The Jewel of the Nile (1985)
[the Jewel is woken up by Joan chipping away at the bars of their cell with a two-by-four plank]
Jewel: What are you doing?
Joan Wilder: In my last novel, 'Angelina and the Savage Secret' Angelina used a nail file to chip away at the bars of her cell to remove them and escape to freedom.
Jewel: How long did this take?
Joan Wilder: Two pages.
Ralph: You're all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist.
[Jack, Joan, and the Jewel are being shot at]
Jewel: Do not worry. I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.
Joan: What about us?
Jewel: [pause] That's another ball game.
Ralph: Come on, Colton! Where's the jewel?
Jewel: Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
Ralph: Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens! Pipe down, towel-head!
[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]
Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?
Joan Wilder: What?
Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".
Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?
Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.
Ralph: You know, I'll bet you can buy a great townhouse down here for around five or six dollars.
[while surrounded by native Africans]
Jack Colton: Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic.
[At a Sufi celebration]
Ralph: Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.
Joan Wilder: I'm going to write the truth about you!
Omar: The truth? If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.
Jack Colton: [Jack points flair gun at F-16 Pilot] OK, flyboy estimated time of departure is right now.
Ralph: [after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.
Jack Colton: All right!, If we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you. Let's go, come on!
[Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]
Omar: Who are you?
Ralph: Where's Al Jewelhala buried?
Omar: I said, who the hell are you?
Ralph: Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!
[the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]
Ralph: [to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
[Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]
Ralph: But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!
[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]
Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.
Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.
Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!
Joan Wilder: Resuce me? I was doing fine without you!
Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.
Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!
Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?
Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!
Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?
Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!
Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?
Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.
Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!
Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.
Jewel: [happily, as they run from assassin's bullets] Are we *jogging*?
Joan Wilder: [panting] We are jogging!
Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.
Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?
Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.
Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.
Tarak: Yes... yes?
Jack Colton: Look man, I don't know who you are or what dope you're on, but I'm sailing away on my boat tonight.
Tarak: No! You must come with me to help find the Jewel now before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar has the Jewel... nothing can stop him.
Jack Colton: Look, I'm going on my boat. You guys can do what you want.
[behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]
Ralph: The boat blew up.
Jack Colton: My boat blew up?
Ralph: The boat blew up!
Jack Colton: Everything's gone. All I own in this world is gone.
Ralph: [to Tarak] Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you have any friends?
Joan Wilder: If you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here, I am going to be on the first plane back to New York!
Omar: It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadhir where the following night I will proclaim myself Emperor of the Nile. You must be there with me. It will be your most important chapter.
Joan Wilder: I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me.
Omar: What secrets?
Joan Wilder: Al Jewehalla.
[Omar suddenly flinches and faces Joan]
Omar: [alarmed tone] Where did you hear that?
Joan Wilder: Never mind. What is the Jewel?
Omar: [resumes speaking in a pleasant tone] The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Relax. Make yourself comfortable. You stay here with me until our book is done.
Joan Wilder: [incredilous] What? You have no right to keep me here against my will!
Omar: Then go. You're free to leave. Should you leave, I will not stop you... but I will not provide transportation to any airport, train station or port for you. Besides, only the worst kind of fool will attempt to cross our desert alone.