[Cmdt. Lassard's water in his fishbowl is boiling on the hibachi]
Cmdt. Eric Lassard: This fish is boiling.
Japanese chef: Oh you want stir fry?
Lt. Mauser: That is all. Thanks for your time.
Officer Hooks: What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
Lt. Mauser: [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!
Officer Hooks: Asshole!
Lt. Mauser: That's two!
Sgt. Vinnie: You know, next to lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Aw, jeez. Bunky? Bunky? How many times I gotta tell ya? The litter box, the litter box!
Lt. Mauser: Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck?
Lt. Mauser: Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
Mahoney: You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
Mahoney: It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.
[after seeing his cat pooped in the cereal]
Sgt. Vinnie: Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?
Mahoney: [shocked] I'm on a diet.
Lt. Mauser: Let me see your piece. Why isn't there any ammo in here?
Officer Hooks: I was afraid it would go off.
Lt. Mauser: Oh, you were afraid it would go off were you? That's one on Hooks
[Sargent Vinnie picks up a chocolate bar out of a rubbish bin]
Sgt. Vinnie: Look at that. A half eaten chocolate bar. It's hardly been touched. Do you want some?
Mahoney: No thanks.
Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Come on guys step on it.
[Vinnie's dog steps on Captain Lassard's lap]
Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Not you Lou.
Chief Hurst: Mauser, you're the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.
Lt. Mauser: Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.
Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%.
Lt. Mauser: Actually, Chief, if you'd look, burglary is actually up 48%.
Chief Hurst: Thank you. Who are you?
Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He asked for your name, not your biography.
Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.
[Mahoney wears a microphone while infiltrating Zed's gang]
Mahoney: So what is this place? It smells like animals.
Sgt. Vinnie: They took him to my place?