[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]
Teenager: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?
Teenager: I sure did.
Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?
Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.
Receptionist: What was that name again?
Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist: Dr. who?
Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?
Fletch: Do you have any caviar?
Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.
Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
[During a proctological exam]
Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?
Fletch: I'm John.
Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.
Gail Stanwyk: John who?
Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.
Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.
Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.
Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.
Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.
[to a Doberman pinscher]
Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!
Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline: Who's Frieda?
Fletch: My secretary.
Alan Stanwyck: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
Alan Stanwyck: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.
Alan Stanwyck: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?
Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch: We play tennis at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch: No, that's "Babar".
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?
Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.
Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?
Fletch: No elephant books.
Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.
Alan Stanwyck: Oh? And what was that?
Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.
Gail Stanwyck: What are you doing here?
Fletch: I ordered some lunch.
Gail Stanwyck: You ordered it here?
Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.
[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.
[Fletch has fainted]
Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?
Fletch: Where am I?
Records Nurse: You're in the records room.
Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.
Records Nurse: Can I get you something?
Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.
Fletch: [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.
Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*
[mimes door hitting him in the face]
Fletch: , and there's blood...
Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?
Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.
Waiter: They already left, Señor.
Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.
Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?
Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?
Fletch: No, never, never.
Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?
Fletch: No, never, never.
Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.
Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?
Detective #2: Got a gun, creep?
Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.
Detective #2: [searching Fletch] What have we here?
Fletch: That's my dick.
Alan Stanwyck: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.
Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Fletch: Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Fletch: This little proposition doesn't entail me dressing as Little Bo-Peep, does it?
Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.
[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]
Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?
Chief Karlin: Full name?
Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?
Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.
Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?
Detective #2: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.
Fletch: I'll waive my rights.
Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
[after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]
Gummy: Are you okay?
Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.
Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.
Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck: Alan's in Utah.
Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
Waiter: Gracias, señor.
Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.
[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]
Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
Fletch: [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?
Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?
Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!
Chief Karlin: Yeah.
Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!
[punches glass out of the picture frame]
Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.
Fletch: (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...
Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker: Who?
Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.
Frank Walker: How grey?
Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.
Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.
Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]
Fletch: Thank god, the... police.
[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]
Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Teenager: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!
Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.
Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.
Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?
Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.
Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.
Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?
Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.
Fletch: [Fletch bumps chests with his lawyer] He draws the foul!
Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?
Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.
Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch: You are a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?
Desk Sergeant: You better take his picture while he still has a face.
Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.
Fletch: Want some more champagne?
Gail Stanwyk: Yes.
Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.
Fletch: Why'd you let me in?
Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.
Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?
Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.
Fletch: [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.
Gail Stanwyk: I really should change.
Fletch: No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.
Gail Stanwyk: I mean, put clothes on.
Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.
Frank Walker: Utah?
Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?
Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?
Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my imitation palatial apartment building, I noticed the familiar red OldsmoBuick of one Arnold J. Pants, esquire, attorney to the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher.
[drives around to fire escape]
Fletch: [narrating] Time to use the service entrance.
Fletch: Look! Defenseless babies! Fell for the oldest trick in the book!
Fletch: I love your body, Larry.
Fletch: Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.