Al: Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.
Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.
Peggy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?
Peggy: Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.
Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.
Peggy: What would you like?
Al: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.
Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.
Peggy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.
Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.
Al: I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?
Bud: No, Dad.
Al: Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.
Al: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.
Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.
Al: I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.
Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.
Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.
Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.
Al: Let's rock.
Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.
Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.
Al: Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.
Marcy: [imitating Al's caveman ancestors] Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?
[In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?
Al: Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.
Peggy: Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.
Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.
Al: Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.
[a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes.
Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.
Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.
[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]
Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.
Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.
Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him!
[holds up two fingers]
Al: Quick, how many fingers am I holding up?
[pokes Jefferson in the eyes]
Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.
Kelly: [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.
Al: [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"] And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.
Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France.
Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.
Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.
Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.
Al: [doorbell rings] Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It Could Be Worse' Tour.
[the "Psycho Dad" theme]
TV Announcer: [singing] A little touched, or so we're told/Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold/Might as well, she was gettin' old!/Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!/He's quick with a gun!/And his job ain't done!/Killed three wives by twenty-one/He's Psycho Dad!
Al: This is why we must give to PBS.
Various characters: [repeated line said to Al] You stink!
Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal!