Blackadder:
I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
Baldrick:
Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder:
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
[
Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick:
I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder:
Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick:
They certainly are.
Blackadder:
Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick:
We do nothing...
Blackadder:
Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick:
No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder:
And then we... spring into action?
Mrs. Miggins:
Bonjour, Monsieur
Blackadder:
Excuse me.
Mrs. Miggins:
It's French.
Blackadder:
So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating on the streets.
Blackadder:
[
to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
Blackadder:
Sir, may I be allowed a short violent outburst?
Prince George:
Why yes of course.
Blackadder:
DAMN.
Baldrick:
Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder:
The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes" - and yes it bloody well is.
Mrs. Miggins:
The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He's so exciting, don't you think?
Blackadder:
Actually, I think he's the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
Blackadder:
We hate the French! We fight wars against the French! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burned Joan of Arc just wasting good matches?
Prince George:
What can I do to a woman that I can't do to you?
Blackadder:
I cannot conceive, sir.
Blackadder:
Stick the kettle on, Baldrick
Baldrick:
What? Aren't we going to France?
Blackadder:
Of course we're not going to France! It's incredibly dangerous!
Baldrick:
Well, how you gonna win your bet?
Blackadder:
Simple, Baldrick. By the use of the large thing between my ears.
Baldrick:
Ohhh. Your nose.
Blackadder:
[
after Baldrick finds out about the "plot" to kill Prince George, Blackadder leaves him, telling him he might not cope more than five minutes without him, and places a bet] Four minutes, twenty three seconds, Baldrick. You owe me a groat!
Baldrick:
[
Blackadder slams the door] Something wrong, Mr. B?
Blackadder:
Oh, something's *always* wrong, Balders... the fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.
Blackadder:
I will suffice to say, 'sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon'
[
Leaves]
Baldrick:
Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard!
[
Blackadder comes back into the room looking murderous]
Blackadder:
I fear you will soon be eating those badly chosen words, Baldrick. I wouldn't bet one groat that you could last five minutes here without me!
Baldrick:
Oh, come on, Mr B. It's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the moment you leave.
Blackadder:
Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
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