Jumpin' Jack Flash (1986)
[Trying to decipher Jumpin' Jack Flash's lyrics]
Terry Doolittle: I was raised by two lesbians? Come on, Mick. Fuck a duck!
Terry Doolittle: I'm a little black woman in a big silver box. On the top of it it says "phone".
Terry Doolittle: [screams] Help!
Terry Doolittle: Do the world a favor! Get yourself an office! With a desk! And a lamp!
[trying to decipher the lyrics to Jumpin' Jack Flash]
Terry Doolittle: Mick, Mick, Mick! Speak English!
Terry Doolittle: [into phone] You want a quarter? Kiss my ass! Find me in New York for this fucking quarter!
[at a spa]
Terry Doolittle: What the fuck are you running here, Wild Kingdom?
Mr. Van Meter: Do you mean you're a civilian? You don't know anything about this, do you?
Terry Doolittle: I don't know *dick* about this! Except some guy calling himself "Jumpin' Jack Flash" taps into my computer! Tells me I gotta go to his house and get a frying pan! To call Van Halen... Van Morrison...
Mr. Van Meter: Van Meter.
Terry Doolittle: ...Van Meter!
Terry Doolittle: Drag the river! There are killers running around the fucking city!
Detective: How would you like me to wash your mouth out with a wire brush?
Terry Doolittle: How would you like if I kicked you in the nuts so hard they get lodged in your fucking nostrils?
Marty Phillips: My, that's a vivid image, isn't it?
Detective: Is she on some kind of medication?
Marty Phillips: Not that I know of. Are you on some kind of medication?
Terry Doolittle: Marty! You know, you can talk directly to me, asshole.
Terry Doolittle: [talking to a police detective who assumes she's a prostitute] What is it with you people? Every time you see a black woman there has to be a pimp or a john? What, do you think there's a lot of work down on the pier for hookers? Do you think I'm giving blow jobs down there to goldfish?
Terry Doolittle: Look, he's been shopping at Walgreens again. He's got his Brut collection.
Doug: Hey, at least I'm always ready for ladies.
Terry Doolittle: Hey man, try some soap, you know?
Doug: I did. It got lonely.
Marty Phillips: [noticing Terry's dress, which has recently been partially run through a shredder] Am I just square, or is there something wrong with your dress?
Terry Doolittle: [glares at him] I got moths. Big, mutant, junkie *moths*!
Marty Phillips: Jesus, Terry. You got a dead guy, you got cops, you got your apartment trashed... what are you getting involved in? What are you doing?
Terry Doolittle: I'm... winging it!
Marty Phillips: [exasperated] Oh, you're winging it!
Terry Doolittle: Yes, I'm winging it, Marty!
Marty Phillips: Well, that's great!
Terry Doolittle: Why, thank you!
[She herds him out the door]
Marty Phillips: Terry...
[She slams the door in his face]
Terry Doolittle: [typing and speaking aloud] What else can I do?
Jack, actual text: [NEED YOU TO CONTACT OTHER AGENTS]
Terry Doolittle: [reading aloud] "Need other c - " Are you crazy? You need more contacts? I work at a bank!
Terry Doolittle: [typing aloud] Who?
Terry Doolittle: [reading aloud] "First go to my apartment in New York and get something for me." God, what do you need? A trenchcoat? A camera? Microfilm! Ooh, ooh...
Terry Doolittle: [typing aloud] What?
Terry Doolittle: [reading aloud] "A frying pan." I'd have probably thought about that next.
Terry Doolittle: Dog's barking, can't fly without umbrella.
Male Broadcaster: [click] ... House has issued a series of clarifications of several of the President's statements at his nationally televised news conference last night. In addition to responding to a question about abortion with a three-minute answer about taxes and confusing his Attorney General with his Chief of Staff, the President apparently forgot that Hawaii is a State, referring to it as, "one of our strongest allies in the Pacific." A White House spokesman explained that the President had been thrown off by the intensity of the previous question. And finally, FBI agents have arrested Air Force Sergeant Michael Prescott in connection with a plot to sell weapons secrets to an unnamed foreign government. Prescott was arrested last night in a Staten Island supermarket. Turning to weather, the city remains in the grip of a cold spell. The temperature in Central Park dropped to 36 degrees overnight. The current midtown temperature at 6:59 is a brisk 39 degrees. Next news and weather again at eight o'clock. Now back to the hits on New York's "more music" station.
Terry Doolittle: There is a dead man, floating around in the river!
Terry Doolittle: This is great. I mean, I'm down here at 1:30 in the morning on the docks. I should just pin a hundred dollar bill to my ass and scream "Victim here! Victim here!"
Terry Doolittle: I didn't know that's what happens when you put Ex-Lax in tea.
[Terry comes in wielding a gun]
Gillian, Embassy Receptionist: Do you want a hostage? I've been trained to be a hostage.
[Terry cuts off the Russian video from her computer monitor]
Fred, 1st National Bank: You should have left it on. It's almost time for "Leave it to Brezhnev."
Terry Doolittle: No, it's not. It's time for "Gilligan's Gulag."
Jeremy Talbott: [to his thugs] Don't kill her.
Terry Doolittle: No, no. Don't kill me. You're right.
Jeremy Talbott: She's worthless dead.
Terry Doolittle: Listen to the man.
Jeremy Talbott: We've got to be sure.
Terry Doolittle: That's right, Mr. Talbot.
Jeremy Talbott: So shoot her in the legs.
Terry Doolittle: [while she is drugged with truth serum] Look what they did to this woman - she looks *terrible*!
Receptionist at Elizabeth Arden: It's a man.
Terry Doolittle: I've just had several of the worst days in my young life, Mr. Page, and the last thing I need is some jighead like you to be screaming at me in a whiny voice. If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna snatch this badboy off your head
[pulls off Page's toupee, he gasps]
Terry Doolittle: and ram it up your ol' chocolate whizway.
Archer Lincoln: Do you know what a pawn is?
Terry Doolittle: [sarcastically] Yes, it's a shrimp.
Archer Lincoln: That's a prawn. A pawn...
Terry Doolittle: ...is the smallest piece on the chessboard!
Archer Lincoln: And the most expendable.
Archer Lincoln: Amateur night, Miss Doolittle, is over. Get off the stage before you get carried off.
Jack: Knock knock.
Terry Doolittle: Leave me alone.
Jack: I'm sorry. Unavoidably delayed in London. Queen thanks you.
Terry Doolittle: [typing] Frankly, I don't give a shit about the queen. I did give a shit about you, however. I sat in that restaurant feeling stupid. And hurt.
Terry Doolittle: [stops typing] I mean, what happened to you? All you had to do was come and say "hi" or "thanks" or something. I mean you just left me sitting there. But no, you sent me to a restaurant with shitty bread sticks.
Jack: Sorry. I still want to to take you to dinner.
Terry Doolittle: [typing] Next time I'm in London, I'll look you up.
Terry Doolittle: Liz! Liz! Liz! KGB!
Liz Carlson: Not in front of the kids!
Kristi Carlson: Can I write "KGB" on the cake?
Liz Carlson: No, you may not.
Marty Phillips: [after shootout ensues and the criminals are apprehended] Anything you want me to tell Jack?
Terry Doolittle: Yeah. You can tell him not to forget our date.
Cynthia: All this is for a date?
[while she is being chased by thugs]
Terry Doolittle: I got diseases... I got shit that will make your dick fall off!