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The Jewel of the Nile (1985) Poster

Quotes

[the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]

Jewel: What are you doing?

Joan Wilder: In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.

Jewel: How long did this take?

Joan Wilder: Two pages.

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Omar: Jack is dead.

Joan Wilder: Don't be ridiculous! Jack would never die without telling me.

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Jewel: We are sworn, Just Joan.

Joan Wilder: Right, but it's just "Joan."

Jewel: Right - Just Joan.

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Ralph: You're all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist.

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[Jack, Joan, and the Jewel are being shot at]

Jewel: Do not worry. I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.

Joan: What about us?

Jewel: [pause] That's another ball game.

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Ralph: Come on, Colton! Where's the jewel?

Jewel: Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.

Ralph: Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens! Pipe down, towel-head!

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[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]

Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?

Joan Wilder: What?

Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".

Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?

Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.

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Ralph: You know, I'll bet you can buy a great townhouse down here for around five or six dollars.

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[while surrounded by native Africans]

Jack Colton: Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic.

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[At a Sufi celebration]

Ralph: Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.

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Joan Wilder: I'm going to write the truth about you!

Omar: The truth? If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.

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Jack Colton: It's looking more like 90-10, eh Kumquat?

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Jack Colton: [Jack points flair gun at F-16 Pilot] OK, flyboy estimated time of departure is right now.

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Ralph: [after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.

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Jack Colton: All right!, If we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you. Let's go, come on!

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[Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]

Omar: Who are you?

Ralph: Where's Al Jewelhala buried?

Omar: I said, who the hell are you?

Ralph: Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!

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[the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]

Ralph: [to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.

[Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]

Ralph: But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!

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[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]

Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.

Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.

Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!

Joan Wilder: Resuce me? I was doing fine without you!

Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.

Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!

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Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?

Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!

Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?

Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!

Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?

Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.

Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!

Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.

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Jewel: [happily, as they run from assassin's bullets] Are we *jogging*?

Joan Wilder: [panting] We are jogging!

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Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.

Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?

Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.

Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.

Tarak: Yes... yes?

Jack Colton: Look man, I don't know who you are or what dope you're on, but I'm sailing away on my boat tonight.

Tarak: No! You must come with me to help find the Jewel now before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar has the Jewel... nothing can stop him.

Jack Colton: Look, I'm going on my boat. You guys can do what you want.

[behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]

Ralph: The boat blew up.

Jack Colton: My boat blew up?

Ralph: The boat blew up!

Jack Colton: Everything's gone. All I own in this world is gone.

Ralph: [to Tarak] Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you have any friends?

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Joan Wilder: If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!

Omar: It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.

Joan Wilder: I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.

Omar: What secrets?

Joan Wilder: Al Jewehalla.

[Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]

Omar: [alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?

Joan Wilder: Never mind. What is the Jewel?

Omar: [resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.

Joan Wilder: [incredilous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!

Omar: Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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