Gordie: Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?
Vern: If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.
Teddy: Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.
Gordie: I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!
Chris: He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.
Gordie: Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.
Vern: Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?
Teddy: Ha ha, Gordie loses! You lose Gordie! Ol' Gordie just screwed the pooch!
Gordie: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?
Teddy: Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite.
Gordie: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.
Teddy: You're a real wet end, Lachance.
Gordie: Shut up.
Gordie: And then your mom goes around the corner and she licks it up.
Teddy: Jesus H. bald-headed Christ!
Gordie: Fuck writing, I don't want to be a writer. It's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time.
Chris: That's your dad talking.
Chris: Bull true.
Chris: I know how your dad feels about you. He doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one. He cared about and don't try to tell me different. You're just a kid, Gordie.
Gordie: Oh, gee! Thanks, Dad.
Chris: Wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something, man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, "This is what we got for ya, kid. Try not to lose it." Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, then maybe I should.
Teddy: This is my age! I'm in the prime of my youth, and I'll only be young once!
Chris: Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life.
Chris: How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Teddy: Hey, I'm French, okay?
Chris: Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.
[Chris and Gordie laugh]
Teddy: Didn't I just say I was French?
Ace: Okay, Chambers, you little faggot. This is your last chance. What do you say, kid?
Chris: Why don't you go home and fuck your mother some more?
[Ace pulls out a knife]
Ace: You're dead.
Gordie: Do you think I'm weird?
Gordie: No man, seriously. Am I weird?
Chris: Yeah, but so what? Everybody's weird.
[Chris drags Gordie behind the building to show him his gun]
Gordie: Walking talking Jesus!
Gordie: Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood.
Vern: [after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident] This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat?
Teddy: You could cook your dick.
Chris: It'd be a small meal.
Vern: Come on you guys. Let's get moving.
Teddy: Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.
Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you, cracked?
Vern: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.
Chris: I'm never gonna get out of this town am I, Gordie?
Gordie: You can do anything you want, man.
Chris: Yeah, sure. Give me some skin.
Gordie: I'll see ya.
Chris: Not if I see you first.
Gordie: ...the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan.
Vern: Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one.
Chris: Good Vern. Go on, Gordie.
Gordie: Well this kid is our age but he's fat. Real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know, it's not his fault. It's his glands.
Vern: Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds! Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well, I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp! No shit. She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time...
Chris: Shut up, Vern.
Vern: Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.
The Writer: [voiceover] It happens sometimes. Friends come in and out of our lives, like busboys in a restaurant.
Milo: Chopper! Sic'em, boy!
The Writer: Now he said, "Sic'em, boy!" But what I heard was, "Chopper! Sic balls!"
Gordie: [Chopper turns out to be a small golden retriever] *That's* Chopper?
Teddy: Ha ha ha! Come on, Choppy! Bite my ass, Choppy! Bite my ass! Bite shit. Come on, Choppy! Sic balls, Choppy!
Milo: Stop teasing that dog, you hear me! Stop teasing him! Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!
Teddy: Yeah? I'd like to see you climb over this fence and get me, fat ass!
Milo: Don't you call me that, you little tin weasel peckerwood looney's son.
Teddy: What did you call me?
Milo: I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a looney. A looney up in the nuthouse in Togus. He took your ear and he put it to a stove and burnt it off.
Teddy: My father stormed the beach at Normandy.
Milo: He's crazier than a shithouse rat. No wonder you're acting the way you are with a looney for a father.
Teddy: You call my dad a looney again, I'll kill you.
Milo: Looney, looney, looney!
Teddy: I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!
The Writer: [typing on computer] I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?
[after they had dinner]
Vern: Nothing like a smoke after a meal.
Teddy: Yeah... I cherish these moments.
Teddy: What? What did I say?
Chris: "Suck my fat one"? Whoever told you that you had a fat one, Lachance?
Gordie: Biggest one in four counties.
The Writer: [voiceover] I was 12 going on 13 the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of 1959-a long time ago, but only if you measure in terms of years. I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only twelve hundred and eighty-one people. But to me, it was the whole world.
Teddy: [crying] He ranked my old man!
The Writer: It was weird to me how, then, Teddy could care so much about his father, who practically tried to kill him. And I couldn't give a shit about my old man, and he hadn't laid a hand on me since I was three! And that was for eating the bleach under the sink.
Teddy: You die, Chambers!
Vern: You guys wanna go see a dead body?
Chris: You wanna be the Lone Ranger, or the Cisco Kid?
[after being handed the gun]
Gordie: Is it loaded?
Chris: Shit no! What do you think I am?
[gun goes off]
Eyeball: So, what's with you and this Connie Palermo chick?
Billy Tessio: I've been seeing her for over a month now and all she'll let me do is feel her tits.
Ace: She's a Catholic, man. There'll all like that. If you wanna get laid, you gotta get yourself a Protestant. A Jew's good.
Vern: I wasn't that scared. I wasn't. Sincerely.
Gordie: Okay. Then you won't mind if we check the seat of your jockies for Hershey squirts, will you?
Vern: Go screw.
Mayor Grundy: [a crowd jeers Davy "Lardass" Hogan on stage by calling him "Lardass" repeatedly] Don't pay any attention to those fools, Lardass-er, I mean Davy.
Mayor Grundy: Next, a newcomer to the Pie Eat, but one we expect great things from in the future. Young master David Hogan!
Bill Travis: [Trips Lardass, who falls and hits his large belly on the stage] Are you all right, young man?
Lardass Heckler #1: Hey Lardass, how was your trip?
Bill Travis: [Quietly to Lardass] I hear you got a big appetite, Lardass. Don't even think about winning this.
[Helps Lardass stand back up]
Lardass Heckler #2: Boy, are you fat!
Teddy: That was the all-time train dodge! Too cool! Vern, you were so scared you looked like that fat guy, Abbott Costello, when he saw the mummy.
Teddy: I'll kill you!
Milo: You come on and try it, you slimy bastard.
Chris: He wants you to come over there so he can beat the piss out of you and take you to the cops.
Milo: You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting.
Gordie: Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat ass!
Milo: I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys and all your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for the looney up in Togus.
Teddy: I'll kill you!
Milo: You foul-mouthed whore master!
Teddy: You son of a bitch! Nobody ranks on my old man! My father stormed the beach at Normandy! He stormed the beach, you faggot!
Bob Cormier: Hey! From the racks and stacks, it's the best on wax! How 'bout another double-golden-oldie-twin-spin-sound-sandwich from K-L-A-M in Portland? Iiiiiiit's...
Pie-Eat Audience: [finishing sentence] Boss!
Billy Tessio: [about to get in Ace's car to find Ray Brower's body] Hey, Ace, uh... maybe me and Charlie shouldn't go.
Charlie Hogan: Yeah, maybe you guys could go without us.
Ace: [sighs] You guys are like my grandmother having a conniption fit. I don't see your problem. We brought a whole bunch of fishing gear, and if a cop asks us what we're doing here, we're just here to take a couple steelhead out of the river, and look what we found!
Vince Desjardins: Yeah! Come on, man, we're gonna be famous! We're gonna be on every radio and TV show in the country!
Charlie Hogan: I still don't think we should go.
Ace: Okay... okay... you've stated your position clearly. Now I'm gonna state mine: get in the fucking car, now!
Mr. Lachance: Why can't you have friends like Denny's?
Gordie: Dad, they're okay.
Mr. Lachance: Sure they are. A thief and two feebs.
Gordie: Chris isn't a thief.
Mr. Lachance: [Raises his eyebrow] He stole the milk money at school. He's a thief in my book.
Gordie: But you didn't miss him. Chris Chambers never misses, does he?
Chris: Not even when the ladies leave the seat down.
Eyeball: [about Ray Brower] Shit! When they gonna give up? The kid's gone. They ain't never gonna find him.
Charlie Hogan: Not where they're looking.
Billy Tessio: Hey, Eyeball's right, Charlie. They ain't never gonna find him.
Eyeball: ["tatooing" Eyeball's arm with a knife blade] Would you hold still? You're making me fuck up the snake part.
Vince Desjardins: I'll tell you how they're gonna find him. Ten years from now, some hunter's gonna go in the woods to take a leak, wind up pissing on his bones.
Charlie Hogan: I bet you a thousand bucks they'll find him before then.
Eyeball: Bet you two thousand dollars they don't.
Charlie Hogan: Well, asshole...
Billy Tessio: Hey, what's the big deal? Who cares?
Ace: Will you two just shut the fuck up? If either of you assholes had two-thousand dollars, I'd kill you both.
Vern: Geez, Gordie. Why couldn't you have gotten breakfast stuff? Like Twinkies and Pez and Root Beer?
Gordie: Sorry, Vern. I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more for your seven cents.
The Writer: The train had knocked Ray Brower out of his Keds the same way it had knocked the life out of his body.
The Writer: [referring to Chris] Although I hadn't seen him in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.
Chris: You're gonna be a great writer someday, Gordie. You might even write about us guys if you ever get hard-up for material.
Gordie: [wiping away his tears] Guess I'd have to be pretty hard-up, huh?
[the boys are having trouble designing how to get across the river]
Teddy: Okay, you guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie: You use your left hand or right hand to do that?
Teddy: You wish.
[after losing a drag race to Ace]
Eyeball: [to Vince] You let him beat you, you cock-knocker! Ha ha ha!
Teddy: Two for flinching!
The Writer: Vern didn't just mean being off limits inside the junkyard, or fudging on our folks, or going on a hike up the railroad to Harlow. He meant those things, but it seems to me now it was more and that we all knew it. Everything was there and around us. We knew exactly who we were and exactly where we were going. It was grand.
Mr. Lachance: [in Gordie's dream, at Denny's funeral] It should've been you, Gordie.
Chris: [while playing gin rummy] I knock.
Teddy: What? You liar! You ain't got no pat hand. You didn't deal yourself no pat hand!
Chris: Make your draw, shit-heap!
Gordie: Piss up a rope!
The Writer: At the beginning of the school year, Vern had buried a quart jar of pennies underneath his house. He drew a treasure map so he could find them again. A week later, his mom cleaned out his room and threw away the map. Vern had been trying to find those pennies for nine months. Nine months, man. You didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Vern: What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb!
Teddy: Oh, great! You brought the comb! What did you bring a comb for? You don't even have any hair!
Chris: Skin it.
Teddy: I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time.
Chris: It's okay, man.
Gordie: I'm not sure it should be a good time.
Chris: You saying you wanna go back?
Gordie: No. We're going to see a dead kid... maybe it shouldn't be a party.
Chris: You ready for school?
Chris: Junior High. You know what that means. Next year we'll all be split up.
Gordie: What are you talking about? Why would that happen?
Chris: 'Cause it's not gonna be like grammar school, that's why. You'll be taking your college courses, and me, Teddy, and Vern will all be in the shop courses with the rest of the retards, making ash trays and bird houses. You're gonna meet a lot of new guys. Smart guys.
Gordie: A lot of pussies is what you mean.
Chris: No, man. Don't say that. Don't even think that.
Vern: There's one thing I didn't understand. Did Lardass have to pay to get in the contest?
[Chris and Teddy sighs]
Gordie: No, Vern. They just let him in.
[after the boys have fallen into a lake]
Vern: I told you we should of stuck to the tracks.
Teddy: Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?
Vern: I suppose this is fun for you?
Teddy: No... but this is.
[Teddy dunks Vern into the lake]
Gordie: Why did he have to die, Chris? Why did Denny have to die?
Chris: I don't know.
Gordie: It should've been me.
Chris: Don't say that.
Gordie: It should've been me.
Chris: Don't say that, man!
Gordie: I'm no good. My dad said it. I'm no good.
Chris: He doesn't know you.
Gordie: He hates me.
Chris: He doesn't hate you.
Gordie: He hates me!
Chris: No! He just doesn't know you.
Charlie Hogan: Besides, me and Billy found him first!
Teddy: Yeah, Vern told us how you found him!
[in a high, mocking voice]
Teddy: Oh Billy, I wish we'd never boosted that car! Oh Billy, I think I just turned my Fruit-of-the-Looms into a fudge factory!
Gordie: [after Gordie and Chris set off the gun] That tupper babe saw me!
Chris: Aw, shit, Gordie! She thought it was firecrackers.
Gordie: I don't care! That was a mean trick, Chris!
Chris: Hey, Gordie! I didn't know it was loaded!
Gordie: You swear?
Chris: Yeah, I swear.
Gordie: On your mother's name?
Gordie: Even if she goes to hell 'cause you lied?
Chris: Yeah, I swear!
Gordie: Pinky swear?
Ace: You got two choices. You leave quietly, we take the body. Or, you can stay, we beat the shit out of you, we take the body.
[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]
[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]
Mayor Grundy: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!
[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]
Mayor Grundy: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.
[Now he speaks to the crowd]
Mayor Grundy: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!
Mayor Grundy: Heh-heh-heh... GO!
[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Lardass finishes his second pie]
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]
Bill Travis: Done!
Lardass Hogan: [Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!
Mayor Grundy: [to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.
[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]
Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!
Gordie: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.
[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]
Gordie: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.
Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!
Lardass Hogan: Done!
[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]
Gordie: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...
[Lardass barfs all over Bill]
Gordie: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!
Charlie Hogan: [Charlie and Billy are discussing the discovery of Ray Brower's body] I still think we should call the cops.
Billy Tessio: You don't go squawkin' to the cops when ya boosted a car, you idiot. They're gonna wanna know how we got all the way out on the Back Harlow Road. Now, they know we ain't got no car.
Charlie Hogan: We could make a 'nonymous call.
Billy Tessio: They trace those calls, stupid. I seen it on "Highway Patrol" and on "Dragnet."
Eyeball: Hey girls, where ya goin'?
Gordie: [Ace passes Gordie on the sidewalk and snatches his baseball cap off his head] Hey, my brother gave me that!
Ace: [holds the hat up high so Gordie can't reach it] Now, you're giving it to me.
Gordie: Hey! C'mon, man! That's mine!
Chris: [glaring at Ace] You're a real asshole, you know that?
Ace: [flicks his cigarette to that ground] Ooo. You're brother's not very polite, Eyeball.
Eyeball: Now, Christopher. I know you didn't mean to insult my friend.
Ace: I know he didn't mean to insult me. That's why I'm going to give him the chance of taking it back.
Ace: [thrusts Chris on his stomach against the sidewalk and begins holding the lit cigarette close to his eye] Take it back, kid.
Chris: You bastard! Let go, man! Shit!
Gordie: Stop it, man! You're hurting him!
Chris: Filthy bastard...! Okay, I take it back! I take it back!
Ace: Now, I feel a whole let better about this. How 'bout you?
[grins at Chris and pats him on the cheek]
Eyeball: See ya later, girls.
Vern: Ha-ha! You flinched! Two for flinching! Two for flinching!
[Teddy punches him twice in the arm]
Vern: ...B-but... you flinched!
Teddy: I know. Two for flinching.
The Writer: [voiceover] Around this time, Charlie and Billy were playing "Mailbox Baseball" with Ace and Eyeball.
[cuts to Ace hitting mailboxes with a bat in a moving car]
Ace: [Ace hits a wooden mailbox] Ahh shit! I'm out! Goddammit!
Eyeball: You shouldn't have gone for a wooden one. Huh-huh!
Ace: [Stares at Eyeball intensely] Why don't you tell me something I don't know, asshole?
[Hands bat to Billy]
Ace: Billy, you're up.
Billy Tessio: Nah, you guys win. I don't wanna play no more.
Eyeball: Hey, you can't quit! We've only played three innings! That would be a non-official game!
Charlie Hogan: Hey, Ace. Uh, we...
[Billy nudges him in the arm]
Ace: What's with you homos? You guys've been acting psycho all day.
Ace: What is it?
Billy Tessio: It's nothin'! It's nothin'! It's nothin', right?
[Looks over at Charlie who concurs]
Ace: Then, if you gentlemen don't mind, I'd like to finish this game before I start collecting my goddamn Social Security, okay? You're up Billy. Move it!
Billy Tessio: All right! Gimmie this fuckin' thing.
[grabs bat and assumes batter's position]
Ace: Let's play ball!
Gordie: Maybe you could come into the college courses with me.
Chris: Yeah right, that'll be the day.
Gordie: Why not? You're smart enough.
Chris: They won't let me.
Gordie: What do you mean?
Chris: It's what everyone thinks of my family in this town. It's what they think of me. I'm just one of those low-life Chambers kids.
Gordie: That's not true.
Chris: Oh wait, it is. No one even asked me if I took the milk money that time. I just got a three day vacation.
Gordie: Did you take it?
Chris: Yeah, I took it! I mean, you knew I took it. Teddy knew I took it. Everyone knew I took it. Even Vern knew it, I think. But maybe I was sorry and I tried to give it back.
Gordie: You tried to give it back?
Chris: Maybe. Just maybe. And maybe I took it to Old Lady Simmons and told her, and the money was all there. But I still got a three day vacation because it never showed up. And maybe the next week, Old Lady Simmons had this new suit on when she came to school.
Gordie: Yeah, yeah! It was brown and it had dots on it.
Chris: Yeah. So let's just say that I stole the milk money, but Old Lady Simmons stole it back from me. Just say that I told this story. Me, Chris Chambers. Kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think that anyone would've believed it?
Chris: And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the view, if they had taken the money?
Gordie: No way!
Chris: Hell no! But with me?... I'm sure she had her eye on that skirt for a long time. Anyway, she saw her chance, and she took it. I was the stupid one for even trying to give it back.
[begins to cry]
Chris: I just never thought a teacher... Oh, who gives a fuck anyway? I just wish... that I could go some place... where nobody knows me. I guess I'm just a pussy, huh?
Gordie: [comforting] No way. No way.
Gordie: Well, all the kids, instead of calling him Davie, they call him Lardass. Lardass Hogan. Even his little brother and sister calls him Lardass. At school, they put a sticker on his back that says "Wide-Load". And they rank him out and beat him up whenever they get a chance. But one day, he gets an idea; a greatest revenge idea, a kid ever had.
The Writer: The freight woke up the other guys and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer. But I didn't. That was the one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or written about it until just now.
Vern: Any of you guys know when the next train is due?
Chris: We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge.
Teddy: What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes.
Vern: Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go.
Teddy: No there isn't, we just jump.
Chris: Teddy, it's 100 feet.
Vern: Yeah, Teddy.
Teddy: Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts.
Gordie: You use your left hand or your right hand for that?
Teddy: You wish.
Vern: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you cracked?
Vern: Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand.
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right... would be a good fight though!