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Heaven Help Us (1985) Poster

Quotes

Rooney: Thadeus wouldn't know a good time if it crawled up his leg and bit him on the ba-doyng-as.

[watching Blue Hawaii at a movie theater]

Rooney: Jesus, what'd they do to Elvis? Cut his balls off, or something?

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Rooney: [narrating] In 1966, Everyone graduated from St. Basil's, except me.

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Rooney: I've been kicked off the track team, and without track my grades will be based on

[pause]

Rooney: my grades.

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Caesar: I will reason with him, I'll appeal to his better nature!

Rooney: Oh, you're gonne reason with a grown man in a dress?

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[Caesar's desk falls apart when Brother sits on it]

Brother Constance: Oh, you'll pay for that Caesar!

Caesar: [indignantly] But, Brother my screws are gone!

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Michael Dunn: If Gram sees you smoking she'll have a heart attack.

Boo: If she's hears you talking about not being a priest she have a stroke.

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Rooney: If I don't make you my friend it means I gotta kick your ass everytime I see you. Nobody wants that, do they?

Michael Dunn: Drop dead!

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Brother Thadeus: [Dunn, Rooney, Caesar, Williams and Corbet are in Brother Thadeus' office after the melee in the auditorium] Can you gentlemen give me one good reason why you shouldn't be expelled?

Michael Dunn: It's my fault, brother. I'm the one who should be expelled.

Brother Thadeus: You all acted as one, Mr. Dunn. And as one, you shall bear the consequences.

Michael Dunn: Yes, brother, but I started it.

Brother Thadeus: Did you? As I understand it, Brother Constance started it.

Brother Constance: [in disbelief] What?

Brother Thadeus: I'm suspending you for two weeks. Good day, gentlemen.

Brother Constance: [boys leave... Brother Dominic comes in and hands Thadeus a sheet of paper, which he signs... Constance is angry] What do you mean I started it? They've assaulted the faculty, the've disgraced this institution, and they destroyed a statue of St. Basil.

Brother Thadeus: I always hated that statue.

[signs paper and hands it to Constance]

Brother Constance: What's this?

Brother Thadeus: Well, you're transferred out of this institution. I don't want you working with children anymore.

Brother Constance: [angry] You can't do this! I will demand an investigation. I will take this all the way to the bishop if I have to.

Brother Thadeus: Take it whereever you want, brother...

[opens door]

Brother Thadeus: just take it out of my office!

[Constance glares at Timothy and then storms out the door]

Brother Thadeus: It appears we have a vacancy, brother. Think you can fit in?

Brother Timothy: [smiles] I think so, brother.

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Social Worker: [the police and social welfare people have arrived to close the store, arrest Danni's father and put her in foster care... a crowd outside has gathered] We'll make arrangements with your mother to have the inventory accounted for.

Michael Dunn: [rushing in] They made this happen, didn't they?

Danni: [crying] Nobody made this happen.

[Dunn embraces her]

Danni: I just don't want you to be sad... 'cause I'm not. Promise?

Michael Dunn: [fighting tears] No.

Social Worker: We have to go.

Michael Dunn: [running up to car Danni has just been loaded in] Well, hey listen, I'm glad I got to dance with you

[car speeds off, leaving a dazed Dunn in the street]

Rooney: Don't worry, Dunn... we'll find her.

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Rooney: Hey, let me buy you a Coke or somethin'!

Janine: Oh, hot shit!

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Brother Timothy: [Dunn and Timothy are in the schoolyard... Tim is bouncing a baseball off the steps] There's the pitch.

Michael Dunn: You know, I never figured out how a guy like you became a brother.

Brother Timothy: What's that supposed to mean? There's different types of guys, what's wrong with me?

Michael Dunn: I just can't figure it out, is all.

Brother Timothy: Well, most people can't figure it out. My brother was the one who was supposed to have the vocation. Me, they had me written off as the bum. But here I am, wearing a robe, bouncing a ball off the steps of the rectory.

Michael Dunn: Was your brother a bum?

Brother Timothy: Sort of. Sells life insurance down in Maryland.

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Brother Timothy: [Timothy and Thadeus are walking in the courtyard discussing Constance's teaching methods] I expected to be given a lesson in teaching, but instead I got a lesson in brutality. The man seemed to be enjoying himself, brother.

Brother Thadeus: A rather slanderous thought, brother... one that ought to be kept to oneself. Brother Constance is an effective teacher, one of the best we have.

Brother Timothy: I hear you brother, but...

Brother Thadeus: [sharply] But what?

[moderates tone]

Brother Thadeus: We all come to the order, full of ideas... and we often find that we have much to learn ourselves. Nevertheless, authority must never be undermined by the display of dissent among the faculty. For the students' sake, you understand.

Brother Timothy: No, I don't understand.

Brother Thadeus: Then you should try to restrain yourself until you do.

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Danni: You're not like those other jerks, are you?

Michael Dunn: I just got here.

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Caesar: Welcome to St. Basil's!

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Rooney: [yelling to Dunn from across the street] Come here, kid! I'm not gonna bite ya!

Caesar: I wouldn't count on it.

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Brother Timothy: [seeing Dunn not dancing at the school dance] What's your excuse?

Michael Dunn: I don't know. Waiting for inspiration.

Brother Timothy: Inspiration? Who from? The Holy Ghost? Come on, it's a cinch. You walk up to some girl, you look her in the eye, you say 'Excuse me, but do you want to dance?' It works every time.

Michael Dunn: [laughs] Yeah, what if it doesn't?

Brother Timothy: If it doesn't work, then you gotta start thinking about joining a relgious order.

Michael Dunn: [getting up] Maybe I'll see you later.

Brother Timothy: Maybe you better start dancin'!

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Rooney: [locked in a dark closet with the others] I think that faggot figured out who did it.

Caesar: [sarcastically] What gives you that idea?

Corbet: Well, what are you gonna tell him?

Caesar: [sarcastically] Let's see, you're sitting in the assembly with a saint's head in your lap. I'd tell him you found it in a box of Cracker Jacks.

Rooney: [thinking Caesar was serious] No, that's no good. We gotta think of something better than that.

Corbet: Hey, Williams, what are you doing?

Rooney: Corbet, shut up!

Corbet: Yeah, but Williams is playing with himself in here!

Rooney: All right, I got it! Listen, this is what we'll tell him when he comes back... We'll tell him...

[not able to come up with a plausible excuse]

Rooney: We'll tell him we don't know what the fuck he's talkin' about!

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Caesar: [despairingly] I'll never ever get into Harvard now. I'll have to settle for Queen's College.

Caesar: [sarcastically] Well, you should feel right at home in QUEEN'S College!

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[last lines]

Rooney: [narrating] Me? I went to beautician's school where everybody graduated except me, but I got a job as a shampoo boy at Marisa's House of Hair in Bensonhurst. The hours suck; the pay sucks; I'm surrounded by 'funny guys,' but the tips are great. Thank you, God!

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Brother Constance: [in Thadeus' closed-door office after melee in auditorium] They should be expelled. In the real world, they'd be charged with assault.

Brother Timothy: In the 'real world', they'd have a case of self-defense!

Brother Constance: I think expulsion is justified here.

Brother Timothy: I don't think so.

Brother Constance: Well, no one cares what you think!

Brother Thadeus: [to Brother Dominic, also in his office] Let the boys in here.

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[Dunn leaves the school dance, and comes into Danni's bar, she's not there so he goes into her house, and Danni sees him]

Danni: What the hell are you doing here?

Michael Dunn: The door was open, I was looking for you. I guess I shouldn't have just come in, huh?

Danni: Damn straight you shouldn't have just come in.

Michael Dunn: I'm sorry I just wanted to talk.

Danni: Get out of here, ok!

Michael Dunn: [while leaving] Sorry, I just wanted to dance with you.

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Brother Constance: Are you familiar with the term "miserable"? Because miserable is what I'm going to make your miserable lives, every miserable minute of every miserable day!

RooneyCaesarMichael DunnCorbetWilliams: Yes, Brother.

Brother Constance: Yes Brother what?

RooneyCaesarMichael DunnCorbetWilliams: Yes Brother, miserable, Brother.

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Rooney: [Standing in line for confession] Hey, Williams, you got your list?

Williams: Oh, yeah.

Rooney: Let's have a look.

[Reading Williams' list]

Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...

Williams: 5.6 times a day.

Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.

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Michael Dunn: Can't decide?

Caesar: Oh, I've decided all right, Dunn. I've decided I'd rather die than eat this crap!

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[Brother William brings the five into the gymnasium, where Brother Constance is standing in front of the exercise horse]

Brother Constance: That's far enough. Thank you, brother.

[Brother William leaves]

Brother Constance: Gentlemen, we will dispense with the traditional accusation denial ritual. It is such a bore, and not likely to convince me that I don't have before me right now at least one, if not all of the vandals. But since I'm a just man with no taste for punishing the innocent, I will afford the guilty the opportunity to speak now and to save the innocent from an impending state of wretchedness. Well?

Rooney: Could you repeat that, brother?

Brother Constance: [walks toward Rooney] Shut up. All right, who did it? Speak now or you will all suffer for it.

Michael Dunn: I did.

Brother Constance: [walks to Michael] Mr. Dunn.

Rooney: He didn't do it. Uh, Williams did it.

Williams: What do you mean "I did it"? Corbet did it.

Corbet: No, it was Caesar's idea to take the head off.

[the five protests and argue about the incident]

Brother Constance: [impatient and angry] All right. All right! That's enough!

[the boys fall silent]

Brother Constance: Have it your own way, gentlemen.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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