*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I knew this was a classic really bad movie from the first shot, so I
Ext. Night: Establishing long-shot of a car diving slowly - it lasts- ten seconds but feels like an hour - and there's a jump cut in it!. Something purple flies overhead and crashes behind trees. (The opening titles mention: "Meteor effects by..." and "Meteor Effects Assistants..." all three of them! the credits last longer than the effect).
A POV shot wanders through the woods breathing heavily.
The car driver, David, rings his old Professor who is interested in UFOs, and they have a phone conversation that breaks rule #1 of on-screen phone conversations - i.e. both speakers face the same direction. Trust me, it's bad.
"How can I find you?" asks Prof. "Take junction (whatever) and it takes you out to the big field where I am" says David. "I'll see you in 6 hours"says Prof. "I'll be here." says David.
Int. Day: Something in the cellar. Two young people we haven't seen before, and who are never mentioned again, go into their cellar and are killed by a rubber alien.
Int Day: A dysfunctional hillbilly family argue over breakfast. Carol, the daughter, runs away. Joe, the dad, chases her with a shotgun. Carol has the smallest breasts ever seen on screen. Joe has a t-shirt with a hole in it.
Joe and son JJ see the alien. It has a glowing thingy growing out of its crotch. Joe shoots the alien. Alien drops the thingy and runs off.
Girl meets her boyfriend Michael.
The Prof arrives and meets David who has been standing by his car for six hours. The Prof tells David that some friends in the "Scientific Community", told him something with an "unusual mass" came down last night. (The ONLY bit of meaningless scientifictiony gobbledygook in the whole movie). They set off into the woods - presumably to look for the crash site, but draw your own conclusions.
Joe and JJ have taken the glowy ball thingy back to their farm. Frank Custer and a bimbo turn up (two more of the director's friends). Everyone is impressed when Joe pokes the ball with a stick and fire comes out behind it. Fire! Mongo! Fire good! Frank, takes the cigar out of his mouth and releases a singularly unpleasant stream of drool. The real money is in capturing the alien. They rush off to form a posse, leaving JJ to put the thing back in the shed. JJ walks right into the alien who is standing up in plain sight, in broad daylight. The Alien zaps JJ and takes his ball back. Who said you could play with my ball?
Int. Bar. A meaningless tracking shot which shows us the backs of people wearing bad shirts. Joe and Frank arrive to get some men. As no one in this town has anything better to do than follow well-armed, beer-swilling idiots into the woods everyone wants to go.
Joe gets home. "Where's the round thing!" he shrieks at the semiconscious JJ. The word 'ball' not being in his vocabulary.
Prof and David give up wandering aimlessly past the camera and go into town for a meal. After another pointless tracking shot, they overhear the bimbo talking about the hunt for the space man. Back in the woods they see several rednecks shoot guns at the alien. the Alien shoots fireworks back. The alien is captured by having a rope waved at him.
The rednecks leave the alien in a shed and go back to bury the men it killed in the shoot out (I wish I was making this up). Joe and JJ try out the Alien's gun. "Hot damn! This is great!", "Shoot another one,Pa!"
The Prof and David release the alien and they all run away as Frank and Joe come after them.
Carol gets the alien gun from behind the sofa (!?) and runs into the woods and gives it to the alien. Frank Shoots the Prof dead. The Alien shoots Frank dead. Joe shoots the alien and takes the super-dooper firework gun. Oh! what fun!
David and the chest-less wonder run off to find Michael, who masterfully plans to do nothing until the next day. "Get your family out the house, then we'll get the alien's gun away from Joe".
Night: Noises. Carol pulls on a penoir and goes barefoot into the cellar. Boo! It's the alien! She screams. Joe chases alien away.
Day: Joe wakes up on the sofa. The house is empty. Carol has got everyone out of the way. The family meet Michael then, for some unexplained reason, they all head back to the house. Why didn't he just meet them there?
The Bimbo arrives at the farm, "Where's Frank?" she asks Joe "In the woods." he says, and tries to rape her. She runs away. He shoots her in the back then drags her body away - presumably to carry on where he left off...
Joe is passed out when the family return. They take the gun to give it back to the alien in the woods. Joe wakes up and goes after them with his shotgun. He catches them up in seconds despite their long head start. The alien appears and stupidly stands there as Joe fires several rounds into its belly. Michael and Joe fight (I presume that is what happens; most of the screen time here is taken up with people looking at something happening off-screen as men grunt a lot on the soundtrack).
With Joe choking Micheal in a death grip, Joe's wife whangs her husband on the back of the head with the fat end of the shot gun, in slow motion, from several angles, which means we get to see her pulling the punch several times, which ruins the effect a little.
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