Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?
Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.
[to the Antique Store Owner]
Kirk: How much?
Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.
Kirk: [pause] Is that a lot?
[Kirk and Spock enter a bus headed for the aquarium - only to exit the bus about two seconds later]
Spock: [to Kirk] What does it mean, "exact change"?
Punk on bus: [Playing loud music on the bus]
Kirk: Excuse me.
Punk on bus: [He ignores him]
Kirk: Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise?
Punk on bus: [He turns it up louder]
Kirk: [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise?
Punk on bus: [He flips him off]
Kirk: [He looks at Spock]
Spock: [He gives the punk the Vulcan neck-pinch, followed by the delighted applause of the grateful bus passengers]
Spock: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
Kirk: Spock, don't call me "Admiral". You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember, "Jim"?
Spock: [He gives a blank look]
Kirk: [He gives up] What's your question?
Chekov: Admiral. We have found the nuclear wessel.
Kirk: Well done, Team two.
Chekov: And Admiral... it is the *Enterprise*.
[Kirk and Spock look at each other]
Kirk: [Explaining Spock's odd behavior] Oh, him? He's harmless. Back in the sixties, he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: LDS?
[Spock is still learning how to use profanity correctly]
Spock: They like you very much, but they are not the hell "your" whales.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: I suppose they told you that.
Spock: The hell they did.
[faced with a 20th century computer]
Scotty: Computer! Computer?
[He's handed a mouse, and he speaks into it]
Scotty: Hello, computer.
Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard.
Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Do you guys like Italian?
Kirk: [at Spock] No, Yes.
Kirk: Yes, I love Italian...
[looks at Spock]
Kirk: And so do you.
Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumbass on you" and so forth.
Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.
[after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park]
Kirk: Everybody remember where we parked.
Kirk: If we play our cards right, we may be able to find out when those whales are being released.
Spock: How will playing cards help?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me! You're from outer space.
Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.
Kirk: Out of the way...
Shore Patrolman: Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...
Dr. Gillian Taylor: [Gillian moans in pain]
McCoy: My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!
[They enter the operating room]
Kirk: What did you say she has?
[Gillian has just beamed aboard the Klingon ship for the first time]
Kirk: Hello, Alice. Welcome to "Wonderland".
Chekov: [to a street cop] Excuse me, sir! Can you direct us to the naval base in Alameda? It's where they keep the nuclear wessels.
[He pauses, looks at Uhura, and tries again]
Chekov: *Nuclear wessels*
Disgruntled guy in car: Hey, why don't ya watch where you're going, ya dumbass!
Kirk: Well, uh, double dumbass on you!
McCoy: I mean, I may have carried your soul, but I sure couldn't fill your shoes.
Spock: My shoes?
McCoy: Forget it.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Sure you won't change your mind?
Spock: Is there something wrong with the one I have?
Scotty: Admiral, there be whales here!
McCoy: [McCoy, masked and in surgical garb, passes an elderly woman groaning on a gurney in the hallway] What's the matter with you?
Elderly patient: [weakly] Kidney
Elderly patient: dialysis.
McCoy: [geniunely surprised] Dialysis?
[musing to himself]
McCoy: What is this, the Dark Ages?
[He turns back to the patient and hands her a large white pill]
McCoy: you swallow that, and if you have any more problems, just call me!
[He pats her cheek and leaves]
Elderly patient: [the dialysis patient is being wheeled down the hall after being given the pill by McCoy]
Elderly patient: The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new kidney! The doctor gave me a pill, and I grew a new kidney!
Intern #1: [in disbelief, walking ahead of the patient] Fully functional?
Intern #2: [incredulous] Fully functional!
McCoy: My God, man! Drilling holes in his head isn't the answer! Now put away your butcher knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!
Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?
Spock: Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess.
Kirk: A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary.
Spock: [to Dr. McCoy] I don't think he understands.
McCoy: No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.
Spock: Then you're saying,
Spock: It is a compliment?
McCoy: It is.
Spock: Ah. Then, I will try to make the best guess I can.
[Chekov is being interrogated]
Chekov: My name?
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: [sarcastically] No, my name.
Chekov: I do not know your name.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: You play games with me, Mister, and you're through.
Chekov: I am? May I go now?
Shore Patrolman: How's the patient, doctor?
Kirk: He's gonna make it.
Shore Patrolman: He? You came in with a she.
Kirk: One little mistake...
Chekov: Cloaking device available on all flight modes.
Kirk: I'm impressed - That's a lot of work for a short journey.
Chekov: We are in an enemy wessel. I did not wish to be shot down on our way to our own funeral.
Spock: Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: He's just gonna hang around the bushes while we eat?
Kirk: [shrugs] It's his way.
[Kirk has just spoken very abruptly to Mr. Scott]
Scotty: He's in a wee bit of a snit, isn't he?
Spock: He is a man of deep feelings.
Scotty: Aye, what else is new?
McCoy: You realize that by giving him the formula you're altering the future.
Scotty: Why? How do we know he didn't invent the thing?
Kirk: This is good-bye?
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Why does it have to be good-bye?
Kirk: Well, like they say in your century, I don't even have your telephone number.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: What do you think?
FBI Agent 2: He's a Russki.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life, of course he's a Russki but he's a retard or something...
FBI Agent 2: You better call Washington.
Chekov: [picks up his phaser from the table, aiming at the FBI agents] Don't move!
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: OK, make nice, give us the ray gun.
Chekov: I warn you, if you don't lie on the floor... I will have to stun you.
FBI agent interrogating Chekov: Go ahead. Stun me.
Chekov: I'm very sorry, but...
[tries to fire the phaser, but it jams. Laughs nervously]
Chekov: Heh, must be the radiation.
[throws the phaser at the FBI agent and escapes through a back door]
[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]
Sulu: ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.
Scotty: The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?
Kirk: A ship is a ship.
Scotty: Whatever you say so.
Scotty: Thy will be done.
[the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]
Kirk: My friends.
Kirk: We've come home.
Klingon Ambassador: Remember this well - there shall be no peace as long as Kirk lives.
Gillian: You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that?
Kirk: No, ma'am. No dipshit.
Gillian: Well, good. That was one thing, I would have dropped you off right here.
Spock: Gracie is pregnant.
[Gillian breaks to a sudden stop]
Kirk: They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all.
Gillian: "Whales Weep Not" - D. H. Lawrence.
Kirk: Our mission? Spock, you're talking about the end of every life on Earth! You're half human.
Kirk: Haven't you got any goddamn feelings about THAT?
Klingon Ambassador: Behold the quintessential Devil in these matters: James T. Kirk, renegade and terrorist.
McCoy: [Dr. McCoy is talking about Mr. Spock]
McCoy: I don't know if you've got the whole picture, but he's not exactly working on all thrusters.
[to 20th Century American interrogators]
Chekov: I am Pavel Chekov, a commander in Starfleet. United Federation of Planets Service Number 656-5827D.
[about 20th Century America]
Kirk: This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture.
Scotty: Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon - that's hard.
Klingon Ambassador: Vulcans are well-known as the intellectual puppets of this Federation!
Ambassador Sarek: Your vessel did destroy the USS Grissom, your men did kill Kirk's son. Do you deny these events?
Klingon Ambassador: We deny nothing. We have the right to preserve our race.
Ambassador Sarek: You have the right to commit murder?
McCoy: You're going to try time traveling in this rustbucket?
Kirk: Well, we've done it before.
McCoy: Sure, you slingshot around the Sun, pick up enough speed - You're in time warp. If you don't, you're fried.
Kirk: I prefer it to nothing.
McCoy: I prefer a dose of common sense! You're proposing that we go backwards in time, find humpback whales, then bring them foward in time, drop 'em off, and hope to Hell they tell this probe what to do with itself!
Kirk: That's the general idea.
McCoy: Well, that's crazy!
Kirk: You've got a better idea?
Kirk: Now's the time.
Kirk: [Trying to revive Mr. Checkov] Pavel, talk to me
Kirk: Name! Rank!
Chekov: [groggily] Chekov, Pavel. Rank
Kirk: May fortune favor the foolish.
Ambassador Sarek: It is difficult to answer, when one does not understand the question.
Federation Council president: Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.
Spock: Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.
Federation Council president: As you wish.
Scotty: [over the intercom] I'm ready, Spock! Let's go find George and Gracie!
Lt. Saavik: [to Kirk] David died most bravely. He saved Spock. He saved us all. I thought you should know.
Amanda: Spock, does the good of the many out weigh the good of the one?
Spock: I would accept that as an axiom.
Amanda: Then you stand here alive because of a mistake made by your flawed, feeling, human friends. They have sacrificed their futures because they believed that the good of the one - you - was more important to them.
Spock: Humans make illogical decisions.
Amanda: They do, indeed.
Chekov: Please, please - We're looking for the naval base in Alameda can you tell us where the nuclear wessels are?
Random Passerby: Oh, I don't know if I know the answer to that. I think it's across the Bay. In Alameda!
Chekov: That's what I said - Alameda, I know that.
Cmdr. Uhura: But where is Alameda?
Punk singer: Just what is the future? / The things we've done and said? / Let's just push the button / We'd be better off dead / 'Cause I hate you / And I berate you / And I can't wait to get to you / The sins of all the fathers / Being dumped on us, the sons / The only choice we're given is / "How many megatons?" / And I eschew you / And I say *screw* you! / And I hope you're blue too / We're all bloody worthless...
Ambassador Sarek: As I recall, I opposed your enlistment in Starfleet. It is possible that judgment was incorrect. Your associates are people of good character.
Spock: They are my friends.
Spock: To hunt a species to extinction is not logical.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Whoever said the human race was logical?
Vulcan Computer: What was Kiri-Kin-Tha's first law of metaphysics?
Spock: Nothing unreal exists.
Federation Council president: [In an emergency transmission] This is the President of the United Federation of Planets. Do not approach the Earth. The transmissions of an orbiting probe are causing critical damage to this planet. It has almost totally ionized our atmosphere. All power sources have failed. All Earth-orbiting starships are powerless. The probe is vaporizing our oceans. We cannot survive unless a way can be found to respond to the probe. Further communications may not be possible. Save your energy.
Federation Council president: Save yourselves. Avoid the planet Earth at all costs. Farewell.
[Transmission distorts and fades away]
Lady in tour: [seeing Spock mind-melding with George the whale] Maybe he's singing to that man.
Saratoga captain: What do you make of it?
Saratoga science officer: It appears to be a probe, Captain. From an intelligence unknown to us.
Saratoga captain: Continue transmitting universal peace and hello in all known languages. Get me Starfleet Command.
Saratoga helmsman: Ready, Captain.
Saratoga captain: Starfleet Command, this is the U.S.S. Saratoga patrolling sector five, neutral zone. We're tracking a probe of unknown origin on apparent trajectory to the Terran solar system. Attempts to communicate with the probe have been negative on all known frequencies.
Starfleet Command: Continue tracking, Saratoga. We will analyze transmissions and advise.
[on the bridge of the new Enterprise]
Sulu: Helm ready, Captain.
Kirk: All right, Mr. Sulu. Let's see what she's got.
Kirk: You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.
Spock: For example?
Kirk: Oh the neglected works of Jacqueline Susan. The novels of Harold Robbins...
Spock: Ah, the "Giants".
Spock: Admiral, if we were to assume these whales were ours to do with as we pleased, we would be as guilty as those who caused their extinction.
McCoy: Perhaps, we could cover a little philosophical ground. Life
McCoy: Things of that nature.
Spock: I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines.
McCoy: C'mon, Spock, it's me, McCoy. You really have gone where no man's gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?
Spock: It would be impossible to discuss the subject without a common frame-of-reference.
McCoy: You're joking!
Spock: A joke
Spock: is a story with a humorous climax.
McCoy: You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?
Spock: Forgive me, Doctor. I am receiving a number of distress calls.
McCoy: I don't doubt it.
Dr. Gillian Taylor: Wait a minute. How did you know Gracie's pregnant? Nobody knows that.
Spock: Gracie does.
Gillian: [to Kirk] See you round the galaxy.
McCoy: [probing Chekov's head] Tearing of the middle meningeal artery...
Doctor #1: What's your degree in, dentistry?
McCoy: How do YOU explain slowing pulse, low respiratory rate and coma?
Doctor #1: Fundascopic examination!
McCoy: Fundascopic examination is unrevealing in these cases!
Doctor #1: A simple evacuation of the epidural hematoma will relieve the pressure!
McCoy: My God man, drilling holes in his head is not the answer! The artery must be repaired! Now, put away your butcher's knives and let me save this patient before it's too late!
McCoy: You sure this is such a bright idea?
Kirk: What do you mean?
McCoy: [referring to Spock] I mean him! Back at his post like nothing happened. I don't know if you got the whole picture or not, but he's not quite operating on all thrusters!
Kirk: It'll come back to him.
McCoy: Are you sure?
[Kirk doesn't answer]
McCoy: That's what I thought.