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Hell Squad is the story of a group of Las Vegas showgirls come commandos
sent to rescue a diplomat's son in what is truly the world's first "art"
film. This beautifully made film has a stellar cast portraying
multi-dimensional characters of such depth as the suspicious tiger-owning
arab, the conflicted millionaire, and the large-breasted
The story itself deals with such important socio-political issues as the arms race, gender equality, water conservation, and animal cruelty. For example; a tiger's tail is stamped on by the villain's angry foot; these busty dancers prove that they can infiltrate the enemy with the best of em', while being socially responsible by bathing together because of a water shortage; and our damsel, the diplomat's son, is bound by shackles no one can see, representing the invisible threat of the neutron bomb (where did that elephant go?).
Finally, as the startling ending asserts, nothing is as it seems. The final scene is a shocker unlike anything you've witnessed since the glory days of Scooby Doo. For fast-paced, stimulating film-making at its finest, do yourself a favor and find Hell Squad!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
This is without a doubt one of the greatest bad movies ever made. Guns, Babes and bombs. Not your typical family viewing. Filled with gratuitous nudity and violence. How can you say no to great bad film making like this. Those of you who view film as an indelible art form will be disgusted and offended. Those of us who feel film is the ultimate medium for pointless expression of silly ideas will embrace and even cherish this film. A story for the ages, Vegas Showgirls turned Commandos must over come the harsh and unforgiving desert to rescue the son of an American diplomat. Facing Violence, betrayal and a horrible water shortage, Our gang of Multi-cultural beauties battle the forces of comical evil and save the day. My Law class Partner and I were even able to use a couple of scene's in our OAC Law presentation on the Vienna Conventions and War Crimes. The scene involving Food and Water as well as the Tiger feeding scene are classic examples of Cinema at it worst. A laughable entry into the world of film and theater this film is an absolute must for those of us with a pension for B-Movies and all round terrible independent films. It would be a war crime to overlook this gem!
"Hell squad hell squad we're the best, don't ever put us to the test.
We're a helluva of a fighting machine, we are tough and goddamn mean.
The hell squad girls gotta lot of sass, if you mess with us we'll kick
your ass." Uh, sure anytime.
You can actually start anywhere in the movie and start watching. I picked this point where they where matching and all had matching short-shorts with some type of beret and chanting the above ditty. After a few weeks each one is commando trained and an expert in their field, according to the recruiter.
The filmmakers had a great time making this thing. The only thing that it lacks was a group shower scene. Lots of Hollywood bunny "actors" from small town Idaho and New Jersey (probably). After trekking out with jeeps they kill a group of Arab soldiers, who can't fight, then they go back to the hotel and take another group bath. On and on it just never ends. Don't think we'll get a blue ray anytime soon.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Location: The Middle East
Situation: The only son of an important and wealthy diplomat is kidnapped by middle eastern terrorists. The desperate dad is willing to try anything to save his offspring.
Solution: Hell Squad, a crack team of curvy female commandos.
The distraught diplomat asks his American friend "the government is powerless saheb, where can I turn to for help?", to which his sage sidekick responds "Las Vegas!".
Cut to a second rate sin city stage act with a bevy of beauties dancing crudely to champagne music. Later in the dressing room the girls all voice displeasure with the job and it's lack of proper compensation. Cue the diplomat's American friend, as he arrives with a generous but dangerous offer, to select and train several of them for deadly combat so as to rescue the diplomat's son, for which they will be payed handsomely. To the dancers this sounds like such a hair brained scheme that it...just...might...work! The showgirl soldiers are so game for the mission that they compose a poor but spirited excuse for a cadence, chanting the not entirely difficult "Hell Squad, Hell Squad!!". What follows is equally absurd and so poorly executed, it's like watching G.I.Jane directed by Demi Moore's 5 year old. A sampling:
-in a combat scene, a girl tosses a knife so limply it arcs towards the ground unable to make it out of frame. The next moment we see the blade rocket into someone's chest 30 feet away.
-Hell Squad receives it's marching orders, not by code over a shortwave radio as they camp in desert terrain, but rather on the luxury hotel room phone. The Squad leader is informed where the terrorists are, and when they'll be there. Zero drama is involved as she cheerfully responds "okay, we'll be there, thank you very much" as if confirming a salon appointment.
-At daybreak, the Hell Squad leaves to engage in fierce combat. They return exhausted at the end of the day for a glass of champagne and a group soak in an over-sized hot tub. And no, the hot tub is not an excuse for the gratuitous nudity exhibited by the women, the filmmakers don't appear concerned with making an actual motion picture, let alone excuses.
If you find yourself tired at how quality ridden some films are, or you need a break from the logic and coherence seen in much of cinema, you could do worse than Hell Squad.
I honestly wish I could say that I invited the juicy catchphrase of my review's subject line myself, but alas, I blatantly stole it from the back of the cover of the original Belgian VHS-release. Roughly translated the brief plot description on the box of the old video cassette that I own says: "This battalion of incredibly hot girls is on a top-secret and ultra-dangerous mission that will bring them BEHIND enemy lines and BETWEEN enemy sheets!". As a sucker for 80s trash/exploitation I simply had to see this film. Now, I personally think that the clichéd expression "so-bad-it's-good" is very much overused, but it is definitely the most apt description of Kenneth Hartford's "Hell Squad". The son of an American ambassador in the Middle-East is kidnapped by terrorists and they demand nuclear weapons in exchange for his release. Instead of looking for any kind of alternatives, the ambassador's personal assistant travels to Las Vegas all by himself and recruits a bunch of buxom strip dancers for a secret mission. Without knowing what purpose they'll serve, the girls follow an intense 10-day military training and then they are subsequently dropped in the desert. This really could have worked very efficiently as a sexploitation-spoof (or even a porn movie, perhaps) but the problem is that this film, and its entire cast and crew alike, take itself so damn seriously! Besides, the glorious description about the sheet and all isn't even true. The action sequences in "Hell Squad" are as follows: the women storm into a random enemy camp or underground lair, blow away all the evil Arabs and subsequently return to their luxurious hotel room where they all sit and relax in the jacuzzi together. Yes, apparently hotels in the Middle-East standard offer gigantic hot tubs in each room. You guessed it; a truly bad but unique film-experience!
I couldn't believe how bad this was.
Still I was entertained.
Why? Those ladies, despite their obvious 'talent', (hehheh) were GORGEOUS.
This was stock footage surrounded by a two set filming. The lack of real cast was desperately covered up.
So many missions that we never saw. Then the ladies come home in their military/fetish unis and lounge in provocative positions.
One reason to see this film...your drunk and love to see ladies in hotpants. (Ok, two reasons.)
From the cheesy dialog to the no-talent 'actresses', there is not one
redeeming quality about this 'film'!
About the point these commando bikini-models were putting on their flippers and snorkel gear to swim across a lake in a middle of a desert to a stock photograph of a castle in the European mountains I lost my lunch.
The biggest laugh of the movie was the reveal of 'Ann' as 'Andy' when a halloween budget mask was pulled off of Ann/Andy. Couldn't help but think of Austin Powers, "That's a MAN, man!"
So bad it's laughable! If there was a ZERO STAR rating this movie would have it!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
The "movie" (it's so cheaply done, I'm inclined to believe it's just a student film gone bad) is just an excuse to parade scantily-clad women in the desert, let them go after the bad arabs and whine for the rest of the show. There's little action (you'd think they'd at least learn martial arts; no!!! they fight like, duh, girls!) and lots of boring dialog. SPOILER!!!: The ending (finding out who the traitor is), which involves proper toilet manners for women (figure it out: it involves keeping the seat up), reveals a cross-dresser villain in their midst (ok, in the office that recruited them). Whatever pompous theme this movie supposedly maintains (e.g., equality among the sexes, world corruption, security) is lost in the mindless miasma of ennui and inanity. A poor man's Doll Squad (not that Francine York and company are any better!).
Movies like this give me a headache. Nine bubbly and not-so-bright Vegas
show-girls are hired to train for 10 (count em), 10 days to become highly
skilled, psuedo-military commandos and execute a top-secret operation in
order to rescue an American Ambassador's whiney son. Their training
consisted of a four obstacle obstacle course, rifle training with no,
repeat, NO instruction on how to use the weapon, and one girl punching a
board. Nothing else is even shown to be done, unless you count the "squad"
of girls marching around the middle of the desert, chanting their patented
cadence, or lounging in the officer's pool as training. Never before has
someone's utter lack of desire to make a decent film ever been more
showcased than in this movie. It is apparent the thought that T&A would
carry this entire film was the motivation behind every scene of this movie.
Every scene where the "hell squad" went into action was immediately followed
by a scene of all the girls either naked or in their bathing suits. It is
this genre of women exploitation which tries to hide behind the mask of
"girls kick ass" that makes me shudder at the day they began selling movie
cameras to anyone who walked in off the street. The world is in dire need of
a written law to prevent any non-film maker from making a film. I swear to
you, from the first 20 minutes on to the end of the movie, my jaw hung open
in terror as I watched every film making sin take place before my eyes. This
movie gave me a headache.
I own many original copies of a great number of the movies shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and this movie topples every one of them over. Still, it doesn't make it the worst movie I've ever seen, but it sits in a class of films that are harmful to open skin. Handle movie with care.
Scott's judgment: Set your dumbness filter on high while watching this movie
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