Drayton: [to Leatherface] You have one choice, boy: sex or the saw. Sex is, well... nobody knows. But the saw... the saw is family.
Stretch: I know nobody's listening 'cos you're all looming, but I got a shot of hot rock 'n roll for you anyway...
[takes a call]
Stretch: KOKLA Red River Rock 'n Roll Request.
Buzz: [referring to the chainsaw wielding Leatherface] What the hell is that?
Rick: It's... It's some kind of a geek!
Drayton: It's a dog eat dog world and from where I sit there just ain't enough damn dogs!
Lefty: One of those boys was so crazy he sawed his own head off going 90 miles per hour.
Chop Top: [to Stretch at the radio station] Can you play Inna-Vida-da-Gadda?
L.G. McPeters: [seeing Chop-Top cutting up records] Hey! What the shit?
Chop Top: Lick my plate, you dog dick!
Chop Top: Uh, I wanna... I wanna buy some uh, radio add time.
Vantia 'Stretch' Block: [getting nervous] Are you fucking crazy? We are closed. Off the air till' tomorrow. You'll have to just... come... back...
Chop Top: No but... but yeah but... Whoa.
L.G. McPeters: Just had another cursin' caller. Your little ass is gonna be in big trouble with that tape girl.
Chop Top: Dog will hunt. Get that bitch, Leatherface. Get that bitch!
Chop Top: Dog will hunt.
Drayton: The small bussinessman... always, always, always gets it in the ass.
Drayton: I thought you took care of her already.
Chop Top: Yeah well, Leatherface killed her once already, but LOOK! She's Red-faced. Oh, Bubba's been playing with her, Bubba likes her. Bubba's got a girlfriend!
[when asked the secret of his successful chilli]
Drayton: No secret, it's the meat. Don't skimp on the meat. I've got a real good eye for prime meat. Runs in the family.
Drayton: You coonshits, you fudge packers, you'll be the death of me yet!
[When swinging for Stretch, Leatherface hits Chop Top on his head with the chainsaw by accident, exposing his metal place cover]
Chop Top: Her, not me you dumbass! Leatherface, you bitch! Look what you did to my Sonny Bono wig do... oh, goddamn I can't believe it! You gonna have to buy me a new plate cover! You gonna have to buy me a new plate cover, Leatherface! Oh... I'm gonna have to go back to the VA hospital to get me a new plate cover!
Chop Top: C'mon Bubba. Cook's out here chewing ass like it was steak... "We gotta run for that money now! Chase that dollar, boy! Gotta go fast to catch it... "
L.G. McPeters: It's like super-feedback. Just... put the underwoofer across the overflapper.
Drayton: Who sentcha? Those sissies over at Delmar catering? That chicken-shit burrito man?
Drayton: [Hiding under the dinner table while Leatherface and Lefty fight] Maybe it's just time to just shut down. Time to shut down the show, yeah. Yeah, pull the plug. Come here, Nubbins!
[Pulls the preserved corpse of the hitchhiker from the original film under the table and searches him]
Drayton: Where... Where's that fuck you Charlie?
Drayton: A man builds a good sturdy trade by hookin' and crookin' and then
[removes pin from grenade]
Drayton: Ka plooey! The Gods just kick him right in the balls. Ah no! Not this time...
Drayton: I wouldn't wish this rotten life off on a one-eyed ferret with mange.