The Money Pit (1986)
Walter: There is a house I want to buy.
Benny: Let's just cut to the chase, Okay? What do you want?
Walter: I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.
Benny: You shout at me?
Walter: I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me.
Benny: No, I won't!
Walter: Yes, you will!
Benny: No, No, No!
Walter: Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year.
Benny: So what?
Walter: Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...
Benny: You'll what? Huh? You'll what?
Walter: I'll... not like you any more!
Benny: ...All right.
Max: [to Walter] Do you realize what you've done? You've taken a woman who loves you, one of the great women in the world and thrown her away. I lost her too, but I will get over it because I am shallow and self-centered. But you, you wont, because you are "complex". You will feel terrible anguish for the rest of your life. This is turning out to be a pretty good day.
[Jack is being taken on an ambulance after losing his breath on the jogging track]
Jack: I'm fine really.
Paramedic: Take it easy Mr. Schidntmann
Walter: Has this ever happened to you before?
Paramedic: Seven times in the past five months.
Walter: I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape.
Jack: It is.
Paramedic: Yeah thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance.
Walter: Oh, Anna, thank God it's you! Thank God!
Walter: Thank God you're here, honey!
Anna: Is that you?
Walter: Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!
Walter: Farm animals or geese or chickens...
Anna: Are you alright?
Walter: No, I'm not alright.
Anna: Where are you?
Walter: I'm in the den!
Anna: No you're not, I was just in there...
Walter: I'm in the den! I swear it! Please believe me!
Anna: Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired!
Walter: I'm right here.
Anna: Look, Walter, enough is enough!
Walter: I'M RIGHT HERE!
Walter: In the floor behind the chair.
Walter: Laughing, huh? We're laughing.
[Walter has missed a meeting with the permit man, who got steamed and left]
Curly: If he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.
Walter: When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?
Curly: Two weeks.
Walter: Two weeks? Two weeks?
Curly: You sound like a parakeet there. "Two weeks! Two weeks!"
Walter: Well, two weeks. It- it's amazing.
Curly: Amazing nothing. It'll be a regular miracle.
Walter: Mozart? Mozart is dead, his problems are over, help MEEE...
[Walter sees the new stairs that had been built]
Walter: Stairs! Ha! A Staircase! We have stairs!
[Dances happily on them]
Walter: Oh hello Mr. Stairs I've missed you.
Walter: What happened?
Curly: It was no picnic but those guys are work animals. Well everything looks pretty much under control.
Walter: It does?
Curly: Well not to the layman's eyes of course.
Walter: They completely ripped up my house!
Curly: They sure as hell did didn't they? They really ripped the guts out of it. They're work animals I tell you. Look at those holes huh? Then you've got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles. Animals!
Curly: Well I like a good conversation as much as any but I've got to run. Hasta Pronto if you know what I mean.
Walter: You're leaving?
Curly: Well I ain't moving in.
Walter: I'm not trying to tell you your business but you haven't even looked at my pipes.
Brad Shirk: I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?
Max: The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch in spite of the way you've played. Those of you with conscience's will not be able to eat. And those who conscience's match your talents, go stuff yourselves I hope you choke!
Walter: [on the phone trying to locate a plumber] Hi! We're having a little trouble with our pipes, and I was - uh, Fielding, Walter Fielding... Well, there's no reason why should have heard of me... no, that's not a Jewish name... how much do I make a year? Well, how much do you make a year? Really!... Yale, I went to Yale...
Walter: Look, get out of my life, would ya!
[slams the phone down]
Montgomery Shrapp: [knocking on the front door] Fielding?
Walter: [stuck in the floor and can't answer the door] Hel - Hello! Hello, I'm here!
Montgomery Shrapp: Are you in there Fielding?
Walter: Y-yes, I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout. Ow-ow-ow-ow.
Montgomery Shrapp: [thinking Walter is laughing at him] Okay Fielding!
[starts to leave]
Montgomery Shrapp: I can hear you in there laughing at me. This is it you duck fart! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! You hear me Fielding?
Walter: Y-yes, I hear you!
Montgomery Shrapp: I'm tearing up your permits! There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!
Walter: Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him.
Walter: It's a big house, we'll divide it up! You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!
Anna: That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.
Walter: I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in you life.
Anna: You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.
Walter: Thank goodness it's not that often.
Anna: [yelling] All right, that's it! I've had it with you, and the house, and Max, and the orchestra and everything! How long will it take to put this house together?
Curly: Two weeks.
[Walter and all the workers start laughing]
Anna: We'll stick it out 'til the house is done.
[Walter and Anna are discussing the possibility of buying the house]
Walter: You know what this is? This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.
Walter: Yeah! You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be "wrong" with it - otherwise everyone else would be on it - so you waste three hours!
Anna: I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.
Water Fielding: Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter? Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber!
Anna Crowley: Really? A brother who's a plumber?
Water Fielding: I think so.
Anna Crowley: Do you think I should sleep with him?
Water Fielding: Maybe just this once.
Walter Fielding: Just because they showed up to collect the money, is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work... and if they do... I can't pay for it!
Anna: Well, the turkey's done.
Walter: So's the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my tastes. Let's not go there again.
Walter: [Walter is on the phone with the permit inspector] Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon. What can I say? My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital... Well, what would cut any ice with you?... A bribe? Sure, can you be here in a half an hour? All right. Cash, no problem.
[Anna is negotiating with Max, for money to repair the house]
Max: All you want to talk about is money, let's talk about love, and sex... forget love, let's just talk about sex.
'Cheap Girl' # 1: We want to change the name of the band.
Walter: You can't do that! You've spent years making your name a household word. Your name is perfect! Cheap Girls. I love it.
'Cheap Girl' # 1: I'm not sure it's us. We want to call ourselves Meryl Streep.
Walter: No, no you cannot call yourselves Meryl Streep.
'Cheap Girl' # 1: Maybe she'll be flattered!
Walter: No, in fact considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.
[Walter tells Anna they're leaving]
Walter: Forget it, you are not calling yourselves Meryl Streep.
'Cheap Girl' # 1: How 'bout Debbie Reynolds?
Estelle: You think you know somebody after 25 years. And then one day, Israeli Intelligence comes to the door.
Anna: "Israeli Intelligence".
Estelle: Last Tuesday. That's why I've gotta sell the house. It turns out, Carlos was Hitler's pool man.
Estelle: I'm desperate! Can we close?
Walter: We need a little time to...
Estelle: There is no time! Extradition is Friday.
Anna: I'll tell you later.
Estelle: I need an answer by the close of business tomorrow.
Walter: Oh, you'll have it. By the way, you have the most beautifully kept pool I've ever seen.
[Estelle breaks down and starts crying]
Walter: What did I say? What did I say?
Max: [taking brush from a painter] UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN! Strong strokes! PAINT! Don't tickle. And don't smoke!
[steals his cigarette]
Walter: Hear about that guy up in the Bronx? Just went crazy; thought he was a pigeon. They've found him in the park, throwing breadcrumbs at himself.
Anna: I was just lighting the oven!
Walter: Just lighting... you could've been killed. We could've all died!
Anna: Oh, well thank you very much! I'm not completely helpless in the kitchen, I do know how to light an oven!
Walter: Well yeah, but- you mean this thing works?
Anna: So far, so good.
Walter: [Anna is running toward the stairs that have collapsed] THE STAIRS ARE OUT!
[Anna stops right at the edge]
Walter: Honey, you're standing on my fingers.
[Anna steps back and Walter lets go, falling to the first floor]
Walter: It doesn't make any sense, why would somebody be selling a million dollar house for a hundred thousand?
Jack: Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks, a scandal. The point is you get to capitalize on another human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate. So do we have a deal?
Walter: [Stuck in the floor] The permit man was here.
Anna: Oh? That's good.
[starts trying to free Walter]
Walter: No, no. Now tomorrow I'm going to have to take off work, drive down to his office, and kiss his ass-
[abruptly falls through the floor to the story below]
Walter: [to Anna] Well, thanks to that fall, we're now the same height.
Art Shirk: Aren't you going to invite me in for a drink?
Water Fielding: Oh, yes. How silly of me, it's eleven-thirty, you must be parched.
Estelle: [as she lights a candelabra] I'm trying to save a few bucks on the lights... for the blood-sucking lawyers.
Curly: I'm from Shirk Brothers. Your name came up in the drawing. We work today.
Walter: That's good. Where is Brad?
Curly: Oh, south of France I think.
Walter: Well, shouldn't he be here?
Curly: Oh, Brad is the executive plumber. We do all the work.