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- [ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
- Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.
- ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
- Willie: Hence the term "musical."
- ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
- Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
- ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
- Willie: "Cats."
- ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
- Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
- ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
- Willie: That's only if you want a job.
- ALF: Pass.
- [pause]
- ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
- Willie: ALF...
- ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
- Willie: ALF.
- ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
- Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
- ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
- Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
- ALF: Forty. Why?
- [ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
- ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
- Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
- ALF: The day they met me?
- Lynn: Think again.
- ALF: The day after they met me.
- Lynn: Keep thinking.
- ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.
- ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
- ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
- Willie: Go back to the tent.
- ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
- Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
- ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
- [spitting water sound]
- ALF: .
- Willie: That was my new garden hose.
- ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
- Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
- Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.
- [ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
- ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
- ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
- Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
- ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
- ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
- ALF: I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...
- [points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
- ALF: "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
- Willie: You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
- ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
- ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
- [opens fridge]
- ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?
- [picks a note off the food and reads it]
- ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?
- [throws away the note]
- ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
- [as he does this an earthquake starts]
- ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.
- [Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
- Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
- ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
- [on a camping trip]
- Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
- ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
- Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
- [pause]
- Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
- ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
- Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
- ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
- Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
- ALF: How, by drowning us?
- Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
- Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
- ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
- Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
- ALF: I vote we go home.
- Willie: You're not voting in this.
- ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
- ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
- Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
- ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
- Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
- ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
- [ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
- Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.
- [Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl]
- Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
- Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
- Kate: [coldly] I see.
- [she leaves]
- ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
- Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
- ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.
- [ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
- ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
- Willie: I'm not convinced.
- ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
- Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
- ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.