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13 out of 16 people found the following review useful:

Good God..did you take this seriously?

8/10
Author: M Brown from United States
16 October 2005

I gave it an 8.. if you're looking for a B movie..ONLY a B movie will fit the bill..the fact that the entire cast is on rollerskates was the first clue that this was a truly a B movie.

I don't understand why folks insist on sitting through B movies and then get mad. You know it sucks. You know it's the chum of the movie world..yet..you keep looking for poached salmon..blegh.. get over it. Watch it for what it is..

Even Mother Speed (wheelchair bound) is wearing skates..holy crap..

My husband's favorite is the "Holy Hot Tub" where all wounds are healed.. with chicks with big boobs rubbing each other.. jeez.. if that doesn't say B movie..nothing does..

Get over it.. watch it for the silliness.stupidity and complete ridiculous premise.. have some FUN..jeez.. it ain't art..tis... crap.. enjoy it!!!!

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14 out of 18 people found the following review useful:

amazing.

10/10
Author: firecaughtfire from United States
31 March 2005

this movie is a triumph of modern cinema.

it should be shelved between fellini's "satyricon" and truffaut's "400 blows".

with such enduring characters as "Mother Speed" and "Helpless Victim," you can't help but fall in love with their plights, empathize with their struggle, and finally, come to a stunning conclusion with tears of great justice shining in your eyes.

and not only does it come with brilliant, multilayered characterization & pathos, but also contains astonishing and subtle hints of sociopolitical criticism: for example, the upside-down, spinning shopping cart? i can think of no better symbol to better criticize the gross materialism that humanity seems to have embraced!

everyone should see this movie -- no, film.

may you forever skate the paths of righteousness.

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4 out of 5 people found the following review useful:

Guilty Pleasure

7/10
Author: hurd62 from United States
9 September 2005

Roller Blade is not and has not pretense of being a great movie. Anyone applying a rigorous scientific analysis to the technologies depicted will either pull out her hair or laugh herself silly.

But it delivers exactly what it promises = action & babes in skimpy outfits. And as one of those babes is the delicious Michelle Bauer, this remains one of my guilty pleasures.

There were just enough literary references in the movie to lead me to believe the producers toyed with the idea of making it a serious flick, but then we were treated to more babes.

All Michelle Bauer fans should watch every film she ever appears in, even this one.

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2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:

"Skate or die!" - uh, can I die please?

1/10
Author: udar55 from Williamsburg, VA
27 August 2009

I'm not much for reading into things, but - no joke - my VCR spit this out twice last night when I put it in. Turns out I'm dumb enough to fix the problem (stuck gate) and throw the video back in.

The plot is roughly this - evil Dr. Saticoy wants a magic crystal held by The Holy Rollers (yes, roller skating nuns). The crystal has the power to heal the dead but he wants it to launch himself across a cavern to some weapons factory. Did I mention he has a mutant baby for a right hand? This is truly one of the worst films ever made. Words really can't describe how awful it is. The whole thing is dubbed (by people with heavy accents) and everyone talks as if in a Shakespeare play with lots of "Thee" and "Thou" being slung around. And, for whatever reason, in the bleak future everyone will be on roller skates. The film just drags and one can't help but wonder what kinda of drugs director Donald Jackson was on. Sadly, he tried to ply this trash as art and throws out, "If you don't like it, you don't get it" in interviews. Um, no. I actually remember liking his HELL CAME TO FROGTOWN.

The end credits threaten ROLLER BLADE PART 2: HOLY THUNDER. Jackson never burdened the world with that specific follow-up, but did unleash SIX (!!!) more ROLLER BLADE themed films, including the amusingly titled ROLLERGATOR.

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3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:

A campy gem

10/10
Author: Macholic from Copenhagen, Denmark, EU
28 July 2001

This is the kind of movie that you either love or love to hate. This is a deliberately campy and schlocky zero budget outing and director Jackson has even cast camp movie auteur Fred Olen Ray's young son in this one. It is post-apocalyptic movie where the rulers send out the shakespearian talking skate patrol to police. Nude babes, cheesy effects, deadpan dialog and pure sillyness makes this an irresistable turkey. Roundup your friends and have a big laugh! 10/10

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1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:

Terrible, pitiful, embarrassing... but you can't stop watching!

1/10
Author: capkronos (capkronos00@hotmail.com) from Ohio, USA
27 May 2007

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

In the post-apocalyptic future, sadistic thugs run amok and a monstrous masked villain named Saticoy and his evil henchmen are responsible for all kinds of mayhem on their quest to find a magical amulet that will give them total control. Our saviors come in the form a slew of spiritual, scantily-clad young ladies who worship a "Have a Nice Day" happy face (!?) and skate around dusty desert locales righting wrongs as they try to beat the bad guy to his target. Suzanne Solari leads the pack as Sister Sharon Cross, a noble and courageous young woman, frequently seen in a thong, who takes orders from the mystical Mother Speed (Katina Garner). B movie queen Michelle Bauer, along with adult film actresses Susannah Britton (billed under real name) and Crystal Breeze (billed as "Lisa Marie") provide plenty of full nudity as "Bod Sisters." They skate around in skimpy rags (if anything at all), fight bad guys while topless and regenerate bodily damage by stripping down and hopping into a Fountain of Youth-like hot tub. Add to the mix ludicrous pseudo-philosophical dialogue, some of the cheapest production values known to civilized man (director/scripter/producer Donald G. Jackson supposedly financed this by maxing out credit cards!), awful special effects and acting, an idiot who begins most of his sentences with "Thee" or "Thou" and a lusty hand puppet monster and you have one of the most ridiculous movies ever conceived. This thing is NUTS!! And it was followed by at least two sequels; ROLLER BLADE WARRIORS: TAKEN BY FORCE (1988; which is also pretty hilarious) and THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN (1992; which I haven't seen yet, but sure would like to). If you're a fan of "so bad it's good" type movies, seek out this title. You won't regret it.

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3 out of 6 people found the following review useful:

Yea verily, this movie stinketh

1/10
Author: chiantang_tw from Canada
18 September 2005

In the future, there will be an apocalypse. This will make useless any vehicle more motorized than a bicycle. So roller blades will rule the world.

Enter the roller blading nuns. They help law enforcement defeat evil in the near-lawless future of the film. Like all post-apocalyptic nuns, these naturally are martial arts experts and speak in a quasi-Shakespearean way. Of course, the writer can't do even this correctly, so "verily we geteth a lot of painful dialogue-eth".

This movie is very bad - story, dialogue, acting, effects and direction all fail miserably. When my buddies and I rented it, we realized our mistake when the film ended - and scenes on the back of the VHS tape box were not actually in the movie. I can not stress this strongly enough. If your marketing dept thinks your finished product is so awful that they must use shots from the editing room floor to market your film, then you should retire from film-making.

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4 out of 8 people found the following review useful:

I loved it, really!

Author: Sabotage from Ohio
2 May 1999

I thought this movie was great! You've got nuns on rollerskates, women, punk rockers and more! If you enjoy low budget films, check this one out... it's worth it.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

gratuitous nudity galore

2/10
Author: trashgang from Midian
22 May 2012

If you pick up horror magazines from 1986 then they promised us the next big thing, roller skate flicks. Rollerball (1975) was a big hit but all the others concerning skates were pure trash. And this do fits that line.

The acting is really terrible and the story goes nowhere so sure this is a B-flick and it does have a monster that is operated by a hand, easy to spot. It do has weird clothing and it do has a lot of nudity. I won't go into names here to see but I was surprised that a lot of girls went full frontal in the most gratuitous way. There is a bath tub scene that is just filmed for the guys.

As stupid as it can gets this is just for the B-flick lovers, I even wouldn't classify it under exploitation. Another example why horror started to fail after 1986. The franchise became ridiculous and in most horrors the gore was left out. Almost unwatchable wasn't it for the girls stripping for nothing at all...

Gore 1/5 Nudity 3/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Excellent and terrible, simultaneously.

10/10
Author: d-overcash from United States
15 May 2006

Some friends and I have watched many terrible films, but this is the absolute pinnacle of C-movie grandeur. It contains awful acting, a porn-quality soundtrack, poorly overdubbed speech (in some of which the actors forgot their exact words, so you can tell they're not speaking the same line), completely pointless nudity, and repetitive location work. All the characters speak a senseless mix of Olde and contemporary English, frequently misusing thous and thys. The special effects seem as if they were done on an old Apple II. And at the core of this shining gem is a story so fragmented, so spur-of-the-moment, that it hurts the head to see. There are plenty of phenomenal lines in this film, worthy of quotation when you want to get a laugh. All in all, I consider Roller Blade to be one of the best worst films I've ever seen.

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