Club Paradise (1986)
Barry Steinberg: [Watching a pro diver take a spectacular cliff dive off a waterfall with small crowd] I could have done that dive if I didn't have the diarrhea.
Jack Moniker: I heard about this guy in Cicero, well he stiffed a loanshark, so a couple of these guys got him, cut off his arm, beat him to death with the arm, and shoved it in a food processor and made a dip out of it. Then they served it to his family at his sister's wedding. And the sister loved it so much, she wanted the recipe. It's a crazy world, isn't it?
Jack Moniker: Tree, what's happenin'?
[Tree offers Jack marijuana]
Jack Moniker: Oooooh, no thanks. Last time I smoked that stuff they found me on top of the Sears tower trying to build a nest.
Barry Steinberg: So, the deal is we're driving up into the jungle with a guy we don't even know who's wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night. We should hand him our wallets and slit our own throats.
Jack Moniker: I got a little paranoid and thought people were out to get me. Now I know, they are.
Jack Moniker: In this country, the Constitution is written in pencil.
Jack Moniker: [takes a breath in the oxygen mask, then to Earnest, in a high voice] Now you stay here and honk if there's any troub...
[realizes his voice is higher]
Jack Moniker: Wait a minute!
[takes another breath in the mask, then annoyed]
Jack Moniker: This thing's helium. Goddamnit, I brought the wrong tank!
Terry Hamlin: It is so Lovely here.
Governor Anthony Cloyden Hayes: I hate beauty. Do you realize how boring it gets looking at beauty day in and day out? Anyway, It can't last much longer.
Terry Hamlin: Are you always this cheerful in the morning?
Governor Anthony Cloyden Hayes: Either the Americans will move in and turn it into Miami Beach, or the Cubans and Russians will come and turn the whole island into bloody Albania. There really is no hope. Islands like St. Nicholas make such nice missle bases, naval stations, money laundries.
Terry Hamlin: Well if there isn't any hope why don't you leave? Go to New York or London?
Governor Anthony Cloyden Hayes: No. If the world is going to hell in a bucket, I want to hold the handle.
Jack Moniker: I once met a proud, black man such as yourself, and I gave him a small piece of advise: wear one glove, just one glove. Do you know who that was?
Ernest Reed: No.
Jack Moniker: Willie Mays.
Jack Moniker: Your Excellency. You're looking elegant this evening. Why are we graced with your imperial presence?
Governor Anthony Cloyden Hayes: The fact is, one can smell the suntan oil and the frying female flesh right across the island. I was curious to see what was going on at this perverted passion pit you're running here. This orgy bin. Whatever you call this drug-crazed nipple ranch.
Jack Moniker: Check it out. What about those two?
Barry Steinberg: Eh... I don't think they're interested.
Barry Nye: Too tall.
Jack Moniker: Come on. They were just talking to me about you.
Barry Steinberg: No.
Barry Nye: Really? Then what?
Jack Moniker: They said you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stood up for you. I said you were.