Weird Science (1985)
Lisa: You okay?
Gary Wallace: Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!
Lisa: So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?
Lisa: You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.
Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?
Lucy Wallace: Oh Garry! Oh my God!
Gary Wallace: Ma, I never tossed off to anything!
Lucy Wallace: You told me you were combing your hair!
Gary Wallace: I was! I was!
[the woman that Gary and Wyatt created is looking for a name]
Gary Wallace: How about Lisa?
Lisa: Why Lisa?
Gary Wallace: Why not?
Wyatt: He used to like a girl named Lisa.
Lisa: [smiles] Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?
Wyatt: She kicked him in the nuts.
Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Will you shut the hell up?
Wyatt: [sympathetically] Look Gary, it wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.
Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Look Wyatt, shut up!
[Wyatt puts up his hands defensively, indicating that he will shut up. He looks slightly hurt by Gary's treatment of him as he was only trying to help]
Lisa: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.
Wyatt: We forgot to hook up the doll.
Lisa: You forgot to hook up the doll.
Lisa: You guys created me, I didn't come from anywhere. Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you.
[Gary is chanting incoherently. Wyatt seemed very confused by his best friend's odd behaviour. They are both wearing bras on their heads]
Wyatt: Gary?... By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
Gary Wallace: [hesitates] Ceremonial.
Gary Wallace: Mom, I never toss off to anything!
Lucy Wallace: [crying] You told me you were combing your hair!
Gary Wallace: But I was! I was!
Wyatt: A missile! A MISSILE! A MISSILE IN MY HOUSE, GARY!
Max: [Banging on it] Yup, this puppy's for real all right.
Gary Wallace: It was an accident. You know it happens.
Wyatt: ACCIDENT MY ASS, GARY! MY PARENTS ARE COMING HOME. CHET'S COMING HOME. THEY'RE GONNA FREAK OUT!
Gary Wallace: They're gonna shit egg rolls.
Lisa: Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse.
Mutant Biker: Can we keep this... between us? I'd hate to lose my teaching job...
Wyatt: Do you think Lisa's having a good time?
Gary Wallace: Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.
Gary Wallace: How's your stomach?
Wyatt: It's a little better.
Gary Wallace: [starts pacing] If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?
Wyatt: [confused] Float a what?
Gary Wallace: [slightly annoyed] If you're gonna fart, if you're gonna squeeze cheese, let me know, okay? I'll hit the fan!
Wyatt: I'm sorry, Gary, it's just I suffer from pain and discomfort due to occasional stomach upset.
[Gary and Wyatt have just returned home from a bar. Gary is very drunk but Wyatt is perfectly sober]
Chet: [to Wyatt] If he pukes, you die.
[the drunk Gary starts laughing and buries his face in Wyatt's shoulder]
Wyatt: [nervously] He's not laughing at you, Chet.
Gary Wallace: [still laughing; nods] Yes, I am.
Gary Wallace: You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!
Chet: How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?
Chet: You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue.
Lisa: If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.
Chet: [pointing a rifle at Gary's face] Freeze!
Gary Wallace: Chet!
Chet: [Hits Gary in the head with the rifle] Where's my brother?
Gary Wallace: Ow... uh, I don't know.
Chet: [Hits Gary again] You're dead meat pilgrim!
[Points the rifle at Deb]
Gary Wallace: Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, that's her nose. Come on, Chet she's got nothing to do with this!
Chet: Ok. You die, she walks out of here with a severe limp.
[Points the rifle at Gary and Deb repeately, then hits both in the head]
Chet: I'll be back.
[Leaves the room]
Gary Wallace: That's Wyatt's older brother Chet. He's kind of an asshole.
Dino: Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this? Huh?
Lisa: It's purely sexual.
Dino: No shit.
Gary Wallace: She's into malakas, Dino!
Dino: "She's into malakas"! Do you believe that?
Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.
Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...
Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?
Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?
Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.
Chet: What are they doing in here?
Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want to Garry and Wyatt to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.
Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?
[Chet finds out that the house is a mess and his room is snowing. He blasts the door to his sister's room where Wyatt are Hilly were sleeping]
Wyatt: Hi Chet.
Chet: [Grabs Wyatt] What the hell is going on around here?
Wyatt: It was an accident Chet.
Chet: An accident? An accident? Do you realize it's snowing in my room goddammit!
Wyatt: It's weird Chet. It's really weird Chet.
Chet: It doesn't take a genius to figure that out monkey dick. Start talking little man.
Wyatt: It's a really long story Chet. Gary and I were messing around with the computer Friday night. We decided to make a woman and we did and she went crazy and she messed up the whole house.
Chet: Don't smart mouth me you wormy little shit!
[Places Wyatt in a neck hold]
Hilly: Look just leave him alone!
Chet: Stay out of this bimbo! It's a family matter.
Wyatt: Look Chet. Find Lisa. She'll clear up everything.
[Chet tightens his grip on Wyatt]
Wyatt: You can have my college money. And my social security, Chet.
[Chet releases Wyatt]
[Gary and Wyatt are about to go out with Lisa and they both are wearing dorky suits and hairstyles]
Wyatt: What are we going to do with her?
Gary Wallace: Look, we'll just go with the situation okay? And I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you okay?
Wyatt: I'm just being practical.
Gary Wallace: I know you are and I apperciate it.
Wyatt: But what are we going to do about this mess?
Gary Wallace: Wyatt you have plenty of time to clean up tommorrow okay?
Wyatt: Ok but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.
[they walk out of the room and all of a sudden they are wearing nice suits]
Wyatt: Where are we going anyway?
Gary Wallace: I don't know she said we're going downtown and OH MY GOD! Whose stuff is this? Is this yours?
Wyatt: Oh shit!
Gary Wallace: What's going on here?
Wyatt: I don't know.
Gary Wallace: Wyatt, what's going on here?
Wyatt: GARY I DON'T KNOW! But you look good though all right?
Gary Wallace: Yeah?
Chet: You're stewed, buttwad!
Wyatt: [looks around; nervously] Me?
Chet: Do you know what time it is?
Wyatt: [guessing] Two?
Chet: Time to play the fiddler.
Wyatt: I was kind-of counting on you to be human about this...
[Chet grabs him by his lapels and shoves him hard against the wall]
[Gary and Wyatt are in the bathroom while Hilly and Deb are outside]
Hilly: What are you guys doing here?
Wyatt: [from inside the bathroom] Gary was just takin' a shit!
[Gary closes the door and slaps the grinning Wyatt hard across the face]
Wyatt: Gary, you're just as uptight as I am, all right?
Gary Wallace: Nobody could be as uptight as you! Nobody! Your middle name is tense. Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.
Wyatt: All right, this is true, this is true.
Gary Wallace: It's true.
Wyatt: But it's not so bad. We can hear the music.
Gary Wallace: [sarcastically] We can hear the music, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!
Wyatt: [referring to Lisa] Do you think she'll understand?
[Gary puts his arm around Wyatt's shoulders]
Gary Wallace: I'm sure she will. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't wanna date you.
Gary Wallace: You're not my type, you know.
Wyatt: Gary, Gary, Gary! There are motorcycles in my house!
[Gary grabs Wyatt by the lapel and pulls him towards him]
Gary Wallace: Wyatt, there are killer mutants in your house, okay?
[the front wall of the house is suddenly torn down. Lord General and a biker girl enter the house through it]
Gary Wallace: Where'd your parents go anyway?
Wyatt: Cincinnati. They're meeting the guy my sister wants to marry.
Gary Wallace: Chloe? Who the hell would want to marry Chloe?
Wyatt: He's studying to be a vet.
[He grimaces slightly, wondering if that has anything to do with it]
[Wyatt and Lisa are going downstairs. He looks very nervous and tense]
Lisa: Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax. Have you tried inversion boots?
[Wyatt is driving himself, Gary and Lisa back to his home. Gary is very drunk]
Gary Wallace: Gimme de keys! Gimme de keys!
Wyatt: [to Lisa; concerned] Is he going to be okay?
Chet: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I'm even considering makin' up some shit!"
Henry: I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.
Carmen: He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.
Lisa: What are you so nervous about? Everything's cool.
Gary Wallace: EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.
Chet: Lady, I wanna get to the bottom of this. ASAFP.
Lisa: Oh, so do I.
Chet: But first I'd like to... butter your muffin.
Lisa: Why do you have to be such a wanker?
Chet: Because I get off on it!
Lisa: I can be a real serious bitch if I don't get what I want.
Lisa: If we're going to have any fun together, you guys have better learn to loosen up.
Chet: Like your panties!
Wyatt: It's a joke, Chet!
Chet: That's not a joke, that's a severe behavioral disorder. I mean, the next thing you know, you'll be wearing a bra on your head!
Gary Wallace: That's not a bad idea.
Gary Wallace: Making a girl. Actually making a girl. Like Frankenstein... except cuter.
Wyatt: [stands up] You're serious?
[Gary grabs Wyatt by the collar and pulls him towards him]
Gary Wallace: Look me in the eye. Do I look serious?
Wyatt: Gary Wallace, that's-that's gross! That's sick! I am not digging up dead girls!
[Gary puts his hand over Wyatt's mouth and sits him down on the bed]
Gary Wallace: No, I'm not talking about digging up dead girls, Wyatt. I'm talking about your system, idiot, your computer!
Wyatt: Gary, where the hell do you get that thing?
Gary Wallace: It's a squirt gun, man.
[Suddenly, there's a loud bang and a chandelier crashes to the ground. Both Gary and Wyatt look terrified]
Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: You guys looking for something for your mom?
[Gary and Wyatt exchanged an amused look]
Gary Wallace: I really don't think so...
[reads her nametag]
Gary Wallace: Sue.
Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: [astonished] You guys have... girlfriends?
Gary Wallace: You know, I really wouldn't refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend... more of a lover...
Gary Wallace: Sexpot is what she is.
Susan, Perfume Salesgirl: You guys are the ones who got beat up at the homecoming game... right?
Lisa: Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!
Wyatt: You know Gary, for the first time in my life; I don't feel like a total dick.
Gary Wallace: We're in.
Wyatt: We're in trouble Gary. This is highly illegal.
Gary Wallace: We need more input. We gotta fill this thing up with data. We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt. I want her to live. I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicize.
Gary Wallace: Do you know what I would like to do?
Wyatt: Shower with them.
Gary Wallace: Then bang with the city baby, dead on! For a little drinks, a little night-life, dancing.
Gary Wallace: We'll throw a huge party. I mean huge party! Everybody's invited. Women everywhere. All these girls, they're all there. Naked bodies everywhere. They all know my name.
Wyatt: Gary, Gary.
Gary Wallace: What?
Wyatt: Nobody likes us. Nobody.
Lisa: If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.
Gary Wallace: This isn't my car. This isn't my suit. Those weren't even my friends.
Deb: Why are you telling me this?
Gary Wallace: Because I want you to like me for what I am.
Deb: Whatever you are, I like it.
Wyatt: Garry, don't you feel like a chicken?
Gary Wallace: Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass right now, I would! Look we can deal with shame, death is a much deeper issue.
[Lisa kisses Wyatt]
Lisa: Are you sure you're only fifteen?
Wyatt: [smiles] I'll be sixteen in June.
Gary Wallace: Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria.
Gary Wallace: Wyatt, are you ready to die?
Wyatt: Gary, I can't wait to die.
Gary Wallace: Why don't you shut up, bitch?
[to Lord General]
Gary Wallace: And as for your ugly a$$, you don't come into my friend's house, with your faggot friends and your bikes, crashing through windows, making a mess, breaking his furniture, stinking up the place and believe me you do stink.
[One of the mutant bikers sniffs his armpit]
Gary Wallace: And here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna get on your bikes, and pedal your ugly asses outta here.
[All the killer mutants laugh]
Gary Wallace: We're gentlemen so we're going to give you a choice.
[Gary pulls out a gun and points it at Lord General's head]
Wyatt: Yeah, you can go in peace.
Gary Wallace: Or you can stay and die. The choice is yours.
[Gary and Wyatt are about to make another woman for Ian and Max are are showing them the blue print for the boobs]
Max: I feel like an asshole. This had better work.
Gary Wallace: This is just a blueprint guys, now how do you like it?
Max: Go! Go! Go!
Gary Wallace: Give em the knee shooters.
[Wyatt makes the boobs bigger]
Gary Wallace: It can't be a dream! How can 2 people have the same dream. Ok lets analyse this. In the middle of the night... did I get up... and yack in your sink?
[Wyatt looks confused and, after a few seconds, shakes his head]
Gary Wallace: Didn't throw up? No? Maybe it was a dream then, you know... a very weird... bizarre... vivid... erotic... wet... detailed dream. Maybe we had malaria.
Gary Wallace: I can't believe you, I CANNOT belive you. You're dropping wolf-bait, and there are chicks outside!
Gary Wallace: [in the shower with Wyatt for a brief chat] I could be wrong, but I think these guys are stoked for us, Wyatt.
Wyatt: I got that feelin' myself.
Gary Wallace: What do we do?
Wyatt: I don't know.
Gary Wallace: Should we go for it?
Wyatt: What about Lisa?
Gary Wallace: She did say we should party.
Wyatt: Look, let's get on with these two, score points, and go back to Lisa. This is like a dream come true.
Gary Wallace: How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with the McKays when we get to them later?
Wyatt: Sounds good.
Gary Wallace: Okay, but whatever happens, we've gotta give Lisa a shot. I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Maybe the girls are lookin' for a long, lean bone job from me. Ready to party now?
Gary Wallace: Let's break.
Gary Wallace: Hold it, Wyatt. I know female stats. Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue.
Lisa: [to Wyatt's grandfather] Stop hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat!
Chet: [to Wyatt] Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss for your ass right now.
[Wyatt is dragging the very drunk Gary up the stairs where they meet Chet]
Chet: The boozehounds returns!... What a joke.
Gary Wallace: We're gonna go get you guys some drinks. You look like a scotch man, you want some- we're gonna get some stuff and...
Lord General: Is this your party?
Gary Wallace: [fumbling his words] Well yeah, kinda, if you could call it- because...
Wyatt: I don't know if you could call it a party, it's just a few friends.
Lord General: How come two unpopular dicks like you is having a party?
Gary Wallace: I don't know, I mean I guess I was just asking myself that very question, and I can be a dick sometimes, so I don't know, I don't know.
Lord General: How would you like all your friends here to know that you wear a bra on your head?
Lord General: [crowd laughter] Tossed off into any good books lately, have we?
Lord General: [crowd laughter] You two can't even take a shower with a beautiful woman without wearing your jeans.
Lane, Shawn Patrick: This Bud's for YOU!