Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken.
Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.
ALF: Justice will not rest.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it.
Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.
[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.
Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
ALF: Well, I'd like to.
ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.
ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.
ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.
[ALF has just broken Willie's shortwave radio]
Willie: Do you know how long - *looooooong*... It took me ten years to put that thing together.
ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.
ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?
[picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?
[throws away the note]
ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
[as he does this an earthquake starts]
ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.
Willie: Go back to the tent.
ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
[spitting water sound]
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.
[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.
Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.
ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude. People think you're hiding something.
Kate: Don't break that remote.
ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
[Kate stares at him]
ALF: Well, lately?
ALF: This week?
ALF: Since breakfast?
ALF: I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
Willie: You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
[Kate refuses ALF to baby-sit Eric]
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.
Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Forty. Why?
Willie: If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry.
Willie: That's a sentence I never thought I would hear myself say.
[the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book]
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."
ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
Kate: Where's Lizard taking you?
Lynn: To a science fiction movie. Something about this guy being shrunk and then injected into someone else.
ALF: That's not science fiction. A friend of mine did that once. He took a wrong turn and got stuck in a guy's nose.
Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.
ALF: You do?
Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.
Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.
ALF: Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior.
ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident!
Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!
Willie: Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek.
ALF: Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.
ALF: Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?
Willie: If you were in the woods.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs.
Willie: I would have guessed all ten.
[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here.
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.
Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky?
ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs.
[Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl]
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate: [coldly] I see.
ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.
Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.
ALF: [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies] Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...
Willie: ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all.
ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?
[the Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willie's brother]
Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope.
ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.
[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.
ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian: No, those are ducks.
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?
ALF: Once we add sound, color and stick Eddie Murphy in there somewhere, it'll be a smash.
ALF: Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.
Jake Ochmonek: Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway?
ALF: 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.
Willie: I never meant to bring Jimbo over.
ALF: You brought an elephant home to dinner?
Willie: I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.
Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.
ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.
Lynn: And you lose weight that way?
ALF: You do?
Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom.
ALF: But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.
Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb.
Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate: Yes, they do.
ALF: They do? Can we go over?
[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"
ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?
ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.
Willie: [to Kate about ALF] He's odd. Even for an alien.
ALF: [picking up Willie's glasses] Yeah, what is it about this Lash that you don't like?
Willie: Lash? How do you know about Lash?
ALF: Well, Lynn and I were talking last night and she seems to feel...
[tries on Willie's glasses]
ALF: ... Geez, you're blind as a bat, aren't you?
[the Tanners are preparing for a garage sale]
ALF: How about this? A genuine, Melmacian, survival knife.
Brian: There's no blade.
ALF: Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.
ALF: It's the day before Christmas, I've hidden all the eggs.
Willie: ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
ALF: Oh, that's right. Christmas is where we carve the pumpkin.
Lynn: Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?
ALF: I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts.
Lynn: We will.
ALF: [ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.
ALF: Hey, what's going on in here?
Willie: We're having a family meeting.
ALF: Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.
ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian: Curly was a senator once.
ALF: True, and Moe was Speaker of the House.
Willie: Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?
ALF: Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
ALF: That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Willie: Don't you see the connection?
ALF: [pause] What connection?
Willie: I give up.
ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.
Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.
ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.
Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.
ALF: You think I wake up looking this good?
Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell.
ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it.
Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up.
ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.
Willie: Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
ALF: I bet I can get it out of him.
Willie: [yelling] LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!, LEAVE HIM ALONE!
ALF: [sarcastically] So what are you saying?, Leave the man alone?
Aaron King: What the heck are you?
ALF: I ain't nothing but a hound dog!
Aaron King: Hound dogs don't talk
ALF: Neither do dead singers
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
ALF: A minute and a half, Luckmiester, then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
ALF: I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.
[at the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
[ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie]
ALF: Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate: What's wrong with Brian?
ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate: [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it.
Willie: Calm down.
ALF: Stop ventilating.
Kate: I am not ventilating. I am talking.
Kate: And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.
Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.
Willie: This must stop.
ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.
Willie: You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF: Why do you hate your mother?
Brian: Your name's really Gordon?
ALF: Yeah, Gordon.
Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?
ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.
Willie: When the babysitter is here, ALF, you are going to have to be in the attic.
ALF: Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
Willie: Were all making adjustments here, ALF. Your not gonna be there all that much...
ALF: Attica. Attica. Attica.
ALF: Mind if I showed you a trick ?
Kate: The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF: I told you not to lean in.
ALF: Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.
ALF: I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned.
ALF: Ours was a polite society.
ALF: Oh, by the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Willie: Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
ALF: Trust me on this one.
ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."
[ALF and Lynn are preparing a surprise dinner for Kate and Willie]
ALF: I just need to finish spit-shining these plates here.
Lynn: [grabbing the plates] That won't be necessary.
ALF: Fine, let them eat off dirty dishes.
ALF: Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."
Willie: You know, Trevor. It seems this young man is a little Mister Fix-it.
Lynn: Little Mister Fix-it. How cute.
Jake Ochmonek: You want me, don't you?
ALF: Tell me, which side of the earth does this nose come from? Ha!
Willie: I'm trying to make this vacation more fun. You might do it yourself instead of complaining all the time.
[on a camping trip]
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
ALF: Opens curtains "I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza, big mistake" Window falls on his head, then his fingers, then ALF falls out the window.
ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
ALF: Rules rules rules.
ALF: Grease fire grease fire.
ALF: Never mind the curtains put me out.
Jake Ochmonek: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch.
Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
Kate: What are you doing?
ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.
ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah!
ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate: Well, would you like some cold cream?
ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
Kate: It's for your nose.
ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
ALF: You're talking like they're two different things.
Kate: They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?
Aaron King: ALF, I've had it with this Elvis thing. Look, I'll prove it to you!
[Aaron pulls out his guitar and starts performing "Heartbreak Hotel" for ALF]
ALF: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!, no wonder your baby left you if you've been singing like that!. Stinkaroni.
Aaron King: Are you convinced I'm not Elvis?
ALF: You just need a little more practice, you've been dead for a while.
Aaron King: Look, I wish I was Elvis buddy, but I'm just a truck driver from Tupelo, and that's as close as I'll ever get to being The King.
ALF: But in my heart, I will always know you as Elvis.