
B.B. King: Did you know that every 7 minutes, a black person is born in this country with no soul?
Henny Youngman: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to.
Slappy White: But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. How about "ugly" and "cheap"? Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court.
Bernice Pitnik: I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy.
[the Penthouse Girl tells about her life]
Taryn Steele: I have grown so much since then. I can't hardly believe it's me. I am a beach person and a night person. I'm really sorry for everybody who doesn't live in California, because we got it all, the mountains, the sun.
Steve Allen: Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids.
Rip Taylor: What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.
Rip Taylor: But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. She learned everything about sex from a manual. Immanuel was their gardener.
Rip Taylor: I'm sorry, I better wrap it up now, folks. 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business - 'get off quick.' Like Harvey on his wedding night.
Slappy White: But in conclusion, I'd like to say congratulations, Harvey. Rigor mortis is the closest you've ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
Pirate 1: Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.
Pirate 2: No!
Pirate 3: What good are they?
Pirate 4: Can't record on 'em.
Pirate 2: They're not compatible with my system.
Pirate Captain: [looking at the FBI Warning on the video] Ohhh, I'm so scared.
Apartment Victim: [Arsenio Hall has been on the receiving end of a wrong number for the same person three times in a row, and is getting frustrated] There ain't no fuckin' Thelma here! The bitch don't LIVE here!
Apartment Victim: Fuck you, too, man!
Man in Pub: [humoring the "invisible man"] Oh, my. Now, how did that happen? There must be a ghost in here.
Sy Swerdlow: Hi, I'm Sy Swerdlow... and I invented the patented process known as hair looming... If you suffer from premature hair loss... let our team of technicians visit you in the privacy of your own home, so there will be no embarrassment... You'll choose from our selection of over two hundred colors and styles... then your head will be carpeted... with 100 percent pure acrylic fiber... completely natural-looking.
Butch: I never thought I'd be miserable surrounded by beautiful dames.
Capt. Nelson: Cut the gags, Butch, we're in enough trouble...
Butch: What's she looking at? She acts like she's never seen a man before.
Queen Lara: She hasn't. Have you, Alpha-Beta?
Alpha Beta: No, My Queen. What are men good for?
Butch: I'm pretty good in the backseat of a Studebaker...
Henry Silva: Is this the way it happened? Was Jack the Ripper in fact a sixty-foot sea serpent from Scotland? Did I take this job to make a quick buck? We may never know the answers to these questions.
Pimp: Safety and good mileage are the two things I looked for in a new car. That's why I bought a Volvo stationwagon.
Brenda Landers: [very upset] What kind of hospital is this?
Doctor: Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Lamaze! You see, due to a slight clerical error your son has been temporarily misplaced.
Brenda Landers: You lost our son?
Doctor: Did I say lost? I said misplaced.
Harry Landers: I'm suing you for malpractice, negligence, you name it!
Doctor: Oh great! Just jump all over me, why don't you! Just jump all over me! What about the 9 kids I didn't lose this week?