Quotes

Ben Jabituya: I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be.

Newton Crosby: Where are you from, anyway?

Ben Jabituya: Bakersfield, originally.

Newton Crosby: No, I mean your ancestors.

Ben Jabituya: Oh, them. Pittsburgh.

Ben Jabituya: Newton, we are wasting valueless time here.

Ben Jabituya: I am standing here beside myself.

Ben Jabituya: I am sporting a tremendous woody.

Duke: Will he kill me if I stop?

Ben Jabituya: Who is to say?

Duke: Will he kill me if I don't stop?

Ben Jabituya: Again I am shrugging.

Duke: I'm stopping.

Ben Jabituya: Good choice.

Skroeder: ...and I'm going to need some Hueys.

Howard Marner: Some what?

Skroeder: HELICOPTERS, Howard. Jesus Christ!

Howard Marner: I thought they were choppers.

Skroeder: Well, now they're called Hueys.

Howard Marner: Well, why wasn't I notified?

Benjamin Jabituya: Who is knowing how to read the mind of a robot?

Ben Jabituya: Did she stick her tongue down your throat?

Newton Crosby: Holy shit.

Number 5: No shit. Where see shit?

Number 5: Number 5 is alive.

Number 5: Many fragments. Some large, some small.

Stephanie Speck: What planet is this guy from?

Ben Jabituya: I have seen some strange, bizarre drivers, but you. You will be awarded a cake.

Ben Jabituya: Bye-bye, goofy woman. I enjoyed repeatedly throwing you to the ground.

Number 5: Malfunction. Need input.

[Stephanie is in the bath]

Number 5: [confused] Stephanie... change color!

Stephanie Speck: [looks down, embarrassed, reaches for a towel] Uh...

Number 5: Attractive! Nice software.

Stephanie Speck: You sure don't talk like a machine...

Number 5: Beautiful animal... canine... dog... mutt.

Newton Crosby: Can you believe it's been five years since I've driven?

Ben Jabituya: I would say ten.

Stephanie Speck: [they're heading for the cliff] Oh, no - Jeez! Number Five, we're gonna be killed!

Number 5: Disassemble?

Stephanie Speck: Yes, disassemble ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Stephanie Speck: I thought you were alive, Number 5. I let you tear my house to shreds and you're a ROBOT! You're a machine from that dumb war lab place. God, I'm so stupid!

Number 5: Stupid - foolish, gullible, doltish, dumbell...

Number 5: Well, if you gotta go, don't squeeze the Charmin.

Number 5: Bird. Raven. Nevermore.

Howard Marner: Where is he? I need him! Stat!

Ben Jabituya: Excuse me, sir. Crosby - is hidin' in the toilet, sir.

Howard Marner: Public relations is everybody's job.

Ben Jabituya: He's sayin' that the crowds there are making him dogsick, sir...

Howard Marner: Look, he's supposed to be here, I want him here, I *pay* him to be here.

Ben Jabituya: The last time I'm seein' him, he is busy womiting, sir.

Howard Marner: Well, clean him up and send him out to hobnob. Stat!

General Washburne: The only way to secure the peace, Senator, as I'm sure you know, is to be prepared. See, we can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over. Then each one is able to just carry a 25-megaton bomb right up the middle of Main Street Moscow - like the mailman bringing bad news. We call it Operation 'Gotcha LAST!'

Senator Mills: That's what you call 'ENSURING PEACE'?

General Washburne: Oh, yeah. Just as you say: 'Ensuring peace'.

Skroeder: Maybe it's pissed off.

Newton Crosby: It's a machine, Schroeder. It doesn't get pissed off, it doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes...

Newton Crosby, Ben Jabituya: ...IT JUST RUNS PROGRAMS!

Ben Jabituya: Newton, you know what is out there in the great outdoors? Girls. Mmmmm! With brassieres and legs - mmm. You have a working knowledge of girls?

Newton Crosby: No, but I read about 'em.

Ben Jabituya: Oh, then... maybe I can furnish you with some schematic drawings?

Stephanie Speck: [taking N5 for an extraterrestrial being] Oh, my God! I knew they'd pick me. I just knew it!... Hello? Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!

Stephanie Speck: [to N5 reciting TV commercials] OK, you didn't come a million miles to do television commercials, did you?

Stephanie Speck: [ending her phone conversation with NOVA's Marner] ... never mind, go back to your nuclear warheads.

Stephanie Speck: But you can't die. You're a machine.

Number 5: No.

Stephanie Speck: No, you're not a machine?

Number 5: Yes.

Stephanie Speck: Yes, you are, or yes, you're not?

Number 5: Yes.

Stephanie Speck: Yes, WHAT?

Number 5: Yes, not.

Stephanie Speck: Talk about a malfunction.

Stephanie Speck: [about the SAINT robots] So - what are these guys used for, anyway?

Ben Jabituya: It's top-secret crap.

Stephanie Speck: That's what I figured.

Number 5: Okay, to make these golden fluffy pancakes... add flour, milk and eggs... Mix thoroughly...

[uses his own motor to rotate the mixer - the bowl contents splatter all over the room]

Number 5: Ooooo... Still lumpy!

Stephanie Speck: Boy am I the jerk of the world!

Number 5: Jerk of the world: Turkey, idiot, pain in the ass.

Number 5: Kick ass? Donkey, mule, burrow.

Newton Crosby: OK. Listen closely. There's a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. They're out playing golf. They're deciding how much to give to charity. The priest says "We'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give to charity." The minister says "No, we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle, that's what we'll give to charity." The rabbi says "No no no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Number 5: Hmmmm. Oh, I get it! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Nyuk, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Stephanie Speck: What's going on? Is he laughing?

Newton Crosby: Yeah! Yeah! And the joke wasn't even that funny, and I think I screwed up the punchline. Ha ha ha ha!

Number 5: "Whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Number 5: Number 5

[Pushing Skroeder away]

Number 5: Number 5: No, no, please. No autographs, sir!

Number 5: Number 5:

[Grabs Stephanie]

Number 5: Come Stephanie! We be jamming!

[Busts out side of wall of Black Lion]

Number 5: [imitating Elmer Fudd after having seen the show on Stephanie's TV] Well, I guess that waps you up, you wascally wobot - huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh-huhgh!

Number 5: Benjamin Jabituya, delete.

Benjamin Jabituya: No, wait! Rethink yourself!

Number 5: Exit. Depart. Leave.

Benjamin Jabituya: Feel my dust, Newton Crosby. Let us break wind.

[leaves]

Number 5: Newton Crosby, no run, no talk, drive.

[Crosby stalls]

Number 5: Today, Crosby! Today!

Ben Jabituya: [just before he and Crosby go to meet with the public] Please wait for me. I need to go and use the jack.

Newton Crosby: It's the "john."

Ben Jabituya: Looks like you have created another Frankfurter's monster.

Newton Crosby: [in an earnest, confidential tone] Listen, I don't like those NOVA guys any more than you do; in fact, I don't care if they NEVER get No. 5 back. But I want to see it.

Stephanie Speck: [in a slightly cautious but trusting tone] If I show you where he is, will you give me your word that you will not experiment on him, you will not flip any of his switches, and you will not take him apart?

Newton Crosby: [solemnly] Absolutely. You have my word. I just want to look at it.

Stephanie Speck: [smiling amiably] Okay. He's right out back. I'll take you to him.

Skroeder: [smugly] While you're at it, young lady, you can take me, too.

Newton Crosby: [incredulously] Skroeder!

Skroeder: [in pretend gratitude, even though he knows that he and his men have merely tricked Crosby by secretly being there at the diner, in disguise, and thus have been within earshot] Great work, Crosby. Thanks for the help.

Stephanie Speck: [in a shocked outraged yell; she erroneously thinks that Crosby was in on the deception] You scumbag!

Newton Crosby: [in a helpless protesting tone] No, Steph, I swear - - I had no idea!