About Last Night... (1986)
Debbie: Bullshit. You don't know what love is. You've gotten everything you have always wanted and now you're feeling sorry for yourself because there's something you want and you can't have it. But you had it! I gave you love. But you asked me to leave and I left.
Bernie: Was that the chick from last night?
Danny: Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.
Bernie: Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.
Danny: Hey, know one thing - I never screwed around on you.
Debbie: Oh, well, let's just give the boy a medal! I didn't realise it was such a sacrifice.
Bernie: I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys gotta do. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go home, make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas.
[Joan reads a story at Kindergarten]
Joan: 'And the Virgin Mary descended upon... '
Kid #1: What's a virgin?
Joan: A virgin is someone who's never had sex.
Kid #2: What's sex?
Joan: Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.
Kid #3: Are you a virgin?
Kid #3: Do you have a baby?
Joan: No. People who don't want babies also have sex.
Kid #3: What for?
Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes.
Bernie: [Danny tells Bernie that he told Debbie he loves her] Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!
Bernie: Who said it first?
Danny: I did.
Bernie: Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!
Bernie: Was it before you came, or after?
Bernie: What do you do?
Bernie: Well, yeah for a living?
Joan: I'm a neurosurgeon, you?
Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?
Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.
Danny: He is a better human being than that bitch on wheels you've got for a friend!
Joan: So, did you have a nice evening?
Debbie: Yes. And I crawled away in shame.
Joan: Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?
Debbie: I can't believe I slept with him on the first date!
Joan: It wasn't even a date, Deb.
Debbie: [rolls eyes] Thank you.
Debbie: I tell you, though. I couldn't help myself, because he is *so* gorgeous.
Joan: But can he type?
Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.
Joan: Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.
Debbie: Stop it.
Joan: Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.
Debbie: You're talking about 5 year olds!
Joan: Right! and my job is to break their spirit. That is what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it, think about it.
Bernie: You know what your problem is? Your face. Come on, you're too good-looking. Girls go out with you and get nervous. They feel dumpy, they don't want to compete. They want a guy like... like me. A guy who'll make them look good. A basic Neanderthal type. The swarthy type. A man's man.
Bernie: You know something Joan, if you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head.
Joan: And you are a schizophrenic, psychopathic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.
Bernie: So you want to dance or what?
Debbie: That 2nd baseman's got a really nice ass.
Joan: I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.
Danny: Yo, Gus. How about a refill?
Gus: Yo, Dan. You know where the coffee is.
Danny: I'm trying to impress my date.
Gus: Then you shouldn't have brought her here.
Man in Joan's Apartment: [emerging from bedroom half-dressed] What's breakfast?
Joan: Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.
Joan: Oh, God! Another smoker! Look, do you mind?
Danny: Oh, sorry, didn't know you were eating.
[Joan snuffs the cigarette in the sink]
Joan: There. I just added another seven minutes to your life... it's alright, I don't expect a thank you.
Danny: Thank you.
Bernie: Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the fuck, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?
Bernie: To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?
Bernie: Forget it.
Bernie: I stole it
Danny: You did not.
Bernie: Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.
[about a workshop on relationships]
Joan: Men and women - sharing, working out their hate.
Debbie: I'm sick of hating. I mean, God, Joan. I don't think I have any hate left.
Joan: Yes you do - you just don't know it.
Danny: That's good! Now maybe you could find it in your heart to take this thing and shove it up your ass.
Steve Carlson: I thought we had something kind of special.
Debbie: No, it was kind of sleazy. And now... it's kind of over.
Joan: Oh god, Pat's going in for the kill. Oh my! That was a nice turn.
Debbie: With just a hint of giddiness.
Joan: Her big move should be coming up any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.
Debbie: There is a 3.2 level of difficulty here. Joan let's see if she can pull it off.
Joan: This is it... this is it... Oh Yes!
Debbie: Oh Yes! Yes! Oh Bravo! Bravo! 9.0!
Debbie: This is Joan, my roommate. She specializes in unsolicited attacks.
Bernie: Interesting broad. Where'd she develop her personality? A car crash?
Bernie: You don't go here. You don't go there. You're about as much fun as a stick.
Joan: Give me a gin and tonic.
Mother Malone: Last call was ten minutes ago...
Joan: Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.
Mother Malone: Just one.
Joan: So, worried much about western civilization?
Danny: Not really. Not tonight.
Joan: It's collapsing, or hadn't you notice?
Danny: I live in a pretty good neighborhood.
Debbie: Would you stop following me around. I don't want to have to start drinking in the suburbs.
[about their ended relationship]
Danny: I think I thought it was going to be different than it...
Debbie: than what it was really like? Me, too. Maybe we were just - too naive.
Danny: Yeah, maybe. Maybe we knew too much.
[Danny makes fun of Joan when she comes in with a cake]
Danny: Joanie! God, she looks grea... Oh, and she baked us a pie!
Joan: Your vulgarian friend is downstairs, denting innocent people's fenders.
Danny: [shouts down the stair hallway] Yoooo, Litko!
Mr. Favio: You know what you are, Martin? You're a 14-carat fuck-up, that's what you are.
Danny: Something wrong?
Mr. Favio: Goddamn smartmouth. Jesus, you got a mouth! You think people like that mouth? You think customers like it? Mr Big Shot. How come you didn't cut off that dump on canal street?
Danny: The Swallow?
Mr. Favio: Awww, I say dump and he immediately connects with the Swallow! You know what a swallow is?
Danny: Oh let me guess, it's a bird?
Mr. Favio: Yeah it's a bird, a loser bird, a dodo!
Mr. Favio: Business is business! You cut the son of a bitch off!
Danny: Oh, fuck you!
Mr. Favio: Fuck me? Fuck you!
Danny: Fuck You!
Mr. Favio: Fuck You, Martin!
Bernie: Ah, Mr Favio?
Bernie: Fuck you!
Debbie: You know, they're gonna come at me tomorrow, like savages; marauding beasts, bent on destruction.
Debbie: You're talking about 5-year-olds.
Joan: Yes, and my job is to break their spirit. that's what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it Deborah, think about that.