8 items from 2009
Chicago – Here’s one of the year’s lamest excuses for children’s entertainment. Like “Shorts” and “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs,” it assumes that young minds crave little more than frantic and shrill zaniness. Producer Jerry Bruckheimer views kids in the same way he views adults: as human guinea pigs in need of being dumbed down.
Like his equally abysmal “Kangaroo Jack,” “G-Force” is an adult action comedy that just happens to feature animated characters. In its theatrical format, the film pushed the boundaries of 3D effects, culminating in an experience as headache-inducing and empty headed as James Cameron’s “Avatar.” Its 2D presentation on Blu-ray is vastly preferable, though the film still amounts to little more than a cynical exercise in special effects technology, complete with awful dialogue, uninspired animation and a script assembled out of the most audience-insulting cliches.
Blu-Ray Rating: 1.5/5.0
First-time feature director Hoyt Yeatman »
- firstname.lastname@example.org (Adam Fendelman)
Today, Roland Emmerich's latest world-ending epic, "2012," hits theaters. John Cusack, Amanda Peet and their pals race around the world, beholding one scene of devastation after another as an eco-catastrophe tears the planet apart. The story's premise is built on the belief that the apocalypse will come in the year 2012, as foretold by the Mayan calendar.
Unfortunately for Mr. Emmerich, Hollywood has already trashed the lovely planet Earth roughly a bazillion times over. From viral outbreaks to zombie uprisings, global warming to alien incursions... the people of this world have seen, suffered through and been almost completely annihilated by any threat you can imagine. Looking back through Hollywood history, the world was wiped out countless times, and long before the year 2012.
For any movies where the time of the apocalypse isn't specified, it's a safe bet that the action occurs in the "present day" in which the movie was made. »
- Adam Rosenberg
See the first part of this article here.
Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley is just hanging out on the intergalactic transport ship Nostromo, leading the often-dull life of a Space Teamster, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, her idiot captain decides to land on the remote planet Lv-426 to investigate some stupid distress signal emanating from a crashed spaceship. Now, as we all know, responding to distress signals is one of the top five most insanely boneheaded tactical decisions any science-fiction/horror space traveler can possibly make, but this doesn’t stop Captain Numbnuts from ordering his crew to get their asses down there and dope out the spooky alien wreckage.
Of course, once they go down to investigate, some dumbass crewmember decides it would be totally hilarious to stick his face in one of the strange egglike things he finds in the smoldering wreckage of the derelict ship. »
- email@example.com (Ben Thompson and Clay Thompson)
"They're all gonna laugh at you!" Someone should have told that to the original producers of the '80s Broadway dud Carrie: The Musical . It would've spared them some pain. Alas, the show went on and after only five performances it fell harder than a bucket of pig's blood. When I worked in Manhattan, a recording of one performance landed in my lap. While interesting, none of it worked. Over two decades later, six figures are being pumped into a revitalized Carrie: The Musical . Behind this endeavor are Jeffrey Seller and Kevin McCollum (of Rent , Avenue Q , West Side Story ). Why the fascination to try and tell Stephen King's '74 tome as a musical is beyond me. What - is no one interested in bringing Maximum Overdrive to the stage? I'd see that. For »
Movieside's Music Box Massacre 5 comes to Chicago's Historic Music Box Theatre on October 10th, and in addition to giving you the full details on the event - Fango's giving away 3 pairs of passes to the annual 24-hour horror event!
Chicago icon Stuart Gordon joins the Music Box Massacre 5 (Oct 10.) screening his Masters Of Horror episode, The Black Cat (starring Jeffrey Combs) which is a fictitious portrayal of Edgar Allan Poe spiraling into madness while writing the classic tale "The Black Cat." In addition, Gordon's Re-animator and From Beyond will be screened.
In addition to having Stuart appear - Chicago residents Tim Kazurinski (Saturday Night Live, Shakes the Clown) and Greg Holliman (Strangers with Candy) will be reading poetry selections from Edgar Allan Poe's work.
Here's the full details on what you can expect at Music Box Massacre 5:
24-hours-of-horror-movie-Madness!!! October 10, 2009
Music Box Theatre | 3733 N. Southport Ave., Chicago, Il 60613 | 1.773.871.6604 | Noon 'til Noon! »
- firstname.lastname@example.org (James Zahn)
Dutch Southern has a new t-shirt called "Product Placement", a design created by Josh Eacret. It's a tribute to the fake products and companies found in movies, and to the filmmakers who didn't want to sell out or get sued by real corporations. Each logo is accurately recreated in painstakingly detail by Josh Eacret's hand. After the jump you can find a complete listing of the fictional companies listed, and which movies they appeared in. The products and companies include: Elsinore Beer - Strange Brew Cyberdyne Systems - Terminator Weyland Yutani - Alien Chico's Bail Bonds - Bad News Bears Paper Street Soap Company - Fight Club Spatula City - Uhf S-mart - Army of Darkness Smeat - Waterworld Dapper Dan - O Brother, Where Art Thou Doc Hopper's Frog Legs - The Muppet Movie Death Records - Phantom of the Paradise Winkies - Mulholland Drive Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems - »
- Peter Sciretta
The spirit of Halloween arrives every month in Hack/Slash. Costumed characters straight out of an 80’s horror flick do battle with a sexy but confused babe named Cassie Hack and her ugly monster man sidekick, Vlad. It’s fun, especially when you grab a candy bar and turn the lights out for some candles and a spooky Vincent Price CD. Okay, I’m getting into the Halloween spirit a little too much here for a comic book, but you have to admit, if you love October 31st like I do, then this might not be a bad idea. Just don’t smash pumpkins every month.
Hack/Slash – Issues #24-25
- email@example.com (Mike Fish)
Disclaimer: This article may contain sarcasm; irony and “LOLs” proceed with caution.
The Final Chapter (read Part 2 here)! We have Howard the Duck, Freejack and Shyamalan flicks on the list; these are never good signs. Nonetheless we are bringing it all to you in full-color and in 3-D. (Ed. Note: Due to the economy, 3-D has been dropped and will be replaced by Smell-o-vision — check for your scratch and sniff cards in about 4-6 weeks.) Best Sound went to rage-zombie veterans Ian Tapp and Richard Pryke, leaving Mark Weingarten who worked on Rejuvenatrix in the dust. The Sound Editing section contains one too many references to Ron Silver, and at least two references to a Roger Corman film.
- Heather Buckley
8 items from 2009
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