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Roger Cobb is a Vietnam vet whose career as a horror novelist has taken a turn for the worse when his son Jimmy mysteriously disappears while visiting his aunt's house. Roger's search for Jimmy destroys his marriage and his writing career. The sudden death of his aunt brings Roger back to the house where his nightmares began. The evil zombies in the house force Roger to endure a harrowing journey into his past. Written by
Arthur de Boom <Raindance26@yahoo.com>
Let me start by saying that I love watching B horror movies and I watch them constantly. I get a kick out of how bad they are, with their low budgets and lousy special effects - it's always good for a laugh, and usually more than one. But there's a fine line between a B movie that is bad in a funny, enjoyable way and one that is so god awful, it makes you want to hunt down and kill the creators.
As you may have guessed from my 1 out of 10 star rating, House is of the second variety. Where to begin...?
First things first -- you'll find this film in the horror section of your video store -- wrong! House is not a horror film any more than Schindler's List is a slapstick comedy. There is nothing scary about the film, nothing creepy or even remotely macabre (other than the wardrobe and hairstyling choices, which are a whole different world of scary.)
The film places itself in the "horror-comedy" genre, a dubious genre which has birthed far more bad movies than good. House doesn't get either part of the genre correct -- as I said, it isn't scary and the humor is so insipid, poorly written and horribly acted that it's more likely to make you angry than it is to cause even the faintest chuckle.
In my opinion, there is nothing worse than unfunny comedy. It's just an embarrassment for all of humanity. The animal kingdom sees these kinds of films and mocks the human race.
The comedy in House is the equivalent of what you'd get if you gave an 11 year old with attention deficit disorder a video camera for a day, along with a bottle of caffeine and a pipe full of crack. Every "joke" falls flat, every visual gag is poorly filmed, every bit of physical comedy is sloppily choreographed and looks unintentional at best. I'm not sure how an entire cast and crew of a film could all make something so completely unfunny. Did no- one stand up and say, "hey...you know what...big goggles and army fatigues don't make this lousy film comedic."
In addition, House also sports an utterly pointless, rambling plot that literally feels like it was written as the camera was rolling. Without being a spoiler, suffice it to say that any script that incorporates elderly suicide, child abduction, Vietnam flashbacks, magic doors, puppet monsters, a haunted house AND George Wendt is special. And I don't mean special like a unicorn, I mean short-bus special.
It boggles the mind to think that a film that so completely fails could get made and still be around twenty years later. I guess that is a testament to the cultural deficit of the 80's and the lunatic idiocy of Hollywood producers.
Don't ever watch this film. Even if it's free...even if you are offered money to watch it. Even if you are offered A LOT of money to watch it. You may be slightly richer, but you'll be left dead on the inside. This film doesn't deserve one star. This film is a collapsed star, resulting in a void in space-time with an incredible gravitational pull that sucks every ounce of happiness from your life for the 93 minutes you spend with it.
You've been warned.
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