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Never Too Young to Die
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Never Too Young to Die More at IMDbPro »

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11 out of 11 people found the following review useful:

Titillating nipple biting with a twist.

Author: anthonyfeather from Hollywood, CA
12 December 2002

This movie is bad. But it's the laughable, entertaining kind of bad you find in movies like Grease II. You see great and crummy actors and actresses cast together that you would have never imagined, EVER. Gene Simmons of KISS fame plays the villainess gal with 'something extra'. You camp it up, Gene! You gotta love Gene Simmons, who has been playing in drag longer than Dame Edna. John Stamos plays himself basicly, no change in hair or motivation. He's handsome enough I suppose, but there is no acting range for this man. George Lazenby (one time James Bond) even makes an appearance!! Vanity made her career on those flawless cheekbones/exotic beauty, matched with dazzling clothes and sexy prancing, works her formula to the hilt. But she's convincing, because she seems like the type who really could beat the stuffing out of someone. She's a tough gal, secret agent with a heart of gold. The flirtation scene between John Stamos, Vanity and the garden hose will make heterosexual men lose sleep over her. (And make transvestites pine for Vanity's jungle bikini) The breast and nipple biting in this movie will truly surprise and titillate you! See it to laugh, to mock, and to marvel at the feminine charms of Gene Simmons. Nothing beats a great pair of legs!

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10 out of 11 people found the following review useful:

Sweet Screaming Jesus, Save Us!

Author: scorpio-x from Las Vegas
24 July 2001

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

***SLIGHT SPOILERS*** Wow. I've seen a lot of crap in my life, but this, this may truly be the worst of it all. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I wanted to hide under my chair, but I was paralyzed with fear and disbelief.

So, what happens? Well, let's see... John Stamos and his big poufy head of hair play Lance Stargrove, a high-school gymnast who wears either creepily tight jeans or scarily semi-transparent white Z. Cavaricci pants. His dad--played by George "I was James Bond once. Once." Lazenby--was some spy who got whacked for some computer disc that can contaminate! the city's entire! water supply! forever! (I guess it has some kind of water-soluble virus on it.) Vanity plays his dad's former partner or something, in a lot of spandex and bronze makeup and the two of them have to get dad's killer and find the disc.

And who was his dad's killer? None other than Gene Simmons. In drag. Yes, you read that right. Gene Simmons stole one of Cher's old wigs and a few of her cheesier outfits to play a transsexual or transvestite or hermaphrodite or something--the plot is vague on this, as it is with many things. Actually, this entire film feels as though it was generated by Mad Lib. And Gene Simmons has an army of Road Warrior-rejects to do his bidding, all done up in the best "punk" attire the crack-addled, clinically insane and underpaid wardrobe lady could come up with, including that ubiquitous spike/shag synthetic "punk" wig that appeared (usually with wraparound sunglasses) in every "punk" crowd scene during the 80's. (And I say underpaid because she had to measure Stamos for those pants. And Simmons for the gold lame corset. Let us shy away from Vanity's buckskin fringed bikini altogether.) As if all this weren't disturbing enough, Robert "Freddy Kreuger" Englund appears as Simmons' lackey. And sometimes they touch each other. In unsettling ways.

Other disturbing events? How about the seemingly endless and definitely pointless scene in which Vanity strips, hoses herself down, takes her top off and hoses herself down more while Stamos chomps down on a variety of apples and bananas like a 70-year-old redneck with a half-pound of tobacky stuck in his craw. How about the scene where Simmons unfurls the tongue that once rocked Detroit City and sticks it down the throat of Stamos? The array of really bad fake facial hair inexplicably sported by various characters throughout? No wonder Vanity left the entertainment industry and turned Christian: After just watching this movie, I felt like I should spend the next three years praying for forgiveness.

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10 out of 12 people found the following review useful:

The most delightfully crappy movie I've ever seen.

Author: Ivanhoe from North America
27 July 2001

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5

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11 out of 15 people found the following review useful:

I don't know what the others are thinkin..but this film is the phat!

Author: TheRealDeal ( from Charleston, South Carolina
20 July 2002

This movie is the great. I don't see how anyone could sit up and possibly say anything like some of the stuff I've read about this film from the other comments. Take it from me, a true non-biased critic that this movie Never Too Young To Die, is a great action film...Gene Simmons is awesome...Plays the hell out of that Hermaphrodite role..Vanity..beautiful and wonderful acting....Stamos is ok...but would have preferred to have seen Someone else play the role of Stargrove.. The film is a spy flict. full of action....and surprises..You also get to see Vanity half-naked...that's makes you want to watch it even more..Take it from me....if you like action movies with a twist, this is perfect....if you like deranged...strange....unique movies...go out and rent this right now

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9 out of 12 people found the following review useful:

Gene Simmons + Vanity + John Stamos = A Movie Garanteed to Satisfy

Author: Mondo-Cane from NH
30 September 2005

While I was browsing about in my local video store, noticing that all the new releases that I have not seen were recycled plots and actors made by the Hollywood hype machine I decided to venture into the vast library of catalog titles. I am very satisfied in doing so, for I would not have discovered this gem in the cinematic coal mine.

This film is pure balls to the wall kick ass fun. Unintentionally funny, action packed, and with a glimpse of 80's beauty Vanity's topless breasts leave the viewer happy he/she rented this item instead of (Insert sitcom to movie remake set in the modern times, stripping it of the greatness that made the sitcom a classic here).

Great to watch with a group of friends.

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6 out of 7 people found the following review useful:

Lance (John Stamos) takes on the sheman Ragnar (Gene Simmons) in an 80´s environment

Author: Jesper Gjerstrup ( from Copenhagen, Denmark
19 July 1999

This is the absolute worst movies I have ever seen. The plot sucks, the actors suck, and the script sucks. However this is what makes the movie absolutely excellent. The sheman Ragnar (Gene Simmons) has an evil plan to pollute a citydam by putting toxic in it. A device developed by the father of Lance (George Lazenby - ex 007) is needed and his evil rocker horde fights John Stamos over it. Fantastic ending sequence when Lance (John Stamos) forces the metal nail of Ragnar into the shemans neck followed by a 100 m drop into the dam.

John Stamos is a perfect cast with his shoulder-long Prince Valiant hair and so is Gene Simmons with his extravagant transvestite acting. I laughed through the hole thing. Candidate for the title worst production ever.

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4 out of 4 people found the following review useful:

For a true crowd-pleaser, seek out Never Too Young to Die!

Author: Comeuppance Reviews from United States Minor Outlying Islands
5 December 2011

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Drew Stargrove (Lazenby) is a top-secret super-agent who has discovered that an awful plot is hatching: The evil Ragnar (Simmons) is going to poison the water supply of the Los Angeles area. When the ruthless Ragnar kills Drew, his son, the younger, more mulleted Stargrove, Lance (Stamos) must pick up where his father left off. Teaming up with the beautiful Danja Deering (Vanity) and his roommate Cliff (Kwong), who is an inventor of wacky, but helpful gadgets (no parallels to James Bond here), they set off to stop Ragnar and his minions.

Where to start with this classic? Never Too Young To Die is a very, very fun and highly entertaining movie - they truly do NOT make 'em like this anymore. Lance Stargrove is a gymnast and Ragnar is a transvestite who performs under the name "Velvet". Any movie with George Lazenby, John Stamos, Vanity and Gene Simmons - not to mention Robert Englund - is going to be a rare gem indeed and the movie does not disappoint. To quote the back of the VHS box (released by Charter), Vanity and Stamos "...must take on the maniacal hermaphrodite." If that doesn't pique your interest in seeing the movie, you're probably dead. And they wrote that like it's no big, unusual thing. God bless the 80's.

Simmons really throws himself into the role he was clearly born to play. Perhaps a bit too much. John Stamos should have done more movies like this. His only other role that's even a little bit similar is as the awesomely-named Grady Westerfall in Born to Ride (1991). There really should have been a Stargrove sequel - even a franchise, like Bond. They certainly say the name enough times, in true Brakus fashion. The whole thing was directed by Gil Bettman, who later directed Night Vision (1997). But this was indisputably his finest hour.

The movie tries to marry the action to typically-80's comedy stylings, and the whole movie, from the names of the characters on down, has a very comic-booky feel. This was typical of the time as movies like The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) and The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984), among other examples, clearly shows.

Thanks to all the weird, goofy, wacky and funny scenarios, time speeds by when watching this gem. The theme song by Tommie Lee Bradley is memorable as well.

For a true crowd-pleaser, seek out Never Too Young to Die.

To check out out more action insanity, please visit:

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3 out of 3 people found the following review useful:

On the eighth day, God created this movie...

Author: utgard14 from USA
13 March 2014

This has to be seen to be believed. John Stamos plays college gymnast Lance Stargrove whose father is a super spy that still finds time to send him care packages. When Dad is killed by hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons), Stargrove teams with sexy spy Danja Deering (Vanity) to get revenge. Oh yeah, Simmons wants to poison the water supply with radioactive waste or something.

Stamos brings perfect hair to his role, which is the most important thing. There are lots of scenes of him doing gymnastics. Perhaps the director was a fan of '80s classic Gymkata. He also rides a dirt bike because in the '80s dirt bikes were cool. One of the many highlights of the movie is when Stamos is being beaten up by two of Simmons' thugs. He is crying like a little baby but then he sees a picture of his dad. Suddenly he's like Popeye on a spinach high and he kicks the crap out of the bad guys ("The name's not scumbag, it's Stargrove! Lance Stargrove!").

Vanity is a stone fox, as usual. She also has a nude scene, as usual. Her seduction of John Stamos I will mock publicly but privately I thought it was hot! Gene Simmons is gross to look at dressed in drag but a hoot hamming it up as the super villain. Seeing him flirt with Stamos is priceless. He also likes to use his middle finger for...well, I won't spoil it. There's an Asian inventor friend of Stamos' who, at one point in the film, wears an outfit that is practically every color known to man. George Lazenby plays the spy dad. I'm sure some casting director beamed from ear to ear over that ingenious casting. He dresses like a Ghost Buster and uses a bulletproof umbrella as a shield. In a scene that I'm certain was the actor breaking the fourth wall, Lazenby says to Simmons "Oh come on, this is stupid."

The movie is filled with laughably cheesy music. The song that plays during Stamos' first scene keeps repeating his character's name "Stargrove" over and over. Simmons gets to sing during his club routine ("Yeeeah!"). There's also a rather cheesetastic tune that plays leading up to Stamos taking Vanity to Pound Town.

This is the kind of movie you just don't see anymore. These days when they try to do trash like this, it's always so self-aware and obvious that it takes the fun out of it. Truly "so-bad-it's-good" flicks don't try to be bad on purpose. If you ever wondered what Uncle Jesse did before Full House, all your questions will be answered here. This movie is so awesome it will change your life. If you watch this, it will make a man out of you. So female viewers beware.

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4 out of 5 people found the following review useful:

WOW, great movie for the 1986. Year I was born.

Author: ajurries from United States
15 January 2006

I just bought this and can't stop watching it. I love Gene Simmons and I'm a big fan of him and KISS. Seeing him as half man and half woman was hilarious. Probably not the right career move, but it's a good movie, even to watch now in 2006. Well Gene Simmons plays two parts, one as Carruthers and the other as Velvet Von Ragner.

It will have you thinking what's going on next and maybe at the end of your seat. Well maybe not at the end of seat, but still it's Gene Simmons, so you got to love it. Hope you enjoy, I sure did-well still do.

Oh and there is a sex scene with John Stamos and Vanity. Doesn't show much, but it does show some of Vanity naked. I don't think this is a good movie for kids under 17 so see b/c there is blood and such too. A lot of violence (well not a lot, about average).

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5 out of 7 people found the following review useful:

Wow ...

Author: Bjorn Skurj from Hyde Park, NY
24 July 2001

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

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