Sweet Liberty (1986)
Bo Hodges: You realize who goes to see movies. Eighty percent of them are between the ages of 12 and 22. And you know what the kids like?
Michael Burgess: What?
Bo Hodges: Well, this may sound silly to you, but kids go completely ape if you do three things in a picture: defy authority, destroy property, and take people's clothes off.
Michael Burgess: [bollixed] What does that have to do with American history?
Bo Hodges: Oh, come on, Michael, think about it for a second. Why do kids defy authority? Because they're in rebellion. The American revolution, Michael, was the ultimate rebellion. *And* they destroyed property! So all we had to do with these lunatics' help was to get their clothes off.
Michael Burgess: [Meeting the director for the first time] Yeah, the script is, uh... very interesting. There are only a couple of things I have a problem with.
Bo Hodges: [unconcerned] Oh, yeah? What are they?
Michael Burgess: The story, and the dialogue.
[Stanley is trying to check into his hotel]
Stanley Gould: I have to get right to my suite. I'm the writer.
Stuntman: So? I'm the stunt coordinator.
Stanley Gould: So you can fall down later - I have writing that can't wait.
[On Stanley's adaptation of Michael's book]
Stanley Gould: You're not upset are you?
Michael Burgess: [annoyed] I think I should warn you - I have a sword in my bag.
Gretchen: [to Michael] How can you teach History and have such a short memory?
Michael Burgess: Hi Mom. I brought you your groceries
Cecelia Burgess: Put them on the TV.
Michael Burgess: Mom, why do you always put your groceries on the TV?
Cecelia Burgess: I always put them there and keep them there for a week. The radiation kills the poison that they put in them.
Michael Burgess: Mom, there's no poison in your groceries. Why don't you put them in the kitchen?
Cecelia Burgess: You know why.
Cecelia Burgess: Because "he's" in there.
Michael Burgess: Who, Mom? The Devil?
Michael Burgess: Mom, the Devil is not in your kitchen.
Michael Burgess: [of the screenplay's historical inaccuracies] Tarleton was a vicious ruthless beast! Why would she fall in love with this guy?
Bo Hodges: He's number four at the box office.
Michael Burgess: What?
Bo Hodges: Elliott James is an international star. He comes on the screen in Paris, they wet their pants in Manila. If she *doesn't* fall in love with him, the audience will set fire to the *ushers*.
Michael Burgess: [on meeting the lead actress out of period costume] I'm trying to get used to how *different* you look. You--you know, you're two different people!
Faith Healy: Oh, well, if all I could be is two different people, I'd be out of business!
Elliott James: [of his philandering] You know what my problem is? The way they smell. The perfume of their skin. It's, it's so intoxicating. I told my wife I'd never even *look* at other women if only I could cut off my nose.
Michael Burgess: What'd she say?
Elliott James: She said I was aiming too high.
Faith Healy: [on seeing Michael nearly pick a fight with her co-star Elliott out of jealousy] I think if you have a complaint, you ought to take it up with me.
Michael Burgess: Exactly how far do you take being Mary Slocum?
Faith Healy: How far do you take being an historian?
Michael Burgess: I would stop short of sleeping with George the Third. *Why* would you have anything to do with him?
Faith Healy: Because he's a witty, charming man, and because it helps our scenes.
Michael Burgess: Helps your *scenes*?
Faith Healy: When I look in his eyes now, there's someone there. Do you--do you know what it feels like to act with someone who has the emotional depth of an eggplant?
Michael Burgess: [truly astonished] You're not at *all* like her!
Faith Healy: [quietly, also astonished] Where have you been the last ten weeks?
Michael Burgess: [Stanley calls Michael and himself "The Two Musketeers"] I'm not a musketeer, I'm a historian!
Michael Burgess: [to Stanley, who wants to inject more comedy into the screenplay] The American Revolution was NOT a goddamned vaudeville show!
Gretchen: I'll tell you what, Mrs. Burgess, why don't I make you some lunch?
Cecelia Burgess: Sure! Some poisoned food would just finish me off!
Michael Burgess: Well, they were all out of poisoned food today. We got the other kind.
Cecelia Burgess: I don't eat anything that hasn't been sitting on the TV for 24 hours. The radiation kills whatever poison they put in there.