Quotes
Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.
Share thisRussian Interregator #1: Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?
[soldier slaps him]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.
Share this[Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?
Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?
Austin Millbarge: To pee with.
Share thisRussian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2: Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?
Share thisAustin Millbarge: They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS!
Share thisCol. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
Share this[Surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Alright. Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...
[Shows a picture from his wallet]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.
Share this[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]
Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.
Share thisAustin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.
Share this[Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them.
Share thisAce Tomato Agent: Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
Share thisAustin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays
Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?
Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?
Share thisAustin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken.
Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal]
Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.
Share thisAustin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?
Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: [walks in the test room with a broken arm and a patch over his eye] ... I'm sorry I'm late. I had to attend the reading of a will.
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: [in celebration after saving the human race] ... Can I borrow your tent?
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguayans here?
[subtle laugh]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?
Share thisKeyes: By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
General Sline: To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.
Share thisGeneral Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
Share thisAlice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: What did she say?
Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.
Share thisAustin Millbarge: [while rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a live grenade] Hey! What's this?
Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [stands up and casually throws the grenade back]
Share thisEmmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
Russian Interregator #2: And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!
Russian Interregator #2: [to the other interregator] I knew it! Pay up, comrade!
Russian Interregator #1: [unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
Share thisDr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Imhaus exits]
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Marston exits]
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!
[Boyer exits]
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Hadley exits]
Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors!
Share thisGolfer: [a golf ball rolls into the tent where Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are working as doctors, and in walks Bob Hope] Ah! Mind if I play through.
[He hits his golf ball out of the tent]
Golfer: Doctor. Doctor.
[pause]
Golfer: I'm glad I'm not sick.
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