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Quotes

Gus Barrett: Son, you could be a doctor, or a lawyer, or even the president of the United States. Me, all I know how to do is fix things.

[the toaster he has been working on bursts into flames. Gus hurries to put out the fire]

Gus Barrett: So... uh, what's for dinner?

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Trooper: Hey! It's a moving van, isn't it? Let's MOVE!

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Leo Kohlmeyer: [singing] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.

[sighs]

Leo Kohlmeyer: Aw, Oscar... it's just not the same without the harmony.

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[press conference at his house]

Victor Rigsby: It's alright. Anything Uncle Oscar wanted is okay by us. And besides, there's nothing we can do about it.

[cut to attorney's office]

Victor Rigsby: What do you mean, there's nothing we can do about it?

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Bart: Mr. Leo!

Veronica: Why do you call him *Mr.* Leo?

Bart: Because he's older than I am, and he's got all that money. Mr. Leo? Mr. Leo! There you are!

[gives the cat the liver and onions]

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Bart: [learning to read, so going very slow] in... the... days... of... the... pioneers... the ma, ma, Mississippi, was... trav... eled... on by many steam, steam, steambaths!

Leo Kohlmeyer: Steamboats for crying out loud!

Bart: Oh yeah, steamboats! Thanks! Wait, who said that?

[looks around, then back to the cat]

Bart: . Mr. Leo?

Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes, yes. In the days of the pioneers the Mississippi was traveled on by many steamBOATS!

Bart: You can read!

Leo Kohlmeyer: Of course I can read! And you could too, if you would only pay attention and learn to concentrate better!

Bart: You can talk, but ah...!

Leo Kohlmeyer: [interrupts] That's right! And I can see, and hear, and taste, and touch. Just like you! Correct that, better than you! Now bring that book over to the table before you drive me bananas!

Bart: [Bart picks up the book and follows Leo]

Leo Kohlmeyer: Now, sit down. We're going to go over a few simple, easy steps that will help you. Number 1. Put the book on the table, and sit facing it.

Bart: [Bart is wriggling in his chair trying to get comfortable]

Leo Kohlmeyer: Hey. Number 2. Stop wriggling around.

[Bart sits still]

Leo Kohlmeyer: . Number 3. Start off with a few words, read them slowly and sound them out, then move on.

Bart: But that's so slow!

Leo Kohlmeyer: Trust me, kid. If you practice, it will get faster. And Number 4. If you're stumped, ask for help. You must have known steambaths was the wrong word.

Bart: Yeah, but sometimes these books are so weird, you can't even tell!

Leo Kohlmeyer: Ask anyway.

Bart: OK, should I start over?

Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes. But later. Right now, you and I need to discuss something that we need to fix, right away!

[Leo jumps off the table]

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[Bart and Veronica are hiding in Howard's closet, attempting to rescue Leo]

Bart: Aah Choo!

Howard Piggans: [Howard looks to the direction of the noise, sees it coming from the closet and moves towards it]

Leo Kohlmeyer: Howard, don't take another step.

Howard Piggans: [pauses, shaking his head] Either I'm hearing things, or that liver is a little too fresh.

Leo Kohlmeyer: Your hearing is fine, Howard.

Howard Piggans: Oh No!

[grabs his head]

Howard Piggans: The control! It's gone! A talking cat? Well, I'm hallucinating. I should've listened to the Doc!

Leo Kohlmeyer: Nah, Rigby's a phony! Work with me!

Howard Piggans: With you?

Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes, I've read many volumes on psychiatry and spoken with many professionals, I'm really quite good. Please, lie down.

Howard Piggans: [waves his hand in a "What have I got to lose" motion, and lies down on the couch]

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Minister's Wife: [Victor and Paula are meeting with the Minister and his wife, Paula is serving oer d'oeuvres] Oh, those look yummy!

[loud knock at the door, Paula has pulled back the tray from in front of the minister's wife]

Paula Rigsby: Excuse us a moment!

[Paula and Victor walk toward the door]

Paula Rigsby: [whispering] Who do you think it is?

Victor Rigsby: Howard?

Paula Rigsby: [whispering] Or the police!

Victor Rigsby: [opens the door, Howard rushes in]

Howard Piggans: Doc! Doc! You were right! For the first time in my life, I feel so relieved! All my troubles, are just... caged away!

[Howard has kidnapped Leo as instructed via hypnotic suggestion by Victor in a therapy session]

Victor Rigsby: That's great Howard! Now, where's the cat?

Howard Piggans: In the car.

Victor Rigsby: Great! Well, let's go get him!

Howard Piggans: No No No! Wait, No No! You see, I can't do that! See? I'm going to keep the cat. That way, when I have a problem, I can just put it... in the cage with the cat!

Paula Rigsby: [loud whisper] VICTOR!

Victor Rigsby: Howard, you don't need the cat! You're fine!

Howard Piggans: No! And as long as I have it, I'll never need you again!

[pushes Victor over, knocking him into the small table by the door, which breaks a vase, and his back]

Victor Rigsby: Ahhhh! My back!

Paula RigsbyMinister's Wife: [both move to stand over Victor] Great plan, Victor!

Victor Rigsby: Uhhhhhhh.

[passes out from the pain]

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Nurse: Doctor, something very odd just happened. It's probably nothing...

Doctor: Yes, what is it?

Nurse: Well, I was just walking past Mr. Kohlmeyer's room and I heard two people talking. Two distinct voices. But when I looked inside, there wasn't anyone else there, just Mr. Kohlmeyer.

Doctor: Nurse Roper, the mind plays strange tricks as the end draws near.

Nurse: But... Doctor, I'm not dying, he is.

Doctor: Yes, dear, I know. I'm a doctor, remember? And the doctor says, if a man wants to talk to himself in his final hours... let him.

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Paula Rigsby: I should have known it would come to this the day you flunked out of medical school.

Victor Rigsby: I did not flunk out! I withdrew for health reasons.

Paula Rigsby: Right. Insufficient brain.

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Leo Kohlmeyer: Steamboats, for crying out loud!

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Leo Kohlmeyer: Reading is the key to knowledge and you've got to unlock that door.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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