Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.
Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.
Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Wadsworth: You *were* jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
Mrs. White: Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...
Mrs. White: it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Miss Scarlet: Maybe there is life after death.
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
Mr. Green: They all did it. But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall. With the revolver. Okay, Chief, take 'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?
Miss Scarlet: Ah!
Mrs. White: Why is that funny?
Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.
Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was
[points to head]
Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!
Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?
Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.
Miss Scarlet: What was he like?
Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.
[Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]
Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.
Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Wadsworth: The key is gone!
Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!
[smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder]
Mr. Green: [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him] I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!
[releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob]
Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!
Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.
Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?
Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!
Wadsworth: A double negative!
Colonel Mustard: A double negative?
Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?
Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That's right!
Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth: Um... no.
Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?
Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."
Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?
Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?
Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!
Mrs. Peacock: Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husband's work. And it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted. So I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I-I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here. Or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I'm very intrigued, and, oh my, this soup's delicious, isn't it?
Wadsworth: I can explain everything.
Cop: You don't have to.
Wadsworth: I don't?
Cop: Don't worry, there's nothing illegal about any of this.
Wadsworth: Are you sure?
Cop: Of course, this is America.
Wadsworth: I see.
Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that?
Wadsworth: I didn't know it was *that* free.
Miss Scarlet: It should be just off there.
Professor Plum: That must be it!
Miss Scarlet: [they see their destination as lightning splits the sky over Hill House, giving it an ominous cast. The car engine stops] Why has the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It's frightened.
Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.
Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
Wadsworth: At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne. I was in the hall.
Wadsworth: I know because I was there.
Wadsworth: [shouting] That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out *who* killed him, and *where*, and with *what*!
Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!
Wadsworth: [shouting louder] I'm not shouting!
[Guests stare at him pointedly]
Wadsworth: [shouting] All right, I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout...
[candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]
Mrs. White: [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Mr. Green: Me too.
Colonel Mustard: And me.
Miss Scarlet: Not me.
Wadsworth: [surprised] You're *not* being blackmailed?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Mr. Green: What did you do?
Miss Scarlet: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.
Professor Plum: Oh yeah?
[pulls out pen and a pad of paper]
Professor Plum: What's the phone number?
Cop: Uh, can I come in and use your phone?
Wadsworth: Of course you may, sir! You may use the one in the, um... no. Uh, you could use the one in the stud... no. Uh, uh, would you be kind enough to wait in the, um, in-in the, um, uh library?
Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."
Professor Plum: Die?
Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
[offers her a tray]
Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.
Mrs. White: [after Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth] Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny. FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.
[opens the door]
Mr. Green: Told you I didn't do it!
Colonel Mustard: Just checking.
Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?
Colonel Mustard: Yep. Two corpses. Everything's fine.
Wadsworth: You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man.
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?
[Colonel Mustard slaps Mr. Green, who turns to get slapped by Wadsworth]
Cop: [listening to caller on phone] Ah, would you hold on, please?
[Walks over to locked door, rattling the knob and banging on door]
Cop: Let me outta here! Let me outta here! You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty... and MURDER!
Wadsworth: [Wadsworth opens the door, feigning innocence, while other guests gather around] What do you mean... murder?
Cop: I just said it so you would open the door.
[other guests laugh]
Cop: What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?
Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover?
Cop: That's right! The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation!
Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
Mrs. Peacock: Uh, is there a little girl's room in the hall?
Yvette: Oui oui, Madame.
Mrs. Peacock: No, I just wanna powder my nose.
Professor Plum: And what was your role in all this?
Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were
[on the verge of tears]
[all gasp, Mrs. Peacock is the loudest]
Wadsworth: [starts to cry] Well, we all make mistakes.
[Mrs. White approaches Wadsworth and hands him a handkerchief]
Wadsworth: But, Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves. Well, to make a long story short...
Colonel Mustard: Too late.
Yvette: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?
Professor Plum: I will!
Colonel Mustard: I will!
Mr. Green: No, thank you.
Professor Plum: [after learning who killed Mr. Boddy, the motorist, the cook, the cop, and Yvette] So it must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!
Mr. Green: I didn't do it!
Colonel Mustard: Well, there's nobody else left.
Mr. Green: But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!
Wadsworth: [extracts his gun] I shot her.
Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.
Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!
Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!
Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?
Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
Colonel Mustard: Yes...
Wadsworth: So can I.
[Wadsworth has just greeted Mr. Green at the door]
Wadsworth: [to the dogs] Sit!
[Mr. Green quickly and nervously sits down on a bench]
Wadsworth: No, not you, sir.
Mr. Green: [after Mrs. White knees Mr. Boddy in the crotch] Was that necessary, Mrs. White?
Colonel Mustard: Is this place for you?
Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Colonel Mustard: Which means what?
Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.
Mr. Green: [gets up in front of everyone] I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the State Department, and I'm a homosexual.
Mr. Green: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my job on security grounds.
Mr. Green: Thank you.
Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?
Mr. Green: Nothing.
Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?
Colonel Mustard: Nobody.
Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?
Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.
Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.
Professor Plum: He was!
Mrs. White: We should've made sure.
Mrs. Peacock: How?
Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.
Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!
Wadsworth: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common: you're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford, and in some cases more than you can afford, to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you. Do you?
Mrs. Peacock: [nervously smoking] Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book. I've never done anything wrong.
Wadsworth: [short pause] Anybody else wish to deny it?
Miss Scarlet: [after Mr. Boddy hands out his party gifts] I enjoy getting presents from strange men.
Professor Plum: [pointing to Mrs. Peacock's drink] Maybe he was poisoned!
[Mrs. Peacock immediately drops her glass full of brandy and starts screaming]
Mr. Green: [trying to get her to the couch] Mrs. Peacock, please. Mrs. Peacock, it's alright. It's alright. We don't know anything. Sit-sit down, sit down, Mrs.-
[slaps her; everybody stares]
Mr. Green: Well, I had to stop her from screaming!
Mr. Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. NOW.
The Chief: Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?
Mrs. Peacock: What?
The Chief: Repent. The kingdom of heaven *is* at hand.
Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
The Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us.
Professor Plum: I got news for you - it's already here.
Mrs. Peacock: Go away.
The Chief: But your souls are in danger.
Mrs. Peacock: Our lives our in danger, you beatnik.
Wadsworth: Yvette, could you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires? Within reason, that is.
Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
All: Too late!
Mrs. Peacock: So, what does your husband do?
Mrs. White: [quickly] Nothing!
Mrs. Peacock: Nothing?
Mrs. White: Well, he just lies around on his back all day.
Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.
[Wadsworth reveals a secret passage from the study to the kitchen]
Colonel Mustard: How did you know?
Wadsworth: This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.
Mr. Green: So you could be the murderer.
Wadsworth: Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
[Plum and White are looking at the photographic negatives]
Mrs. White: Oh my! Nobody can get into THAT position.
Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.
[lays her down on the couch and gets on top of her]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
[Cop sniffs the motorist, who is dead]
Cop: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.
Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
Cop: [to the motorist] You're not gonna drive home, are you?
Professor Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
Miss Scarlet: No.
Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car!
Professor Plum: A long black car!
Miss Scarlet: [lightly jabbing him in the stomach] A limousine!
Miss Scarlet: I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N. Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death and the deaths of five other people.
Professor Plum: You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation.
Miss Scarlet: [looks in an envelope] What's this, Wadsworth?
Wadsworth: I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.
Colonel Mustard: Oh my God!
Miss Scarlet: Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?
Wadsworth: Certainly not! I detained them for the colonel and I was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.
Miss Scarlet: Mm, very pretty! Would you like to see these, Yvette, they might shock you.
Yvette: No, merci. I am a lady.
Miss Scarlet: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?
Professor Plum: What sort of pictures are they?
Colonel Mustard: They are *my* pictures and I'd like them back, please!
Miss Scarlet: No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me, too.
Professor Plum: Let me see.
Mrs. White: [gasps] Oh no, nobody can get into that position.
Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.
[tries to do the position]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Professor Plum: Well, I'm gonna start while it's still hot.
Mrs. Peacock: Oh, now, shouldn't we wait for the other guest?
Yvette: I will keep something warm for him.
Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?
Wadsworth: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.
Mrs. Peacock: You mean... oh my God, of course!
Miss Scarlet: What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have?
Colonel Mustard: He was my driver during the war.
Wadsworth: And what was he holding over you?
Colonel Mustard: He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!
Mrs. Peacock: Well, a lot of our airmen died, because their radios didn't work.
Wadsworth: Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity, and under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop whom she'd been bribing on the head with the lead pipe. True or false?
Miss Scarlet: [impressed] True! Who are you, Perry Mason?
Mr. Green: Well, where is he?
[Miss Scarlet screams as the freezer door opens and Wadsworth falls out. Mr. Green catches Wadsworth, then drops him disgustedly]
Mrs. Peacock: So, what do you do in Washington D.C., Mr. Green? Come on! What do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves.
Miss Scarlet: Perhaps he doesn't wanna get acquainted with you.
Mrs. Peacock: Well, I'm sure I don't know. But if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.
Professor Plum: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes-What? No! Why?
Professor Plum: Well, it just seems to me that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call "Pressure of Speech".
Miss Scarlet: "We"? Who's we? Are you a shrink?
Professor Plum: I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.
Mr. Green: You're Mr. Boddy!
[Wadsworth laughs evilly]
Professor Plum: Wait a minute. So who did I kill?
Wadsworth: My butler.
Professor Plum: Oh, shucks.
Wadsworth: He was expendable like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.
The Motorist: Where is it?
Wadsworth: What? The body?
The Motorist: The phone. What body?
Wadsworth: There's no body. Nobody. There's-there's nobody in the study.
Colonel Mustard: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother, the shock would've killed her.
Mrs. White: Oh, that would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.
Mrs. White: So, he had the motive.
Wadsworth: You *all* had a motive.
Colonel Mustard: Why are you screaming?
Mr. Green: Because I'm frightened!
Colonel Mustard: Of what?
Mr. Green: Screaming!
Wadsworth: Do come in, Madam. You are expected.
Mrs. White: Do you know who I am?
Wadsworth: Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.
Mrs. White: Yes. It said so in the letter. But why?
Mr. Green: [dropped a spoon, spilling soup onto Miss Scarlet] I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little bit accident-prone.
[starts to wipe soup off Miss Scarlet]
Miss Scarlet: [raises her hands, making him stop] Ah, watch it!
Professor Plum: [next to Miss Scarlet in the rain, with backs to the door] What a godforsaken place!
[gropes her backside; she tries to brush his hand off]
Wadsworth: [opens door suddenly and sees this] Professor Plum, and Miss Scarlet, I didn't realize you were acquainted.
Miss Scarlet: We weren't.
Wadsworth: And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.
Mr. Green: Is that what we ate?
[makes a retching sound]
Wadsworth: I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.
Colonel Mustard: Why?
Wadsworth: I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy.
Mr. Green: Who would wanna kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.
Miss Scarlet: Oh?
[Everyone looks at Colonel Mustard]
Colonel Mustard: I said, "if". *If*!
Professor Plum: Is there gonna be a cover up?
Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after a multiple murder?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
[Mr. Boddy has disappeared after being killed]
Mr. Green: He couldn't have been dead.
Professor Plum: He was. At least I thought he was, but what difference does it make now?
Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him.
[doorbell rings during 'events of the evening']
Mrs. Peacock: Oh, who ever it is, they gotta go away or they'll be killed.
The singing Telegram girl: [Doorbell rings, the door is opened to reveal a singing Telegram girl] Da da da da da da! I, am, your singing telegram...!
[Unseen figure shoots her, she falls to the ground, and the front door is slammed shut]
Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!
[Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]
Miss Scarlet: Yeah!
Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?
Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!
Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!
Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!
Professor Plum: [Professor Plum and Mrs. Peacock have drawn cut matches of the same length, pairing them together] It's you and me, honeybunch.
Mrs. Peacock: [fanning herself] Oh, my God.
Wadsworth: She's going to faint.
Professor Plum: Somebody catch her!
[Wadsworth goes behind Mrs. Peacock and encircles her with his arms]
Wadsworth: I'll catch you. Fall into my arms.
[Mrs. Peacock falls straight through Wadsworth's arms and onto the floor]
Wadsworth: [referring to Mr. Boddy] Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.
Colonel Mustard: Well, it's what we call "overkill."
Professor Plum: It's what we call "psychotic."
Colonel Mustard: What room's this?
Miss Scarlet: Search me.
Colonel Mustard: All right.
[he starts to frisk her]
Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me.
[a scream is heard in the locked billiard room]
Professor Plum: It must be the murderer.
Mr. Green: Why would *he* scream?
Wadsworth: [trying to find Mrs. White in the dark after hearing her scream] I'm coming! I'm just trying to find the door. Coming.
[finds what seems to be a doorknob]
Wadsworth: What's this? Another door?
[turns "doorknob", gets blasted with water from a shower]
Cop: What's going on in those two rooms?
Mr. Green: Uhh... which two rooms?
Cop: *Those* two rooms.
Mr. Green: Ohhh, those two rooms.
Mr. Green: Ahh... well. Officer! I don't think you should go in there.
Cop: Why not?
Mr. Green: Uhh... Because it's all too shocking!
Wadsworth: We didn't hear the cook scream... because Mrs. Peacock was screaming about the poisoned brandy.
Mrs. White: So what do you do, Professor?
Professor Plum: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.
Colonel Mustard: Another politician. Jesus!
Professor Plum: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.
Wadsworth: Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.
Miss Scarlet: Great. We'll all go to the chair.
Wadsworth: ...and we all revealed that you had a letter and you had a letter and you had a letter and...
All: Get on with it!
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something.
Wadsworth: It's the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Wadsworth: Picked up the dagger, ran down the hall, and stabbed the cook!
Mrs. Peacock: Take your hands off me! I'm a senator's wife!
Colonel Mustard: [gesturing to another place setting at the dinner table] So, is this for our host?
Wadsworth: No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr Boddy.
Mrs. White: I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.
All: So did I.
Mrs. White: So, who is our host Mr. Wadsworth?
[Wadsworth only smiles in response]
Mrs. White: Oh, you're a doctor?
Professor Plum: I am, but I don't practice.
Miss Scarlet: Practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?
Wadsworth: Is everything ready?
Yvette: Oui, Monsieur.
Wadsworth: You have your, um, instructions.
Mrs. White: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though, heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.
Colonel Mustard: Don't you?
Mr. Green: I know who you are.
Miss Scarlet: Aren't you gonna tell us?
Mrs. Peacock: How do you know who I am?
Mr. Green: I work in Washington, too.
Professor Plum: Washington? So you're a politician's wife?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes, I-I am.
Colonel Mustard: Well, come on then, who's your husband?
Wadsworth: You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it!
Mrs. White: What do you mean, "Don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything!
Wadsworth: Another denial!
Mrs. White: Thhbbtt!
[sticks her tongue out at Wadsworth]
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?
Mr. Green: I didn't do it!
Mr. Green: Well, one of us did. We all had an opportunity. We all had a motive.
[Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth]
Wadsworth: Good shot, Green!
[he slowly slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]
Wadsworth: And *very* good.
Mrs. Peacock: [to the furnace] Argh. Don't you touch me!
Professor Plum: [after everyone introduces themselves] Well, that just leaves Mr. Boddy.
Miss Scarlet: What's your little secret?
Wadsworth: His secret? Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing you.
Mrs. White: [referring to negatives of Colonel Mustard's private photos] Nobody can get into that position.
Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.
[attempts the sexual position with Mrs. White]
Mrs. White: Get off me!
Colonel Mustard: [both insistent] Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!
Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.
Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?
Wadsworth: Either! Or both.
Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!
Wadsworth: What was the question?
Colonel Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?
All: [shouting] No!
[Making fun of Mr. Green]
Wadsworth: Well, I had to stop her screaming.
Wadsworth: Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you.
Mr. Green: You're a bit late for that! I hate it when he does that.
Mrs. White: Ahhh!