- Santa Claus: How can I do so much in just one night?
- Ancient Elf: Oh, yes, well know this: time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you, until your mission is done.
- Anya Claus: [Dooley is reading Twas The Night Before Christmas] What is it?
- Santa Claus: It's a poem. A poem about me. They say it's a big hit.
- Dooley: He had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
- Santa Claus: What was that? That last part.
- Dooley: [reading with hesitation] He had a broad face.
- Santa Claus: Yes. Go on.
- Dooley: [continues reading with hesitation] And a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of...
- Santa Claus: Jelly.
- Dooley: It's... just a poem.
- Santa Claus: [upset] Is that how they think I look?
- Anya Claus: [struggling not to laugh] Well... The cookies.
- Patch: It's the cookies.
- [the other elves snicker]
- Santa Claus: You have folks saying that Santa Claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.
- Anya Claus: Isn't that how it should be?
- Santa Claus: All right. Dooley, make up a list of who is naughty and nice.
- Dooley: Yes, sir.
- Santa Claus: And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.
- Santa Claus: Maybe the whole idea is no good anymore.
- Anya Claus: What are you talking about? What idea?
- Santa Claus: Christmas.
- Anya Claus: Claus!
- Santa Claus: The world is a different place now, Anya. You don't see it. The people don't seem to care about giving a gift just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend's eyes.
- Ancient Elf: Now, all those within the sound of my voice, and all those on this Earth everywhere know that henceforth you will be called Santa Claus.
- [Towzer comments to B.Z. about the proposed puce lollipop]
- Towzer: If this catches on, we can come out with a liquid version: puce juice.
- Santa Claus: Next Christmas, you and I will have a date.
- Joe: Really?
- Santa Claus: Santa Claus never lies, Joe.
- Santa Claus: Don't you know who I am?
- Joe: Sure, you're a nut.
- Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus.
- Joe: Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.
- Joe: [after he gets his present from Santa] Did Cornie get anything?
- [pauses]
- Joe: The er... little girl.
- Santa Claus: Oh? Are you two seeing a lot of each other?
- Joe: Actually, yes.
- [blushes quite a lot]
- Joe: Actually.
- Patch: You'll fix it so I can get on the telly... what's-it?
- B.Z.: When?
- Patch: Uh, Christmas Eve.
- B.Z.: How long?
- Patch: Is a minute all right?
- B.Z.: Yeah. What channel?
- Patch: [simply] Well all of them.
- B.Z.: All of them?
- Patch: Yeah.
- B.Z.: Which country?
- Patch: [simply] All of them.
- B.Z.: [shocked] ALL of them?
- Patch: [pleased] Yes! All the countries, all the channels!
- B.Z.: [incredulous] That would cost a fortune!
- Towzer: The retailers are pulling our toys off the shelves so fast you'd think they're disease carriers.
- B.Z.: Cowards.
- Towzer: And an article in the Post said that anyone who gives his kid a B.Z. toy ought to have his head examined.
- B.Z.: Swine! Cancel my subscription.
- Towzer: We have to meet a payroll by the end of the month for 2,000 factory workers.
- B.Z.: Commies!
- Santa Claus: Patch gone? Where will he go? What will he do? The world is no place for an elf.
- Boog: The world's a nice enough place, isn't it?
- Honka: I mean, they send such nice letters from there! It must be!
- B.Z.: What would it cost?
- Patch: Cost? Cost who?
- B.Z.: The people, who, who buy the toy.
- Patch: Well, nothing. We're going to give them away free.
- [B.Z. starts spluttering and his face turns red]
- Patch: Oh! Oh, that's fantastic! How do you turn your face so red so fast?
- B.Z.: FOR FREE?
- Patch: Well, that's how we do it at the North Pole.
- B.Z.: WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT HERE! In a free enterprise system!