The Ripper (Video 1985)An old antique ring turns a college professor into a homicidal maniac when he puts it on. The ring originaly belonged to Jack the Ripper, and the Ripper's spirit possesses whoever wears it. Director:Christopher LewisWriter:Bill Groves |
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If anyone wants to leave during this idiocy I won't hold it against you.
First off, this movie was crafted by the most retarded person in the world. Every conceivable technical aspect of this SOV flick is complete s++t. Acting, s++t. Dialogue, s++t. Believability, s++t. Budget, s++t. This movie is so cheap it should have a missing child's picture and a coupon for free mattress removal on the back of the box. And every character in it is an ass, just unbelievable asses. The professor of the movie's central Famous Crimes class is possibly the gayest dork I have ever seen. At one point, he wears a shirt with three characters, a sweater mind you, that is so gay you can't help but want to smack the living hell out of him. And this flick's corny to boot. Fred the abnormal psychology prof's appearance is pure genius physical comedy. A real hoot. Yipper. The kicker is how many times Richard and his sweetie go antiquing throughout this film. Especially fascinating is a scene where two women haggle over how many installments the one lady could pay $50 bucks off in so she could buy a brass headboard off the other lady. Plus there's numerous geeky references to horror movies as well as nerdy Star Trek trivia. I'm trying not to make it out to be as hilarious as it really is. I want this one all to myself! And I didn't even mention the Brian character. Ya just gotta see him (and his dog) to fall in love with movies all over again. And he's just one of several Head of The Class-like school stereotypes.
Could I give it a rest for a second? Nahhh...How bouts I tell ya about the music. The soundtrack is atrocious. One song that makes a couple reprises is an excruciatingly bad ripoff of "I Need A Hero"--as if that song warranted a rip-off. Then there's the oh-so subtle Casio synthesizer music that wouldn't feel out of place in an episode of Hunter or The Commish, or even Doogie Howser, M.D.. In at least one scene, we even see the dance class strutting their stuff to the "I Need A Hero" music. Crucial dance sequence, man! Psych! Yeccch! The biggest failure of this movie is that it's a c--- tease. Girls come out of the shower with a towel on. Why? Why wouldn't they at least fork out a couple bucks for one of the gals in the movie to show her cans, even if they were small ones?!? There's at least one scene that involves what might be foreplay from a softcore porn movie based on the camcorder-quality of the film. But alas no, they cut it off before even a nipple is freed. They do give us one loving shot of a guy's hairy butt in red briefs. GGGRRRRRRR!!! Daddy likey! Then we come to the film's indisputable one true strength: The Gore. There's a buttload of very nicely detailed (but lovingly fake-looking) splatter moments. And they're all sleazy as hell! There's no nudity in the movie but that's a good reason to show some bare midriffs...as a knife slides into them and rips them open, spewing gutpiles all over God's Creation.. Plus there's some meaty throat slashings and a payphone strangulation that's pretty sweet. Plenty to love in the gore department if you love cheap-looking effects.
Now there is a story and even a script for this movie but every bit of it is so unbelievably asinine that I don't want to spoil any of it for you. Let's just say it's not winning any awards for writing. (Or direction! Or cinematography!) Did I mention the movie's true claim to fame? Tom Savini's in this and--just between you and me--I don't buy him as Jack the Ripper. No sir, not at all. I do love the fact that he tweaks his moustache sinisterly betwixt his thumb and forefinger, though.
Try it if you dare!