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So there's an old security guard and a guy who dies and then there's KEVIN, the world's biggest wuss. Kevin wants to impress his incredibly insensitive, bratty, and virginal girlfriend AMY. As he returns from work to... a random house... he finds his "friends," the sexually confusing red-shorted KYLE and the truly revolting sluttish DAPHNE. They are soon joined by Daphne's boyfriend, the trigger-happy sex-crazed macho lunkhead NICK. And there's the title creatures, horrid little dogeared puppets who kill people by giving them their heart's desire. Kyle's heart's desire is to mate with a creepy, yucky woman in spandex. Nick's heart's desire is to throw grenades in a grade school cafeteria-- I mean nightclub. Kevin's heart's desire is to beat up a skinny thug with nunchucks. Amy's heart's desire is to be a disgusting slut. Daphne's already a disgusting slut, so she doesn't have a heart's desire. Along the way a truly hideous band sings a truly odd song. The hobgoblins randomly go back to where they came from then blow up. "Citizen Kane" cannot hold a candle to this true masterpiece of American cinema.
No matter how you look at this movie, it is just awful.
If you view it as a horror, then it is an unscary movie with the monsters being hand puppets.
If you look at it as a comedy, then you will notice most of the humor falls flat and is just lame.
If it is a romance you will wonder why a guy would stay with such a B**ch!
If you look at it as an action you can't really pull for the whiny hero.
As you can see this movie just fails to deliver anything remotely entertaining. As mentioned the monsters are obvious puppets and this film was another attempt at a Gremlins type movie. This however has the worst looking monsters of that genre. Critters looked pretty good, so did the Ghoulies, heck even the puppets from the Munchies looked better than these. The characters in this film are thouroughly unlikable. The hero is a whiney security guard, his girlfriend is always complaining, they have a tramp friend who has a jerk military boyfriend, and another friend who is a spaz. At one point in the movie the hero and the military guy fight with rakes...this movie is just utterly stupid. I like the scene when they are in the dreaded club scum (which is obviously not a club, but more likely a diner) and the hero tells the waitress that none of them are 21. Give me a break, I am 25 and I look younger than any of them.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Usually a review starts with a small synopsis of the film. This is
difficult when the director, Rick Sloane, forgets what film he was
making half-way through and only gives enough of a damn to hand his
camera over to his eight-year-old imagination. *Spoiler* Rick was
molested as an eight-year-old.
This movie starts off in an abandoned movie lot (sigh) where the protagonist, Kevin, starts his new job as an undoubtedly small- genitalled night-watch man. The old-hat night-watch mentor guy tells Kevin that he can't open the vault for no particular reason. At some point, the vault gets opened and the hobgoblins escape. The hobgoblins are capable of making people's wishes come true and funnily enough *spoiler* every character's deepest wish costs less than twenty-dollars and never involves naked boobs. According to the old guy, they have to get the hobgoblins back into the vault before dawn or else you guessed it something. We never find out what 'something' is, but it's only mentioned about twice before the script runs out and the cast improvises the rest of the film. There's a rake-fight in there somewhere and something to do with a nunchuk bikie fight(ish) so that Kevin can impress his hag girlfriend. The best part is the end *spoiler* when the hobgoblins go back to the vault for no reason all and the old security guard blows it up because, well, screw the audience, they've stopped watching anyway!
If I may be so bold as to use my own rating system: /10 when drunk: 7.5 /10 when sober: -smart
How Rick Sloane was allowed to make five movies is harder to believe than cold fusion. This film is absolutely criminal. Before watching this movie I thought Manos: Hands of Fate was the worse piece of crap I ever saw, but at least Manos moves so slowly you might fall asleep, thereby rescuing your eyes from the pain it will suffer. The greatest tragedy of this movie is that the old man that keeps the Hobgoblins "locked" up makes it to the final scene. The time I spent watching this movie was an absolute waste of my life.
Hobgoblins....Hobgoblins....where do I begin?!?
This film gives Manos - The Hands of Fate and Future War a run for their money as the worst film ever made. This one is fun to laugh at, where as Manos was just painful to watch. Hobgoblins will end up in a time capsule somewhere as the perfect movie to describe the term: "80's cheeze". The acting (and I am using this term loosely) is atrocious, the Hobgoblins are some of the worst puppets you will ever see, and the garden tool fight has to be seen to be believed. The movie was the perfect vehicle for MST3K, and that version is the only way to watch this mess. This movie gives Mike and the bots lots of ammunition to pull some of the funniest one-liners they have ever done. If you try to watch this without the help of Mike and the bots.....God help you!!
This movie is not just bad, not just corny, it is repulsive. Something
about Daphne, about the creepy call-girl, about the whole damn (and I
use the word literally) film radiates a grotesquery that would offend a
brothel mistress. This film makes my skin crawl, makes me regret having
reproductive organs, and makes me feel unclean.
One of the things that bothers me most about this movie is that they used such a good concept. A creature that makes fantasies with disastrous results, rather than the cliché Worst Nightmare and the overdone Twisted Wish, is a truly fascinating film idea.
Thought: The reason why hobgoblins need to be killed before day is that they are attracted to bright lights. During the day, bright lights don't show up well, so they could go anywhere.
Count the Hobgoblins: Four hobgoblins drive out of the film studio, and yet at least nine of the pernicious plush-toys are killed throughout the course of the movie.
Discussion Question: If you had a frigid, demanding, unappreciative girlfriend, would you enter garden-tool-combat with a military chunkhead? Explain.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
There is a bizarre reverse synergy at work in "Hobgoblins". I've seen
movies with poorer acting ("EEGAH!" and any number of Italian rip offs
of American hits), worse writing ("Castle of Fu Manchu"), more pathetic
sets and effects ("Future War"), and more repellent performers
("Teenagers Battle the Thing"). I've seen movies which were more badly
conceived and executed ("Deafula"). But "Hobgoblins" is something truly
special in the Annals of Suck.
Watching this movie, I kept rubbing my eyes and smacking myself on the side of the head, thinking that maybe something was wrong with my optic nerves or focal lenses and if I could only get them jarred back into place, "Hobgoblins" might resolve into something made by human beings. Alas, this turned out not to be the case. Everything up there on the screen is there on purpose, and rarely have people collaborated to make something so completely wrongheaded and goofy.
The kids who play the leads have no frigging idea of what they are doing on camera. None. Zip, zilch, nada. (On the positive side, they seems to know their lines, and there isn't too much obvious reading from teleprompter and cue cards.) I hate to trash them too badly, because it was someone else's decision to cast them in the first place, and the director apparently had an attitude of "I just point the camera and let it roll". I'll be generous, and rate their performances slightly above those of the wives of Manos during the nightgown wrestling scenes in "Manos: The Hands Of Fate".
I've seen better monster SFX in home movies filmed by ambitious 8th graders. There are several scenes where the camera is pointed straight at one or more monsters, with nothing to disguise or soften the view, and they are so obviously stuffed puppets being shaken or held against the actors by someone's hand (just off camera), that your job drops beholding the sheer incompetence of it. Seriously, low budget soft core porn movies do a better job with their effects, and no one expects those films to even try in the first place.
The script throws in every cliché you can think of: weenie kid discovers his inner hero and becomes a man and gets the girl, shy girl has an inner slut just dying to come out, army jock is a bully, and later becomes a killing machine, old caretaker hides a dangerous secret, magical creatures doom you by granting your fondest wish, underground dance club is the scene for danger and adventure... The plot staggers drunkenly from one story element to the next, slobbers on a given theme for a few seconds and then goes on to another theme and slobbers on that one for a bit. Not one scene, not a single story thread, is ever dealt with in a convincing (or even entertaining) matter, and in the end all the viewer is left with is some vague memories of stuffed puppets and shrill trollops who resemble Lorraine Newman and a geek who whines a lot.
The first 2/3rds of the film is deliriously bad. But the inanity ramps up to unspeakable levels once the story moves to "Club Scum". This increases the number of people who don't know what they are doing in a scene from 4-5 to dozens, and the results are too appalling to describe in a family-oriented web site. I especially hated the bouncer character and the MC/announcer - they camp it up outrageously, and the viewer wishes a horrible death upon them as punishment for their sins. And the so-called band performs a song during all this ("Pig-Sticker"?? "Sh*t Kicker"?? "Pit Licker"?? "Sick Liquor"??) that qualifies as the least believable music performance in a film since the concert scene in "Howard the Duck".
You have to see this film to believe such a thing exists. I rank it as one of the most idiotic and goofy film experiences ever, and I've seen "Deafula" and "The Magic Land of Mother Goose".
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
There can be no questions of spoilers for this movie, the director beat
us all too and spoiled this movie in oh so many ways.
A blatant rip-off of stuff like Critters and Gremlins, this movie fails on so many levels to recapture the humour and horror of those better made films. It ends up a sleazy waste of time, where bad actors deliver bad dialogue in front of an idiot director, who occasionally tosses stuffed toys at them. They wrestle with said toys in much the same manner as old Tarzan films used to use rubber crocodiles, shaking them whilst screaming and trying their best to make it look slightly threatening. It's painful to watch, and not helped by the mental 80's fashions worn by the cast.
Basically, some crazy little aliens who have been trapped by an aging security guard in a film lot finally get free after umpteen years confinement, and begin to telepathically screw around with peoples minds. The guards new recruit, the idiot who let them out despite repeated warnings, gets his gang of 80's friends together and they go off and have minor adventures together while trying to recapture the Grem... Hobgoblins.
All life is here, with the gang consisting of a knucklehead jock, his 80's slut girlfriend, the 'hero's frigid and prissy girlfriend, and the young hero, lacking in confidence and wishing his girlfriend would put out anyway.
First off comes the infamous rake fighting scene, where the ex-military jock shows how he was trained in the army to be a bully, poking the nerdy hero with the wrong end of a rake for what seems like hours. Then there's some running around, terminating in a real pie-fight style ending in a scuzzy nightclub with comedy hand-grenades blowing up everything except the people standing right next to them. Then the film sorta ends, and alls well that ends well.
It's not. This is like watching a train wreck, you cant take your eyes off it, it's so bad. Perfect fare for Mystery Science Theater, but god-awful should you try to watch it alone and uncut. The Fashion Police still have a number of outstanding warrants for the cast, and I dare anyone not to laugh in outright derision at the rake fight. This scores 2 out of 10 at most, on a good day.
For starters, "Hobgoblins" tries to ape the more successful "Gremlins".
That's bad enough but they don't even try to make anything that closely
resembles a movie here. Instead, it's more like a bargain basement,
everything-must-go clearance of embarrassing scenes, inappropriate sound FX,
acting as bland as unflavored tapioca and a script that takes everything
humans hold sacred in their motion pictures and throws 'em down the old
The plot? Grrrr.... Meddling kids track down gremlin-like creatures from movie lot before they kill people by projecting their fantasies. Sound cool, does it? Well, see that wall on the other side of your room? Run right at it, top speed, face first. See, THAT is cooler than this movie.
You dare to doubt? Quick, name something else one of the leads has been in other than this. What other scripts have the writers done since "Hobgoblins"? Name another Rick Sloane directoral effort. How many "Hobgoblins" action figures do you have? See? THANK you.
I cannot believe I took so long to write about such a horrible film. I'd rather write about more important things; like the separation of church and state, economic restructuring in Europe, that kind of thing. But no, "Hobgoblins" it is and it is bad - bad like your grandparents' wallpaper, bad as pink flamingos on your lawn, bad like underwear that says "Home of the Whopper"...and I think we'll stop there.
Well, Mike and the robots fight valiantly but try as they might, they can do only so much with "Hobgoblins" before they realize that, yes, the director DOES need kicked in the shin.
Real, real hard.
One star for "Hobgoblins", seven stars for the MST3K version.
If movies like Ghoulies rip off Gremlins, then Hobgoblins sinks to the new low of ripping off garbage like Ghoulies. These barely-animated furbies have some kind of scheme to fulfill fantasies (which involve basically groteque characters' sex dreams - oh joy), but what that has to do with anything is anybody's guess, except to let the director indulge his kinky penchant for erotica. They show this down in the 8th circle of Hell, one suspects. There's no real plot - just "goblins - kill!" and feeble attempts at humor and a mild attempt to arouse the viewing audience.
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