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Fletch (1985) Poster

(1985)

Quotes

Madeline: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Fletch: I'm Frieda's boss.

Madeline: Who's Frieda?

Fletch: My secretary.

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[During a proctological exam]

Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc?

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[last lines]

Fletch: [narrating] When it came to basketball Gail was a loss, but we had our own version of one-on-one and she thought I was the bravest guy in the world. Which, of course, I am. By the way, I charged the entire vacation to Mr. Underhill's American Express Card. Want the number?

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Fletch: Come on Frank, say yes, and I'll buy you some new deodorant.

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Receptionist: May I help you Dr...?

Fletch: Oh, it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.

Receptionist: Dr. who?

Fletch: Dr. Rosenrosen, I'm here to get to the records room.

Receptionist: What was that name again?

Fletch: It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.

Receptionist: Dr. who?

Fletch: Dr. Rosen. Where's the records room?

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[to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]

Fletch: Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

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[Fletch is being interrogated by Chief Karlin and is giving him attitude]

Chief Karlin: So, what's your name?

Fletch: Fletch.

Chief Karlin: Full name?

Fletch: Fletch F. Fletch.

Chief Karlin: I see, And what do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch: I'm a shepherd.

Chief Karlin: [to the arresting officers] Officers, could you excuse us for a few moments?

Fletch: Yeah, why don't you guys go down to the gym and pump each other.

Chief Karlin: Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?

Fletch: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

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Fletch: Do you have any caviar?

Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.

Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.

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Gail Stanwyk: I didn't know you knew the Underhills.

Fletch: Yeah, well, I saved his life during the war.

Gail Stanwyk: You were in the war?

Fletch: No, he was. I got him out.

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Fletch: [narrating] As I pulled up to my imitation palatial apartment building, I noticed the familiar red OldsmoBuick of one Arnold J. Pants, esquire, attorney to the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher.

[drives around to fire escape]

Fletch: [narrating] Time to use the service entrance.

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[driving away from police in car with startled teenager]

Teenager: Are you a cop?

Fletch: As far as you know.

Teenager: Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?

Fletch: Why? Did you steal the car?

Teenager: I sure did.

Fletch: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

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Fletch: Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.

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Fletch: I'm John.

Gail Stanwyk: Ohhhh, John.

[they laugh]

Gail Stanwyk: John who?

Fletch: John Cock... tos... ton.

Gail Stanwyk: That's a beautiful name.

Fletch: Well, it's Scotch/Romanian.

Gail Stanwyk: That's an odd combination.

Fletch: Yeah, well, so were my parents.

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[to a Doberman pinscher]

Fletch: Look, defenseless babies!

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Alan Stanwyk: If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.

Fletch: Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?

Alan Stanwyk: It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.

Fletch: Yeah, I assure you.

Alan Stanwyk: One thousand just to listen? I don't see how you can pass that up, Mr...?

Fletch: Nugent. Ted Nugent.

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Dr. Joseph Dolan: So where do you know Alan from?

Fletch: We play tennis at the club.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Really? California Racquet Club?

Fletch: Right.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.

Fletch: Well, I haven't been playing in a while because of these kidney pains.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Right. Now, how long have you had these pains, Mr. Barber?

Fletch: No, that's "Babar".

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Two B's?

Fletch: One B. B-A-B-A-R.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: That's two.

Fletch: Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Fletch: I don't know. I don't have any.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: No children?

Fletch: No elephant books.

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Alan Stanwyk: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?

Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

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Pathologist: Ever seen a spleen that large?

Fletch: No, not since breakfast.

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Fletch: Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Godawful mess. You should see my shoes.

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Waiter: Gracias, señor.

Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.

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Fletch: (singing)Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...

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Fletch: Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.

Frank Walker: Who?

Fletch: Well, there we're in kind of a grey area.

Frank Walker: How grey?

Fletch: Charcoal.

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[Corrupt police chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint]

Fletch: Thank god, the... police.

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Dr. Joseph Dolan: You know, it's a shame about Ed.

Fletch: Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was dying for years.

Fletch: Sure, but... the end was very... very sudden.

Dr. Joseph Dolan: He was in intensive care for eight weeks.

Fletch: Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.

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Gail Stanwyk: Are you always this forward?

Fletch: Only with wet, married women.

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Fletch: Why don't we go lay on the bed and I'll fill you in?

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Gail Stanwyk: I'm very flattered, but I'm also very married. You are trying to hit on me, aren't you?

Fletch: How did you guess? I'm such a heel. I don't know what came over me.

Gail Stanwyk: If I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who tried to pick me up, I'd be a rich woman.

Fletch: You are a rich woman.

Gail Stanwyk: See what I mean?

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Desk Sergeant: You better take his picture while he still has a face.

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Fletch: You're serious.

Chief Karlin: Ask anybody.

Fletch: Can I ask someone right now?

[looks out of cell]

Fletch: How about my mom - can I call her right now?

Chief Karlin: [waves gun and looks around] I guess not.

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Fletch: Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Gail Stanwyk: Depends on the question.

Fletch: Want some more champagne?

Gail Stanwyk: Yes.

Fletch: Are you still in love with Alan?

Gail Stanwyk: No! I mean, no, you can't ask me that question. Ask me another one.

Fletch: Why'd you let me in?

Gail Stanwyk: Um, because I'm bored.

Fletch: If you're so bored, why didn't you go to Utah with Alan?

Gail Stanwyk: Well, Utah's not exactly a cure for boredom.

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Gail Stanwyk: I really should change.

Fletch: No! I think you should stay the same wonderful person you are today.

Gail Stanwyk: I mean, put clothes on.

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Fletch: Frank, I need to go to Utah.

Frank Walker: Utah?

Fletch: Yeah, Utah. It's wedged in between Wyoming and Nevada. You've seen pictures of it, right?

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Fletch: I love your body, Larry.

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Chick Hearn: [During Fletch's dream] He is actually six-five, with the afro, six-nine.

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Fletch: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.

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[Fletch has fainted]

Records Nurse: Oh, Doctor, are you all right?

Fletch: Where am I?

Records Nurse: You're in the records room.

Fletch: The records room? Oh, then I'm fine.

Records Nurse: Can I get you something?

Fletch: Yeah, do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there.

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Fletch: You know, what tipped it for me was something your wife said while we were in bed together.

Alan Stanwyk: Oh? And what was that?

Fletch: Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.

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Gail Stanwyk: What are you doing here?

Fletch: I ordered some lunch.

Gail Stanwyk: You ordered it here?

Fletch: Well, I knew this is where my mouth would be.

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Fletch: [narrating] In case you haven't guessed yet, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doze. I'm talking about the hard stuff, and a lot of it. I've been trying to find out who's behind it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.

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Fat Sam: I got some reds.

Fletch: You don't mean communists, do you, Sam?

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Fletch: If you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.

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Fletch: You would have thought that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just *whack*

[mimes door hitting him in the face]

Fletch: , and there's blood...

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Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?

Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.

Waiter: They already left, Señor.

Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.

Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.

Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.

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Fletch: [on the phone with Mr. Swarthow] Excuse you?

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Receptionist: [handing Fletch a cup of coffee] Sugar, Mr. Poon?

Fletch: No, never, never.

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Fletch's girlfriend: [Fletch is listening to a tape of him and his girlfriend having sex] You're not recording this, are you?

Fletch: No, never, never.

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Detective #1: Got a gun, creep?

Fletch: Shamu's got one, borrow his.

Detective #1: [searching Fletch] What have we here?

Fletch: That's my dick.

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[Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]

Fletch: You fellas wanna read me my rights?

Detective #1: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped by him.

[Detective #2 blows Fletch a kiss]

Fletch: I'll... waive my rights.

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Gail Stanwyck: She looks like a hooker. Look at her. Look at her! Could you love someone who looked like that?

Fletch: What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

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Stanton Boyd: What kind of a name is Poon?

Fletch: Comanche Indian.

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[after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]

Fletch: Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.

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[after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]

Gummy: Are you okay?

Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.

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Fletch: Don't talk to me like that, assface. I don't work for you yet.

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Fletch: I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?

Gail Stanwyk: Alan's in Utah.

Fletch: I... can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.

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[Fletch has just been incarcerated by the chief of police]

Fletch: Can't keep me here, chief.

Chief Karlin: Maybe I'm not going to keep you in here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.

Fletch: Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

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Fletch: [entering through the window] If you're wearing rubbers, leave them outside, would you?

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Chief Karlin: [shoving Fletch into a wall] Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?

Fletch: [sees a picture on the wall] Hey, you and Tommy LaSorda!

Chief Karlin: Yeah.

Fletch: I hate Tommy LaSorda!

[punches glass out of the picture frame]

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Fletch: In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one to me.

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Fletch: Provo, Spain?

Pan Am Clerk: Utah.

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Fletch: Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.

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Fletch: Hey! I think our problems may just be solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo-wee! Oh, boy, I lost. Yeah. Sorry.

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[Fletch is driving in the car with the Teenager]

Fletch: I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.

Teenager: [Fletch swerves to avoid another car] Oh shit!

Fletch: Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.

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Fletch: [Fletch bumps the lawyer's forehead] He draws the foul!

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Fletch: [narrating] I had to keep digging... without a shovel.

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Fletch: Look! Defenseless babies! Fell for the oldest trick in the book!

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Willy: What the hell you need ball bearings for?

Fletch: Awww, come on guys, it's so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course.

[leans arm on hot engine part]

Fletch: Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

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Pan Am Clerk: I'm afraid there is someone sitting next to you.

Fletch: Oh, for... God dawd dawd! Who is it, Mr. Sinlindin?

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Fletch: For an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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