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Camping in a Row of Future Tense, 1 May 2008

Author: dunmore_ego from Los Angeles, California

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I could say this movie was "a whale of a time" but it wasn't really. Starting with a promising premise, as the story unfolded, it quickly lost its porpoise. (Somebody slap me.)

Continuing where *Star Trek III: The Search for Spock* left off (sometime in the 23rd century), we find the Enterprise crew (William Shatner as Kirk, Leonard Nimoy as Spock and the cast of faves) on-board a commandeered Klingon spacecraft returning to Earth, only to find it being visited by a mysterious cylindrical alien probe hovering above the atmosphere, transmitting in whale song. Earth's authorities (the president of the United Federation of Planets looks suspiciously like Rob Reiner) discern the aliens are some kind of whaley protectors seeking their charges on Earth - and since whales were hunted to extinction back in the 21st century, the Federation believes the aliens will now exterminate Mankind in retribution.

Our Enterprise Heroes must travel back in time to 20th century Earth (yes, The Present) to retrieve two humpback whales and transport them Back To The Future to whale-speak to the probe and – I dunno – dupe the probe into believing that ALL whales are okay or something. (Even if the probe leaves Earth alone, the humpbacks are doomed to another extinction, for just two whales cannot possibly re-propagate the species, with gestation periods of 12 months and birthing only single calves on average every 2 years.)

But no one seems to care about long term strategy – as with all "environmental"-based projects, it only benefits the immediate generation.

This is one of those plots "so crazy it just might work" – and it does, because the premise of this movie is not to retrieve whales or save Earth, but to place Our Heroes from the future *in the present* – yes, excuse the further punning, but *Star Trek IV* is a fish-out-of-water tale. Our Heroes land in the mid-80s – and don't QUITE look out of place in New Romantic/spandex Los Angeles.

The dialog regarding time-traveling back to the 20th century goes thus: "Slingshot around the sun and you'll achieve time warp." "But that's crazy!"

I kid you not.

With five writers (Leonard Nimoy, who also directed, Harve Bennett, Steve Meerson, Peter Krikes, Nicholas Meyer) one wonders how the slingshot scene could've ended up so utterly bereft of sense, not only in its dialog, but in its execution: judging by the size of the ship as it slingshots around the back of the sun, the sun must be, oh, about 100 feet in diameter.

Then again, this one's a comedy; from the jaunty soundtrack during the hospital chase scene to Mr. Spock's dry one-liners. Some might say that Earth in the 1980s was a comedy anyway, so what's the diff? Our Heroes land in a San Diego field, put the invisible shield on (of course) and fan out in pairs, each on a wacky adventure: Chekov (Walter Koenig) and Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) seek the infamous "nuclear wessels" – to replenish the power that Scotty is always complaining he never has enough of; Bones (DeForest Kelley) and Scotty (James Doohan) seek plexiglass for the whale tank, Sulu (George Takei) and his enormous wang commandeer a chopper, while Kirk (William Shatner) and Spock (Nimoy) track down two whales at a Seaquarium, with Kirk spending all his precious Humanity-Saving time putting the moves on the marine biologist who looks like Elizabeth Shue (Catherine Hicks).

At the time of its release, *Trek IV* was heartily entertaining – but it is dating fast. In ten years, it's gonna look too damn naive to stomach.

The most annoying scene that loses our suspension of disbelief is Chekov asking the cop, "Where are the nuclear wessels?" and the cop staring at him blankly. The five writers couldn't come up with a plausible reaction from the cop? At least "Whatchoo talking' bout Russkie?" or SOMETHING? Instead, we get this retarded reaction that makes me embarrassed to say I live in California.

After the crew secure all their resources, they rescue Chekov from a hospital (and stupidly beam from the hospital to the OUTSIDE of their ship in the field – why not beam straight INSIDE?), then the chick who looks like Elizabeth Shue forces herself on-board by jumping on Kirk outside the ship just before he beams on-board. Oh, like they can't escort her off – they're still just parked in the San Diego field, not between wormholes in radiation clouds. After retrieving the whales in one of the most unconvincing, stock-footage whaling-ship scenes in the history of blubber, they "slingshot round the sun" again and arrive with such exactitude at the second they left the 23rd century, that we wonder why more people don't do this more often and save Kennedy and Gandhi and let Vanilla Ice die in the crib.

Seeing Spock being pushed unwillingly into the water (in what I'm sure was a playful ad-lib) is worth the price of the DVD rental, or paying for HBO.

When the crisis is averted, there is a short epilogue where the Elizabeth Shue chick spurns Kirk's advance. Even if we don't require a typical romantic ending, he had saved both her life and that of her precious whales – the ABSOLUTE LEAST she can do is allow nuzzling of mammaries for one night; instead, Kirk is blue-balled and can only hope for another sequel where he can get his body-oil on and wail on some chick who is not even his species.

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